Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

Your DD is going to breath a huge sigh of relief and if she doesn't then that's because of the trauma she's dealing with.
There is absolutely no need for him to stay an extra week. Your son is 3 years old and any upset he does feel will soon go when he gets to his birthday and has a fantastic day that no doubt you have sorted. 3 year olds are fickle like that. There doesn't need to be a fanfare when he leaves. Take the kids out, he leaves, you go back home.
Read your posts from the beginning, this is an abusive piece of shit you are dealing with, he needs to go ASAP so you and especially your daughter can start to heal. The youngest 2 will be fine and will actually stand a chance of happy and fulfilling futures because they won't have been exposed to abuse in their home.

Ok. I hear what you're all saying. I'm going to sleep on this one and potentially broach the subject with him tomorrow.

your child is going to become 3 ?

I would be very surprised if he knows the date of his birthday and I would be very surprised if he knows the days of the week.

I would be celebrating his birthday one week early.

after all he has had his party already, so surely it's just present/s from mummy / daddy and maybe a cake ?

This whole thing must be very scary, OP. But I think its important not to accept being hijacked by your lizard brain and not to push off onto the children adult interpretations of what is going on.

Exdh is moving out. One week before or one week after will not make any difference to the memories each of your children build from here on out.

What matters is keeping it calm—but you don’t control that since only he controls his actions. Don’t take responsibility for that over which you have no authority.

secondarily what natters is the meaning you make if it with your children. Be proud, not ashamed, that you are throwing this man out. This is a courageous act. To quote the bible: your children shall rise up and call you blessed.

Stop thinking about this situation as a negative, in which you are depriving your children. Its very much a positive.

If you can:tell him you have reconsidered what us best and back and forth is a problem. You can help him pack and he can move Friday and either clean thursday or clean after he moves. Of course you are happy to keep the children while he gets settled that weekend. And then you can begin the new routine whether thats every other week or 50/50.

Be brisk and brusque.

Thank you both. I know you're talking sense and I think I've allowed my emotions to get in the way a bit around DS's birthday after what happened last year.

I don't have the energy for a discussion with him tonight (thanks to last night's wine lol), so I'm going to have an early night and raise it with him tomorrow.

How is it going @Cryingatthegym? Hope you're okay.

Hey, thanks for asking.

It's been up and down. All the emotions I was having over the weekend have passed which is good. I had an appointment with someone called a social prescriber at my GP surgery yesterday, who was brilliant and gave me loads of advice about the practicalities of getting a divorce, as well as signposting me to a few different services for help and support with the DV side of things. She also recommended the solicitor she used for her own divorce, who she said are very efficient and not overly expensive, so I'm going to contact them soon.

I suggested moving out to H this weekend, and he initially agreed, but then we got into a bit of an argument about child arrangements and he ended up going back on it and saying he'd be moving out on the 8th. So there's that.

About the child arrangements, our boys go to nursery Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm off with them on a Thursday, and he's off with them on a Friday. I originally suggested for him to have the boys Thursday teatime until Saturday teatime, which is similar to what DD does with her dad, and he agreed that this was a good balance and good for the kids, because it means they're all together with me at the same time. But he's now insisting that he picks the boys up each day from nursery, keeps them for an hour or two, and then drops them off with me for bedtime. I've said this is absolutely not reasonable, not only because it's confusing for the boys at a time when they need a stable and consistent routine, but also because it's not fair or reasonable to expect me to be in daily communication and contact with him, and because if he does that, the only time I will have with them on those days will be getting them up and out of the door in the morning, and then putting them to bed in the evening. No quality time at all.

He even started saying things about coming round after nursery and playing with them on the garden, so I very firmly told him that we wouldn't be in and out of each others lives like that, and that his days with them would be his time, and my days with them would be my time, and that experience with ex and DD has taught me that it's important to have a consistent routine and firm boundaries around this. However, he's absolutely insisting that he's going to be finishing work before me every day (he does flexitime so he can actually do this) and picking them up from nursery, whether I like it or not.

