Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Online dating is so different to how it was pre-COVID. At least then people seemed less flakey and less fickle. Men were desperate to get you off the app and meet up in real life and at least you had half a chance of actually meeting someone.

It’s mad how much it’s changed. I am finding it rather draining and half the time I can’t be arsed to make an effort because they just disappear.

I have matched with someone else though and we’ve shared a few messages and he seems keen to meet up as soon as possible to see if there’s a spark. Fingers crossed I can actually get this one to a date stage!

Am still grappling with all this as where I live, and with my social and sporting life, I do meet a lot of men in the ‘wild’. Surely -just meet soon -no stakes coffee etc and see what the vibe is? I have a friend in another town who intensively’interviews’ by text/phone/video before meeting -why?

In theory would you keep seeing them for longer to see who is really a good fit?

I’m in a similar situation and finding very difficult to cut people off before something is properly advanced and I’m quite sure I want to go with that person. But also feel guilty as I think at least one of them is quite into me, making plans for the next few months etc.

@LittleFloatingGhost sounds like you have some properly viable options which is great!

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle how did your date from the other day go?

I have been saying to myself for ages that I need to take a proper break. My hinge subscription ran out but I've stayed on for free. For anyone who is thinking of signing up to hinge, don't. There is barely any difference, only thing is that if you pay you can see everyone who likes you. But really not worth it having done both.

So last night I paused my hinge profile but I also signed up to match ages ago but hated it so stopped using it. Thought I'd paused that profile as well. Logged back on last night with the intention of deleting it and had loads of likes and some messages although I was sure I had paused it. Two of which were potentially viable so messaged both back and both have quickly suggested meeting up.

Which for me is very positive as have had a series of flakey pen pal only situations and cannot be doing with more endless messaging scenarios. I can't usually focus on more than one at a time but I'm going to try with these two and make plans to meet both for a coffee and try not to get too anxious about it!

@ElleintheWoods I was speaking to my sister about this yesterday and she said just keep seeing them until you know which one you want to be your boyfriend.

It’s really hard - I see where you’re coming from too. I did sleep with Mr Bank when we met, but that’s not properly advanced for me yet - or him. My sister said it was none of their business who you’re sleeping (safely!) with until you both want to be exclusive - I guess at that time I’ll want to be with one not the others.

@ElleintheWoods I guess the person who is making plans isn’t up there?

@Mckittens i totally agree re Hinge - it’s awful. Match was better and even Bumble 🤣

@Mckittens It went well. We have a lot in common but far too much in common and seem to talk over each other a bit lol We are still in contact, we had drinks then went and had some food but I don't know really what else to say to be honest.

@ElleintheWoods - so glad to hear things are going well! Keep us all updated!
I would just be a bit wary of someone who is already making plans months ahead in the very early stages. I dated an absolute narcissists last year who was forcing “relationship vibes” early on, planning holidays in a few months time and then more or less disappeared after a few months.

Oh it’s not super early with him, we have know each other almost a year. We went on a few dates that went really well as we met but he had to go abroad with work for 6 months so we decided to call it a day but stayed in touch. So since he’s been back he has cautiously tried to rekindle it. They’re not big plans either, more like ‘I’d like to go to the theatre in November, would you be interested in this? Ok I’m getting tickets’ So nothing very intense.

@LittleFloatingGhost I feel like I’m very compatible with the man above in terms of interests and lifestyle, we’d make a great couple on paper.

However I feel very intense chemistry with someone else who on paper may be a bit less compatible. It’s a bit difficult to date him as we work together but looks like it’s happening now!

There’s also another few guys in the background so frankly I feel a bit worried about making the wrong choice by deciding on someone early on and cutting the others.

Ive only ever dated one guy at the time previously and have had strong feelings for them even before dating so this is all new to me, being single and having multiple guys to consider simultaneously.

Can you relate @LittleFloatingGhost ? Did you say you were looking to make some decisions last night?

I'm also in the team of meet over coffee/ a drink soon, rather than keep chatting to a stranger, which in my view is riskier (it could be anyone). I have had quite a lot of dates but I like meeting new people so it's been quite interesting.

In an ideal world I’d chat for an evening, maybe 10/20 messages, then meet in the next few days for a 45 minute coffee. Then another few daylight low key meetings, eg coffee, walk around a busy park, pub at lunchtime for a plate of chips, that sort of thing. All the messaging in the world won’t come close to an hour or two face to face.

