Stumped.. even at my advanced age by guy?

[Swanmute]

Would welcome all advice. Dating again in midlife.. been with loving, attentive partner for six months, sex life revigorated. Promises made, holidays booked etc etc. phones me all time.. utterly loving. Yesterday I was shocked that he drove me home from his house early, barely after 10 pm, gave me my coat and casserole dish( I’d cooked tea) and basically’ There’s your hat, what’s your hurry’.. attitude. Today not willing to talk about it, closed down. I asked for conversation to clarify..not happened. So I’m giving him space but he does know I’m finding his behaviour unfathomable.
Two factors he works away.. part of time offshore, we’ve managed this well to date, love seeing him when he’s home. Secondly my adult son is recovering from cancer, going well waiting at moment for CT scan which will hopefully be clear. This man was Uber communicative to me, incredibly responsive and communicative. Was I love bombed..not feeling great tonight?

This sounds right to me. He had an early tee time and wanted to make sure you were out of the way.
Twattish behaviour, though. What is it about golf that makes sone people so obsessed?

Golf is so popular in the USA it seems odd to me he would need to get you “out” for an early tee time. Surely he would just say…tee time 0730. MN talks about golf hobby but it’s normal to me…many golfers in my fam and they are still good DH and Ddad. The alarm setting seems particularly off to me..I get wanting to have an evening in with you cooking and then slipping into the bedroom probably felt very comfortable but it smacks of a booty call to me based on his actions afterwards. I thought he would let you sleep bring you home late or in early am even if he wanted to golf. Did you feel like it was booty call complete with homemade dinner? it’s very off behavior to me OP and I too was single in my 40s. I think he lost interest or is interested in someone else. And the silence treatment…that seems more ominous too…does he plan on ghosting you?

This

Falling asleep by 9:30pm is odd and he probably thought if there is not going to be any conversation he might as well take you home.

If he’s “backed off” OP I wouldn’t share any more feelings with him - I would simply leave him to it and keep contact (if any is actually necessary ) only any relevant practical issues. There is no point in giving him anything more, he doesn’t deserve it. Absolutely move on quickly with your head held high.

^ This.

He may also just suddenly decided he didn’t want anything serious.

I don’t think love bombing is a silly term. I was definitely love bombed for sex as a teen. We just didn’t know the term for it. He didn’t fall in love with me as he was in love with himself.

Nice

How did you leave the conversation?

It is a proper term for a specific behaviour. Showering someone with gifts, praise, adulation early on to encourage the other person to fall in love..but this phase can’t last and is the behaviour of someone who is disingenuous. When they withdraw it, you are left craving that behaviour that made you feel wonderful and hope to get the person who you fell in love with back. It messes with your head.
I spent years trying to get the man I fell in love with back. Separated in the end..later realised I man I’d fallen for never existed.

She mentioned it's because she has pets.

I reckon he had a bad stomach or something and was embarrassed

To explain we had spent the late afternoon together, I’d cooked and we’d eaten and then made love for a couple of hours.We were cuddling in bed when I began to drift off. He apparently set alarm for half an hour on phone then made me get up.. it was 9. 30 pm. When I came downstairs he was sitting in half darkness with his coat on hand and ushered me out. He didn’t have guppy tummy or anything. Normally we might have had a cup of tea and watched telly. I planned to leave a couple of hours after this but had no choice. It did feel, after six months of him protesting love and planning a future… like a booty call.

Yes I sometimes stay over when my son is home and he can look after my pets? My partner usually loved this..

This is what I’m starting to feel..that I didn’t really know him at all?

His behaviour was so strange in ushering me out that we only exchanged a word or two in the car. I thanked him for driving me and said ‘see you later’. I was hurt at this point. He didn’t communicate much on Sunday, when I tried to clarify what happened he shut down, accepts no blame and went silent on me. I’ve left it. My son gets results of a CT scan this week after having cancer last year.. so that’s my priority. The plans we made for this week, going out etc are in abeyance. He’s left me dangling actually.. plus we’ve booked hols for October, also kaput?

Yeah I think as hard has it is, you have to leave it. This isn’t the behaviour of a gent. Your son is your priority. So sorry though that you thought things were going well and he’s turned out like this!

Sorry OP, but a little bit this.

Did you book the holiday? Have you made the initial payment?

The weather got a whole lot better in the UK this weekend. Perfect golf weather. Playing well means getting some good sleep the night before. So best to drive you home at 10pm rather than midnight or 1am but he didn't want to say that was the reason as you have previously told him 'don't prioritise golf over me'.

He can only play golf on his onshore days and it's golf season now. This is the peak time for him and his hobby so now you are feeling a shift in his behaviour. He put golf above his family life and, having got to know you over the winter and spring, he still wants to put golf first. He has 10 days onshore. He doesn't want to do day trips with you as that's a day of golfing missed. So he's got to be off with you to get out of it.

Yes.. initial payment was made, by him actually. Just to add, although I did fall for him in big way.. he was one making most of the romantic gestures and future promises. He really wooed me and I was the more laid back one if anything. I didn’t expect marriage just liked being in a reciprocal loving relationship.

This is close to what I’m starting to feel..? I was upset about being ushered out but his response is guaranteed to push me away.. We had planned to meet late morning today but that’s clearly not happening. So he’s got the days back for potential golf? The crazy thing is I don’t mind he’s a golf nut.. it’s the manipulation of me and my time I mind? Thanks..,

If he’s paid the deposit for holiday, so his loss and no need to contact him. He doesn’t deserve a conversation.

Who knows what his motives were. He may have love bombed you. Or he may have pursued you and then changed his mind. Did you see no red flags? Sometimes a wish for a relationship can blind us temporarily? Or else maybe there were none.

Either way it sounds like he was careless with your feelings, and not “a gentleman” as a previous poster said. Not a decent man.

I had a slightly similar experience (I couldn’t see the red flags clearly). I “got over” him very quickly as realised he was awful very quickly. However what was harder was feeling foolish and emotionally and sexually taken advantage of. But I hadn’t meant harm to anyone, just overestimated him and under-values myself. He OTOH I realised had been a creepy unfeeling user. A bitter lesson I’m afraid but that’s the way it was and lesson learnt; I would never undervalue myself like that again. Unfortunately sometimes these lessons continue later in life, as it did for me anyway. You’re not the only one. The writer Elizabeth Jane Howard met an actual romantic conman in her 70s and wrote a novel “Falling” based on her scary experience.

Thanks.. I’m reluctant to think he’s been a user but I do think he’s manipulating this situation and the silence is awful because he’d been so communicative? Re red flags.. the only one has been the actual reason his marriage broke down.( She put him out at start of pandemic and they divorced 2 years later) He has said they only stayed together for the kids when younger but his golf obsession contributed.

The thing is everyone has the right to change their mind, though hopefully in a decent way, not hustling one out of their house after sex. Whether he had been manipulative all along or not I guess is only something you can work out. In my case I think I was actually unknowingly ‘used’ in the sense that he gave no real actual thought to my feelings as a person either throughout or at the sudden ending, I was just a means to an end.