DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

So he doesn’t work , doesn’t cook , doesn’t look after the kids and spends his days eating in Covent Garden with friends and shopping?

do you have a spare room? I could definitely get used to that lifestyle. Could move in by weekend?

Absolutely he is abusive, this is without doubt.

however, I think in addition to your marital issues, in trying to gain some sort of control back of your life, some of your decisions (based on the example day you gave) are adding to your pressure. For example, a time pressured appointment (Physio) before work, a long morning at work till 2pm, then a laser appointment at 3pm? Between 2-3 you had to eat, sort a shopping order, and also rely on public transport? Just reading all that made me feel very stressed.

if those 2 appointments were non negotiable I would have planned the day out to reduce more pressure. For example I would have bought a cold lunch ahead of time, I would have tried to shorten the working hours even by an hour. I would have rescheduled the Ocado even if it meant buying 1-2 days worth of food at Tesco express for me and the kids. I would have used Uber or similar rather than having to get a lift to the bus station and then a bus.

Again to reiterate your dh is the issue but in the meantime whilst you decide what you’re going to do about this (e.g. ending it) I’d seriously recommend you drastically reduce any other potential stress in your life.

Get rid.
You have a Nanny - he can't claim he is doing most of the child care.
Your therapist was subtly telling you to get out. If a therapist or mediator says it's "not the right time" or some other way subtly backs out it means one person is behaving unacceptably.

Please get rid of him.

if I could only make him see , because he keeps saying he does love me and appreciate me but these things keep happening.

I know this feeling OP but the truth is that nothing you say will change him because he ready understands. He knows exactly what he's doing, but he chooses to do it anyway. He doesn't love you. You are so strong, you have so much going for you with your job and your children, think how much better your life would be without someone being violent (the car incident counts as violence) and horrible to you.

He may have said nothing to his friends

He may have said something conveniently skewed - “I was working on my CV all day, she ordered the shopping and then went nuts at me for not putting away the last few bits”

They may think he’s a knob but just be nodding along

They may also, as per a PP, be patriarchal dickheads

Please please please love yourself. Do what is right for you and the children. He is horrible.

Whatever you decide ... Good luck x

Your husband doesn't work but you guys have a nanny AND a cleaner, so what does your husband exactly do? (besides meet friends in Covent Garden and buy sun glasses?)

Get rid! What does she contribute to any of your lives? He does nothing with or for the kids. Nothing for you. And he treats you like shit.

He doesn't have a job, of course he should be putting the fucking shopping away. After he has bought it! And before he cooks it!

How dire and difficult to live like this. 🌸
When the post starts "we had a really hard year"
or "it was all good before children" I genuinely
despair.
So many crappy men out there.

"Not the right time"? WTF does that mean? That the Mr is not willing to work on his relationship because things in therapy didn't go his way or it's not in his best interests? Did your therapist justified his bad behaviour as "not the right time" ( little ol husband who is being forced into couples counselling when "it's not the right time" booo). Not only your being gaslit by your husband but also by your therapist too.

"Not the right time" my a-ss.

1. He is off-the-scale entitled and I doubt very much that his buddies either heard the true version of events or even said what he says they did. He's lazy and he can stick his sunglasses;

1. Your bar so is now so low, you're hanging on for the disdainful crumbs he dishes out every now and then;

1. Yes we should talk able to "voice our frustrations" to our partner. But that's not what he's doing. He's being abusive about not getting his own way. When does he come to you with "I need to talk about something I'm struggling with so we can find a different solution that suits us both" i.e. respectfully? Oh yeah that's right, never. And I don't see him being open to hearing your frustrations without throwing a hissy fit;

4. Any half-decent father would use this time to make the most of every minute they now have with their kids, when not job-searching;

1. Any half-decent husband would be using all this free time to make their wife's life easier, when not job-searching;

1. You're a successful woman and sound like a lovely person, don't let him grind you down so you're too tired to leave.

1. Life is more joyful alone than with a mood hoover, believe me.

1. I despair of these kinds of men who think their abuse is justified to the point they have you doubting yourself. Listen to your body. If it's constantly tense and tired, and you're second-guessing yourself at every disagreement, that's enough of a reason to get out. You don't need to justify yourself.

