Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

Thanks.
The friend who I would trust with this is male. That might be clouding my judgement around talking to him.
We have lots of chats over WhatsApp, so I am writing it down and it’s good to process it that way.

I would advise against sharing with this friend then op. Unless he's gay, perhaps.

I'm not saying all men are predatorial or anything like that but many are...oportunists. You should never put yourself in a position of relying on one man to save you from another. I think your instincts are right to tell you not to share this vulnerability with him.

Sorry op, do you have no female friends or even acquaintances you can share things with?
Even a female gp or minister? Or a therapist even.

Another worry is falling out of one abusive relationship, into another. It's never a good idea to tell a man about past abuse if a relationship could ever be on the cards with them.

I'm not saying your friendship isn't valid but, do not make yourself vulnerable infront of another man. It's such a bad idea.

Be extra wary of men sniffing about, pretending to care about you when they know you are in an abusive situation. Usually they are predators who think you are an easy target. Same goes if he is new on the scene and trying to be your best buddy even though he knows you have a partner.

WhatsApp conversations are not real life either so don't assume you know this guy if you've never met.

Seriously op, stay safe, find someone else to lean on. Not a guy. Absolutely not.

He is a real life friend, and not sniffing about or anything like that at all. Just a good friend who I trust, who happens to be male.

Yes I have female friends, just none who know what’s been going on. This friend already knows a lot of the history.
But I think it’s not the right decision to talk about this.

I think I wouldn't share about sexual assaults with a man. They generally aren't great about that sort of thing.

Tbh I think you need to focus on getting out.

The whole 'what do I say to people?', 'I need to tell xyz' might be becoming a bit of a procrastination kind of move by the sounds of things. Like you're telling yourself you can't do it yet or maybe hoping that whomever you tell might talk you out of it. Or, be the one to save you from it.

You have to save yourself.
That doesn't mean you can't talk to others of course. Or tell your guy friend that you're leaving him and wouldn't mind some help with some of the practicalities. Eg: being in the house when you ask your partner to leave. Or, helping you to pack. Etc..

@noitsachicken we don’t know your friend so can’t predict how he would respond. If you feel confident that he will listen and you are comfortable disclosing to him then that’s the right thing to do. If not I really would suggest contacting women’s aid - it really seems like you need to say this out loud to someone to help you really understand this is your reality and that other people besides faceless internet strangers do believe you. You don’t have to do anything by talking to them, they won’t force you to contact the police but they might be able to help guide you in how to move forward.

Has your husband tried to initiate sex again?

Thanks.
Things have been ok, he’s tried but not pushed it. He was pretty grumpy this morning and I wonder if it was linked to me not being responsive to him last night (I was half asleep). But generally things are ok, and that’s what I find hard. Most of the time things are ok.

God knows how women find men that actually.like sex. Ones I find never want to. I think men at 30 just don't like sex anymore.

Get rid of him if you don't want to and he's forcing you

It’s hard. Things are ok, and we just tick along. In the past I was ignoring a lot of the anger issues because the other times were ok. Now I find it harder to ignore the anger stuff, and even when things are ‘ok’ I’m not happy because I can’t look past the other stuff anymore.
But I think he goes so quickly from being angry to being calm and expecting things to be normal. But I can’t just be normal anymore.
But still, the majority of the time it’s ok. Just these unpredictable (ish) bursts of aggression, and these times of I guess being coerced into sex. But there is no anger linked to that.
I keep questioning myself, but then I read back on my posts and there is nothing I’ve written that isn’t true.
But I feel resigned to this.

Dear @noitsachicken please don’t give up and be resigned to this. Start to make a loose plan about the long term and keep posting on here for support.

@noitsachicken you talk about life being ‘ok’ in between his unpredictable bouts of anger and coercive sexual behaviour but is that really what you want? You deserve to live a life that is calm, unafraid and content and currently you don’t have that because of him and his behaviour. That also means your children have to live in the same environment but in some ways it’s worse because they can’t do anything to change it. They have one parent they can’t trust because he is temperamental, aggressive and cruel and another they most likely seek comfort from but ultimately can’t protect them as you are allowing them to remain in what sounds like a very toxic environment. They are also learning that this is normal and will likely influence what they will tolerate in adult relationships or potentially inflict on their own partners.

