Stumped.. even at my advanced age by guy?

[Swanmute]

Would welcome all advice. Dating again in midlife.. been with loving, attentive partner for six months, sex life revigorated. Promises made, holidays booked etc etc. phones me all time.. utterly loving. Yesterday I was shocked that he drove me home from his house early, barely after 10 pm, gave me my coat and casserole dish( I’d cooked tea) and basically’ There’s your hat, what’s your hurry’.. attitude. Today not willing to talk about it, closed down. I asked for conversation to clarify..not happened. So I’m giving him space but he does know I’m finding his behaviour unfathomable.
Two factors he works away.. part of time offshore, we’ve managed this well to date, love seeing him when he’s home. Secondly my adult son is recovering from cancer, going well waiting at moment for CT scan which will hopefully be clear. This man was Uber communicative to me, incredibly responsive and communicative. Was I love bombed..not feeling great tonight?

We’ve all been there OP! It’s a horrible feeling. It makes you question everything/ yourself. Sorry it’s very disappointing.

OP agree you sound cool hope you're enjoying that G and T!

Unfortunately I've found this kind of awful behaviour is fairly common in the dating scene now, especially with apps or online...

If a guy is reasonably affluent/good job and social skills, and is able to maintain good chat and communication they can end up acting like Hugh Hefner collecting attractive women without really being serious.

There's no real social accountability.

They might settle down when they get too old, or if someone really hangs on in there and acts like a doormat, but they just use other women as an ego or attention boost (and they often get a thrill out of "winning over" reserved classy women emotionally then dropping them).

It's just really immature and nasty - consenting adults can do what they like, but then just be upfront about it.

Why go to all that effort to lower someone's self-esteem? Someone vulnerable (not OP as she's clearly super chilled) might really struggle.

You've had some good advice op but just wanted to add that you seem like a really nice, thoughtful person and any man who throws you into confusion and doubt like this isn't worth your time.

I’m not going to text him now.. I did ask him twice on Sunday for a conversation which he ignored and then he didn’t show up today when we’d agreed to go out at 11 am.. I actually doubt they’ll be any closure. I saw him as reputable, caring, communicative guy but am now wondering whether this is a playbook? Yes, it’s the week my son hears about CT scan( hopefully cancer free) What kind of man/ human being does that?

Exactly, it's funny how he was perfectly able to act kindly and attentively when he was trying to reel you in.

I'm struggling to follow....why would it have been better to let you sleep til midnight then wake you up and kick you out? There would have been no quality time gained just a really annoying midnight drive while groggy after a few hours sleep?

Is there a chance that he is seeing someone else and she was unexpectedly on her way that night and he panicked and needed rid of you asap ? What ever the reason , you do right to be strong and not try to reach out to him again asking for another conversation. You could tex him in the future a piece of your mind , you may feel better for it and don’t give up on men . Move on and enjoy , they aren’t all dickheads !

Please just block him. You'll get over it quicker if you're not subconsciously waiting/hoping that he will call or message.

Blocking is the one thing that puts you back in control.

It doesn't matter why he's behaved like this, doesn't matter if it was planned or whether he has or hasn't done it before, all that matters is he treated you like a booty call and you won't give him the chance to ever do that again.

🤞 for your son xx

Very insightful. Yes “reasonably affluent/good job” and social skills can equate to very entitled, or worse. For such men there is simply no accountability just as you describe and they don’t care; it’s just passing the time for them, perhaps an ego boost, and getting their sexual needs met (for free) at the same time. Ugh.

That's appallingly rude behaviour. I'm wondering about his offer of a lift and whether it meant he was in control of when you came and went and nothing to do with letting you have a drink and chill. As maddening as it is, after all the professions of commitment, he's a ghoster and you might never find out why he did it. You seem to have your head screwed on though x

Also, I know not all offshore men are the same but I met some when single and had friends who did the same and oo boy. They were problems. Secret families. Multiple girlfreinds. Porn addictions.

They might settle down when they get too old,

Whilst I agree with the essence of what you say, this man is in his 50s, so, despite his affluence, he won't have his pick of younger women who might want more children, for example.

I think in this case, this is just his horrible personality because he evidently treated his ex wife the same way...

You are worth more.

Still
Hurts though.

This is my experience too. I worked in bars where they would flock too.

Plus Peter Pan syndrome. The 50yr+ olds would come out with the 20yr olds and act the same. Usually wearing double denim. Massive egos and superiority complexes. Most were not very bright, but because of the higher offshore wages danger money they acted like they were millionaires, certainly spent like it. Often had nothing of consequence to show for it though.

www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle-stages-impact-and-coping-6363187#:~:text=The%20narcissistic%20abuse%20cycle%20starts,the%20signs%20it%20is%20happening.