1. The outofthefog website can be helpful.

Something about this has got me so riled up used bullet points when I never do!
Your Dad would want you to be happy.

Get those ducks in their row and diarise what he, you and the nanny do, with regards to the children and house.

Ps. And the numbers didn't even work!!

Just so angry OP, no-one deserves this and too many women have to live it.

You poor thing. You do deserve better.

This is abusive. You need expert legal advice because I'm guessing you have a decent NHS pension.
But yes you should not have to put up with this. He's horrible.

@Tina6458 sorry, but did you say he bought sunglasses??? what with?? your money???? you need to get a grip and throw this marriage to the wind! I would not normally advocate this but for you, definitely! he brings nothing to the table. he brings nothing to the family! He is nothing!!!

What does he even do with all his time? Doesn't do housework, won't do the shopping, won't look after his own kids, won't work - he's really got it all set up exactly how he wants it hasn't he?

I grew up in a house which was dominated by an angry, aggressive man. It leaves scars. I think you might benefit from counselling, but alone and to help you leave safely. The banging on the dashboard worries me, is that something he has always done, or is it new?

His unemployment is obviously a problem, and his idleness, but the aggression is the most worrying thing here. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this.

He is awful. He's having the time of his life while you suffer. Now you're mental health is deteriorating. Does he care at all? No, he just cares about himself.

For the sake of your mental well-being, you need to separate from him.

You may also find that the children become less 'difficult' and fight less once this hypercritical aggressive bully of a man is out of the house.

And I find it difficult to imagine that he will want them 50/50 when he doesn't even do that when he is living fulltime with them!

What they mean is that the husband is abusive and you can't do therapy with abusive partners. However a therapist cannot say to their clients that they are abusive and even if they could then it could lead to the abusive client being more abusive because their MO is to blame their partner for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Part of being an abusive arsehole is not taking responsibility for anything.

The therapist is in a tricky situation here. The most they could have done is have separate meetings with each of the couple. The problem with that is that many people in abusive relationships are in too deep to recognise what is going on even if it is pointed out to them.

The only person who is really at fault here is the husband. And he's the one least likely to take any accountability.

In abusive relationships individual therapy with someone experienced in working with people in narcissistic/abusive relationships is much more indicated than couples therapy. I have known several therapists sued by the abusive partner for not wholly taking their side.

You've got a nanny, you've got a well payed job. Time to split up, why on earth do you esmt to live with someone who is contemptuous of you?

Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

@Tina6458 i can guarantee you two things:

he’s hasn’t told his friends a thing- he’s using this to manipulate you

you’re not crazy. But that’s exactly what he wants you to think. Spaghetti head… that’s what he wants, to keep your head so busy with this bs that you can’t think straight.

the aggression he’s showing is alarming. He’s manipulative and controlling. You do need to get him out of your life. Sounds like you have the means and contacts to make the right steps. Deep breath. You can do this.

Keep the nanny! It's proof that he doesn't provide care for the children.
Start with a plan OP and get him gone. He's like a millstone around your neck.

Oh wow OP he is a real peach isn't he - he doesn't work and yet you have a nanny, a cleaner and by the sounds of it do the lion's share of household chores and school runs.
As you are working and he is not he could argue he is primary carer and go for maintenance payments/residence (although given his reluctance to parent unlikely) so I'd be making his life a little less comfortable, forcing him to get a job and then leaving the miserably fucker.

I certainly wouldn't be bankrolling him, food shopping delivered when he has no choice but to unpack, stop the after school nanny, cleaner I'd keep as he'll just not bother but tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to step up and either be a full time stay at home parent or get a job.

The minute he has a job I'd be sending him on his way - he's told you in no uncertain terms who he is and that he won't change so don't waste your energy trying to. Hang in there and seek legal advice ASAP as if you can leave sooner without him taking the kids & bleeding you dry I certainly would do so.