Stumped.. even at my advanced age by guy?

[Swanmute]

Would welcome all advice. Dating again in midlife.. been with loving, attentive partner for six months, sex life revigorated. Promises made, holidays booked etc etc. phones me all time.. utterly loving. Yesterday I was shocked that he drove me home from his house early, barely after 10 pm, gave me my coat and casserole dish( I’d cooked tea) and basically’ There’s your hat, what’s your hurry’.. attitude. Today not willing to talk about it, closed down. I asked for conversation to clarify..not happened. So I’m giving him space but he does know I’m finding his behaviour unfathomable.
Two factors he works away.. part of time offshore, we’ve managed this well to date, love seeing him when he’s home. Secondly my adult son is recovering from cancer, going well waiting at moment for CT scan which will hopefully be clear. This man was Uber communicative to me, incredibly responsive and communicative. Was I love bombed..not feeling great tonight?

But it was over, confirmed in writing by him before you posted this thread.

And you were writing in a way that suggested it was not over, but it was a blip, and he needed time. And that is how people have responded to you.

Just block and delete from WhatsApp, he’s your ex, that’s all.

@SexSectionNameChange SexSectionNameChange
He never said ‘it’s over or that he didn’t love me.. I’m not deluded??? On Sunday he denied he’d done anything wrong, wouldn’t engage etc.. it was me who said .. when he said to ‘find someone new’.. I said well ‘thanks for admitting you never loved me.’
. Yes I was upset!!
In actual fact he hasn’t ended it.. said it’s over or told me to piss off…He’s kept me dangling.. he contacted me today to try and reel me back in.
Sorry I’m annoyed.. I’d never post a fake scenario on here. I’m relaying it exactly as it happened. I think you’re well out of order. 😕It’s my life and I know what I’m going through.

This 💯

@Swanmute
There’s a few posts saying ‘just block and delete’ etc etc. Yes that’s probably the best thing to do but you’re not a robot. Humans don’t work that way - surprisingly a lot of people actually feel things. Don’t let anyone invalidate your feelings. You feel what you feel.

Sorry OP, we're reading that Sunday message of his which said "Hopefully you'll meet someone better for you" - what else could he mean then other than he is finished with the relationship?

Ok ,Thank you for all the support and the nice peeps on here.. my integrity and truth is being doubted now, despite me relaying facts. I wasn’t dumped on Sunday I was gaslighted and ignored and I was contacted today for more mindfuckery. I’m going to go because two women on here have decided to pile trash on me at a difficult time. It doesn’t actually matter.. I’ll never see him again anyway and am stronger without him. The genuine support was invaluable.

Look just to clarify.. Yes Initially I took it like that. Believe me I don’t need telling twice.
He also said he was feeling devastated, thought it would go the distance.. etc etc mixed messages.. but no accountability? Then silence, then tried to contact me today.. I’m done.. I don’t need to prove anything to you about my life and/ or my feelings.

Please don’t pay any heed to the harsh posts - it’s too easy to give it out from behind a keyboard. Wonder if their lives are managed effectively with such clear cut emotionless actions.

Given the context it’s understandable that you would be confused. Do not be reeled in & trained by his hot/cold behaviour.

No malice intended. We've all been going through it with you and keeping up. If he's said he's feeling devastated, that he thought it would go the distance then he's making no sense as he caused it all!! He seemed to miss out the important step of telling you why he's gone ice cold on everything.

Nothing confusing there.

He said he hopes you meet someone else, he's devasted it didn't work out as he had hoped it would. Why does he need to apologise? He is allowed to end any relationship he wants to, any time. He doesn't need to give you a reason.

I’m just trying to help, I don’t mean to be harsh. I know when these things happen it’s always hard to see clearly when you are involved and that is why it’s good to talk to other people.

The message I’ve circled gives me the strong impression he has in fact ended it.

I have not said it’s fake.

I’ve not said he told you he didn’t love you.

I’ve not said you’re deluded.

I’ve not said he told you to piss off.

I can’t comment on his message today that is trying to ‘reel you back in’ as you have not posted screenshots.

I don’t think he’s kept you dangling. He ended things Sunday evening. He’s contacted you since then. If you don’t want to be contacted because you find it confusing then you must block and/or delete. I certainly would not want to keep in contact with this man, but he absolutely has the right to end things whether you are expecting it or not, and if things were going brilliantly or not. As do you.

