My husband will not respect my need for sleep. Help!

[Girlmom35]

So, I'll start off by saying I'm a light sleeper. Always have been. I remember laying awake for hours as a kid. I have trouble falling asleep. The slightest noise wakes me up and once I'm awake, I don't fall asleep again easily. And most mornings, no matter how tired I am, I'll be awake 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. I've learned to live with little sleep, especially since motherhood. Although motherhood has helped in a way, because I'm so tired now that I do actually fall asleep faster.

My husband will fall asleep in an instant, and not wake up unless something big happens. He sleeps well and deeply and will sometimes sleep through the alarm or needs to be waken up multiple times. I envy him. He also has some autistic traits, like empathy being difficult for him. Unless he experiences something himself, he will have trouble understanding how someone else feels. This is where I need help. I have tried to talk to him every way that I can about needing more uninterrupted sleep, but he keeps not taking it seriously.

Every night it's something.
I will say that I'm heading off to bed and ask if he'll come too. Because if he walks in an hour later, he will do something stupid like turn all the bedroom lights on, or drop something on the floor. He doesn't get that if I wake up, it will take me an hour to fall asleep again. He will say he's right behind me, but then get distracted and come to bed late, when I specifically asked him not to.
Or he will come to bed with me, but decide he wants to fiddle on his phone before going to sleep. And I just know that at some point he'll open an app with sound and wake me up when I've just fallen asleep. This is despite me asking him repeatedly to check whether his phone sound is off before going to bed. Or he'll open a can of soda in the middle of the night.

I just can't take it anymore. Every night I beg him to please let me sleep. To be careful not to drop anything, not to play videos with sound on. And every single night he ends up costing me at least an hour of sleep. He apologizes, but then he expects me to just turn around and go back to sleep. I can't. I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep and I'm exhausted.

Why do I not go to bed earlier? If I go to bed too early, I just end up laying awake. I wish I could. I need to be really tired before I can fall asleep.
Why I don't use earplugs? I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and I'm not comfortable not being able to hear them in case they wake up crying from a bad dream, or if they get sick.
We have a guest bedroom with a very comfy bed. I know I might have to resort to sleeping there if this doesn't get better. I've asked my husband to go sleep there if he comes to bed late, and he will do that when I specifically ask him to. But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me. And honestly I would really prefer to sleep next to my husband as well.

And please don't set the MN maffia on me to tell me I need to leave my husband. He's a good husband and father in most other areas. We all have our flaws. I'm asking for advice on how I can get through to him so I can sleep next to the man I love and still get more than 6 hours of sleep every night.

Obviously, you are as unable to empathize with her being a light sleeper as her husband is. These aren't "rules." They are legitimate needs. He, otoh, does not need to open drinks in the bed and turn all the lights all while she's sleeping.
Saying she deserves to be left because she is a light sleeper is nasty and ridiculous. You're not helping by making remarks like that.
Develop some empathy, FFS.

Separate rooms
Saved our relationship

This must be somebody who is a deep sleeper and does not have issues with insomnia. This person needs to exercise some imagination to try to understand what she is going through.

I sleep with loop earplugs and white noise. I still hear my baby and toddler when they wake, but it takes more to disturb me.

If that doesn't help, use the spare room.

Another vote for separate rooms. It’s great. Doctor might also be able to help with a sleep clinic referral just in case anything else causing this.

Use ear plugs and invest in a super king-sized bed.
I'm a very light sleeper.
I have a 4mo abd two other primary aged children too..
But I wear silicone earplugs to sleep. I still wake up if any of my kids cry. However I find the earplugs prevent ne from waking up due to smaller noises like my husband coming to bed etc..
The bigger bed has worked wonders too as I'm less likely to be nudged by him or feel the movement of him getting into bed.
I'd really try out earplugs if I were you.

