DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

You need a good family lawyer. Your income is financially supporting your family, but the fact you are only working part time to support the kids, while your DH is still out of work, will be favourably considered by a Court. Time to get good professionals involved. You are getting nowhere, maintaining the situation as it is.

I'd be tempted to write up a timetable to reflect the reality of the last month or so. More for you than anything else.
Then if he starts to beg or you have a good few days and you start to question whether it was really that bad, you can look and see exactly how bad it was. Keep a note of the tantrums (date, reason, action, result). Seeing it all written down will help you when you're finding it tough.

Make sure you have access to all paperwork and bank accounts etc. you want proof of paying the cleaner and nanny, as well as their shift patterns if possible. It can be used as evidence that he's done fuck all.

Will he even fight for custody? Doesn't sound likely. I'll bet he'll be telling future shags that you're the evil ex wife who's keeping his kids from him.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

So he’s a stay home parent, but with a nanny and cleaner, and still expects you to put the shopping away! He will have a nasty wake up when he has to live alone!

my ex used to behave like this, the irony about it is partly that they demand the unrestricted right to ‘voice their frustrations’, while you are expected not to. He can rage and sulk, you’re not allowed to say anything. I could never articulate this when we were together.

they take up all the emotional space. all the leisure time, and you are left ragged and smaller. they believe that the expression of how they are feeling is actually healthy, and it’s easy to see how they could sell this idea to others, including friends and therapists and get a positive response from them. But if both adults are this emotionally uncontained and so easily upset you would be living in constant conflict. You have to pay the price to keep what peace there is by crushing all of your feelings down, hence you are now having panic attacks.

Not to mention the outrageous lack of fairness and cooperation between you, and his disinterest in his children. It’s no good. That’s why you feel dreadful.

life will be so much better when this is sorted OP. I have no doubt you will find your children easier to manage when you are happier and their home is calmer, and it will be. Your self esteem will recover, you’ll get your sparkle back and you will marvel at how you put up with it. Life won’t always be so hard.

absolutely get legal advice, I’ve spent many years being dragged through the courts by my awful ex partner and my advice is speak to a direct access barrister as well as for their view on the family court side of things, they have a much more realistic take on what actually happens in court. If you’re any to DM me I can recommend a truly excellent one

By the way, your couples therapist sounds shit, leaving you with someone who has explosive anger like that and not giving you both any stern words about what this will do to your mental health and the relationship. I think a lot of them are. I don’t think I would ever see a couples therapist again after the experiences I’ve had.

He has contempt for you! How is that possible, he's the one whose not working or doing the stay at home role properly. Is there a reason he can't find a job? I'd have contempt for him with the attitude he's showing. He needs to find a job or step into the stayathome dad role properly, so no nanny and he carries the bulk of the domestic load to free you up for your work.

He’s out of order. You shouldn’t need a nanny if he’s not working. He should be relishing that time with the boys.

My husband works full time and I work 4 days. He still pulls his weight and wouldn’t dream of disrespecting me like that.

I wouldn’t tolerate that. I’d have a quiet word when you’re both calm and tell him you won’t tolerate that level of disrespect anymore. If he chooses to behave this way he will be putting his own shopping away for the foreseeable.

He sounds arrogant. You sound exhausted.x

@Tina6458 he’s an absolute cunt and with your job and the fact that you currently manage without him working and afford a nanny and manage the whole household anyway- you will be absolutely fine without him.

Men like him train women like us to be amazing single mothers.

My exH was (is) ike yours - selfish, mean, utterly lacking in empathy. He used to watch me lug in the groceries every week for 20 years. He wouldn’t lift a finger to help. Wouldn’t unpack a bag “because it stressed him out too much to see how much I spent” (on a bog standard weekly shop for our family of 4)

I am sitting here watching TV with DS9.5 and DD6 - they were 4 and just 8 when I ended it with exH. The house is calm and happy. I bought the family home. Our nanny stayed on to help me and is more of a co-parent to me than their father ever was. I have an amazing boyfriend who utterly treasures me. Work has gone from strength to strength.

