Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

Thank you so much for the kind words and support everyone. And for carrying on posting and supporting me after so many weeks. I genuinely don't know what I'd do without this thread some days.

Having been there, and left, you’re doing so well! It’s so hard, but you’re doing the right thing xx

@Cryingatthegym you're doing so well! I know we're on each others threads and honestly the support here makes so much difference. Well done on getting through the party.

What's he been like after the party?

You're doing great - these are all astonishingly stressful things (the leaving, the party, being around his family etc) and you're doing so well to muster up the strength to get through them. I feel you so hard on having those moments of 'normal' and having feelings for him again - but you have to recognise this is your mind/body clinging to the old memories of when things weren't terrible, and not the reality that you've lived.

Can you use the 'headache/migraine/not feeling great' excuse if he digs in again about why you're being off with him? Anything to depersonalise it and take the attention away from the dynamics between you.

Thank you everyone. Hope you're ok too @throwaway88. Other than the lack of affection and closeness between us, since the party he's also been weirdly 'normal' all afternoon. Just opening presents with DS and playing with his new toys with him.

The urge to go to him for a hug or something is ridiculously strong today. I haven't felt like this for weeks. I just feel so sad, watching my boys playing and thinking about how I'm about to turn their lives upside down forever.

I keep thinking why me. Why can't I just have a normal happy relationship.

NO HUGS| !

last time you needed comfort it led to sex.

HE has turned his children's lives upside down
HE is the abusive one

he has already turned your daughter's life upside down - she chose to leave you, luckily she has returned.

your choice

your daughter or your abusive husband...

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon. I won't, don't worry. I'm going out with my friends later so will be out of his way.

I think I'm just taken aback by these feelings resurfacing and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Feel your feelings! But recognise that, like the weather, they will pass.

Pinch yourself when you want a hug. Its totally normal to want that contact—in fact it is itself a trauma response (submit/attach) also known as the fawn response. We are designed to move closer to important figures and try to attach and submit for safety.

But you have to know intellectually that this will re-open the relationship and bring you harm. So deal with the unconscious body yearning at the level of the body: punch yourself, get up and leave the room, busy yourself with a project, de-ice the fridge, bust up an old armoire, take down a garden shed, smash some crockery, put on some headbanging music. Distract, substitute, avoid.

Thank you.

I've been out for a couple of drinks with friends tonight and I won't lie, the urge for contact is still strong. Thankfully he's asleep and I've hidden myself away upstairs.

I'm completely thrown by this, as I've spent a few weeks now doing grey rock & being totally put off by his inconsistency and mind games. I'm not sure where all these feelings and this sudden craving for affection has come from, I can only assume a combination of playing happy families today and feeling emotional about DS's birthday and the anniversary of him hurting me which is in a few days.

Will ride it out. As you say @fastcarsnarrowstreets, it'll pass!

Go into your daughter's bedroom and take a good long look at her.

Thank you for helping me stay strong @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon. I'm not going to repeat my mistake, I feel like I've learnt so much in the past few weeks. It's just nice to have this thread as an outlet for all these confusing feelings. Posting about them here helps stop me going running to him.

We are absolutely not condemning you for having these feelings! They are normal. They are also fleeting.

Are you unable to get him out before the anniversary of the attack? I think you can’t begin to heal and reclaim your independence until he has moved out. I think you are very destabilized and frightened by his continued, insulting, presence in the house.

I really don't want to do that to the kids @pikkumyy77. DS's birthday was such a sad and confusing day for them last year, I really want to give him a happy day this year before turning their lives upside down. Otherwise that will be 2 out of 3 of his birthdays ruined by this situation.

It's only an extra few days that I need to survive.

I feel completely heartbroken today. And I think it's going to break more when he actually leaves. Giving DS a nice birthday feels like a tiny bit of comfort in all of that.

Ok, I see the logic, but you definitely need to take this to therapy and work on it. Don’t let sentiment kill you.

