My husband will not respect my need for sleep. Help!

[Girlmom35]

So, I'll start off by saying I'm a light sleeper. Always have been. I remember laying awake for hours as a kid. I have trouble falling asleep. The slightest noise wakes me up and once I'm awake, I don't fall asleep again easily. And most mornings, no matter how tired I am, I'll be awake 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. I've learned to live with little sleep, especially since motherhood. Although motherhood has helped in a way, because I'm so tired now that I do actually fall asleep faster.

My husband will fall asleep in an instant, and not wake up unless something big happens. He sleeps well and deeply and will sometimes sleep through the alarm or needs to be waken up multiple times. I envy him. He also has some autistic traits, like empathy being difficult for him. Unless he experiences something himself, he will have trouble understanding how someone else feels. This is where I need help. I have tried to talk to him every way that I can about needing more uninterrupted sleep, but he keeps not taking it seriously.

Every night it's something.
I will say that I'm heading off to bed and ask if he'll come too. Because if he walks in an hour later, he will do something stupid like turn all the bedroom lights on, or drop something on the floor. He doesn't get that if I wake up, it will take me an hour to fall asleep again. He will say he's right behind me, but then get distracted and come to bed late, when I specifically asked him not to.
Or he will come to bed with me, but decide he wants to fiddle on his phone before going to sleep. And I just know that at some point he'll open an app with sound and wake me up when I've just fallen asleep. This is despite me asking him repeatedly to check whether his phone sound is off before going to bed. Or he'll open a can of soda in the middle of the night.

I just can't take it anymore. Every night I beg him to please let me sleep. To be careful not to drop anything, not to play videos with sound on. And every single night he ends up costing me at least an hour of sleep. He apologizes, but then he expects me to just turn around and go back to sleep. I can't. I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep and I'm exhausted.

Why do I not go to bed earlier? If I go to bed too early, I just end up laying awake. I wish I could. I need to be really tired before I can fall asleep.
Why I don't use earplugs? I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and I'm not comfortable not being able to hear them in case they wake up crying from a bad dream, or if they get sick.
We have a guest bedroom with a very comfy bed. I know I might have to resort to sleeping there if this doesn't get better. I've asked my husband to go sleep there if he comes to bed late, and he will do that when I specifically ask him to. But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me. And honestly I would really prefer to sleep next to my husband as well.

And please don't set the MN maffia on me to tell me I need to leave my husband. He's a good husband and father in most other areas. We all have our flaws. I'm asking for advice on how I can get through to him so I can sleep next to the man I love and still get more than 6 hours of sleep every night.

Separate rooms all the way it will save your sanity, at least while the kids are so little- you would be surprised how many couples do this if you admit to doing it yourself first!

Use ear plugs. If you are a light sleeper you will hear your children believe me.

And tell your husband that he either comes to bed with you or he sleeps in the spare room. Those are reasonable options. If he gets sad and misses you the solution is in his own hands, he just needs to come up with you.

But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me.

When he gets sad, you can point out that this is the natural consequence of what he does. He has chosen this. He can choose to behave in a different way and you will sleep with him. Honestly, if he really is great in every other way and he's not punishing you or being an arse (which it sounds like) I'd just sleep in the spare room for three nights every single time he does it.

How can he miss you? He's asleep! Silly little sulky man child. SEPERATE bedrooms 100%!

Yes, sleep in different rooms. If you don't want it to be a permanent thing, agree you need x nights per week of good sleep and those nights you sleep apart.

Neither of you us entirely right or wrong. He is clearly a but blasé. But you are also very very sensitive to this issue.

Separate rooms, if he pulls a sulky face say he has to take not disturbing your sleep seriously, and if he doesn’t separate rooms continues.

You need to get tough! Put yourself first and sleep in the guest room. If he tells you he gets sad tell him that's better than you being exhausted. He is in control here and can try things to help you otherwise you need to put yourself first. Exhaustion is dangerous.

Lots of couples sleep apart and retain good relationships. Time to be one of them.

Separate bedrooms, definitely.

Sit him down and get him to agree - and write down - the things he isn't going to do any more, because they are selfish and inconsiderate. Stick the list on the bedroom wall. When he breaks one of the rules, point it out to him on the wall and say that you will now spend 3 nights in separate beds to enable you to catch up the sleep

Sorry, that was my modified form of MrsTP's excellent advice

I agree with PPs that separate bedrooms are the only option at the moment. I realise you don't want this but you do need sleep.

