Stumped.. even at my advanced age by guy?

[Swanmute]

Would welcome all advice. Dating again in midlife.. been with loving, attentive partner for six months, sex life revigorated. Promises made, holidays booked etc etc. phones me all time.. utterly loving. Yesterday I was shocked that he drove me home from his house early, barely after 10 pm, gave me my coat and casserole dish( I’d cooked tea) and basically’ There’s your hat, what’s your hurry’.. attitude. Today not willing to talk about it, closed down. I asked for conversation to clarify..not happened. So I’m giving him space but he does know I’m finding his behaviour unfathomable.
Two factors he works away.. part of time offshore, we’ve managed this well to date, love seeing him when he’s home. Secondly my adult son is recovering from cancer, going well waiting at moment for CT scan which will hopefully be clear. This man was Uber communicative to me, incredibly responsive and communicative. Was I love bombed..not feeling great tonight?

It is all very odd. But really hurtful.

I'm just wondering if it's as simple as he was looking forward to seeing you too and was disappointed/irritated that you went to sleep. I'm not saying that's ok, just wondering if that's what it was. Or like someone else said maybe he was just tired or ill. Or maybe he is now showing his true colours. Hard to know at all if he won't talk to you about it though.

I just want to thank everyone on here for answers, I’m reeling because this was a communicative guy and a relationship that had( seemed to have) potential? I’m listening and appreciating all opinions. I’m not naive, have tried to be loving supportive partner.. so last night and today have laid me low. He does know what I feel, I asked for clarification.. he’s not fully engaging and won’t have conversation. This is unusual because he phones and chats all the time? My schedule next week busted, hols in October maybe off , I’ve not ranted at him today, stated my prob and left it. At present he’s AWOL.

So he would have had to drive you home in the early hours? How early?

I often, more than usually, take my car there15/20mins and drive myself home? He specifically said.. ‘Oh you can stay later, I’ll pick you up and drive you home..?’ I agreed. I wasn’t intending to be too late.. but thought I might leave at midnight/ one o’clock.. it was Saturday night and I hadn’t seen him for 17 days.. at 9.30pm.. he said ‘oh you’re snoozing’ set an alarm and had me out of house by back of ten. It was completely out of kilter from his previous behaviour and how he claimed to feel about me?

It is baffling when you thought that everything was in its usual frame and that things would follow the usual pattern and for him not to explain why it changed is hurtful and disconcerting. Him refusing to chat about it also feels unfair.

So there are ten days for him to think about how to mend bridges because he then leaves (I don't know how often is in/can be in communication when he is away, but he should really do it when he is still on the mainland). You need to decide when YOU want to have heard from him by and still give him a bit of space - in that you want to hear from him now (of course!) but when do you think you need to know by at the latest? A week from now perhaps?

Set that time in your own mind and occupy yourself brilliantly in that time, particularly if you have taken time off to see him. Instead focus on who and what you love - the stuff you like doing, shopping, meeting mates, going to the cinema, whatever it may be - and also on those who you know love you and who love you back - your son, friends, family, etc. Give your loved ones your love and give your attention to giving yourself some fun. Do not contact him before your deadline.

If he's not been in touch by your deadline then come back on here and we can help you craft a message to him (if that's what you want) along the lines of:

• Hate how we left it and still don't understand how things changed in the space of half an hour, let alone why you didn't explain
• Guessing we need to cancel our holiday now before it can't be refunded
• Wish you all the best, etc.

But that last section is probably a week away hey? In the meantime, try not to let your brain stray into why he has behaved this way (he may not even know himself - I'm 45 and divorced if it helps and have seen lots of mad male behaviour!) Just fill up your days with activity and ideally fun ones. X

Sorry for edits - walking back from the station with a hefty bag on my back and jolting my phone texting!

This is not a good look, OP. I would wonder why he actually set an alarm for you to leave.
What time zone does he work in? Could there possibly be an OW where he works? And he wanted to call her?

Yes.. I get what you’re saying. He has never appeared annoyed if we’ve slept before ..or had snooze.I’m beginning to feel he’s reached plateau in relationship, it’s all too real now at six month mark.. it’s sad, I’m so sad tonight but better he shows true colours now and I can assess situation?

