Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@Browniesandcustard I’d be a little annoyed with that type of communication. I like certainty.

@occhiazzurri whilst your question wasn’t at me, I’ve predominantly dated single dads and have generally good experiences.

Do you mean single dads as someone who has kids 100% of time or mainly live with them? Or just as single and a dad?

That’s been my luck as well @occhiazzurri - and I had a couple of dates a fortnight ago with two guys who weren’t but I couldn’t ever imagine fancying them at all. Zilch attraction!

@Bestlife18 how did date go last night?!
@occhiazzurri @SinkingFeelingSoph no, I'm not especially attractive (I would say passably attractive); my career is ok now but precarious and due to ex's destructive addiction and debt I've had to kind of start all over again, financially and emotionally.

The men I've met over the last few months via the apps have generally been decent - but no chemistry really - one who became a bit more - Mr Bohemian- but he has now moved country. My experience has frustratingly included a few married men who were not 100% honest about their situation, and plenty who used unrepresentative photos. Mr Nature has never been married and no kids, but several long-term relationships. If I'm honest I'm pretty attracted to him physically but I know he and I do not have enough in common.

Mr Skipper's kids have chosen to live with him (he's in process of divorce). Prof's kids are studying and he is v close with them. Amicable divorce. Obviously, I don't know him at all yet but am encouraged by his enthusiastic efforts to organise stuff with me. There is also mutual attraction there - which I have found difficult to find - out of 25-30 men I have only encountered 4 men that I remotely fancy. And Mr Nature and Prof rank the highest. It's v early days but am hopeful that there is potential with Prof.

@Chocolatefreak it went well thank you. He was mortified because the place we went to for food was awful but we laughed about it. Both have similar sort of standards. He showed more consideration than last weeks “sleepover”, I was freezing so he made sure I was warm in the car and stuff. I can’t make him out whether he is 1) extremely laid back 2) jaded after a lot of old and not getting over invested. He’s not love bombing which is good as I did worry he might be another of my narcissists I collect! I also think when you’ve been targeted by consecutive narcs, it’s hard to know what a normal man communicates like!!

Wow lots to catch up on. @Chocolatefreak your hike, mountain hut date sounds fab. So good that all three seem decent men. @LittleFloatingGhost your guy sounds good too, excellent news, hopefully your date goes well when it come round as it sounds v promising.

@Bestlife18 all sounds positive for you too, this is great news! Are you going to see the Friday night date again? Do they know about each other?

So despite swearing to myself that I would not get into an endless messaging situation ever again after Mr Email I'm back right in the middle of one again! Honestly I must be giving out pen pals vibes. I do feel this one has extenuating circumstances though which is why I've not called a halt to it.

He seems a genuinely nice man, photos and profile all good and his messages have been great. Definitely some commonalities for sure but he is a widower, which I've not come across before. I'm wary of suggesting we meet as feels like he probably needs to take it all v slowly.

Has anyone dated someone who has lost a partner rather than the relationship ending? Sounds like he was very much in love and totally devastated, a good amount of time has passed so I'm not worried so much about that but I can imagine that starting to contemplate dating someone else in those circumstances is going to feel very different to when a relationship or marriage has broken down.

I've also got a date with someone else lined up for later in the week. I don't think it will lead to anything, other than agreeing to meet virtually zero messaging going on which is quite refreshing!

@Mckittens fri went well thank you - he is like a million miles an hour but we had loads to talk about as lots of mutual friends/things in our lives. Not sure whether he saw it as catching up with an old school friend or romantic potential. He did say he hadn’t been messaging anyone else whilst we were talking 😬 I kept quiet at that point! No, I haven’t said anything because I’m assuming that they are probably doing the same. I’ve always been too quick to hang my hat on someone and it’s always been wrong decision so seeing if I can be more zen and try not get invested to see which stays the course and I actually prefer.

Yours sounds interesting. I’ve personally never dated a widow. I guess my first question would be has he ever dated anyone else or are you his first post marriage experience?

@Bestlife18 I totally agree, I'm also too quick I think in terms of giving to much away, hanging my hat! I think zen is the way to be and focus on what I want and what feels right for me rather than worrying about what the other person is thinking about me. This is what I am aiming for this time round anyway!

I haven't asked that question yet although I am pretty sure that he hasn't dated anyone else. I did ask how long he had been on the app and it hadn't been long at all but it has been something I was planning to ask. It would be better not to be the first one in this situation I think!

@Mckittens could you gently broach the subject of what Mr Widower is on the apps for? If he's genuinely interested in meeting someone new he will say so. Or he might say 'I'm not sure...' in which case, maybe tread with caution? You can always initiate this discussion yourself by stating what it is you're looking for. This might clarify some things for you ie where he is mentally in the grieving process. My mother met her husband four years after his wife had died from cancer, he was absolutely ready to move on. Of course, it's different for everyone.

Good that you have a no frills date this week. You never know, could be unexpectedly good!