Life can be amazing. Ditch him.

You need to LTB for obvious reasons.

I'd also be really worried about the financial situation. You live in London (I think?), shop at Ocado, have a nanny, a cleaner and a jobless husband who lunches in Covent Garden and treats himself to sunglasses and deliveroo when he feels like it.

And you only work part time (and are probably paying for the training course you do on the other day).

That money isn't going to last forever.

Look, we can give advice on an internet forum but only you know if your marriage has become more a liability than a supporting partnership. At the end of the day, a lasting marriage is just a couple surviving rough times but communicating, understanding and supporting each other with family responsibilities. There should never be gaslighting, abuse of any kind, taking each other for granted or manipulated.

I've been married 40 years, and we've gone through relationship tough times. But I assure you, we never gaslighted, abused or maligned each other to our friends.

You really need to ask yourself if being in this relationship brings something positive to your life.

You won't change him
It sounds unbearable to me and a really unhealthy environment for your child. What example is being set?
You have brains and the means to ditch him.

I work from home. I have quite a bit of free time, and I do EVERYTHING in the house, because I'm here and it's easy to do. My DH works in Emergency Services, in a very stressful role. I like the fact that he can come home and just chill. This is what your DH should be doing for you, given that HE HASN'T GOT A JOB!
The fact that you are paying for a Nanny when he's there, is ridiculous. You'd be financially better off without him. One less mouth to feed. And on that note, who is paying for these fancy lunches at Covent Garden (and no doubt all the other stuff he spends on?)

He sounds like a spoilt brat.
The financial situation is great, however. He needs to step up and take the reigns in the home.

Sounds like you are running yourself ragged in or to support your H's bachelor lifestyle.

LTB.

... in order to ...

I think the shopping, nanny etc are all red herrings - I’m sorry but you don’t seem to like each other anymore - there is no love, no joy, no team work - you deserve someone who treasures you and wants to spend time helping you improve the quality of your life.
I think maybe you hang been doing this so long you are settling for less and less. Your kids are young - better to separate now then later.

I don’t get what this person is adding to your life?

I'd tell him outright that you have seen a solicitor and you can't go on living with him as he is and you want a divorce. If that doesn't pull him up by his bootstraps then nothing will and you have your answer.
I think he needs a good sharp shock to make him see what he is doing.
If things do not improve after that then I'd go for a divorce.
I find with men you just have to say it out loud. No apologies, no explanation, just say what you are going to do.
I'm divorced twice from men who did nothing and they were both completely shocked when I told them I was going to divorce them, They didn't pull their weight and I'm not their mother.
The first one begged for counselling but by that time I was in no mood to continue with the marriage.

My ex was nominally primary carer. I think this would only be taken as a factor if the other parent was unable to care for the children.
I (like most working parents) used childcare while I was working once ex had buggered off. Managing on my own in hard but it was way harder living with a free-loading, angry, lazy sod.

He was advised to get a job.

Leave him. Tell him to go.
My DD was in a very similar situation... also a doctor, dh not working and did absolutely nothing. DD would come home to unpleasantness, gaslighting and resentment.
She is now divorced, ex has gone and she looks better than she has in years, and she is happy. The divorce was horrible, because the ex tried to extract every penny out of her, and tried to take their home, (which DD bought and paid the mortgage for ) ..we had to lend her our life savings to pay the ex off... and it was worth it.

You deserve more. You don't need him, and he knows it. His friends' opinions have FA to do with it . he's not going to change and you will be happier without him.

Please see a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

You deserve better.

I’d be surprised, given your interactions, if the marriage is viable.

however, my first reaction is to tell the lazy prick to get a job and pull his weight.

Tell your DH to 'voice his frustrations' to the wall. The wall will be able to 'move on from it' very easily.

Stuff his frustrations!

Get your ducks in a row and get this cocklodger gone.

He's starting to abuse you.

Because he doesn't look after HIS children!

@Tina6458 Also, pretty poor therapist. No, it wasn't that it was the wrong time, it's that you should be having individual counselling, not joint.