My husband will not respect my need for sleep. Help!

[Girlmom35]

So, I'll start off by saying I'm a light sleeper. Always have been. I remember laying awake for hours as a kid. I have trouble falling asleep. The slightest noise wakes me up and once I'm awake, I don't fall asleep again easily. And most mornings, no matter how tired I am, I'll be awake 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. I've learned to live with little sleep, especially since motherhood. Although motherhood has helped in a way, because I'm so tired now that I do actually fall asleep faster.

My husband will fall asleep in an instant, and not wake up unless something big happens. He sleeps well and deeply and will sometimes sleep through the alarm or needs to be waken up multiple times. I envy him. He also has some autistic traits, like empathy being difficult for him. Unless he experiences something himself, he will have trouble understanding how someone else feels. This is where I need help. I have tried to talk to him every way that I can about needing more uninterrupted sleep, but he keeps not taking it seriously.

Every night it's something.
I will say that I'm heading off to bed and ask if he'll come too. Because if he walks in an hour later, he will do something stupid like turn all the bedroom lights on, or drop something on the floor. He doesn't get that if I wake up, it will take me an hour to fall asleep again. He will say he's right behind me, but then get distracted and come to bed late, when I specifically asked him not to.
Or he will come to bed with me, but decide he wants to fiddle on his phone before going to sleep. And I just know that at some point he'll open an app with sound and wake me up when I've just fallen asleep. This is despite me asking him repeatedly to check whether his phone sound is off before going to bed. Or he'll open a can of soda in the middle of the night.

I just can't take it anymore. Every night I beg him to please let me sleep. To be careful not to drop anything, not to play videos with sound on. And every single night he ends up costing me at least an hour of sleep. He apologizes, but then he expects me to just turn around and go back to sleep. I can't. I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep and I'm exhausted.

Why do I not go to bed earlier? If I go to bed too early, I just end up laying awake. I wish I could. I need to be really tired before I can fall asleep.
Why I don't use earplugs? I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and I'm not comfortable not being able to hear them in case they wake up crying from a bad dream, or if they get sick.
We have a guest bedroom with a very comfy bed. I know I might have to resort to sleeping there if this doesn't get better. I've asked my husband to go sleep there if he comes to bed late, and he will do that when I specifically ask him to. But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me. And honestly I would really prefer to sleep next to my husband as well.

And please don't set the MN maffia on me to tell me I need to leave my husband. He's a good husband and father in most other areas. We all have our flaws. I'm asking for advice on how I can get through to him so I can sleep next to the man I love and still get more than 6 hours of sleep every night.

You say ear plugs will mean you won't hear the kids if they cry. How often do they wake up now? At that age, if they wake up, they'll come to your bedroom.

Or you can put them on when you go to bed and if you wake up in the middle of the night, once your husband has settled in bed, then remove them.

my partner does exactly the same, if I go to bed early because I’m tired….he comes to bed - but puts tv on.
he snores, he wants to cuddle, he’s up traipsing around at whatever hour.
we’ve had plenty of conversations about it. I don’t have an answer for you as I’m at struggling with the same. If I go to the spare room I get the guilt trip.
essentially I lose my shit every two weeks and end up in the spare from and the cycle starts again

I would feel your pain as I've been a light sleeper most of my life. Can't stand snoring, take ages to fall asleep. Just as well I'm single really, though I often sleep with my dog, who will go where I tell him to, doesn't take up excessive room, and doesn't snore lol - unlike the last 2 guys I dated.
I get that separate rooms will have an affect on connection, it is a slippery slope to go down. Would twin beds help maybe? Ones you can zip together. Less chance of getting woken up by bouncing around as he gets in bed - the turning the light on, you are just going to have to train him up on. The phone, well either he abides by not using it at bedtime, or he uses earbuds, that way if an app opens the sound is contained.
Do all you can to minimise the disruptions. If he won't comply, I'd resort to taking the light bulb out as a reminder - sidelamp your side so you have control, or subdued lighting for you to sleep to which he can turn off when he gets in.
Do what you can before resorting to separate beds.

Definitely separate rooms.

Go to bed early, try white noise or ear plugs. Create a sleep environment that is conducive for you.

And occasionally he should take the dcs away for a night, to family or friends and leave you to sleep uninterrupted.

Your dh misses you when you're not sleeping in the same bed due to his own actions, and you give in and go back to sleeping together. so nothing changes. He has no incentive to change because he knows after a few days normal service will resume. I think you need to go a whole fortnight in the spare room, then maybe he will actually change his behaviours. There's no way I would prioritise someone else's need for togetherness over my need for sleep. Sleep is just too important. If you don't value your sleep, there's no way he will.

My DH is a prolific snorer, I have insomnia, to the point I am taking prescribed medication from my GP for long term use. Without them, I can go 2 nights easily with no sleep.

We now sleep in separate rooms, have done for at least 4 years. He will come in to my bed on a weekend morning for a cuddle, we still have intimacy, we just have to make more of an effort. He isn’t happy with the situation, but understands that sleeping in the same bed, means I get little to no sleep, and keep nudging him to turn over etc also disturbs his sleep.

Your situation sounds resolvable, it just requires a little more consideration from your DH. I would try explaining this to him, away from the bedroom when you’re not angry. If he is unable to make these very small changes, then turn that guest room into your own bedroom, ignoring how sad he gets.

OP, I sincerely don't mean this horribly, but I am actually surprised by the tone of most of the reactions (critical of your husband).

I think your rules are incredibly stringent, and that most people would find them very hard to follow. I certainly could not.

It sounds as if you more or less insist your husband goes to bed when YOU want to, and that once in bed he more or less has to lie there inbthe dark quite still so as not to disturb you. Yes, some of your requests like not playing a loud video are of course reasonable, but not opening a can of drink, for example, because you are sleeping, seems like a VERY strict requirement to me.