Please don’t let our words of caution about talking to your friend dissuade you from taking action, whatever that may be. It makes me so sad to think of the way you are living.You and your children deserve a life free of living in his shadow of anger and cruelty, please don’t give up, there is happiness to be found in a new life, you can get there, you are stronger than you know.

@noitsachicken you have been in my thoughts and you have my support.

Thankyou.
It’s so hard to know what to do. Like I’ve said before when things are calm it’s ok.
Everyone just ticks along.
I feel like I would be making a huge fuss if I change things for what are brief moments and mostly aimed at me.
There has been no pushing of sex at all for a while, no intimacy at all really, which is ok with me, but probably not for him. I imagine he will try again soon, he was a little this morning thinking about it.

@noitsachicken you are not making a huge fuss here at all. He’s sexually assaulting you time and time again. He’s hurting you mentally and physically. He’s made you feel so under valued that you are feeling guilty for seeking help as you don’t want to rock the boat. Please please just speak to Women’s Aid. They will listen. No judgement. I feel like you really don’t value yourself … I know when it’s “good” you are still walking in ex shells. I know this as my ExH had an explosive temper so I would do what he wanted relating to chores, meals and the kids He forced himself once into me and that was it, I slept separate going forwards with a locked door till I could get the hell out.

You can pm me, I am happy to try support you. Worried now what you said about thinking he wanted sex this morning …

@noitsachicken we’re here to listen and support for as long as you need. It just breaks my heart to hear how much you are putting up with, how much you seem to have lost yourself and little you value your own happiness. No one would think you were making a fuss, people end relationships for all sorts of reasons, any reason is valid if one person no longer wants to be with the other whether that’s because they’ve just drifted apart or one is routinely assaulting the other. No one has to stay with someone who makes them unhappy and most definitely not when they are being physically abused.

On a practical level have you considered what you might do if he does try to initiate sex again? Do you feel you have the ability to vocalise that you don’t consent? I know this is probably a hard thing to do as I appreciate that by vocalising if he then continues it makes what he’s doing so much worse for you as you can’t rationalise away the severity of it. I know you are making progress with accepting this is what has been happening anyway but it does seem that if you spoke up and he ignored you you’d potentially find that harder to cope with. I just want you to protect yourself, a man who has such a temper and feels he has a right to your body can ultimately be unpredictable.

Echoing @NZDreaming we are here to support you. Stay safe.

Just coming back to this thread.
I spoke to my friend, he told me it was rape, took me a while to accept that. Still not sure I have.
Recently I found it really hard when he walked in on me in the shower.

I spoke to rape crisis over the weekend, they also told me it was rape.
I’m finding this all really hard.

Sorry you are struggling but I am glad you are reaching out to your friend and to Rape Crisis. I actually thought of you the other day and was hoping all the abuse has stopped but I think you are going to find your way out of this. Stay strong x

It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. I’m sorry you are still there, still struggling. 💐

How much are you communicating with him? Have you ever discussed counselling?

He needs to hear that he is being abusive, having sex with you when you don’t want it, making you have sex you don’t want.

He won’t want to hear that. He will be telling himself it’s fine and you don’t mind, because that’s what he wants to believe. That’s what’s convenient for him.

Joint counselling isn't recommended where there is abuse.

He needs to be in an offenders programme if anything.

Well done for contacting the Rape Crisis.
You now know for sure that you are a victim of regular rape.
You poor woman.
He is a rapist and a criminal.
I understand that can be hard to absorb.
I believe Women's aid will help you get free legal aid if you report this.
Talk to them for advice and support.
Can you tell family and friends for extra support?

I’m trying to find a therapist, for me though.

No I haven’t said anything to him. I have no idea what I would say

You don't need to say anything to him or confront him about it. In fact better not to, as who knows how he'd react.

Solo therapy sounds like a good step for you, so you can sort through things and have a safe space.

Solo therapy @noitsachicken
Yout husband is beyond counselling - he doesn’t need anyone to tell him what he’s doing is actually a criminal offence.
Go for yourself, process it, leave him.

@noitsachicken so glad to hear from you and that you were able to confide in your friend. Solo therapy is a great idea, it will help you process your emotions and work out your way forward.

It might not feel like it but you’ve made so much progress since you first posted, you are stronger than you know.