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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 249 - Summer

1000 replies

librauk · 22/06/2024 07:53

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
ElleintheWoods · 01/09/2024 23:02

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle that’s what I mean by competitive, I feel like I need to ‘win’ at dating?! I.e. if they usually message back within minutes of me messaging, I feel like I’m winning. If they seem more blasé, I want to either cut my losses or get myself to a ‘winning’ position! Mr WorkCrush for example drives me nuts if he actually dares to work for a few hours and doesn’t message, but if he does message first thing unprompted, I’m like the cat that got the cream. But sometimes he’s keeping me guessing and it’s part of the appeal, other men are a bit too easy.

Would you suggest a 2nd date or are you expecting him to?

@Rosiecidar Oh dear… I mean, I’m guilty of that, but that’s talking to people from the same field where it seems to interest us both. Why do men think this stuff is supposed to impress/ interest a potential partner? Is it ‘I bring money and stability’?

Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle · 02/09/2024 01:07

@ElleintheWoods well we have talked again all day on and off today. I think I have him wrong. We do have a strong connection, very similar outlooks, both diagnosed with the same thing so we have this understanding of each other due to our diagnosis and medications. I think I am seeing more that he wants to take it slow which is fine, it is great, I am still climbing the walls but no doubt he is too but he remembers little things I have told him, small things about me that a lot of people would miss but I am the same, I cotton on to miniscule things. I am not saying this is the next love of my life but I found his mind and brain attractive before we even met up and I continue to find him a fascinating person but I do think I am actually also physically attracted to him and he is NOT my normal type. That is possibly for the best considering. I will update again but something has shifted. I do now think we are on the same wavelength.

LittleFloatingGhost · 02/09/2024 08:26

@ElleintheWoods I look forward to future updates!

I did meet Mr TV yesterday, and the date was really nice. I made it clear I was getting to know other people which he seemed to take well, but then became really affectionate and we spent a long time kissing. I did ask him about this and he said he wanted to make sure I knew how much he liked me. He does wear his heart in his sleeve, and yes, I’m more grounded and cautious with who I give my heart to. I have said I would like to see him again but haven’t arranged anything and next week I’m away with work, so I have some headspace.

Where my head is now - all great communicators, all seem open and honest:

  1. Lives a distance and semi-rurally, doesn’t have a friendship group as such and I find this a little concerning. I like my independence and seeing my friends, I couldn’t be someone’s all and everything.

  2. Lives about 10 miles away, very open with how they are feeling, has a strong friendship group. Unsure about future career potential.

  3. Lives 3 miles away, communication excellent, even letting me know that he won’t be able to message much as has his kids and family over at the weekend. Not met yet but on paper, but given location, job, the way he communicates, he would be preferred.

ElleintheWoods · 02/09/2024 09:27

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle sounds really promising, I guess also having the same condition you get that side of each other, which can be helpful! How did you meet? Another date this week you think?

@LittleFloatingGhost Sounds like an enjoyable date! I'd love for someone to kiss me passionately round about now! He may have the best intentions but I'd say make sure he doesn't override your boundaries. I've dated a couple of those types in the past and they may say they hear the 'no, this is too much' but continue doing it regardless. I'm guessing from the list Mr TV is 2? Any plans with 1&3?

LittleFloatingGhost · 02/09/2024 11:47

@ElleintheWoods Yes - 1 is coming to
mine tomorrow, and I’m meeting 3 for drinks a few days later.

Dauntedbydating · 02/09/2024 18:57

Interesting comments about not wearing your heart on your sleeve.

I think I was guilty of this with someone I saw a few months ago.
I really liked her and we had several meals out and drinks before she came to mine for a meal.
I cooked a really nice meal for her and we went to bed together. She wasn't going to stay, but I felt it was a little awkward.
I messaged her to say that I hoped she didn't feel pressured this evening, I genuinely tried not to, and that I really liked her a lot.