@MeAgainAndAgain it totally makes sense to do it that way if people are fairly local to each other with relatively flexible schedules. But how many people have that? Between work, children and if you also god forbid live in the countryside driving somewhere for an hour and back to see someone for an hour can seem like an impossible luxury.

So I can see how some people as @VanillaSox mentioned upthread her friend checks people out extensively beforehand because you can go to all that effort and then know the person is wrong at first sight. A video call or sometimes a phone call could have made it clear without the need to meet at all…

@Day99 @RadiantRainbow @MeAgainAndAgain Probably wise to meet fairly soon. However, when I used to online date, I wanted to make sure that the person and I were on the same wavelength, so I certainly did want to chat to them quite a lot about their hobbies, interests, job, general lifestyle etc. I'd only really want to meet up with someone who I find very interesting and where conversation on text really flows, messages are paragraph-long etc.

One may say that someone may be a bad texter and great in person, but I don't want a bad texter. I like to express myself in writing and stay in touch with friends or a partner via text, so being a good writer and consistent at texting is a must. People may have different comms preferences but I certainly fall in love largely via the medium of text, I love getting a text from someone I'm interested in. Usually I'd have 1-2 evenings a week free and before I go on a date with someone, I'd like to be at a point where I know it'll be an interesting evening at the very least if I don't fancy them, as more likely than not I won't fancy them, so...

So I'd probably want to converse 4-5 days and get to know them properly before meeting. I've only been on 5 online dates but they were all good and I enjoyed the company of the men at least as friends.

@ElleintheWoods I have been following the thread, are you the person who is senior at work and really like a career driven person who is more junior, but you have been to lunch?

I can relate as you want to make the right choice, but this is something that you ought to do more with your heart. Your head does play a part, but how do they make you feel?

I have a second date with Mr TV today, and yesterday he messaged me saying how he keeps looking at my profile pictures and has no interest in speaking to anyone else. I freaked out as we met once and I’m wasn’t sure. It felt like a lot to have cards on the table that quickly. I replied that it was too soon for me to know. I felt bad and it also put me off our second date. I have been considering cancelling ever since.

I guess you go with your gut and the right choice will be made.

Reading back my own advice, I am going to cancel my second date.

@LittleFloatingGhost yes that’s me, guilty 😊 It’s progressed to a point now where we’ve admitted interest in each other and swapped numbers etc.

I’d just like to get to know Mr WorkCrush as a person as people can be different at work and outside. In terms of the incompatibilities, I think he may still live a bit of an ‘out with the boys on weekends’ lifestyle whereas I’m quite a health freak. He’s also implied a few times I’m a bit of a princess compared to him. I previously dated someone that came from a very poor background and really loved him but it was challenging as he kept rubbing it in, and I’m afraid of a repeat of that.

But these are things I need to find out, not imagine how he might or might not be. All I know is that being near him makes me feel like I’m 16 again. With other men conversation is really easy and relaxed whereas with him we’re both quite nervous and even eye contact can be difficult - which can be both good and bad!

Do you think Mr TV was expressing his genuine feelings too eagerly or trying to win favour with you? I feel like some men think women love hearing things like that and it helps them progress the relationship? I met an interesting good-looking man in the wild last week. We swapped numbers, and he soon started texting about how amazing I was etc. Very intense. It really put me off! I just don’t buy that kind of intensity after meeting once.

Hi, I saw a guy, let's call him "Mr Flat" as he works in property. Anyway date one... attractive, well dressed, but honestly a bit dull then he perked up and it got better. Asks me for a second date and rather than write if off I agree... he's on holiday and messaging but he is so boring, also bloody clueless. Seems to be on a trip where he has no idea about what he's doing (and it's in the UK), constantly bigs up his "business" and the meetings he does on zoom (and look naff), and can't write any banter , but sends really shite videos of views. I don't want to see him again, but don't want to ruin his holiday and I think it's rude to not reply but he's so tedious ...

