Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Ah that’s good. It’s tough out there!

I hope the cancer scare is not a scare any more.

Not necessarily, I think that’s a phrase I used 😂

To me it means, have a nice time checking out new venues and meeting new people and not thinking too deeply about ‘where this is going’ from day 1.

But perhaps I’m naive!

@FallenFigs in Bumble? There is also option "intimacy w/o commitment" that's just hook ups I'd say... Fun, casual dates are something bit more than that.. maybe fwb or similar set up.

Well, just back from a drink with a lady.
Only half an hour as she had a daughter to collect....but then a text wishing me luck in my search! Guess that is another crossed off
Ho Hum!

Yes I use it in much the same way.

Also tbh to be realistic the majority of first dates are unlikely to lead anywhere anyway so why stress about it 😂 🤷‍♀️

And do you find your matches understand it in the same way, or did you get any hookup offers?

I dated someone that wrote something like ‘looking to meet new people and see what happens’ and thought we had a similar outlook so it worked well.

Someone that would write ‘looking for a future wife/ woman of my dreams’ or similar would certainly scare me though, we’d just be in very different places. I see dating as a way to have new experiences, eg try out new cafes, see new places, meet new people, and if it leads to a relationship then that’s a huge bonus but like you say, in most cases not that likely.

@Dauntedbydating at least it sounds like you’re getting plenty of dates though! As PP said most first dates are a write-off, and you already had a few second dates, didn’t you?

I’m fine thanks, but will have to have yearly checkups

It’s love 🥰

Pleased it’s going well.

Tbh yes I got those too - but I also got them with whatever I had on the profile 😅

I'm not on dating apps now, but I used to say to matches I’m looking to meet people and see where it goes, I’ve been single a long time I very much wanted to take things slowly, I guess.

My date has not contacted me since yesterday. We are supposed to meet in 15 minutes... i've decided/realised he is going to be a no show so i've taken matters into my own hands and jumped on a train to the closes city to meet another hook up. What is wrong with these blokes 🤨

I had a date yesterday and we didn’t say anything on the day. You may want to contact just in case they are there. Also, you could have contacted them too…

@Becky37 I don't really understand your post, did you have another date lined up or are you literally looking for a hookup?

Becky37 I hope you had a nice time in the end! I wouldn't have waited all day without contacting the first one.

How did yours go LittleFloatingGhost?

@NervesOfCotton Another one who is lovely. Lol.

You may or may not remember Mr Music from when I first found the thread (almost two years ago 😅😂), it wasn’t until the second date when we kissed and I the chemistry exploded… I haven’t had that with anyone since, although I’m not actively looking, and I’d be wary of it, especially after all of the head fuckery that ensued.

I find Mr Local really engaging, funny and kind. But he kept saying “you’re so pretty”, then apologising. I started to feel self conscious and after Mr TV who kept saying things like this, it is a little triggering (maybe too much of a strong word) that it’s more about looks than me generally.

He has been single for a year and I was his second first date, he was a little nervous but relaxed into our time together. Walking back to my car he kissed me which was really nice. We’re going to meet for a coffee next week.

Mr Bank, potentially seeing him next week too, buy want to so something rather than going to one of our places for sex. He seems really open to that and made some suggestions. Although I am becoming less sure on him - he did a few things in bed which I wasn’t comfortable with. I did speak with him and mentioned it at the time, but my radar has been switched up.

I’m not speaking to anyone else at the moment.

May need to upgrade to premium to fix those typos 😅🤣

LittleFloatingGhost Ooh, another good update! I think Mr Local sounds like the 'best' one, but agree maybe a date doing something fun with Mr Bank, just to be sure. I'm so happy that it's going well for you

Yes I remember Mr Music & I know what you mean, I get really self conscious if they go on about how nice I look.

Anyway, I finally got a chat going yesterday
Woohoo for me

BUT he was clearly drunk when he replied to my match last night. He told me he'd been out drinking (& I'd have guessed this by the state of his typing anyway!!!) So I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will come back today & we can speak properly...

I think I’m onto a record here. Got chatting to a guy on bumble on Wednesday, we both agreed it’s good meet asap so decided on a Saturday date (today) and he bought us tickets to a museum, apparently. Due to meet at 12 however no arranged meeting place. He’s now gone completely silent and has read my message asking where he’d like to meet on WhatsApp but hasn’t replied.

Gut feeling is that he’s changed his mind but is too shit scared to say anything as always.

I’m laughing it off now but I didn’t realise how difficult it was to actually get a man to want to meet up and commit to it. Fuck sake 😂😂

Sorry he's done that JH0000 That's very familiar to me! I think that it's a mix of the 'Never intended to meet anybody, am just passing the time on the APPs' & 'Would like to meet somebody but I'm too scared to actually do it'.

Yeah I agree with you. I’ve had to stop feeling so disappointed about it all as I’d end up feeling really down about it. I’ve definitely had a mind shift about OLD and don’t tend to believe people until they can prove they can be trusted. I guess it’s not ‘real’ until we meet.

It’s a shame however as he seemed alright and it would have been nice to get out for a few hours. Nevermind!

JH20000 It's hard not to feel disappointed isn't it. But yes, it's not real until it's real!

Do something nice for yourself today instead

@JH20000 totally relate to this too, like @NervesOfCotton says it's not real til it's real. I think I already posted about this a while ago but I was chatting to someone recently, lots of messaging, seemed like he would have been really good fun, really funny and from the stuff he said seemed like he might have been quite kind as well. Cancelled the morning we'd agreed to meet, citing anxiety and not being over his ex.

I was so disappointed. It's just all fake until it's not. I do think some people on the apps have no intention of meeting up and lots of others don't have the emotional capacity to have a relationship. So odds are stacked against actually meeting someone viable which I guess is why people will say it's a numbers game. But I find each meet up quite draining. Feel like I need to be viewing it differently. Despite having been on quite a few dates I still get nervous/ anxious before each one and want to cancel. I know others on here have said they enjoy it and see it as a way of going somewhere new/ doing something different. I think maybe I need more of that mindset.

Agree with @NervesOfCotton, do something nice just for you today, you deserve it!

@NervesOfCotton the best drunken conversations 😂😂. Looking forward to an update!

@JH20000 💐

@Mckittens Ah, it’s frustrating to hear that you find the dates draining. Why do you think that is? Do you go on many/ have been doing it a while? Or do you have clear goals along the lines of ‘I want to meet someone to start a family with’? I’m just trying to figure out why it feels like hard work.

I’m in the ‘fun dates’ camp but that’s probably because a) I don’t expect anything b) have the attitude that the guys are lucky to be going out with me so it’s their loss and not mine if we don’t get on c) see the first date almost as meeting a friend with maybe potential for romance d) keep many options open e) don’t go on many dates. It’s maybe not the recipe for commitment/ relationship as I certainly have walls up to a degree and don’t fall easily, but I see it all as lighthearted socialising and not a chore.

I’ve just had a disappointing date with someone I really liked and surprisingly, my ego is in tact.

ElleintheWoods I also struggle with this. I think it's a combination of things for me. Deep down, I always hope that a date will at least lead to a few more dates, if not a full blown relationship. Also I can't shake that feeling of wasting time, so instead of thinking 'Well that was a nice way to spend a couple of hours, shame that it's not going to work out', I think 'What a waste of a few hours, I could have been doing whatever...'

That said, I've not had any dates for a few months & I do look on my last (bad) ones with humour now. So maybe it just takes me a while to reach that stage of shrugging my shoulders, but I do get there