And, completely separately to your post, I really find it too weird when people say ‘oh well, his loss’. Obviously not, or else he wouldn’t have done it.

@Swanmute

What those posters are failing to understand is you’ve just had 6 months of severe love bombing and when you get a message like ‘find someone else’ it could be interpreted as him saying he’s not good enough for you. They need to understand your context and what you’ve been through and therefore how you would interpret that message. They are indulging in pure black and white thinking and not seeing it from your point of view.

Sure I think he is basically saying he’s not ready for a relationship but I understand how that message could be interpreted especially due to the sudden change in behaviour.

Re him feeling devastated, I’ve felt that every time I’ve ended a relationship. I liked them enough to have a relationship in the first place, but can see that it is not working out for whatever reason and so reluctantly end it. That’s normal.

What? Are you a man? A tone-deaf narcissistic one at that? He was literally professing his love to OP two days earlier and had slept with her twice before a gigantic, confusing, cowardly and mean switch which prompted this thread

I can see why the other posters are saying he finished with you in that text message on Sunday - but after having sex twice, probably with lots of kissing and cuddles with a lovely homecooked meal and chat, no wonder you were confused. Actions were totally different to his words and we constantly bang on here that actions speak louder than words. In this case they don't.

A decent man would have told you it was over first instead of offering to drive you to/from their house to have sex and dinner. So that should tell you that he is NOT a decent, thoughtful, honest, or good man. He's just another common liar who lied to get his leg over. Thank goodness you only wasted 6 months on this creep.

Onwards and upwards OP

This is all on him. He didn't actually end it Sunday, he turned down the opportunity for a grown-up conversation and sent you a wishy washy, "Hope you meet someone better than me." Then I bet he'd claim you never challenged him on it/ told him he was great. Poor him🙄

My guess is that he isn't capable of a mature relationship or having open conversations. For whatever the reason - quite likely the golf - he has now bailed. It's not you; it's him.

Thanks.. I absolutely think he’s backed off as relationship got too real or for his own needs. That’s his prerogative. I resent accusation that I’m deluded, I’m in my fifties now, not naive, got away from a coercive marriage and raised my boy on my own. It was the switch and quick change that floored me in his behaviour, the gaslighting and stonewalling. I came on here not for answers, just for a bit of support alongside my good friend who has helped. This man promised me the world.I have a right to be sad. Mumsnet has been really helpful so I remain grateful.

Well, no one is saying it was a decent way to call it off.

They’re simply saying he called it off.

Why did you specify SINGLE mums though?. Weird comment. I also though what a strange think to say. Some women have low bar whether they have kids or not.

As a single mum, I was always wary of flash harry types, definitely not drawn to them.

You do indeed have the right to be sad, I’m glad we have all said that.

And I’m not sure who called you deluded.

Take some time to lick your wounds then get back out there! There’s a long running dating thread here somewhere, full of supportive men and women.

Why don’t you attach me to a 1000 volt live wire and throw the switch..?😬 You’ve made your point and I disagree with it.

First of all, wishing your son all the very best. I think that’s your first priority as I’m sure you know.

next: offshore. Massive red flag klaxon for me. I wouldn’t touch an offshore worker with a barge pole. And that is the voice of bitter experience and evidence. Sorry op, that’s my take.

Agree with consensus to say nothing. He wants a reason to feel good about himself, so don't give it to him.

In these situations, the only small bit of justice is that when the dust settles and they think of you, it makes them feel awkward and reminds them of their inadequacy communicating.

When you think of them , you feel nothing, relief, proud of your dignity.

And that's as close to righting a wrong as you'll ever get.

I've been in similar situations.

I certainly would not want to keep in contact with this man, but he absolutely has the right to end things whether you are expecting it or not, and if things were going brilliantly or not. As do you.

@SexSectionNameChange um no, no, no. You don't get someone over to your house and use them for sex if you've changed your mind about the relationship. That is shitty behaviour.

No wonder men feel they are entitled to treat women this way in their 50s as long as people like you defend it.

I think this guy is a psycho. In his messages he says ‘I’m sorry I treated you so badly’ then he says ‘you’re upset?….I never lied’. He’s nuts