I'm not proud of myself, but I did point out to him that he's the one with an arrest for DV next to his name and social services intervention because of things that he's disclosed about how he's treated the children, and that I don't think it would be very difficult for me to gain full custody of them if he wanted to be difficult and try to bully me into having his own way. He then started making vague threats about my own behaviour in the relationship, and how he'd be able to get me arrested if he wanted to, and 'prove' his case with messages from WhatsApp. And then some stuff about how I can't cope with the kids and I'll end up overwhelmed without him taking them for a break.

Does anyone know where I stand with this? Am I being unreasonable by saying no? I honestly feel a bit scared of whatever he's threatening to say about me, because he's so good at twisting and manipulating everything. It feels like he wants to do this so he's a constant presence in my life, it feels quite controlling. It's not like he's even asking for an extra overnight for the sake of child maintenance payments or anything, he literally just wants to take them for an hour or two a day and then drop them off.

For the sake of my own mental health I don't want to have to face seeing him on an almost daily basis. How am I meant to heal from what he's put me through when I have to see him constantly? Not to mention how much more confusing and upsetting it would be for the boys to be passed around like that and not understanding why dad is there one minute and gone the next. It's left me feeling like I'm scared to go back to work or take them to nursery, because he's just going to collect them and force me into this arrangement without my agreement.

What can I do?

No a big fat NO

your suggestion is perfect. he is not pissing you around and seeing them daily after nursery and playing with them in your garden !
NO

find your anger.

do not allow him to bully you or blackmail you - he is the abuser.

contact this solicitor very very soon i.e. Thursday !

indeed I would tell the Nursery that you are divorcing and the children will be living with you, that there is domestic abuse involved including an arrest and that he is not ever to collect the children from nursery.

Nursery are aware of the DV incident from last year because I had to tell them about it. They also know we're divorcing as I asked them to put the bills in just my name from now on. I'm just not sure if they have any powers to actually stop him from picking them up if he wants to? He's their parent after all.

I have been very firm with him about this. I just don't know what I can actually do to stop him.

Just giving this a little bump in case anyone has any advice because I'm reeling a bit with it. I feel completely trapped and at his mercy with this.

What's been most confusing to me since I told him I want a divorce, is how he'll absolutely lay into me over messages, but then be perfectly calm and friendly at home. Only maybe twice has he had a go at me about anything in person, and not once has he raised his voice. The rest of his attacks have all been over messages.

It's such a contrast from how he was before. And it's so confusing for me. How can he say the things he does, then walk in the door and casually try to chat to me? He's just come upstairs and politely asked me how my coursework is coming along. When a couple of hours ago he was telling me over messages he could get me arrested and charged for my behaviour during our relationship if he wanted to?

It's a bit scary how he suddenly has such amazing self restraint when he's been so aggressive to me in the past. It makes me start wondering if I'm remembering it all correctly.

You’re trying to make sense of someone who is not a normal person.

use the energy to educate yourself on narcissists - there is literally no point trying to make head or tail of it because these are not normal people and you will never understand. It’s illogical.

dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube are very good.

It is so good that it is messages, you have proof ! and you will keep them - if you can make a copy and put them onto paper in a file.

you will also reread this whole thread, esp your replies.

he is messing with your head

he knows it

You ARE remembering it properly do not doubt yourself

he knows what he is doing

what back up plans have you made if he does not move out for good on the 8th

will you take the children and leave him, and move into the property that is he allegedly spending 4 full days cleaning

Go talk to everyone you can talk to about this and find out your rights. Just keep sating “no” to him. He will always puff himself up like a blowfish and pretend to have power but he doesn’t.

OP I left one of these and you can too. Two years out for me and my head, home, heart are all quiet. You don’t need to let go of the emotional connection per se, that is too hard and doesn’t work. Your body will keep responding to him for a very long time yet because of the feedback loops his abuse has instilled. It will all hurt like hell. Your head will spin.

What you do need to do is practical: you need to act for your kids. Visualise yourself in the third person. This man is terrorising their mother, and you can help her. Will you?

The last thing I wanted to say is do not forget this is a dangerous man. He is not right in the head, and I found this epiphany stage, as you say, the most dangerous. The cycle of abuse is part of a defence mechanism for him, and what you can now hear is him desperately trying to recalibrate his inner story so he still feels defended. All the nice guy resolve about the divorce is just another ‘character’. It means he is coming uncomfortably close to the part of his personality where all hell breaks loose. This stage is the smoke underneath the door OP and you should not stay around to see what happens next, trust me.