My husband was autistic as well and we had the exact same problem! The only thing that works is visual reminders. You can make a sign on the door that says: Please remember: No phones in the room. Do NOT turn the lights on. Go straight to bed and do not drop things. If you need to do these things, go to the guest room.

It may be that you are the one who has to go to the guest room, since you are the one who is dissatisfied. He is dealing with executive dysfunction: impulsivity (having games with noise), forgetting and turning on lights and dropping things. It's just not something he can probably change.

Best of luck. The struggle is real!

"We have a guest bedroom with a very comfy bed. I know I might have to resort to sleeping there if this doesn't get better. I've asked my husband to go sleep there if he comes to bed late, and he will do that when I specifically ask him to. But when we sleep apart for a few days he gets sad and says he misses me."

It's time to change the guest bedroom into YOUR bedroom. Seriously. Move yourself and your clothes etc. into that room and make it yours. You and your husband have incompatible sleep-styles, and it it making you ill. And you being made ill is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than any sadness he may feel. And frankly - consequences. You wouldn't need to have your own bedroom if he were more considerate of your needs. And they are needs, so start treating them as such and prioritise your sleep over his inability to empathise. You said "Every night I beg him to please let me sleep" - well clearly begging doesn't work, does it?

By all means emphasise to him that you are not moving to your own room to punish him, but to ensure you get a healthy amount of sleep. If he plays the 'sadness' card, play the 'don't you want me to to feel well and get enough sleep to keep me healthy' card right back at him. He isn't taking you seriously because you are not taking you seriously. In his eyes, there is a room you could sleep in undisturbed, and you consistently choose not to do so - so how can she mean it when she has a solution available and doesn't use it?

Take yourself seriously and claim the guest bedroom as your own.

(And as a complete aside - I'm posting at this ungodly hour because I'm a life-long insomniac having a 'bad week'. I frequently struggle to fall asleep, and I feel your pain. So I really really would prioritise getting that guest room up and running as your own.)

He sounds like a bloody teenager.

People need to stop with the oh but they are a bit autistic crap.
It's nothing to do with that . He is just being selfish and knows you won't actually do anything about it.
Noone needs to drink a can of pop in the night . They could easily choose water
Sleeping in separate rooms is the only answer.

Fabulous idea. Many couples have separate beds.

You can still go into the other bed on nights he is going to bed at the same time as you

1. Separate bedrooms

1. Earplugs

1. A proper, proper conversation about what being a light sleeper means. That it is not physically possible for you not to wake if he turns the lights on etc. He may not fully comprehend exactly how light a sleeper you are.

1. I'd say 6 hours a night is pretty normal for this stage of life, so also look at vitamins etc to generally boost yourself

I broadly agree with @Ilovelurchers and I'm also surprised at other responses. I would also find your rules incredibly restrictive. I think the can of fizzy drink is a distraction, because that is unusual, and otherwise maybe your DH is a tiny bit clumsier than other people, but in other ways he's behaving totally normally. Of course he wants to choose when he goes to bed, and what he does when he gets there. I go to bed far later than DH most nights, because I need less sleep and I often like to do some admin or watch TV after he's gone to bed. I would never expect him to stay up with me, just as he'd never expect me to go to bed early. Once I get to bed, I read my book with a lamp on for half an hour or so. I try to be quiet, but naturally I occasionally make a small amount of noise getting undressed or whatever.

Luckily, DH is a deep sleeper and it doesn't bother him. But if it did, then I'd sleep in the spare room without feeling at all resentful. We just have different sleep habits, it's nobody's 'fault'.

The idea outcome is that one of you sets up the spare room as their own and sleeps there most nights. How about you talk to your GP about the problem, then tell your husband that you medically need more sleep for your physical and mental health. You can use your GP as the excuse to make this change. Or consult a sleep clinic if you can find one. Good luck!!

Why?

