My husband will not respect my need for sleep. Help!

[Girlmom35]

So, I'll start off by saying I'm a light sleeper. Always have been. I remember laying awake for hours as a kid. I have trouble falling asleep. The slightest noise wakes me up and once I'm awake, I don't fall asleep again easily. And most mornings, no matter how tired I am, I'll be awake 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. I've learned to live with little sleep, especially since motherhood. Although motherhood has helped in a way, because I'm so tired now that I do actually fall asleep faster.

My husband will fall asleep in an instant, and not wake up unless something big happens. He sleeps well and deeply and will sometimes sleep through the alarm or needs to be waken up multiple times. I envy him. He also has some autistic traits, like empathy being difficult for him. Unless he experiences something himself, he will have trouble understanding how someone else feels. This is where I need help. I have tried to talk to him every way that I can about needing more uninterrupted sleep, but he keeps not taking it seriously.

Every night it's something.
I will say that I'm heading off to bed and ask if he'll come too. Because if he walks in an hour later, he will do something stupid like turn all the bedroom lights on, or drop something on the floor. He doesn't get that if I wake up, it will take me an hour to fall asleep again. He will say he's right behind me, but then get distracted and come to bed late, when I specifically asked him not to.
Or he will come to bed with me, but decide he wants to fiddle on his phone before going to sleep. And I just know that at some point he'll open an app with sound and wake me up when I've just fallen asleep. This is despite me asking him repeatedly to check whether his phone sound is off before going to bed. Or he'll open a can of soda in the middle of the night.

I just can't take it anymore. Every night I beg him to please let me sleep. To be careful not to drop anything, not to play videos with sound on. And every single night he ends up costing me at least an hour of sleep. He apologizes, but then he expects me to just turn around and go back to sleep. I can't. I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep and I'm exhausted.

Why do I not go to bed earlier? If I go to bed too early, I just end up laying awake. I wish I could. I need to be really tired before I can fall asleep.
Why I don't use earplugs? I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and I'm not comfortable not being able to hear them in case they wake up crying from a bad dream, or if they get sick.
We have a guest bedroom with a very comfy bed. I know I might have to resort to sleeping there if this doesn't get better. I've asked my husband to go sleep there if he comes to bed late, and he will do that when I specifically ask him to. But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me. And honestly I would really prefer to sleep next to my husband as well.

And please don't set the MN maffia on me to tell me I need to leave my husband. He's a good husband and father in most other areas. We all have our flaws. I'm asking for advice on how I can get through to him so I can sleep next to the man I love and still get more than 6 hours of sleep every night.

Aaand here we go with the posters who haven't rtft...

@Girlmom35 I can’t understand the problem with separate rooms except sharing is over normalised on tv and media?
It’s perfectly normal and reasonable in your situation. However I’d suggest that you trial that when hub doesn’t literally walk up the stairs with you he stays in the spare room.

It’s then kind of his choice for now. See if this helps enough. If not just separate rooms who cares you don’t know anything about it when you’re asleep!

Nobody's saying you should give up your sleep. Your needs are totally reasonable - but so are your husband's. In your situation, I think separate bedrooms for at least most nights of the week are the obvious and natural solution, and shouldn't be seen as a cause for sadness. That's the bit you need to work on with your DH imo.

My husband is the same he either comes to bed after me, goes to bed first and is snoring before I can fall asleep or/and gets up an hour or two earlier than me 5am! For work. I sleep on a fold out mattress on the floor of our youngest 2s bedroom.
have done for a year and a half. I love it when he has to go away for a few nights! 😂 we are extending our house but I think I need to chance the plans to make an extra bedroom for me 🙄 or create him a cellar 😂 I feel your pain. Your kids sound old enough to come find you so I’d use earphones if you won’t leave the bed.

You could try loop ear plugs.

Even the ones for sleeping don't block out enough noise for me to block out snoring but I think it would help with the owls etc whilst you would hear the DC

Because I'm such a bad sleeper I trained the DC to come to me in the night because physically getting out of bed woke me up so much more.

Once a week perhaps your DH could sleep in with the youngest and you have proper ear plugs in and get your 10 hours.

We both prefer separate rooms, both sleep better and I'm nicer to live with when I'm sleeping better 😂

Same here! We sleep separately now and have sleepovers when we want to have a bonk! Can’t imagine going back now. We both love the space and it’s amazing to starfish!

I use ear plugs as I'm a light sleeper as well. I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old. I still hear them fine, but I also wouldn't hesitate to use the spare room. Even if it's a couple nights a week, just to catch yourself up. Sleep is a must for your own sanity, if he's not getting that, you need to take control and focus on yourself. Good luck!