Btw your sleeping troubles have reminded me of what I used to be like before I started taking magnesium glycinate in the evenings. I sleep much more soundly these days and fall asleep more quickly. You may have tried this though and I appreciate it doesn't work for everyone.

Separate bedrooms?

Separate rooms at least a few nights a week.

Lack of sleep is highly detrimental to your health so you have to take action as there isn't a magic solution to change him.

I am a very light sleeper and have trouble falling asleep. It is part of my having ASD. DH has great sympathy and does his best, but he is a human being with his own needs and sometimes that does me he ends up waking me.

we slept separately when dc was little and I was dealing with the worst of the exhaustion. It was the only way for me to get enough rest.

it is such a short phase of life and soon enough you will find the night waking and the crazy early mornings end. There will be other demands and you will be aging, but it won’t be as tiring and moving back into the same room will likely work at that point.

You already have a comfortable bed in another room - 100% this is your solution.

Ask him to provide solutions to him feeling sad about you two not sleeping in the same bed. Make it very clear you have moved rooms as a result of his continued doing the things that disturb and upset you. Make time to snuggle and for intimacy in other ways.

Seek help for your sleep. Personally I don't think 6 hours is that bad. I rarely get that
Separate bedrooms ... end of relationship I reckon.

I sleep like you OP. I rarely go to sleep before 2.30am. I get up between 6-7am. I often wake once or twice in that time and take my time to get back to sleep. Often wake before the alarm.

If left to my own devices in a peaceful place with no interruptions or noises and lights I can sleep for ten hours. My body likes that.

But, my OH snores, like a warthog. And my DC didn’t sleep for years. A car passing by will wake me up. A dog barking will wake me up. People talking in the street, I’ll be awake. An early sunrise will wake me up. The TV on on a completely different floor of the house will wake me up.

I can’t have separate rooms, even though there is a spare room, because there is no room in the house I can’t hear the snoring from. The spare room is worse, because I can kick or prod him to roll over.

I have to wait until the early hours to go to bed because there’s no point me going to bed if there is any chance of noises or activity inside the house or outside the windows.

I’ve never been able to nap in the day and cannot sleep if I’m not in a bed, laid down, in the dark, with silence.

I usually manage 3-4 hours total and I have no idea what to do about that, I’ve only got that much since the kids started to sleep better, before that it was less and I was hallucinating and couldn’t think. At least on what I get now I can hold down a job and drive a car and manage a house and a life. But I spend most nights fantasising about a hermetically sealed sleep pod installation in the corner of the room.

We’re the same except I’m the heavy sleeper who can drop off the minute I’m horizontal. I always sleep through DH’s alarm and he’s often awake and in the shower before it goes off.

if I come to bed later I change in the hall, and use my phone light to get into bed. If I have a cough or some other reason to be restless I sleep on the sofa.

it’s not even a question, I have allergies so we don’t have what I’m allergic to in the house. You work together or what’s the point.

Separate rooms, I highly recommend it. My husband is very like yours, can't shut his eyes and just go to sleep immediately where I'm like you, the slightest sound wakes me if I've managed to fall asleep in the first place. I also have fibromyalgia which plays havoc with sleep and husband snored loudly so I moved to the spare room years ago and I absolutely love it. It was an absolute relief to get into bed and not hear anything, to be able to relax and not be tense because you just know there will be noise!! Now if I could only teach him to leave in the mornings without sounding like a hard of elephants. When I go out earlier than him I lay my clothes out, bag, laptop etc left by front door, I leave so quietly he doesn't even know I'm gone, he just can't seem to do the same.

Oh my, I so understand your struggles!
I moved from the city to a rural area, hoping I'd sleep better without the cars and loud people in the streets.
Now I wake up when I hear an owl at night. I'm awake every morning when the birds start singing. I once woke up because a fly flew against my window... Still happy I moved though

Tell him he has three options.

1. separate rooms
2. he comes to bed at the same time as you and doesn’t wake you up
3. divorce

His choice.

You poor thing! Have you tried white or brown noise? It drowns out most things!

You need separate rooms. I couldn’t live with you. Dh and I have very different sleep schedules and always have. Nobody creeps around.

Separate bedrooms makes the most sense here. But if you dont want to do that, perhaps every time he comes to bed and makes a racket and wakes you up, you get up and go and sleep in the spare room. Then he'll learn that if he wants you to stay in the same bed as him, he needs to be more considerate. Kind of like training a child using consequences, lol.