My husband will not respect my need for sleep. Help!

[Girlmom35]

So, I'll start off by saying I'm a light sleeper. Always have been. I remember laying awake for hours as a kid. I have trouble falling asleep. The slightest noise wakes me up and once I'm awake, I don't fall asleep again easily. And most mornings, no matter how tired I am, I'll be awake 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. I've learned to live with little sleep, especially since motherhood. Although motherhood has helped in a way, because I'm so tired now that I do actually fall asleep faster.

My husband will fall asleep in an instant, and not wake up unless something big happens. He sleeps well and deeply and will sometimes sleep through the alarm or needs to be waken up multiple times. I envy him. He also has some autistic traits, like empathy being difficult for him. Unless he experiences something himself, he will have trouble understanding how someone else feels. This is where I need help. I have tried to talk to him every way that I can about needing more uninterrupted sleep, but he keeps not taking it seriously.

Every night it's something.
I will say that I'm heading off to bed and ask if he'll come too. Because if he walks in an hour later, he will do something stupid like turn all the bedroom lights on, or drop something on the floor. He doesn't get that if I wake up, it will take me an hour to fall asleep again. He will say he's right behind me, but then get distracted and come to bed late, when I specifically asked him not to.
Or he will come to bed with me, but decide he wants to fiddle on his phone before going to sleep. And I just know that at some point he'll open an app with sound and wake me up when I've just fallen asleep. This is despite me asking him repeatedly to check whether his phone sound is off before going to bed. Or he'll open a can of soda in the middle of the night.

I just can't take it anymore. Every night I beg him to please let me sleep. To be careful not to drop anything, not to play videos with sound on. And every single night he ends up costing me at least an hour of sleep. He apologizes, but then he expects me to just turn around and go back to sleep. I can't. I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep and I'm exhausted.

Why do I not go to bed earlier? If I go to bed too early, I just end up laying awake. I wish I could. I need to be really tired before I can fall asleep.
Why I don't use earplugs? I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and I'm not comfortable not being able to hear them in case they wake up crying from a bad dream, or if they get sick.
We have a guest bedroom with a very comfy bed. I know I might have to resort to sleeping there if this doesn't get better. I've asked my husband to go sleep there if he comes to bed late, and he will do that when I specifically ask him to. But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me. And honestly I would really prefer to sleep next to my husband as well.

And please don't set the MN maffia on me to tell me I need to leave my husband. He's a good husband and father in most other areas. We all have our flaws. I'm asking for advice on how I can get through to him so I can sleep next to the man I love and still get more than 6 hours of sleep every night.

Yes, this!

Hope you get things resolved soon, there's nothing worse than lack of sleep.

Also have you tried a sleep mask?

This.

If he genuinely can't help himself behave in a way that won't fuck up your sleep, which is the kindest interpretation here, he needs to understand that there are consequences to this. Maybe they're nobody's fault, I dunno, but either way the situation is such that it's your rest v him feeling sad. A reasonable human being would understand that your rest wins.

The solution is staring you in the face but you are resisting it.

You have a spare room - use it! You can still spend your waking hours with your husband. You can still sleep together some nights. You can still go into him for cuddles in the mornings. You can still have sex. (how often are you having wonderful, spontaneous, middle of the night sex now?) You won’t be tired and resentful and cross which can only be a good thing.

Wear earplugs. Your children aren’t babies. You can’t be sleep deprived night after night because a 7yo might lose her water bottle. Tell the children that mummy needs to wear earplugs to get enough sleep and sleep is very important. If they need you in an emergency then they must shout out or come and get you or daddy. They will learn that quiet whimpering may not get a response but I’m not sure that is wholly bad tbh.

I would hate to go to bed when dh decided it was bedtime but equally playing games on a phone next to someone trying to sleep and turning on lights is very antisocial. I can’t get my head around drinking carbonated drinks in the middle of the night.

Sleep is very important. All fixable, you sleep in the other room, if he pulls the stupid 'sad card' he can no do the silly things he dies one night, and come to bed with you, simples!

Have you tried loop earplugs? Ive been looking into them as they make a pair specifically for sleep but are made so you can still hear things like children crying.

You need to wear ear plugs. You’ll still hear your children if they need you. You can’t say he wakes you by being noisy but not take steps to rectify it. Or sleep in the spare room (or make him sleep in there).

Of course don't leave your husband, it would not be a wise choice if he is so great.
If I may, though, I doubt these "autistic traits".
He seems to behave like a self centered brat, who finds it difficult and bothersome even to listen.
Good luck!

Put a note on the bedroom door saying: if you are late go to the spare room! So if he comes up with you great but if he gets distracted all is fine as he heads off to the spare room. Remembering the note is there might encourage him to come up but if not it's fine as he knows what to do.

I would hate to go to bed when dh decided it was bedtime but equally playing games on a phone next to someone trying to sleep and turning on lights is very antisocial. I can’t get my head around drinking carbonated drinks in the middle of the night.

Well yes!