Perhaps it was shit sex, but I think I was a bit too effusive, anyway she told me the next day that she wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship.
Not my style, but perhaps there is something in the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen"!

RadiantRainbow · 02/09/2024 19:12

@Dauntedbydating treat them mean keep them keen does absolutely nothing to lay a foundation for a long term or healthy relationship, only if you want games/adrenaline.

However when someone is TOO effusive about you when they barely know you, it sometimes can be a little off putting because you think but you don’t know me yet, why are you THAT enthusiastic? Do you have nothing going on for yourself/your inner life/in terms of past relationships that I didn’t give you anything yet and you are beyond yourself with excitement? That can make them slightly less appealing. Enthusiastic and honest is ALWAYS good, overkeen when it’s very early days is less so.

yes, being upfront and vulnerable would filter out those who are looking for an unhealthy pattern, but it’s a good thing surely?

Though to be honest I wouldn’t have had sex with someone I wasn’t keen on…Why was the sex shit?
It could be that being intimate did bring into focus for her that actually she wasn’t ready to get very close and vulnerable with someone and she just told you the truth…

Dauntedbydating · 02/09/2024 19:28

The shit sex was a flippant comment!
Actually, I'm pretty awesome 😆

We'd actually had dinner or drinks about 5 times, so I thought I was getting to know her reasonably well. Clearly not!

Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle · 02/09/2024 19:37

My ex was a total love bomber and I would hate that almost fictitious sort of relationship again. I dont want a man constantly telling me I am beautiful or the woman of his dreams and all that but the odd time it would be nice I guess. Mister Thursday is totally the opposite in every way to my ex which is fantastic but I currently do not know if he does even want to see me again and I don't want to be the woman sitting back overthinking about it either. He seems lovely, genuine etc but just either he really has no interest in which case I dont understand constant chat to me or he just wants a penpal.

LittleFloatingGhost · 02/09/2024 20:34

Dauntedbydating · 02/09/2024 18:57

Interesting comments about not wearing your heart on your sleeve.

I think I was guilty of this with someone I saw a few months ago.
I really liked her and we had several meals out and drinks before she came to mine for a meal.
I cooked a really nice meal for her and we went to bed together. She wasn't going to stay, but I felt it was a little awkward.
I messaged her to say that I hoped she didn't feel pressured this evening, I genuinely tried not to, and that I really liked her a lot.

Perhaps it was shit sex, but I think I was a bit too effusive, anyway she told me the next day that she wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship.
Not my style, but perhaps there is something in the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen"!

@Dauntedbydating It can be tricky if someone thinks they’re in the right headspace, but actually the reality shows that they are not.

I’m sure your sex is awesome 🤩 - Nobody is actually bad, just we are more compatible with some people.

Definitely don’t ‘treat em mean, keep em
keen’ - just be measured if you do like someone, honest and consistent 😃

ElleintheWoods · 02/09/2024 23:16

Yes, I agree with the comments of others @Dauntedbydating. When someone that doesn't know you well (less than 5 dates, say) says things like 'I can see myself settling down with you' or 'I feel like I can trust you with everything' or start making plans for a holiday, that just seems crazy to me, as they don't know me. It just makes me smirk and go 'yeah, right' in my head, or thinking 'well, he's trying to get me to bed'. It's a little different if you are seeing someone who was previously a friend, of course.

Having said that, when I was fresh post break-up, I did fall for lines like that a bit, maybe because I wanted to feel wanted/needed again.

It doesn't sound like you lovebombed your date. It's nice when a man says nice things after sex. Was that the lady that was a bit hard work to get a 2nd date with?

About 'treat them mean, keep them keen...' Ufff, I think in my case it may be a bit of truth to it both ways. Not to sound like a run a harem, but there are a couple of guys that text me every single day to say they're thinking about me etc. They're sound enough but I don't see them as viable, so sometimes I reply, sometimes I don't reply all day. It only seems to encourage them!! I've also noticed that if I reply to someone immediately due to my keenness, over time they take me for granted a bit.

