Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@JH20000 same, I get so anxious before meeting someone new. I actually said that to him in the course of messaging, not in a serious oh I've got such bad anxiety way but we were just talking about the concept of online dating generally and I did say I get anxious before each date but just get on with it kind of chat and it's never as bad as you think it will be ( aware this is debatable 😆)

Probably that comment which sowed the seeds in terms of what excuse to use.

I'm back to taking a hard line with the early block and deleting.

@FriendsWithBiscuits I don't think we should place any age restrictions on ourselves, why shouldn't you give it a go. There will certainly be older women looking too. I'm in my 50's and I recently matched with a guy in his 60's who sounded really interesting from his profile. It didn't go anywhere as although he was keen to meet his actual messages were very self absorbed, not reciprocal at all and my tolerance for that is low so I unmatched but I didn't rule him out initially on the basis of age.

As you have already found lots of useful advice within these threads and the rules at the beginning of each thread although seemingly very simple do really sum up the important basic principals to always bear in mind as it's a bit of minefield to say the least!

Morning, I had taken a back seat and stopped dating/using the apps in April. Started again in July and had a few dates - but I noticed something about Bumble, which may help with likes/matches.

Bumble uses filters, so if someone says they don’t want to see smokers, you’ll only see the profiles where someone has explicitly said they’re not a smoker. I don’t know why I did this, but I removed all of my filters bar age, as that’s a constant for everyone. Well, Bumble showed me a lot more men and ‘likes’. So many men don’t put in the filter fields if they have kids, their intentions, smokers etc. but it may be in the text - or photo!

If you want to remove those filters from your profile you just need to edit, select the field and press skip. It will remove the option and won’t be visible on your profile (also removed my job title too!).

This does mean that you’ll see people who aren’t compatible and takes a little longer, but I wouldn’t have found some profiles otherwise and have a date next week!

So.....I matched with a lady and have been messaging for a couple of weeks.
We were planning to meet this week at a gastro pub local to her.
She has suggested that she might bring her 12 year old son along....if I don't mind!

Thoughts?

Dauntedbydating Ooh I don't know about that! I'm sure the date would be fine, he'd probably sit quietly on his phone/wishing that he was somewhere else

But I wouldn't like it personally on a first date. This other Forum that I'm on though, there are often stories on there of people bringing their kids on first dates (although I think they are usually younger)

LittleFloatingGhost Good luck on your date
I'm having no luck at all on Bumble this time, I've got age & distance as a filter. Most of the profiles have me rolling my eyes practically right out of my head
This morning under 'I get exited about' one had answered 'boobs'.

@dauntedbydating I'd say no thanks, can we reschedule to a more suitable date? Did she explain why she wants to bring them along? Poor kid being introduced to random dates. How weird!

Absolutely bloody not omg seriously? Seriously?

I have a date tonight with the guy I have been talking to for over a week. I was fine earlir and now feel sick to the pit of my stomach. So so nervous.

@ElleintheWoods - since you’ve not even been on a proper date with Mr WorkCrush, I would say enjoy going out with Mr (c) and have a discussion about values, long term goals etc. if you are aligned you can then decide whether to pursue something more serious with him.
Has any time outside of work materialised with Mr WorkCrush?

Is this your first date from the apps? I remember feeling like this on my first one. I wrote down a list of talking points/questions, in case I went blank, so I could refer to them in the loo. Didn't need to do that, because it was perfectly fine. I don't get nervous at all now.

Good luck! If they make you feel uncomfortable or you're not enjoying it, it's ok to make excuses and leave. I wish I had done that with a few instead of staying out of politeness.

@occhiazzurri Yes I agree. We are quite aligned with Mr C (both enjoy each others company but don’t want to rush into any big commitments). We’re texting all the time and seem to really get each other, which is nice. Also making plans to attend things we both enjoy together.

However I do feel a little guilty as I merely like him, whereas I’m absolutely losing my mind over Mr WorkCrush.

And yes 😊 A lot has happened with him this week. We’ve swapped numbers, told each other we are really attracted to each other but have been afraid to act, and would like to get to know one another better. Have a couple of things planned over the next 7 days and I’m really, really excited. I’m obviously ready for disappointment as well as I really don’t know him that well but genuinely excited.

I would mind. I would ask her to suggest another time when she is free or alternatively just not bother as it's weird.

I would say this is a surely a red flag. It wouldn't occur to me that anyone would suggest bringing their kid on a first date or even for one moment enter my head to think I would take one of mine. It's unthinkable that I would do that. It would take me months before I would even consider introducing my kids to a new partner. Poor kid.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle hope you feeling a bit better/ less anxious. I still get really nervous and I've been on too many now to keep count! But mostly it isn't nearly as bad as I have thought and as @marplemead has said if it doesn't feel good just get out there.

I don’t think a person who is prepared to bring their child on a date with a stranger who could be anyone is great tbh 😅 wonder how often he experiences this too. I don’t think it’s nice at all.

Thanks, I did think it was pretty odd.
I have suggested we try for another day.
I would not be introducing anyone to my children before I was certain that a relationship had legs.

@NervesOfCotton Thanks! This isn’t the first one…

Mr Bank I met last Sunday and really liked him (second date with him on Tuesday - cons are he lives a distance away), met Mr TV on Monday (second date with him this weekend - cons are that there’s just something I can’t put my finger on and hoping a second date helps, as he may have been nervous) and Mr Local, have a first date with him on Thursday - he really makes me laugh and no cons just yet.

Will need to make a decision on Friday what I want to do as they are all lovely and attractive!

@Dauntedbydating that would make me really uncomfortable… I’d cancel and probably wouldn’t reschedule without a really valid reason. Also, at 12, surely they can be left alone for a few hours?

@NervesOfCotton I am fully caught up, weird the train guy unmatched. Just rude!

Did you match with the boob guy?! Why do people write stuff like that?

LittleFloatingGhost No, I unmatched him. He just seemed utterly uninterested when it came to the travel plans. I did send a last message telling him why but I'm never sure if they go through or not when you unmatch, unless you see that they are 'typing' a response.

Oh & once you've decided who to go for out of uours, then send the other ones my way, will you? I can never get a date anymore, I can barely get a chat going

@NervesOfCotton ah, I
misunderstood. Seems sensible. I usually say I’m going to un-match and leave it a day, they have usually done it before I do.

Sure thing! Lol.

Matched with someone, conversation flowing and it seemed to get to the point of arranging a date. I mention that I’m divorced and have been for years and he says he doesn’t want to date someone who has been married and unmatched me.
Ok 😂

Wow how old is he? Surely dating after a certain age it’s reasonable to expect many people will have been married?!

I haven’t and I’m 34, but many guys in my age range are divorced. Seems a weird criteria to me 🤷‍♀️😅

He was in his 40s.
I’ve brushed it off as there’s no point being upset over an unmatch but I thought we had been getting on alright. I was enjoying the chat with him and then boom, he’s gone.

Online dating is so so fickle and flakey.

Yes it is - I fully expect it to be so.

I just cba with it, constant filtering out of weirdos etc. If I meet someone it will be out somewhere, although I’ve more chance of winning the lottery I think and I don’t play it 😂