In reality this “happy” birthday will not erase your DH’s horrendous behavior in all previous birthdays because your dh can’t stop being abusive. He will either spoil this birthday too, attack you again, use this birthday to get back in your good graces and start the cycle again, or Behave well for one day and then shit on you and your children for the rest if your lives.

This is basically the story of the scorpion and the frog: remember the scorpion persuades the frog to carry him over the river but starts stinging the frog to death midway .

“Why are you doing this? “ Frog shouts.
“You promised you wouldn’t sting me!”

Scorpion replies “It is in my nature.”

You were pretending to be a normal family at the party. You cannot pretend forever. Please @Cryingatthegym just think of the damage done to your daughter and the damage it would do to your youngest two if you stayed when you feel weak. Really think about the damage to your daughter, you should be blinded by rage at what he's put her through. Don't be scared of feeling those emotions, they are what will keep you away from him. You can do this.

I'm not going to stay or take him back. I promise. It's just an extra few days of him in the house for the sake of a bit of normality for the kids. I guess it feels like something I can control and get right for them, after letting them down so badly with all of this.

Even though I'm having all these confusing doubts and feelings, they're not going to win. I know it's all part of the process and that I need to work through them. H has no idea I'm feeling like this, I'm still grey rock to him. This thread is my outlet.

YOU are not and have not let the children down

HE HAS !!!

and when you stay you are not going to stay, you mean you are not going to stay in the relationship as it could be misunderstood and read that you are not going to stay in the home

it is him that is moving out.

however and I am sure this will have been thought by others, and hopefully you too - I am not 100% sure he will move out.

He's just messaged me asking if I can look after the kids on my own Thursday - Sunday so he can be free to clean the house once the students have left @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon. So I really think he will go. I do understand the worry though.

Why does it take him thursday-Sunday to clean the house. Surely 8 hours are enough? He should be able to clean, pack, and move in that time.

so actually he could move in on Thursday ! and clean whilst he lives there...

I really really do so hope he does indeed move out, and stays moved out !

I have to be truthful, I just don't see it.

and i would not be surprised if new tenants are moving in next Monday.

and I will be very happy to eat my words, apologise and admit I have him wrong.

The house is large and has had 4 students living in it for the past year, so I can definitely see why it might take him a few days to single handedly clean it and move his stuff in.

This is is super outing, but DS's birthday is on Monday next week, and DD goes to her dad's Thursday - Saturday each week. So while he could move this Thursday, I've asked him to make next Thursday the day he leaves, so the kids can have a nice normal day on DS's birthday.

Then I can tell DD when she comes back on the Saturday, and hopefully by then him and all his stuff will be gone, I'll have had chance to tidy up after he's left, and she won't have to witness any upheaval. He can just disappear into thin air as far as she's concerned.

That's the plan anyway. As I said, I don't mind riding out a few more uncomfortable days for the sake of DS having a nice birthday and the kids being able to enjoy themselves without all the upheaval overshadowing things.

The youngest kids are 18 months and about to be 3. They will not be aware of whether he is there or not and him being there runs the risk of him ruining 3 out of 3 doesn't it? They are too young to care @Cryingatthegym you know that.
How was your DD's birthday?

I'm mostly thinking of the birthday boy and my DD - she's going to be really upset by the upheaval especially as her sense of stability hasn't been great as it is since the incident last year.

Middle DS is very excited for his birthday for the first time ever and I guess I'm just trying to cling to as much normality as possible for them while I still can.

Smallest DS is obviously oblivious.

Couldn't your STBX leave this Thursday? I don't think the day he leaves will change much for your children, but the sooner he is gone the better for you. I'm not entirely clear about why your DS' birthday would delay your STBX's departure. Didn't you have a family birthday party for DS already? If so, on his actual birthday are you going to have another party? In any case, you might discover that the children will be less upset by the upheaval than you anticipate, particularly your DD. A sense of relief and calm in the house could be the best gift you could give any of the children.