Sometimes you have to explore these things! I met someone last year and we had a ‘situation-ship’ for six months on and off. We had insane chemistry, loads in common, but conversation stilted at times and we were sexually incompatible. I still get butterflies if I come across his profile or a Facebook recommendation, even though we don’t work, and wouldn’t. I personally don’t buy into insane chemistry anymore, I avoid it as it’s never worked out for me 😂

I don’t know with Mr TV, most men I date make it clear they want a second date but it’s always on the spot and in person, meaning I back track afterwards as I need to reflect…

The biggest concern I have with Mr TV is his ability to read a room. He clearly put his cards on the table as thought I’d reciprocate, he had said throughout first date he really wants to see me again. He told me he googled me and is impressed by what I have done, so is it how I look and achievements rather than me as a person?

He is less career orientated than previous partners, and I wonder if that’s a thing for me? There are a few other things I wanted to know and currently unsure of…

@Rosiecidar You’re very considerate, but after one date, I’d just say you’re not feeling it, you won’t ruin his holiday.

@LittleFloatingGhost It's just really nice, I get huge butterflies when he's nearby, and can't concentrate and seek him out when I see him move about the room. When I first saw him in the office, I actually messaged a good friend as a bit of banter and said 'help, there's a guy sitting outside my office and he's exactly my type' 😂I think I mentioned in previous posts that it was around the same time that he started contacting me on work messenger. So so far it's kind of a sweet story, seems like genuine mutual attraction and hoping to catch each others' eye, which is lovely. I'd like to be more professional but he makes me feel like a little giggly school girl and that's quite embarrassing!

I think the coversation is stilted because I have a proper crush on him and worry about saying something wrong, or flirting too much at work without knowing whether it's wanted - I can be quite forward. He made me a coffee the other day, and gave it me while we had very intense eye contact and got totally lost in the moment - so lost he spilt the coffee all over me 😂My male friends say that if they have a proper crush on a woman, they would be nervous and cagey around them and probably acting awkward as they don't want to mess up - so seems like that's exacly what's happening. He has messaged me to apologise about the awkwarness a couple of times - again, sweet. It's all a bit Hugh Grant 2000s romcom at the moment.

So in about 7 days from now I will either a) be over my crush and realise that we're actually really different people or b) we'll have relaxed around each other a bit - maybe we just need to kiss to release some of that tension!

Sorry for the long post but this is pretty much my outlet to get all these really intense feelings out. I know they're not exactly rational and I've rarely felt like this about anyone, especially not really knowing them. In the other cases of intense chemistry, there have been major barriers, so it's exciting that we're both single, live near each other, and seem to have common ground.

@Rosiecidar Oh dear, he sounds like a bt of a 'type'. Thinks he can impress women with his 'property guy' persona and achievements, but lacks real personality underneath it, does that sound about right? Like @LittleFloatingGhost said, I'm sure he'll be ok. Either let it fizzle out or just tell him, it's been one date, at this stage the 'failure rate' is expected to be high.

@LittleFloatingGhost Mr TV sounds a bit intense/ wears his heart on his sleeve. I'm guessing you're more of a grounded person? I've experienced similar with people 'googling me and being impessed' and that just makes things weird, it creates a barrier. I'm sure many peple do that, but just keep it to yourself if you do, right? Some women would probably like it but I find it too much.

Are you quite career oriented and would like similar in a partner? What are the qualities that you're looking for?

I've definitely identified that I like a bit of a chase, too, if a man says things like Mr TV has said right away and seems too into me, it puts me off. Even if it's someone I like a lot, it sets alarm bells ringing. Do you find it hard to trust someone that appears too attached too quickly?

@ElleintheWoods I think I understand your last point fully. I dont know if I am attracted to mister thursday night but we are still talking the thing is I now don't think he is attracted to me at all and now I do want to see him again. God that sounds demented.

Are you a competitive person? 😂

If a man keeps me guessing whether they like me, I’m certainly more intrigued. Like I said before, I don’t like it too easy. I probably need therapy!

Im in therapy already LOL

I am not competitive at all no. He has messaged me as consistantly as before we met up but I dont know, no mention of going out again or anything. By now they are normally in love with me 😅

@ElleintheWoods yes indeed. I think he thinks telling me he has a networking meeting is impressive....erm but is just quite naff. Will let it fizzle out and gently say no...

Ok see maybe I do fancy him and maybe its not just cos he seems to be playing it cool. I mean he hasnt stopped messaging but also still not said anything other than our normal day to day chat but I think I could quite happily get naked with him. Whether that is because it has been far too long or because I am attracted to him I do not know.