Then my 2 more serious prospects. One of the guys I've been on 5ish dates with and he will often reply back immediately, I'll know that he'll text me every day at some point, and have no anxiety about it. It's relaxed, nice and organic, and if he ever started not replying all day etc, it would go against him. It wouldn't make me want him more. He's getting it exactly right in terms of seeming reliable and dependable and open, but not needy/ obsessive.

The other one, the one I really want, is more sporadic. He might not message me for days or 4-5 hours and when he isn't messaging me, I think about him, and I think 'what could he possibly be doing that's more important? Is he not thinking about me as much as I think about me?' There's a bit of a cycle of anxious longing and then that sweet high when his name pops up on my screen. There's no predictability to him (apart from knowing he will message eventually if I leave him be) and it's making me think about him a lot more than I'd like. There's times when he messages a lot all day long and I think 'yup, I have him hooked' but then the next day, not a peep, and he's keeping me guessing again. But we haven't even kissed yet so it's not wrong to be a bit more detached.

What's my point? Communication content and frequency needs to be appropriate for stage of relationship.

I suppose if you know the other person is really into you TTM KTK can work - but why play games? I wouldn't recommend it as a strategy if you're seriously interested in someone though. Just don't reply to them straight away all day long/ write extremely long emotional messages/ say things that are too advanced for an early relationship stage. Don't clear your entire schedule and start talking about meeting your parents, or that you'll change your entire wardrobe because they like goths. But also seeming too unavailable will just make them think you aren't interested. It's a delicate balance to strike.

ElleintheWoods · 02/09/2024 23:20

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle have you suggested meeting up again?

LittleFloatingGhost · 02/09/2024 23:43

I have messaged Mr TV that I won’t meet him again. He was on my mind all day and the fact I was so on the fence said a lot.

Really looking forward to seeing Mr Bank tomorrow for our second date.

Browniesandcustard · 03/09/2024 06:03

@ElleintheWoods
what you say about communication is so true - finding the balance can sometimes be tricky and frustrating.
One of the reasons I split with someone I’d been dating for about 4 months was his crap comms - like it’s been said on here, it takes 30 seconds to send a text, he would sometimes reply straightaway and sometimes not for a couple of days and that just didn’t work for me. The new guy I’m dating is much better, not too many messages but not too few either. I know he’ll reply at some point rather than me being left wondering quite where I stand. Heck this dating stuff seems so complicated these days!!

Browniesandcustard · 03/09/2024 06:04

@LittleFloatingGhost hope the date with Mr Bank goes well!

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 06:55

ElleintheWoods · 02/09/2024 23:16

Yes, I agree with the comments of others @Dauntedbydating. When someone that doesn't know you well (less than 5 dates, say) says things like 'I can see myself settling down with you' or 'I feel like I can trust you with everything' or start making plans for a holiday, that just seems crazy to me, as they don't know me. It just makes me smirk and go 'yeah, right' in my head, or thinking 'well, he's trying to get me to bed'. It's a little different if you are seeing someone who was previously a friend, of course.

Having said that, when I was fresh post break-up, I did fall for lines like that a bit, maybe because I wanted to feel wanted/needed again.

It doesn't sound like you lovebombed your date. It's nice when a man says nice things after sex. Was that the lady that was a bit hard work to get a 2nd date with?

About 'treat them mean, keep them keen...' Ufff, I think in my case it may be a bit of truth to it both ways. Not to sound like a run a harem, but there are a couple of guys that text me every single day to say they're thinking about me etc. They're sound enough but I don't see them as viable, so sometimes I reply, sometimes I don't reply all day. It only seems to encourage them!! I've also noticed that if I reply to someone immediately due to my keenness, over time they take me for granted a bit.

Then my 2 more serious prospects. One of the guys I've been on 5ish dates with and he will often reply back immediately, I'll know that he'll text me every day at some point, and have no anxiety about it. It's relaxed, nice and organic, and if he ever started not replying all day etc, it would go against him. It wouldn't make me want him more. He's getting it exactly right in terms of seeming reliable and dependable and open, but not needy/ obsessive.

