Stumped.. even at my advanced age by guy?

[Swanmute]

Would welcome all advice. Dating again in midlife.. been with loving, attentive partner for six months, sex life revigorated. Promises made, holidays booked etc etc. phones me all time.. utterly loving. Yesterday I was shocked that he drove me home from his house early, barely after 10 pm, gave me my coat and casserole dish( I’d cooked tea) and basically’ There’s your hat, what’s your hurry’.. attitude. Today not willing to talk about it, closed down. I asked for conversation to clarify..not happened. So I’m giving him space but he does know I’m finding his behaviour unfathomable.
Two factors he works away.. part of time offshore, we’ve managed this well to date, love seeing him when he’s home. Secondly my adult son is recovering from cancer, going well waiting at moment for CT scan which will hopefully be clear. This man was Uber communicative to me, incredibly responsive and communicative. Was I love bombed..not feeling great tonight?

Ignoring is the best response.

Yep, take back your power and now you ghost him, go live your life, bigger and better....and find someone not in to golf lol

I met him just before Christmas and it was freezing.. so was Spring at times.. I’m only seeing now the weather is better how Golf is an addiction and total priority? I will absolutely never get involved with anyman who has to play dawn till nighttime,most days and weekends.. his poor ex wife.😔

yep, I suspect it’s all about getting his needs met.

Do we know for certain that golf definitely was the reason for the about turn?

So glad to see your update that a) he has been in touch and b) you have ignored him as he deserves. That was such an upsetting thing to happen at the weekend, gives me the fear about ever dating again running into someone like that.
You continue to be your fabulous self and he continues to be the golfing loser he is.

Well done for being strong @Swanmute
I cannot understand men like this.

I worked with a lady, years ago. She met a guy, I think it was through a dating agency, it was a long time ago!

Anyway, he was all over her, proposed really quickly and set wedding date.
He had two teenage children who were not happy with the situation, their mum had not long passed so not surprising.

He told this lady he would sort things out with them, give him a bit of time to butter them up, how he adored her etc.

Anyway, she had not heard from him in over a week ( long before mobiles). She went round to his house and it was up for sale. The neighbour told her he had moved to America with the kids!

She was really high up in her field and not a silly lady, all her plans had been destroyed.

Please don't respond to this man, even for closure and best wishes to your son on his results.

You sound like a lovely lady x

Trust me, the dedicated golfer will play when there's snow on the ground (or that might just be my ex). Orange balls, apparently (the golf ones).

he's used you for sex when he got back from work, then discarded you so he could spend a few days playing golf, now he's testing you to see if he can use you further.
A man like this never changes and if you take him back you're telling him he can do this again and again.
Please Do Not respond, I would block and delete him on everything too, that's the only message he deserves

Usually wearing double denim

that made me laugh! Agree, I'm reasonably familiar with that industry and it's an odd one.

Some humble hardworking guys (very often international) who clearly had plans for the money, save up, set themselves up, invest sensibly, then move forward in life. Actually was tempted to do this at one point myself.

And some guys who unfortunately got caught up in the whole "£500-1000 day rate and posh hotels and fly back by private plane" lifestyle.

Hover round posh Aberdeen bars with multiple women flocking to them so they can rinse them for the bonuses.

I also laughed at the double denim. But it can be a good look if you have some kind of style about you 😁 .

I’m afraid “used you for sex” springs to mind. Sometimes it is that simple. Kinda vile on an older guy, perhaps unexpected ….

I’m done with it now and grateful thanks to you all on here. Just so you can see why I found it so crazy making.. here are his messages to me( I’ve taken off names)on the FRIDAY.. then his response to me on SUNDAY when he was unwilling to talk and told me to find someone else😳😳😳 They may come up in wrong order

This is Sunday

So he said it was over on Sunday, before the original post was written. I thought there was still a chance of hope but he sounded pretty resolute on that message. Regardless, what a strange turnaround in attitude in the course of a day.

He is an absolute idiot! Gah. His lovey messages are a bit OTT ~ I have been in similar situations and that’s the similarity. The last guy seemed SO genuine and did the same. I called him out and he made up some lame excuse about mental health and living with his parents (stuff I already knew). They can’t be honest with themselves so how could they ever be honest with us.

Best of luck to you and your son

Yep, gaslighting shithead. "You're upset?" What a wanker.

You are well shot of him.

Ooooh he's a right c*nt isn't he. And I don't use that word lightly.

The whole "well I'm sorry I'm such an arsehole, clearly you should find someone else" is absolute gaslighting. Making out that you're the demanding diva with ridiculous expectations.

My ex would do this. "Oh, I'm such an arsehole, well off you go to find the better man you deserve.". He went on to abuse me until I had a breakdown and PTSD.

That's exactly how he started.

Dear God, don't be sad. Get yourself a glass of something bubbly and toast that the trash has removed itself from your life without to much damage. Cheers 🥂

They always manage to get one last fuck in though don’t they?

Men (some) do not deserve women (some). This guy has the emotional intelligence of a slug, he did not deserve you. I hope you have some good people around you to lift you up xxx

Dear God, don't be sad. Get yourself a glass of something bubbly and toast that the trash has removed itself from your life without to much damage. Cheers 🥂

Brilliant. Couldn't have put it better myself!

FWIW I think you have handled it all really well, OP.

Might there have been a chance that his colleagues or friends were all footloose themselves, and so they managed to put him off the idea of being in a serious relationship? Regardless, it's his loss.

Haven’t commented till now, but have been following the thread.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. It reminded me of a boyfriend I had when I was 22 (though no golf) he got cold feet after about 6 months and I was so upset, I think he couldn’t cope with getting emotionally attached. Years later he told me exactly this and by that time (20 years later) I’d had so much else to worry about it paled into insignificance and I had no patience left so I wrote and told him what I’d thought of what he’d done (effectively ghosting me, but it wasn’t a term then).
Onwards and upwards OK, and best wishes for you and your son.

He just wouldn’t engage, said I should find someone to treat me better.. this is the first real argument we’d had.. he just folded.

Yes, he was clearly calling it off on Sunday evening before you posted here. And you were talking about giving him space and were half expecting him to turn up for a planned outing. From his point of view, he called it off and that was final. I think just as women sometimes have been mulling it over for some time before then end something, he had been mulling it over while he was away at work.

Commiserations on an unexpected ending to something you liked, but he was clear in that message.

To be honest I think he has golf acquaintances/ buddies and that’s it? I did wonder if there’s a new golfing goddess at the clubhouse.. but I think it got too real for him and he literally about- faced? It’s shocking to read back though..

Yes I’m taking it like that.. he had some last sex then over. He contacted me today on WhatsApp but I’ve ignored clearly.😳It’s a mind fcuk.