Sounds like he's still married sorry @Swanmute

Thankyou from my heart so much.. I actually feel so foolish and stamped on.😔

100% agree with this.

You hadn’t seen him for 17 days and he treated you like that. Yuk!!! Your well rid op and I’d block him.

That's natural but here's the news... you are NOT foolish, his behaviour is! But you have every right to feel put down/stamped on because that is how he has made you feel. But giving someone a piece of your heart is never foolish, it's the twits who don't know what to do with that piece of love and trust who are foolish. Now c'mon, make some kick ass plans for the week ahead please!

I know. We do have very different daily rhythms.. he sleeps earlier than me and gets up earlier.. BUT not on Saturday nights, after 17 day absence. There isn’t another woman but there is an ex wife( divorced and a golfing habit.. so I’m maybe not a priority? Despite all his previous loving stuff? That’s how I feel at moment?

Well, whatever it is, it doesn't sound at all as if he deserves you.

It sounds like it's time to find someone who does!

I will.. we were going out a couple of days.. all plans shot but I’m going to see friends and do some arty/ crafty stuff. I’m not going to let this floor me completely. Thanks.

Maybe he was miffed at you falling asleep when you hadn't seen each other for 17 days?

Good woman - remake plans, relegate him to the Tupperware box at the back of your mind for now! It feels devastating, of course it does, and I genuinely get it, but it will feel even worse if you waste your days off in the meantime.

Get a whole new schedule sorted out for your days off, but also know by which date you need contact... a week seems good to me? Then forget him until then (as much as you can).

In the meantime, go out, craft the hell out of some paint/felt/glass and have some Prosecco.

Just to clarify.. I gave him lots of attention, made him a meal and had sex twice. He def wasn’t neglected…😂

So did he say that your plans for next week are cancelled?

I’m going to be honest, after coercive marriage and many years on my own.. I felt he was the one? I’ve been assertive and careful with my heart but he made me open up.. there’s a gut instinct however that he’s been too perfect, said all right stuff.. would it have deepened? He was truly loving and attentive. Was I being ‘read’.. your advice is great and spot on whether this works out or sadly ends?💕

I'm sorry OP, I'm not surprised you feel bad. But you shouldn't be, this is on him.

You've twice stated he loves his golf so I'm wondering if he had a booking at a course that he wanted to get to early in the morning, and the best way to ensure you were out of the way was to insist on driving you home instead of you having your car. I bet the lack of sex with ex was down to her beings sick of being a golfing widow.

Treat this one with caution, he's not being kind.

Oh darling... you are laying so much blame at your own door here, please don't do that. I totally get the recovery part after marriage, particularly a coercive one, and how it makes you more careful and vigilant, I am sure that you were all of those things. Your instincts have NOT lessened, you are alert and bright.

But here's something I really need to say to you... when we get that first flush of love we ALL think that person is too perfect, too good to be true. Because our hormones are doing the "Damn it, yes please!" dance. I thought it with my ex-husband, I thought it with my last major boyfriend. But things break for reasons beyond our control or our original judgement - we can't predict how someone might suddenly go cold. And they might have had all manner of reasons for doing that. It's not fair, it's harsh and cold, but most often they are drowning... but it doesn't mean we have to save them! Or that they want saving. My fundamental point is that almost ALL relationships begin with people having stars in their eyes - feeling that this IS IT - and actually it doesn't diminish with age either! Unless you are a massively jaded human.

I don't think you were being read AT ALL. I don't. I also don't think you were letting yourself believe more than you were being lead to believe. I also don't necessarily think this is the end of everything. What I do think is that people falter for a range of reasons, sometimes temporarily, sometimes for longer.

When things go wrong we give ourselves so much less credit. We blame ourselves. It's mad, it really is. You are not to blame, please don't twist yourself in knots over it, I know that is a lot to ask when things are raw. But if you can get some fun stuff into your diary for the week ahead, surround yourself with people you can rely on, then you'll feel much more able to deal with whatever the outcome may be. Stand in your own space, you are brilliant, you deserve brilliance, let's see what he can deliver. And if he can't, you will go on, and you won't have spent a week unhappy under your duvet. Sending you love. Xxx

Yep..spot on. I gave him benefit of doubt but maybe I’m being managed around golf. It was a significant part to end of his marriage.