I work full time and get the house to myself for 3 hours a week. I do end up napping then 😄

I think he's doing it deliberately. Albeit 'subconsciously' (if I'm being generous)
I don't buy the spectrum excuse.
I assume he's a fully functioning adult in most other respects? 🤨

Separate rooms for sleeping. As the ‘spare’ room is free tonight, start as you mean to go on.

Magnesium glycinate: good stuff.
I take it about 30 minutes before bedtime, it makes a considerable difference to restless leg & deepens the sleep I do get. I had to look around to find a glycinate version of Magnesium, I find Solar brand on discount at Holland & Barrett to be a regular quality supply.

@ScrambledSmegs can I please ask which magnesium glycinate tablets you take? And how long before you noticed a difference in your sleeping?

OP i'd definitely sleep in separate rooms for now.

I've used earplugs most of my adult life and they do work wonders. But it's almost freaky how deeply I fall asleep when I have them in. When I wear them, I actually become the total opposite. Nothing can wake me up. I've slept through parties, festivals, even riots (that's another story) with my earplugs in. So sadly, I won't wake up if there's anything wrong. It's like my brain gives me permission to catch up on sleep once I put them in. I will also miss my alarm clock and be late for work.

My youngest will wake up maybe once or twice a week, usually because she lost her water bottle in her bed or can't find her favorite stuffed animal. The oldest only once a month or so. But I have very well behaved kids who take the 'don''t come out of bed at night' rule very seriously and will stay in bed and cry, very quietly I might add.

"Catching up" on sleep from sheer exhaustion is an incredibly unhealthy practice that doesn't compensate for not getting enough sleep on a day-to-day basis. It's very different from having regular short naps in the daytime to recharge the brain.

Separate bedrooms is the answer. I snore, he can't roll over without a massive deal, I go to bed early, him late etc etc.

Thank you for all the replies that this post got overnight. Nice to know I wasn't the only one awake last night.

I took in and read all of the replies. Regarding earplugs, I replied earlier.
I did move into the guestroom last night and I'm planning on taking your advice. I will be prioritizing my health and my sleep from now on, because they outweigh 'sadness' on his end. I'm planning to have a number of fixed days a week where I sleep here. If (or when) I wake up early, I can always join him in our bed for a while. I loved the idea of having a visual checklist on the bedroom door for the remaining days. I'm going to make one more attempt at having a conversation with him about my sleep needs and really try to explain what I need from him. If he doesn't get it, I will be sleeping in the guestroom permanently from now on.
To be clear to the people who are more critical of me. I get that I may sound restrictive. You may have partners who sleep well, so you're both lucky you don't have to be considerate of their sleep quality. I don't choose to wake up at the smallest sound. I just do. And I've spent the past 4 out of 5 years functioning on less than 3 hours of sleep on an average night, when my kids were babies and were terrible sleepers. So I'm not going to apologize for not willing to sacrifice any more of my sleep, especially for things that can easily be avoided. I don't tell my husband when he needs to come to bed. I ask him whether he's ready to come to bed with me, or else if one of us can sleep in the guestroom in case he wants to come to bed later.
The things I do to make my marriage a happy and healthy one, take a lot more consideration and empathy from me than this. If that's not something you're willing to do for your spouse, then why be married at all?

Wear ear plugs - I do.
The reality is if your child suddenly cried out in pain or something you will hear the noise through the ear plugs. If your child is suffering really quietly/silently you won't hear it - even without ear plugs.

The probability that the noise of your child suffering is quiet enough not to hear through ear plugs, but loud enough that you would hear it without ear plugs is absolutely tiny.

It sounds to me like your expectations are completely unrealistic. Being forced to go to bed in synch with a partner, lie motionless without looking at phone or turning on the light if you needed ot would feel like prison.

Having light sleep is really tough on you, but your standards are impossible to meet and totally unfair on your dh. If you struggle that badly, you will need to sleep in your own room. It's really impossible to ask someone to not make any noise at all after you've gone to sleep.