Stumped.. even at my advanced age by guy?

[Swanmute]

Would welcome all advice. Dating again in midlife.. been with loving, attentive partner for six months, sex life revigorated. Promises made, holidays booked etc etc. phones me all time.. utterly loving. Yesterday I was shocked that he drove me home from his house early, barely after 10 pm, gave me my coat and casserole dish( I’d cooked tea) and basically’ There’s your hat, what’s your hurry’.. attitude. Today not willing to talk about it, closed down. I asked for conversation to clarify..not happened. So I’m giving him space but he does know I’m finding his behaviour unfathomable.
Two factors he works away.. part of time offshore, we’ve managed this well to date, love seeing him when he’s home. Secondly my adult son is recovering from cancer, going well waiting at moment for CT scan which will hopefully be clear. This man was Uber communicative to me, incredibly responsive and communicative. Was I love bombed..not feeling great tonight?

That’s terrible behaviour last evening and terrible behaviour again today. Has he been withdrawn like this before? You said no. It’s not normal to just shoo someone out of the house like that. Is he worth the aggro? Days working away and then days on the golf course, then being weird in the little time you have together.

I think its getting too serious for him...hes blowing hot cold. You don't need that. Dont contact him anymore and go on with your own plans, including holiday in October, on your own or with a friend. Don't stop living, youre smart.
I bet also, when he goes away to work he will uptake on the texts and communication, because he will feel alone, breadcrumbing. Then he will come back after reeling you in, eat your food, have sex and get your coat and tell you to bugger off afterwards. He will go away again to work, apologise, come back, rinse, repeat. If he refuses to talk.....dont talk .ignore.

Sex twice is encouraging. Surely he'd have just managed the once if he was going off you?

I guess I need to hear this.. no it’s not right. He phoned and texts all the time when offshore.. I don’t think I’m over- reacting but his behaviour disconcerted me last night. He doesn’t appear to be accepting it( at present).. I’ve stopped communicating too. It wasn’t acceptable behaviour and I realise that.

Made me laugh..! Yeah.. I guess🤔

maybe I’m being managed around golf. It was a significant part to end of his marriage.

If he wouldn't change for his family unit to the point it broke his marriage then he's not going to change for his latest squeeze. He will expect you to fall in line like his ex eventually did, but he will treat you like he treated (trained) his wife. Stonewalled and unable to question what HE does in HIS time. How dare you!

I suspect this is the real him.

Do you normally snooze and then get up and continue the evening?
Could he have thought that you wanted to sleep now, so got ready to drive you home as soon as you appeared. I suppose that does not explain why he won't just explain that but he may feel you are over reacting to him trying to be kind and considerate??

Thankyou.. we had discussion early on where I asked’Dont manage me around golf’.. I meant he could play frequently( I have hobbies too!) but not to lie to me or prioritise golf over me.. given he works away. I thought he got it. I now don’t think he even got off starting blocks in understanding. Yes she gave it twenty years..

Hmm..I’ve tried to give him benefit of doubt but it was earlier than I’d ever left before, given I often drive myself home.. I have to accept he seemed to want me out? It’s just so different to previous actions and promises, our future plans are shot now, hols etc. Maybe he was future faker…it’s hard to come to terms with?

It does sound like he love bombed you in the early days. I wonder if it’s because you booked the holiday? Now breaking up would be more difficult so maybe he’s testing you to see how he can treat you, now he feels you’re committed? I would leave the ball in his court regarding communication and the plans you had and see what happens. I’d suggest reading up on love bombing and the cycle of abuse and see if you recognise any behaviours or patterns. Previous history of abusive relationships can mean you’re more vulnerable to get into another one. I know I did, but the next one was covert and very, very slow and insidious and it wasn’t until I was out of it that I realised it was abusive.
I’m sorry you’ve been left feeling disappointed.

Thanks so much .. yes the relationship may have being getting more serious. The holiday was booked( just initial payment) and my adult son is recovering from cancer .. waiting for’all clear scan’.. this may have been too much for a guy who love bombed wonderfully for a few months. Reality kicked in. It’s so sad.

Doesnt love bombing work both ways though? Like the love and affection is reciprocated?

Initial payment on holiday, you can change details on that booking and continue to pay...go with your son.
This guy is a divorcee who wants fun and no commitment..he also knows most women wont put out or do anything for him if he was honest about his wanting fun... especially at his age. Don't overthink it...ignore him..dont initiate anymore. Don't get reeled in again. Make plans for yourself

Can you get your money back for the holiday? Hope initial payment not much.
I think he knew he wanted you out early so he engineered being in control of your transportation. It's shit that he obviously planned it, but kept you in the dark.
2 possibilities, either he was hiding about it being about getting on the golf course early, or golf is actually a euphemism he has for an OW. His exW may have realised he was up to more than golf.
If it was just the golf, I'd say its pathetic not to say, but then you had already told him that he was not to prioritise it.
If he can plan for you to leave early, you'd think he could of planned a plausible reason other than golf, then given you the option of whether to accept seeing him less in the evening or another time instead.
Do not contact him, see if he does in the next 10 days. If he doesn't it's time to block. After how he has behaved, even if he does contact you I'd consider not replying or give him short shrift. Behaviour like that would be a dealbreaker for me.

So, you "gave him lots of attention" and "tried to be loving supportive partner".

You say "I’ve been assertive and careful with my heart but he made me open up.. there’s a gut instinct however that he’s been too perfect, said all right stuff"

Plus you "felt he was the one".

I think you were trying to move this 6 months relationship on too quickly...... and he got cold feet.

So he hasn't even bothered to contact you today to discuss what happened even though he knows you aren't happy about being pushed out at 10.
he's showing you who he is now, so believe him and get rid, he's testing you to see how much he can get away with.
he will come back, they always do, please don't take him back as it will only get worse.

How was he earlier in the evening? His normal self would you say?

Thank you.. no other woman for definite but he does try and control my leaving ( perhaps for golf fixture).. I won’t contact him now, he had option today to have convo. No joy. My boundaries kicking in big time.

This is the point I was making. Who was lovebombing who? Plus why do we even use that silly term? In the olden days before labels it was simply called falling in love with someone, which is usually a 2 sided business.

The snoozing thing sounds pretty odd to me. Was he disappointed you’d fallen asleep so early? If I was due to drive someone home rather than then stay the night, the fact they’d fallen asleep would be a pretty obvious sign it was time for them to leave.

Is he expecting an apology from you for falling asleep on your date?

Maybe he was having gastric distress and worried he'd shit all over you if you stayed the night xD

OK I exaggerate but a dodgy stomach wpuld explain the sudden need to shift you out.

Of course, so would an offer from another woman...

Thanks but believe you me I was falling in love with him but not love bombing him…nor was I trying to move it on too quickly. I was reciprocally enjoying the relationship. He was always phoning, giving gifts, wanting to be reassured.. now the switch?

Yes.. normal, had been loving, same the day before. I’ve just checked and he’s not communicated at all for hours. I’m going to leave him now and stay away? We were going out for day tomorrow..taken time off.. all plans scuppered?

Just see if he gets in contact when it's daylight.

If not, I'd leave him to it and do something else nice.