Also, look at what you’ve noticed. He has self-restraint while in the past you felt he’s lost his temper easily. If he is as I think he didn’t really lose his temper, he chose to display it to keep you obedient. Now he’s trying a different tactic. My ex did exactly this with the messages and the alternative personality, at the near-end. In a year you will shiver to think he was in your house OP. You will see the extent of the problem and the danger you are currently in.

It is all exactly as you remember. Hold your hand. Your spaceship is hitting the asteroid belt and you’re going to calmly drive it the f* out of there before the planet explodes.

If you can get signed off work for another 2 weeks I would do that but don't tell him. When he's moved out you can tell him the boys won't be in nursery that week so no need for him to collect them. You'll have much more bargaining power after he's moved out.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-EbVrCP9BB/?igsh=MXRyeDA0YmhhZnY4MQ==

Watch the above.

I kept going back. It’s like an addiction. And like an addiction it will ruin your life. You don’t know what good feels like without the bad.

Stop overthinking.

Thanks everyone. I am listening and taking it all in. There's been sort of another incident this morning.

I've had issues with him unlocking the door from the outside and coming in the bathroom while I'm in the shower in the morning, and I asked him to stop doing this because it was making me uncomfortable. This morning I was about to step in the shower when he tried to come in, so I closed the door and said no you can wait. He then barged the door open going 'get the fuck out', bashed the shower off with such force that it fell, and turfed me out into the hallway naked. The boys were present during this.

Then he started to have a go at me about why I was in the wrong, and I asked him if he remembered all the times he made me wait like 40 minutes for a pee while I was pregnant and in agony, because he was sat on the toilet playing chess on his phone and refusing to get up. Or all the times DD has been bursting to go because he wouldn't let her have 2 minutes in the bathroom before him in the morning. And how he's told us both, at various times, to pee on the garden or in the sink or the shower.

That started him off on a rant about how I'm making things up and misremembering things because of the borderline personality disorder, about how I perceive everything as worse than it is because of this mental illness. About how I've admitted in the past that my memory is rubbish and I've blocked out parts of my childhood, and that proves it, so my words and accounts of situations are meaningless. About how he's telling me the truth and I only think he's a gaslighter because I can't face reality.

Eventually he apologised for storming in and being aggressive, and I said that apologising doesn't just make the aggressive outbursts disappear. And then he tried to argue that it's normal to lose control like that and then apologise for it afterwards, even though any time I've ever got upset or annoyed about anything, it's been used by him as an example of why I'm an awful or abusive or mentally ill person. Then he started sending me all these messages about how I'm a good person and he cares about me and he's concerned and just wants me to get help.

I don't know what to do. This incident combined with the nursery thing has left me feeling really quite scared of him. I've told DD's dad about it all, including the nursery thing, and he's advised me to call the police and log it with them because his behaviour seems to be escalating. But that feels so serious, and I'm worried that doing that will play right into this narrative of his that I'm mentally unstable and blowing things out of proportion. And I'm worried about how well he manages to twist and manipulate everything, and what he might tell them about me.

Please help.

OP he is threating you because his other tactic didnt work.
Do not let him bully you, do not agree to anything other than your original proposal.
His proposal re children is ridiculous and not very sustainable, Sorry if I missed this info but is he not working, how could he possibly have time to have kids this much?

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays he can pick and choose his own hours so I think he thinks he can pick them up, spend a couple of hours with them, drop them off with me and then go back to the office.

Can I ask if you think calling the police to tell them about all of this is an overreaction? I really need an outsider perspective on this.

Take the advice given to you by another man ! gosh if a man can suggest that, what on earth do you think we ladies will say ?

as i asked last night - what back up plan do you have re tomorrow onwards ?

when can you phone / see the solicitor that has been recommended

i guess he is around all day today as today is the birthday day ?

if necessary - how quickly can you pack enough for a few days / and all the important paperwork i.e. birth certificates etc.