This is horrific.

My ex did something similar - picked a fight I couldn't win then stormed off to his house and didn't answer calls for two days. After a year of honeymoon period love bombing and telling me he wanted to be with me forever I was the best woman he'd met in his life he'd never known a love like this etc

We worked through it and got back together with me being firm that if he ever did anything like that again we're over and if he needs space then that's fine just communicate and reassure when you'll be back and ready to chat.

Had another mini honeymoon period when I became pregnant (his idea) and he proposed and found a house for us to buy together, offer accepted mortgage sorted etc.

He then did it the same thing to me again 5 weeks before our baby was born just before we were about to exchange on the house. I had to send him a message after two days saying 'I deserve more than this what is happening' for him to call me and confirm that yes he had definitely left me and wasn't coming back.

He now lives with another woman he apparently met when our baby was four months old. The third woman since the pandemic that he's moved in with and tried to make a family with.

He has shown you who he is and how important your feelings are to him. It sounds like you're a bit older than me so not planning babies etc but I just wanted to share this for anyone reading! (Not that I would change anything really as my little boy is perfect but I 'could' maybe have had the family with a partner that I wanted and was promised and I feel sad about that)

Will have his pick of single mums wanting a partner though

Yes.. I can drive myself to his house and back.. (normally do) but him insisting on picking me up definitely puts him in control of time? He’s choosing when I arrive and leave.. there’s no other woman that I know of but there is an obsession to get on golf course early? I’ve become a casualty of that? He thinks it’s ok to manage me around golf.. a session with me/ session on golf course! He lost his marriage to golf and he’s now attempting same tactics with me.

So sorry you went through this, the promising you the world and then reneging on everything sounds unbearable. Many years ago I left a coercive marriage and having my son ( who is now an adult).. was the best part of that and a joy in my life. With present situation.. yes I still have promises ringing in my ears of ‘how I’d changed his life’ of ‘how compatible we are’ etc etc etc.. but his silence/ ghosting is what I’m paying attention to?

When we first met I was wary of the offshore career. He’s in a management role and did openly lie about the shenanigans he saw happening when the rig teams came ashore. Yet I’d known through girlfriends etc that the antics of some husbands/ boyfriends were outrageous. He admitted a month or so later that some colleagues lied about double lives and the actual time they got leave( they go party for a couple of days before going home?) I’ve always remembered he lied.. although I do know he himself comes straight home..

I’m kind of for out-psychoing them in this situation… probably the wrong thing to do, but have had satisfaction sort of ringing them endlessly and asking WTF?! While being completely removed from it and with the only aim of making them uncomfortable etc etc.

But why would you bother @Slattern77
You'd be giving them too much headspace.
Feeding their ego - they would then believe you care so much about them and they don't care about you.

Nah! Move on.
Onwards and upwards.
Their loss.

Hoping you get the good news about your ds @Swanmute

Very much so. And there are lots of women generally who will be interested - after all
on paper they look good and in person seem plausible. It can tempting in mid-life to shoehorn such a candidate into your happy ever after ideal.

What you have to learn to do I realise (too late for me though) is discern very much what is going on in the heart of the person, rather than how they simply present. Playing close attention, taking your time and using all your instincts about whether this person is at heart a good soldier. For myself, their attitudes to their ex or exes and why their relationship ended, as well as attitude to pornography were telling. But I guess this will vary from person to person.

(Though I’m not saying that is always foolproof; I’m thinking of the lovely children’s author who was murdered by her fiancé for money being an example. 3+ year relationship, a plausible family man (though he killed his first wife too), there were no Clare’s Law issues and nobody guessed; still when you see him being arrested, interviewed etc he comes across to me as an ugly, arrogant, ignorant creep).

@deeahgwitch well for my own satisfaction and then I was able to quickly move on. I just hate letting them “get away with it”. I believe they need to be called out and give an explanation especially after that long.

But also agree with just letting them go. But for me, it helped 🤷‍♀️ and I feel if we all did it, they’d think twice before doing it to someone again

Just to update there has been contact.. I’d welcome interpretation?? We’re part of a WhatsApp group that plays word games/ Wordle ( usually from New York Times) , our winning stats come up daily.. then a monthly winner? This month I came second, the results go out to everyone? He’s just sent me a message saying’Well done, hope you have a good day’!!!!!!!???
What the flying fcuk?
I was going to text back ‘Better than yesterday when you stood me up and on Saturday when you ushered me out early!’
.. but have just ignored it.
Cynically it’s threatening rain where we live, so his golfing might be curtailed?😳

Will have his pick of single mums wanting a partner though

Really? Even though he's far to selfish to consider his partner, let alone a child. The OP doesn't say if he has kids?