I'm sorry you suffer with insomnia - it's the pits.

But that isn't your DHs fault. It's not his responsibility to adjust his want to stay up to meet your want for him to go to bed when you demand.

You'll have to put yourself to sleep in the guest room. You need to adjust your sleeping to meet your own needs. Maybe invest in some black our blinds for it and try something like a white noise machine.

He needs to respect why you're taking yourself off to sleep separately and deal with it.

OP, I so empathise with all of this. I'm a light sleeper too. My husband is a heavy snorer and I can't sleep with him anymore. He just didn't really get it at all, that the skirting would wake me and then keep me awake. I used to have to sleep with one of my kids in a single bed when they were small, just to get some sleep. Then we moved somewhere else and I insisted on a spare room.

It's been difficult on our marriage as I'm now so used to my own bed that I can't share, which means if we go away like for our anniversary, I have to sleep in the bath which isn't comfy but it's better than being right next to the snoring. I do get much better sleep than I used to though. My kids are much older now.

I think the guest room is your only recourse (as you've decided). But I really hope your husband misses you enough to do something about his behaviour. It's not ideal to sleep apart but if he just won't get it then that's what you have to do for your sleep and sanity.

yes it was opening the cans of soda that made me go WTAF? Who drinks canned soda in the middle of the night anyway? For one thing its death on your teeth.

My DH and I pretty much have spent the whole time we’ve been together in separate rooms for this reason.
Im a heavy sleeper and he’s a very light sleeper.

Like you, he can’t get back to sleep for ages if woken during the night. We both snore very loudly too so it works for us.

You explain his actions as stemming from lack of empathy due to possible autistic tendencies. I'm not entirely sure he's not just bloody selfish.

Anyway separate rooms is definitely the way to go.

I have sleep issues too , separate rooms is a good solution, can't he see you are exhausted and respect you need a decent night's sleep

Re the earplugs I would also give yourself a night or two a week at the weekend where you wear them, leave your husband in charge of dealing with wake ups and just catch up.

Re your smallest child, is there anything that can be done to mean she doesn't lose the toys that are vanishing - i.e. are they disappearing down a gap in between the bed and the wall or similar? If you could get that down to one wake up every couple of weeks it feels like that would help as well.

Separate rooms asap

also who takes cans of soda to bed!?!

I don’t think your DH is totally in the wrong here, you are an extremely light sleeper who has trouble falling asleep. You can’t blame him for that. Living with you would drive me equally as mad.

you need to sleep separately, at least 3-4 times a week so you can sleep

I sympathise. My DH has to sleep in a seperate room now due to snoring. But my son is in the room next door and if I've told him once it's been a million times, just unplug alexa at the power when you go to bed but no, every night after I've gone to sleep alexa makes a loud noise. He's like an elephant going to the bathroom before bed and is just incapable of being quiet. He is ND and also doesn't get it. Thinks I'm just wanting to moan at him. On top of that we often have people walk past loudly talking, cats fighting or someone slamming a car door etc very late or early in the morning. So I don't even feel like I can sleep with the window open. I can't wear earplugs due to an ear problem so I'm also at a loss. A big noisy fan helps though. Constant noise I can live with.
I hope you find something that works. I know how miserable it is and how it feels to have disturbed sleep.

Have you tried earplugs and a sleep mask?

You have a spare room?! Just sleep in there ffs.

I’m a light sleeper and I can’t sleep if there’s any noise in the room, including the sound cars outside or of my husband breathing. I use ear plugs because they help block out the more quiet noises that keep me awake. They do nothing for louder noises, and I’ve never not heard my son when he wakes up crying.

Ask your doctor for some melatonin? And I can't live without my earplugs!

Sorry but it still doesn't make sense to me.
It's important not to let one's own restrictions overly negatively impact one's partner or others on general. Your approach sounds completely self-centered to me still.

Your reasons for not using ear plugs are just not really logical - they sound like they could easily he overcome. I honestly think that your expectations are really unreasonable.

I wouldn't want to have to go to bed at your chosen time and then remain silent every night.

Turning on lights or playing music on his phone that he knows will wake you up is selfish.

He sounds childish with this missing you thing.

I'm a very light, poor sleeper and I use ear plugs. I find it hard to go to sleep and once I'm awake that's it.

You need to go into the spare bedroom.

Ignore anyone trying to shame you for this OP. I endured the same for years getting more and more exhausted. You deserve to get decent sleep. Separate rooms is the way forward.