You ask people not to suggest you LTB (and yes I can see you are a nice person and you love him etc - you aren't intending to be mean or restrictive or anything) but honestly, in his position I would be somewhat tempted to leave you, not the other way round! It must be incredibly stifling to live like this, especially the fact that he seemingly can't easily choose his own bed time......

I don't think you mean to be restrictive. But I have lived with quite a few different people over the years and seriously, your "rules" for his sleeping are unusual, and I don't think many adults would be happy to follow them ....

You do need separate rooms if you can't compromise on this (and perhaps you honestly can't). But I do think it's mostly your issue, so you should be the one moving out to the spare room really.

Sex ane cuddles are still really important in helping nobody feels lonely/abandoned if you do this. Good luck!

Separate rooms is as obvious and easy solution. If he's sad about it then oh well, life (and marriage) requires sacrifice.

Separate rooms seems like the best solution.

Quirw surprised that a can of drink wouldn't wake some people up, it would definitely wake me up if someone opened one right next to me in the middle of the night!

OMG I feel for you! Fortunately for me, there are two solid brick walls between my bedroom and DH's. We've slept in separate rooms for 26 years, since I was pregnant with DC2! We did have a DC3!

I've gone with DH on work trips and have wanted to actually kill him because of the noise he makes!! I went to Paris with him earlier this year and hardly slept a wink!

Who the hell opens cans of drink in bed in the middle of the night?

OP, if he's turning lights on and playing noisy things in his phone (and opening cans) then the best possible interpretation is that he is giving no thought at all to you or your needs. And I certainly would have to give serious consideration to it being deliberate sabotage.

My DP is a lark, I am an owl. If I come to bed after he's asleep I don't turn on the light, and I do nothing in the bedroom except change as quietly as possible and climb carefully into bed. If he gets up while I'm still asleep he doesn't turn on the light, open the curtains or bang around opening cupboards and drawers - he leaves the room quietly and dresses in the bathroom. Because we respect each other's needs.

You don't have to keep the same schedule. But you both have to behave with consideration and respect - otherwise what sort of partnership is it?

Book yourself in for some clinical hypnotherapy sessions ( apologies as I mentioned this earlier in another thread) for your lack of sleep, they’ll give you recordings to listen to at bedtime that will help you massively…. It definitely

Helps *

Do you work, and/or are your children in daycare? Are naps an option? I don’t get enough sleep due to a very early start for one DC who has a long commute to school (I’m up at 5.45). I work 80% hours, and one day a week I go back to bed, depending on my work schedule, and catch up on 2-3 hours. Just suggesting this as another way to skin the cat.

Maybe some joint counseling would help your husband empathize more with your need for sleep. I can't imagine how hard it would be to suffer from insomnia and to have your spouse undermine your sleep. It sounds like you could use a third party to intervene and get him to take your situation seriously. Also, in my experience, wearing earplugs could definitely keep you from hearing the kids if they called out.

I think your rules are incredibly stringent

Not switching all the lights on or opening cans? Stringent?

Make the spare room up to be extra comfortable and fresh. When he comes in and turns on the light or whatever just move in there, then again when he does it the next time and on the 3rd time just go straight to bed in there. When he starts his little tanty about how sad he is just remind him he obviously isn’t too sad because he caused it.

I'm for separate bedrooms. You can always have some nights of the week where you sleep together.
I had to do this because my ex snored and had restless leg syndrome. He resented it, but it was essential for my health. I'm insomniac and he was making it worse. Put your health first.

I haven’t slept in the same room as my partner since I was pregnant five years ago! We don’t need to sleep in the same room for our relationship to work. In fact it’s the opposite, if I was still being kept awake every night by the world’s loudest nose, I’m sure our relationship would be on its last legs by now.

If he has to feel pain himself to understand or register things, then I'd make it a bit painful for him. Removing yourself from the room is a good place to start, and when he's sad, remind him that there are solutions to that. If he's not in bed by X o'clock (or if he makes noises), you go straight to the spare bed (or send him there).

But if earplugs would work for you (I hate the way they feel, personally) and the only reason you hesitate to use them is the children, I'd consider trying them. As pp have said, you can still hear enough to wake, probably, or your husband will hear them and let you know.

You feeling refreshed and able to cope is much more important then him feeling a bit sad because he can’t be arsed to manage his own behaviour.

I think your rules are incredibly stringent, and that most people would find them very hard to follow. I certainly could not.

Not turning on the lights, not using apps that make a noise and not opening a can of fizzy drink in the middle of the night?

You think these are stringent rules?! And that 'mode people' would find them very hard?

Come on now...

This is in response to @Ilovelurchers

I’d tell him to automatically sleep in the spare room each night unless he opts not to turn light or phone on. Also the second he turns his phone or light on id ask him to leave so the consequences is immediate.

We sleep in separate rooms for similar reasons (although we tell everyone it’s because he snores). I always go to bed earlier and although I wouldn’t wake up when he came to bed, he would frequently then try to cuddle me while I was asleep so I’d push him away, he would then go straight back to sleep and I’d be left awake for the rest of the night.

It came to a head during lockdown when I was having to work late at night (because of lack of childcare during the day) and get up early with the kids so every second in bed was precious and he would wake me up at 3am every day.

Now he sleeps permanently in the spare room because he apparently feels lonely sleeping in the same bed but not being allowed to touch me so would rather not be tormented. Personally I think he’s being childish and just needs to respect that I can’t fall back to sleep easily so he should not deliberately wake me up (particularly when his “benefit” that I’m depriving him of is only a ten second cuddle).

I was annoyed for a while, but the personal space of our own bedrooms is actually quite nice.