But isn't Op's suggestion that he goes to bed with her solely because he "misses her"?

Otherwise just go to bed when you want!

My partner has selfish sleep habits that disturb me so we sleep in seperate beds. If he tries to guilt me about it I remind him that he can be less selfish and we can sleep together again . He doesn’t want to be less selfish.

I’m a really light sleeper and I use ear plugs and white noise.

But if you don’t want to I would kick him into the spare room for a few nights and when he “gets sad and misses you” I would let him back into the bedroom under the agreement he doesn’t do anything like open a noisy app or turn the lights on and wake you up. Any of these and he’s straight back in the spare room.

There are types of earphones designed for people that struggle with sensory issues from noise, they reduce but don't block sound completely. I don't know if they'd be any better.

For his behaviour Id suggest some natural consequences. If he wakes you one night the next night you sleep in the guest room. You might find making his actions have a direct impact on him will make him focus on his behaviour and make him be more careful. At worst if you did this and nothing changes you'd still get regular nights where he doesn't disturb you and you can sleep more.

Have you tried a weighted blanket? I sleep much better. Also Epson salts baths and mag glyc. I think you may be looking at him for the sole reason but actually it could also be that you have become more sensitive, and you are fixated that he is the cause.

I'm princess and the pea with my sleep these days.

Glad you have moved to the spare room.

Just a thought because you mentioned about the earplugs helping. DH and I found when kids were little the one parent being on duty made a massive difference to the other's sleep. I've always been a light sleeper except I could sleep through anything on nights dH was in charge of the 5am waking baby! If you can really trust that your busband will deal with the kids and keep them safe - really convinced your subconscious of this - then I found my brain switches into a different mode, a catch up mode like you describe with earplugs. If you can somehow change things at home so that you can really convince your subconscious/gut that they'll be ok with their dad in charge some nights, it might open up better nights with earplugs. Maybe baby monitor plugged in loud near his head etc.

But isn't Op's suggestion that he goes to bed with her solely because he "misses her"?

Otherwise just go to bed when you want!

I don’t think so. I think she wants him to go up with her, get into bed and go to sleep so he doesn’t wake her up an hour later by coming to bed and turn the lights on or dropping things on the floor. If he goes to bed when he wants he wakes her up. That might be his fault for being an oaf but the OP is woken up by owls so it’s possible the most considerate and graceful of men would wake her up and him being an oaf is incidental.

“I will say that I'm heading off to bed and ask if he'll come too. Because if he walks in an hour later, he will do something stupid like turn all the bedroom lights on, or drop something on the floor.”

Separate rooms, no matter what he says about missing you. I do have some sympathy for him however, in needing to either go to bed earlier than he wants to or tiptoe around the bedroom for fear of waking you.

I sympathise. I spent over 25 years struggling to sleep in the same bed as my husband. Our body clocks are completely different. I like an open window, he prefers it hermetically sealed. I run hot at night while he wants a winter weight duvet in the height of summer. All this added to his night terrors, snoring and morning flatulence meant a good nights sleep was an unknown to me.

finally I snapped and one night I slept in the spare room. That was 5 years ago and what was once the spare room is now 'my' room. The bedcovers are lightweight, the windows are open year round. I can go to bed at 10 and be up at 7 without us disturbing and another.

Best of all, our relationship has improved. It's always been good but I had underestimated how much I resented the constant bad nights and blamed him for them. Now I sleep well I'm so much happier and relaxed.

I feel similar, I thought the OP would be getting about 2 hours a night or something! I’m a terrible sleeper and six hours is a good night for me but I’ve never asked anyone else to change their behaviour, it’s my issue. You’d hear your kids through earplugs if you are that light a sleeper.

People will criticise the following as it is petty,but I had this with my husband and he didn't get it/forgot.

On one occasion of being woken up I explained irritably that going forward if he did if again I'd be keeping him awake.

I stayed true to my word. The next time I was woken up, once he settled down and fell asleep (immediately) I prodded him awake. And again and again etc until I could feel I was dropping off.

He wasn't amused (mad in fact) but couldn't say much. Since then I've not had any problems. He creeps into the bedroom like a ninja without waking me up!

No advice @Girlmom35 I just wanted to say I could have written your post word for word. It drives me crazy. When DD goes off to university I fully intend to move into her room.

You have totally different sleep styles so I think you need to sleep separately. Your sleep style doesn’t work for him and his doesn’t work for you.

Have you tried white noise at all? A constant low hum might mean that other noises are less likely to wake you

I’m assuming you’re American (soda etc) so have you tried melatonin, which I understand can be bought over the counter in America?

You have different needs. Neither of you are wrong but you are trying to control him to manage your symptoms- his pattern is different to yours and it’s as difficult for him to comply with your requests as it would be for you to do what he wants. Separate rooms for sleep, earplugs, etc. are the way forward.

Separate bedrooms are the logical solution as you are incompatible when it comes to sleeping!

It's not a big deal. As you say, You can always get in with him if you wake early (refreshed from a decent sleep) and share his bed now and then.