@Mckittens a friend said to me this week that I need to spend time figuring out if I actually like the person without always jumping in too deep and thinking too far ahead. I find it really hard. I’m already now overthinking about why Friday night hasn’t replied to a msg I sent late last night 🫣 I am totally with you!
Re the widower guy. I think maybe just go with it and try and be zen lol. It’s hard to know what to do for the best. You could walk away but you might miss something great!

@Chocolatefreak I will definitely try and find a way to ask about it gently. His profile clearly states looking for a long term relationship but I'm guessing that in this type of situation even if you genuinely feel that you are ready and looking to have another relationship the reality once you actually start dating might be very different.

@Bestlife18 I am a classic over thinker too, it drives me crazy. I literally over think every little thing. But your friend is right, and I'm definitely going to try and focus on that.

I will try and manifest some zen vibes, you are right it feels tempting to walk away as I'm already predicting a negative outcome. I guess that's one of the things I find difficult about old as I want to trust my instincts as they are usually right but equally I'm trying to be open to different possibilities and not just shut down opportunities too quickly.

Omg whoever suggested going younger, I took your advice and changed my age settings or at least took off the deal breaker option and I've had an influx of 20 somethings trying to match 😳😂 I guess I should be flattered but it's slightly disturbing at the same time.

@Mckittens its so hard. I think it’s the unpredictability of people and the fact you have zero control of these guys! I find it so difficult. I’m trying to take each date as it comes, not think too much or read anything into stuff but it’s really hard! We need to set up an overthinkers club and share good tips of things that work to stop you doing it.

@Mckittens That was me Younger men, I find are much more innocent and have less baggage. Tho can be a bit clumsy and immature.

I do gravitate towards "older" men myself.

Last two guys I fancied were 23 and 32. They were different people but they both had that 'young' vibe, easy to talk to and excited about life.

I used to jump in relationships and figure things out while I'm already there but these days I try to get to know people really well and see if we might work together.

@Chocolatefreak Really pleased for you! You def did well with those buses.

Tbf still a bit hesitant to go on a bus ride so can come off as a bit aloof but there are some nice looking buses out there for sure

Hello! I’ve just been catching up on everyone’s news! I’m still dating mr chilled. All going well. I have a bit of nervousness about the age gap but we will see. All dates have lasted hours and been fun and easy! So question - when do you normally have the chat? Still on apps/just dating one person type chat?? I got hurt by this before when it backfired with someone else….

@Tillievanilly thats great to hear! How long have you been seeing him? Do you get the impression he may be seeing others ?

I am totally not going to give advice on this because I get in and commit way too fast and it always ends up backfiring on me!

This is me! Lol.

@LittleFloatingGhost I was just driving then listening to a podcast about why I keep picking and chasing emotionally unavailable people!

One of my flaws is I give people chances and the benefit of doubt. Like Mr Excel, always valid reasons, still not met and dates keep changing. I have messaged this morning asking outright “are we actually going to meet?”

I really enjoy his messages etc, but don’t want a penpal.

I’m ready to take the summer off. I am snoozed on the apps and deleted them already!

So about 5 dates all lasted about 5 hours generally see him once a week, at the moment. I don’t feel he is seeing others but obviously I don’t know that and it tends to be the norm! I don’t need official yet I just would like to know!

Oh yeah @Tillievanilly I think it’s time to expect to have the chat. Awkward as is it.

5 lengthy dates is great though!

@Tillievanilly if it’s been about 5 weeks then I’d ask. If you can’t do it face to face then maybe send a voice note about something and drop it into that. I’m like you, I hate to bring it up. Thankfully Mr SV brought it up early on so I didn’t have to but it’s nice to know where you stand.

Question about the apps ladies - for those of you mid 40s and not in a big city, which are you finding best? The Mr Aloof/avoidant I had in the fire has now been awol two days which I’m not sad about. The one from Fri night is still going end I’m feeling excited about this one but not sure when on earth we could meet again as both have kids pretty much all the time for next week!

@Tillievanilly Non-monogamy/ENM seems to be so prevalent, did Mr Chilled make any reference to what his expectations were from dating in the initial conversations you had? I think on Tinder there is an ENM option now, could you check on the app if he marked it? Mentioning this because Prof initially put this (on Feeld, where it's par for the course) and told me this is what he wanted (as did I) but has now paused his apps/ended other convos to concentrate on me. I've also paused my apps now, but informed Prof and Mr Nature that I'm non monogamous - which they're both ok with.

@cassiatwenty thanks! It's early days but for the first time and 25+ dates later I feel like this has real potential.

@Bestlife18 I'm early 50s and in Europe and my experience has been - Bumble - lots of married men but people looking for a relationship/regular fwb. Tinder - most active but most random in terms of quality men 😂Feeld is the kinkiest but also seems to attract more intelligent and articulate men on there. Could just be my area? Maybe Europe uses the apps differently?