The other one, the one I really want, is more sporadic. He might not message me for days or 4-5 hours and when he isn't messaging me, I think about him, and I think 'what could he possibly be doing that's more important? Is he not thinking about me as much as I think about me?' There's a bit of a cycle of anxious longing and then that sweet high when his name pops up on my screen. There's no predictability to him (apart from knowing he will message eventually if I leave him be) and it's making me think about him a lot more than I'd like. There's times when he messages a lot all day long and I think 'yup, I have him hooked' but then the next day, not a peep, and he's keeping me guessing again. But we haven't even kissed yet so it's not wrong to be a bit more detached.

What's my point? Communication content and frequency needs to be appropriate for stage of relationship.

I suppose if you know the other person is really into you TTM KTK can work - but why play games? I wouldn't recommend it as a strategy if you're seriously interested in someone though. Just don't reply to them straight away all day long/ write extremely long emotional messages/ say things that are too advanced for an early relationship stage. Don't clear your entire schedule and start talking about meeting your parents, or that you'll change your entire wardrobe because they like goths. But also seeming too unavailable will just make them think you aren't interested. It's a delicate balance to strike.

No, I definately wasn't suggesting settling down, or holidays or anything like that. I merely said...
"I had such a nice time with you last night.
I loved kissing and making love to you
You're a very attractive sexy woman"

She replied the following day saying that she had had a nice time on our dates, but wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship.

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 07:23

You ladies on this thread think you have problems with men's behaviour!!!
Allow me to present an alternative perspective.....

For context, I have been chatting to a woman on Hinge for about three weeks, we have spoken on the phone, once for about an hour, but have never met.....

I arranged to meet her after work last week at a pub, and she told me that she would need to bring her 12 year old child too. I cancelled and said we'd rearrange.
I have not messaged her much since, but she tried calling me after midnight the other day. My phone is on slilent after 10pm.

She messaged yesterday, asking me how Monday was, and I replied a couple of hours later and said "not great, had an awful meeting" & "how was your day?"
She replied asking if I wanted to chat, and I said it was late and I needed to sleep. Put my phone down and went to bed......woke up to this!!!

What the FUCK !!!!

Dating Thread 249 - Summer
Dating Thread 249 - Summer
Dating Thread 249 - Summer
Dating Thread 249 - Summer
NoDatingFor0ldMen · 03/09/2024 07:37

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 07:23

You ladies on this thread think you have problems with men's behaviour!!!
Allow me to present an alternative perspective.....

For context, I have been chatting to a woman on Hinge for about three weeks, we have spoken on the phone, once for about an hour, but have never met.....

I arranged to meet her after work last week at a pub, and she told me that she would need to bring her 12 year old child too. I cancelled and said we'd rearrange.
I have not messaged her much since, but she tried calling me after midnight the other day. My phone is on slilent after 10pm.

She messaged yesterday, asking me how Monday was, and I replied a couple of hours later and said "not great, had an awful meeting" & "how was your day?"
She replied asking if I wanted to chat, and I said it was late and I needed to sleep. Put my phone down and went to bed......woke up to this!!!

What the FUCK !!!!

Block this person and don’t contact her anymore,

i had some good advice from this thread a while back, and you need to know when not to engage with some people!

LittleFloatingGhost · 03/09/2024 08:16

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 07:23

You ladies on this thread think you have problems with men's behaviour!!!
Allow me to present an alternative perspective.....

For context, I have been chatting to a woman on Hinge for about three weeks, we have spoken on the phone, once for about an hour, but have never met.....

I arranged to meet her after work last week at a pub, and she told me that she would need to bring her 12 year old child too. I cancelled and said we'd rearrange.
I have not messaged her much since, but she tried calling me after midnight the other day. My phone is on slilent after 10pm.

