Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

Well, I'm sorry, but I am confused. And it doesn't sound like OP has accepted it - she just posted this evening at 17.36: "This is why I am confused."

Oh - and I said IMPROVE HER LIFE, not her sex life.

Sending support. You’ve been in freeze mode which is a bodily survival strategy. By you not participating, it’s rape. I’m sorry. So hard to deal with.
Willing you the strength to leave. You can do it like many of us have! You deserve a life of peace and not being violated.

I'm so sorry you were in a relationship where you were raped, @Mamiberna. That's just terrible. Sending you hugs xxx And no, I suppose I don't understand, but I was just following OP's lead and reading what she wrote, and it's a little contradictory, so I'm a bit confused.

So he didn't have consent, got a no and physical rejection. He knew he didn't have consent and carried on = rape.

And other times, he had no consent and no enthusiastic response from you, but carried on anyway, because he doesn't care whether you're consenting or not. Often people freeze in these situations, especially when their nos have previously been ignored. It's a survival strategy and, effectively, what's the point if he's going to do what he's going to do anyway? It's safer to freeze than make it a scene or a fight. It's still non-consensual and therefore rape.

There are few "perfect" victims in these scenarios, because we're not socialised to fight off our husbands or boyfriends, we shouldn't bloody have to.

I don’t mean to be contradictory. It’s hard to think back and remember, I try not to.

I wrote it all down on this thread, I don’t want to scroll back and read it.

But maybe I was wrong about what happened.

If you're uncomfortable with calling it rape or him a rapist, then you don't have to.

You don't have to do or say a single thing about it, or defend or explain yourself (or him). You don't have to get bogged down with definitions or what other people think about it or how they define it.

What matters is how you feel right now and what you want to happen next.

You're not happy in your relationship and about the sexual side of it. Where do you want to go from here?

@noitsachicken no one is expecting you to remember exactly what you’ve said previously or to reread your posts. You’ve explained the situation clearly enough and you don’t need to re traumatise yourself by having to look back at what you wrote months ago.

Had talking to the rape crisis team or your friend made you think more about what you want to do longer term? I know you were previously reticent to separate due to the children but if nothing has changed with regard to his temper, treatment of the children and his entitlement to your body then perhaps your acceptance of the reality of the situation has helped you to realise this is not a safe environment for you or your children to stay in.

Things have been ok recently.

But just treading water, ticking along.
We have these ‘good’ times when everything is ok.
But I am just flat, I feel pretty checked out and even when things are ok I can’t forget the times when they weren’t.
But I feel fairly resigned to it.

I have some therapy starting soon, I am hoping it will help me get my thoughts straight. Everything feels like such a mess.

The therapy should help, well done.

It doesn’t sound like labelling it has been particularly helpful for you, in the kindest way. All of us have categorically stated that its rape, Rape Crisis and your friend have confirmed that.

Everyone can see it for what it is, and you can name it without doubt. However, you still seem caught in the headlights. The freezing that happens in the moment where you seem to passively allow it to happen is echoed in the larger picture of the marriage, where you are frozen and unable to make a change to protect yourself from what sounds like a fairly miserable existence.

What support do you need to be able to imagine a happy life for you and your DCs without this looming over you. It doesn’t need to involve reporting him to police or telling him what he is. You can just end a marriage because it isn’t making you happy. And despite the claims that things tick along nicely the rest of the time, you really don’t sound happy.

No, I’m not happy.
But I don’t know what is just me being perimenopausal and having a mid-life crisis.
I’ve definitely not been rational a lot of the time recently and done some stupid stuff 🙄

Hi as others say on here this is not ok
you have not given consent married partnership or not
there are so many organisations to help you
you can start with your doctor and I am sure they will help you
I am so sorry you are going through this
you can even call Samaritans .. I know many who have and they are amazing .. of course please ask for a biological woman to help you as this is a very sensitive issue
sending my warmest wishes and well done for reaching out !! That’s the first step and a very important one … please do not hesitate to reach out to a professional ok ?

None of what you’ve told us over the last 9 months is due to your peri-menopause. Your husband is abusive both verbally and physically. Your children are afraid of him and you are clearly very unhappy. Those things are not changed by the fact you may have symptoms of peri-menopause that might make you muddled/irrational/short-tempered etc.

You are capable of ending your marriage and living a happier life with your children. Hopefully therapy will help you see that and give you the confidence to leave.

It doesn't matter

She's been told it's rape

SHE is posting here and we take her word for the situation and it's HER that needs support

You posting opposite thinking and 'try this, try that' when it's clear she doesn't want to is not helping

Her partner isn't posting here so we need to help her not him

Irrespective of everything else

You are not happy

So that is what matters. You don't need to tie yourself in knots to make someone else happy

So if you want to leave, you need to leave

I wish it was just that easy.

I’m properly low at the moment, everything is such a mess. My life should be so happy.

You aren’t happy because no one is prioritising your happiness. No one is putting you first.

not even you.

I’ve been there. It’s tough. Step one is accepting that you are allowed to be happy, that you matter, that you deserve to be happy.
Step two might be doing little things that make you happy- a lipstick, a candle, your favourite chocolate, a pen, a hot bath- something that you are doing just to be happy. A moment of pleasure and joy. Some self care. See what happens.

@noitsachicken it might feel impossible right now but your life can and will improve. When do you start therapy? Hopefully your therapist will help you build your confidence and find your strength to improve the situation. You sound like you are perhaps depressed, it’s unsurprising and when feeling so low everything can feel overwhelming and getting through each day is all you can manage. It might be worth exploring medication to treat your low mood, when you are feeling more yourself you’ll feel more confident in making changes. Just know you are not alone, things will get better.

Therapy starts week after next.
I’m pretty anxious about it.

Is the therapy for you alone?

it will be ok, sending you a handhold. They will really help you get some clarity. They will support you. They really will not contradict what you have described as rape to us all. We all back you. It’s nothing to do with peri l what’s happening to you and your husbands actions. Take care lovely x

Yes, just me on my own.
I don’t know that I’ll talk about what happened.
It feels a while a go now (about 5 months) so it’s easier to forget about it. But occasionally I get reminded (like when he came in when I was in the shower)

It’s your time to talk about what you want to talk about.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5316306-to-report-husband-for-rape?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share