DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

If you decide to leave him, keep the status quo with the Nanny.

Do not let him become 'the main care giver' or 'at home parent'

Good god. This forum is usually a hair-trigger regarding ltb, but leave this bastard and never look back. He’s unemployed and you do the drop offs? He’s unemployed and you get the shopping order? He’s unemployed and you have a childminder? He’s unemployed and you have a cleaner. To top it you’re a doctor, y’know someone everyone else relies on to be calm, collected and ideally rested, and this deadbeat dad who hasn’t bothered to find a job in a year is making your life hell.

If you read that summary as though it was someone else’s life, what would you say to them OP? I would love to know what your husband would say to ‘someone’ in that situation too?

Terribly convenient that all his friends and family say you are in the wrong - according to his report. I wonder if they really have said that, and/or if they would if they heard your side of the facts? If my friend told me that, although he is at home all day, the nanny looks after the children, a cleaner does the cleaning, his working wife does the cooking, and that he feels his wife is in the wrong if her cooking leaves a bit of a mess and he is expected to put the shopping away, I would laugh in his face.

It's quite ridiculous that a man who isn't working can't put the shopping away after morning spent sitting with his friend and wandering around the shops. He is the epitome of a cocklodger.

@Tina6458 why has he got the control in this relationship? It’s obviously gone past the partnership point, but you seem to be letting him dictate the narrative and let all this affect you to the point where your mental health is suffering.
Your profession is a demanding one. Combine this with two small children and a husband who doesn’t even like you, that’s enough to send anybody in a downward spiral.
Look at taking it easy for the next 6 months. Put yourself first, take a break from the studies and regain your Mondays. See friends, open up to people.
Take him out of the equation for the next 6 months and just focus on you.

Thank Christ. I read your first couple of posts and my heart sank a bit as I really thought it would be focusing on what you had done "wrong" and missing the bigger picture.

You probably should get legal advice before putting the wind up him though. It sounds as if he's going to make things hard.

Sounds just like my stbxh. Especially the explosive anger.
I realised he was a narcissist. Totally selfish and no empathy. Sounds like your DH.
I feel sorry this is happening to you, it takes a while to process it all. Good luck.

If possible get him to start communicating with via email / text so he can document in his own words just what an awful person he is. Tell him as he can’t talk / be verbally civil you feel that writing to him may help him understand your position: Dear Husband My schedule is X days, cleaner is doing X the nanny is doing X , I have ordered delivery on X day which you say frustrates you having to put it away once a week. Which time do you suggest it is delivered and who should be responsible for putting it away? Let his shitty responses hang him.

As for his ‘mates’ who cares what some random person outside of the marriage thinks? If that’s important, I’m your mate now and I think he’s a freeloading boarder line abusive twat who will drag you and all you have worked for down so you feel worthless like him. Document everything and divorce him. Do not play fair or judge by your standards because he won’t.

My lovely, he will never see. I had the same problem with my ex. I just kept thinking if I could just make him see how lazy and unreasonable he was being. (Mine worked but I did all the housework and nearly all the childcare as well as working full-time. I would organise food shop delivery for when I was working from home but on some rare occasions I would be called into work and I’d have to change the slot to one where he would be home, as it was short notice and was the only slot I could get. And I would get home from work to find he has only put the fridge bag (usually the whole bag, directly into the fridge rather than taking the items out) and I’d say “why haven’t you put the rest of it away?” To which he would shrug in response and say I shouldn’t be ordering shopping for when he is home”. Why not??! Because he saw it was my job to do things like that and acted like putting the fridge bag on the fridge was doing me a favour! And because everything was my job in his eyes”). But I kept trying to get him to see that he wasn’t being reasonable. If only he would listen.

But he wouldn’t listen. No matter how hard I tried to reason (no accusation, no shouting, talk calmly about how I felt…) he would derail every conversation about it. He’s seize on a word he didn’t like, or say “well I want more sex, why can’t we talk about what I want???” I realised that this was his tactic. Deliberate. He knew he was lazy. Engaging in a conversation about it would have meant he had to admit it. So he derailed all those conversations and there was no way he would ever “see”. That, I realise now, was intentional.

As far as the aggression and silent treatment….. that’s not the behaviour of a nice man.

Im furious for you. He’s a LAZY BASTARD if he’s not working he should be doing FAR FAR more at home-but you are!! And he moans about putting the food away??? Why is he not doing all the pick up/drop offs? WHYYY do you have a nanny when one of you does even work??? Omg this is terrible. AND if not even got to his bullying behaviour yet!!! Banging on the dashboard like that is physical violence!! It’s intimidating! The stone walling you until YOU apologise-the gas lighting that you’ve done something wrong??? wtf?? His mates said you’re wrong? No chance- either he’s made it up or he’s told them a pack of lies/twisted the truth. OP you’re a good person working hard you and dc deserve better than this lazy nasty piece of shit!!

I'm really sorry OP. This sounds terrible. He clearly doesn't care at all, and is just living in your house like a lodger.