She messaged yesterday, asking me how Monday was, and I replied a couple of hours later and said "not great, had an awful meeting" & "how was your day?"
She replied asking if I wanted to chat, and I said it was late and I needed to sleep. Put my phone down and went to bed......woke up to this!!!

What the FUCK !!!!

OMFG! Wide swerve. Bloody matey, no respect for you or your personal boundaries.

Also, I would review your WhatsApp settings so nobody can see when you were last active, and you can’t see theirs. Much better privacy :)

JaquiRussell · 03/09/2024 08:18

Oh my goodness!! @Dauntedbydating
Thank for you sharing that, really puts stuff into perspective.

I found what I thought was a fantastic connection with a Mr Jimknut. Comms were intense and extremely regular, which is my preference. Until the Friday night before we were due to first meet. I could see my 2 calls going unanswered despite being online, my messages being ignored, then read at a reasonable time for him to have replied. So I thought he'd ghosted me, I bid him fair well. When he called me out on this and said I were being childish so refused to meet me now anyway. When I simply mentioned I saw the time he'd read my messages (ticks went blue) and by not responding I'd assumed he'd gone ghost. He said I sounded like a psycho and blocked me!
It really, really hurt and I was shocked.

But now I see this from this lady, I'm not surprised he was worried. I had no idea some ladies were quite so unhinged!!
Definitely block her @Dauntedbydating in your phonebook too if you saved her number into your contacts

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 08:28

I had blocked her on Whatsapp and unmatched on Hinge when I saw that.
Will also try and block her number on my phone.
She knows where I work 😳

ElleintheWoods · 03/09/2024 08:59

@Dauntedbydating no wonder you’re daunted by dating! Clearly her wanting to bring her child was just the start 😳 Lucky escape.

I would save all these screenshots + Hinge ones just in case she acts on her words in any way.

On the other date, I think maybe the word choice ‘making love’ was a bit much. It can be a bit loaded for some people. But end of the day, you were just not compatible at the time.

Last time had sex with someone new, I felt like they handled it perfectly. They told me to text when I got home safe and went ‘I really enjoyed tonight, you were so beautiful’ or something like that. Then message good morning the following morning and continue communicating the usual way, a bit of flirting.

I think that if women are dating for a relationship, after sex they probably want a) to know the sex was enjoyed by both b) not feel like there’s been a change in the dynamics after the sex.

Privacy-wise, maybe I’m crazy but I don’t tell anyone I don’t know well my full passport name, my exact place of work, names of family/ friends, or where I live. I’ve noticed some men do that with ease even before meeting, send pics of their house etc. What if I turn out to be like your ‘date’? Having had experiences with stalkers etc, I’m very careful not to enable anyone to easily find me IRL, and feel like maybe others should be, too.

MeAgainAndAgain · 03/09/2024 10:16

@Dauntedbydating oh my goodness, what the heck is all that? Was she drunk? Id be tempted to report that somewhere. It’s unhinged. If a man did that to a woman I’d definitely speak to the police.

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 12:51

MeAgainAndAgain · 03/09/2024 10:16

@Dauntedbydating oh my goodness, what the heck is all that? Was she drunk? Id be tempted to report that somewhere. It’s unhinged. If a man did that to a woman I’d definitely speak to the police.

Well....as a result of all that she has been "Un-Hinged"!! 😂
Un-whatsapped too.
My red-flag radar is usually pretty poor, but even I spotted this one!
18 missed calls at 6am, just glad my phone was on do not disturb, because it's a bit disturbing!

SnugCoralFinch · 03/09/2024 16:29

Dauntedbydating · 03/09/2024 06:55

No, I definately wasn't suggesting settling down, or holidays or anything like that. I merely said...
"I had such a nice time with you last night.
I loved kissing and making love to you
You're a very attractive sexy woman"

She replied the following day saying that she had had a nice time on our dates, but wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship.

If someone sent me that I would massive get the ick and I think a lot of women would - the making love part to be specific 😅 I personally would be very turned off by it.

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