“Clean it up then, you lazy, self-indulgent cunt. Seeing as you don’t actually work. Or maybe you could get a job? Or perhaps, you could just fuck off.”

Good God what a lazy ass. He isn’t working, has met a friend for lunch and bought himself some nice sunglasses and comes in complaining that he has to put some shopping away. You shouldn’t be paying out for a nanny whilst he’s not working, but I can see why you do as your lazy ass husband would do the bare minimum. You deserve so much more than this guy, he will never change and he’s freely admitted this.

Today I said ‘ you need to change ‘ and he said ‘ I’m not changing , this is who I am.’

Well, he said it. You’ll still have this next year, in 5 years time, 10 years time.

He may not have spokento his friends at all.

I have a friend who had a boyfriend. She went on holiday with him and her two kids. They met up with a group of his friends (sailing holiday). On their return home he told my lovely,hard working friend that his friends didn't like her. She was very upset. Then she remembered that there had been a WhatsApp group set up, but that she had never commented on. So she asked his friends why they didn't like her, and everybody commented that they thought she was lovely, he was a dick, and she was much too good for him.

She left him and is now much happier. Moral of the story, don't believe a word he says!

He sounds like the type of lazy moronic popinjay who will make life difficult during a divorce. He will argue for spousal support but he has a huge sense of entitlement and doesn’t like you very much so will ‘come after your money’ etc.
Face that head on and repeat, “I will do what I am legally required to” then get a shit hot lawyer.

DH and his friends have their feet firmly planted in the patriarchy, so we need to reverse the roles in order for them to understand:

• Dad works 3 days as a lead in his job, and spends 1 day studying toward his next qualification.
• Mum doesn’t work.
• They have a cleaner.
• They have a nanny.
• Dad and Mum split the am school run equally, and the nanny collects the kids in the pm.
• Dad cooks most dinners. Mum gets upset at the state of the kitchen after Dad has cooked a meal.
• Dad takes the kids to swimming lessons on his day off.
• Mum doesn’t ever bathe the kids because she doesn’t enjoy it.
• Dad carries the mental load of organising/ordering the weekly shop, to be delivered at a time when he is home, so that he can collect the shop and pack it away. Mum gets upset if Dad is busy and she has to pack away the groceries.
• Mum enjoys meeting friends for lunch and going shopping on weekdays.
• One day Dad was late for an appointment and asked Mum if she could drive him to the train station. She did, but threw a massive tantrum in the car and hit the dashboard aggressively. When Dad came home, Mum spent the rest of the evening in the loft and ordered herself Deliveroo, rather than joining the family dinner.

OP, what do your DH’s friends think of the mum in this story? Do they still agree that she is in the right and that the dad is unreasonable?

He’s really not bringing anything to the relationship. You are better off apart. Worse case scenario would be 50/50 with the children.

OP, you feel as though you are being gaslighted and manipulated because you are. Your whole tale resonates with me, because when my ex lost his job and got a payout, he was just like this - lording it around the place, never expecting to do anything - and I’m afraid it just gets worse. The banging the dashboard, silent treatment, taking himself off from the family and blaming you for everything is sadly so familiar. I eventually LTB, who made it as difficult as humanly possible during our divorce - but there is life on the other side. I’ve been with my present DH for over twenty years and married for more than half of that. Truly, you need to get out of this situation - I’m sorry, but it won’t get better, and he’ll blame you for everything.

Apologies if you have answered this but is he trying to get another job ? What did he do ?

OP I am really sorry to read your situation. Coincidentally I'm also a doctor working 3 days, with a DH who is the SAHP (but an active choice by him to do so) he genuinely shoulders the bulk of the domestic load including shopping/school stuff, because he's the one who's around most to do these things. We don't live in a blissfully happy bubble all the time but there is cooperation and understanding, and at the very least on a very bad day, civility, which is how it should be. It's completely unacceptable what your DH is doing.
You've had plenty of comments about the overall situation but to add from a medical perspective - clinical lead when working 3 days sounds v tough, I would not have the time to fit it in alongside everything else at work - is it an option to pull back on clinical lead a bit if you need some breathing space?
Also please seek expert legal advice from someone who understands about medical finances (assuming you have an NHS pension) as, for example, your DH may be entitled to eventually claim half your pension if you divorce, this has happened to more than one doctor acquaintance of mine when their marriages ended.

😙

He is a dead weight and actually making your life harder. I don’t know how you can cope with this. He wants you to work whilst he has a life of leisure. I wouldn’t be standing for this - and he would give him 28 days to find a full time job. London is swimming with vacancies. You are bankrolling him and doing all of the wife work and childcare. Unacceptable.

He needs a job. You need to leave , and expect no help.

This.

Read this over and over and then end this toxic relationship.

Think how manipulative he must have been to convince a sane, highly intelligent woman that she is in the wrong in this scenario; that if only she tried a bit harder... That in itself is enough to end the relationship.

I'm so sorry he's put you through this but he won't change because it suits him not to and he doesn't truly care about anyone but himself.