Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

People don't change, they just usually hide who they are at the start, or more probably, we see what we want to see until the scales finally fall from our eyes and we see what they are and always have been.

Initially it was his vulnerability and attraction. The guy is charming and dangerous. Now obviously having come to my senses, it was weird that he was that open and vulnerable with me in the first place.

He has a pattern, same old routine with different women, likely says the same exact thing to each one. We'd been talking for a while and were due to meet months ago, never happened (possibly a blessing), and then met each other for the 1st time last month and in that time 5 dates. So not invested, just feel stupid.

It's rinse and repeat with guys like him. A total waste of time I've had one. Now I see that kind of behavior as time to run.

Any guy who tells you all this truama stuff is being manipulative and trying to make you feel sorry for him so you'll put with with his shit behavior. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Well i opened the hinge acount and had said a week which I even wrote on the bio so I did indeed delete it exactly to the day i said i would. I am still chatting to the one guy I bothered to respond to though and really enjoying our chats if you can call them that. We had a 3 hour phone call over the weekend as between him working and me parenting we decided to hold off meeting in person till we had the space to do so. The banter is so refreshing and he reponds as soon as he reads even if we have opposing time schedules currently so he has been a wonderful distraction on an anniversary type weekend I was actually dreading.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle 3 hour phone call!! Sounds interesting. Don’t think I’ve ever had a 3h phone call with anyone in my entire life 😊 At least sounds like he is more than able to keep a conversation going!

Do you live close to each other? Why the opposite schedules, unusual working hours?

It was a rarity for both of us as both adhd diagnosed so usually a phone conversation is a no go but we had texted that much we both had sore thumbs lol It was a must.

Yeah I am a usual 9-5r and he does shift but also the weekend that was in it i wouldnt have gone andmet up with anyone anyway so when he wakes up from his nightshift sleep we can make a plan for maybe later this week. No rush I guess. Not too far maybe a half hour drive from each other.

Had an interesting weekend for want of a better word.
Spent the past week branching out from my age brackets and speaking to Mr Young, 36 and Mr Older, 52. For context I'm 38

Mr Older was incredibly intentional from the jump and as working in sales and recruitment was putting himself to work. Making it extremely obvious that he was looking for a relationship, needed a partner to travel with. How he was good with intuition and he knew we'd hit it off and he'd be joining me to my trip to Croatia in October, as he couldn't possibly holiday alone as he wants to do everything with a partner. But once together I'd never have to worry about the cost of purchasing a holiday ever again. Selling the dream right?!

Mr Younger and I, rather than intense back and forth. Would chat causally about if we were to open a coffee shop which cake we'd make would be more popular. How donkeys can manage altitude on his recent trek in Peru, yet humans struggle. I knew nothing of what he was looking for from a relationship nor his past relationship history.

Saturday comes, Mr Younger and I go on a 2 hour walk in the torrential rain. We don't stop talking yet I couldn't tell you a thing we spoke about, but we kept catching one anothers eyes when we looked up from under our rain coat hoods. Kept bumping into each other, or I found myself grabbing his arm from time to time. We hug goodbye, I kiss him on the cheek. I text thank you, he replies the same.

Sunday, I've got on an incredibly expensive brand new dress. This date, the drowned rat look won't cut it. Mr Older immediately starts telling me how nervous he is. But yet how he's started planning our second date and will be looking up flights to Croatia. He starts again how even on BH Monday he'll be visiting his parents as he can't bare to be alone. I tell him as he enjoys running to join a club, make friends, holiday with them even. Why bother he says, I'll be in Croatia with you. But yet apparently I'm hard to read, my arms are folded. I did not want Mr Older to even touch the back of my hand to see whether I were cold from sitting outside. He hugs me goodbye, I'm numb. He texts before I've even left the town we met in, I'm hard to tell if I'm keen but he is and really wants to meet again. I tell him I don't think we have a connection but wish him well. The texts stop immediately, it's the first time my phone has not been constantly bleeping since we matched.

I text Mr Young, he confirms he'd like to take me out Friday night. I still have no idea what he wants or if he wants a relationship.

The guilt is crippling though and the fear of, why did I involuntarily cease up with Mr Older.
I've always seen myself as an Anxious Attachment style but after only 3/4 months of OLD and listening to relationship podcasts have I morphed into an Avoidant?!??

I'm so confused and feel so guilty. Plus it would have been nice to have company in Croatia.

@JaquiRussell I dont think you are an avoidant I think he is suffocating. Even reading that post I got the ick myself. I want to be with a man who wants to be with me but not take over my life either. I also think he is part bullshitter part gaslighter to be honest. I got creeped out reading that and I am or have been the same as you and always felt i was the anxious one but maybe we learn from our mistakes.

@JaquiRussell - given the 14 age difference, Mr Old probably couldn’t believe his luck that you agreed to go out with him and was obviously too keen. Despite what people may say it is not that common unless you are extremely wealthy. I personally struggle to find people 10-15 years older attractive (unless you are a famous Hollywood actor).
Good luck with Mr Young! Perhaps you can initiate some light touching/trading to see if you both relax a bit more next time you meet.

@JaquiRussell agree with @Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle, Mr Older sounds really full-on. Becoming fixated on the idea of going on holiday with someone he hasn’t even met yet? I’ve met a couple of men like that and found them off-putting even if they had good qualities. It’s not being avoidant, it’s called having two feet on the ground and not going along with someone who sounds a bit lonely becoming immediately obsessed with you. Sounds a bit lovebomby…

Good luck with the other guy though, sounds like a first date to remember and like you might mutually fancy one another

Mr older sounds super creepy. A love bomber who thought he'd found his old age nurse.

Mr older freaks me out. It's just not genuine. He's future faking already massive red flag. Bullet dodged.

Can someone please tell men to stop referencing "going on an adventure" in their bios. It's SO cringey and how I speak to my 4 year old 😅

Not had any luck so far. I've had quite a few matches, no conversation has gone past a couple interactions... I'm mainly ignored 🙈

Think I might give tinder another whirl 🫠

@hello33sunshine made me chuckle 😂

Right... I think I need to calm down but I'm on a roll... I just realise sooner or later I have to choose and everything is happening at once!

a) Mr WorkCrush seems to still be viable, in fact some jokes were made at work last week about him having a crush on me which made him blush. He's a very confident and suave man, but seems to become clumsy and nervous around me - last week, he made me a cup of coffee and spilt it on me, followed by blurting out words that made no sense in the situation! On Friday he took me for lunch again. It's just strange how 'on the edge' he seems when I'm around. I get nervous around him too, physically get butterflies when I set eyes on him. It's lovely to feel this way again. Part of me genuinely thinks he's a bit scared of me as opposed to wanting to impress me 😂It'd be a slow burner but seems like our mutual friends are organising things to get us to spend time together and I'd really like to get to know him better and see whether the insane physical chemistry and interesting conversations could lead to more.

b) Been on a great date with Mr NewYork, because of where he lives a long-term relationship is unlikely but I enjoy his company, and kissing someone who is very attractive and a good kisser - in the middle of a busy London street! I could see it going further very soon, but I'm in no rush to sleep with anyone.

c) I've also been on dates with someone who on paper could be a great long-term partner. He's attractive, smart, lots of common interests, in a good place to start dating someone, and we get on really well. I like being around him, it feels natural and comfortable, just don't feel that same chemical rush as I do with Mr WorkCrush.

I don't know what to do! It's really between a and c, with b potentially being a quick fix.

Any advice @SamW98 @occhiazzurri?

Sorry I'm off topic here, but is anyone else having this where when I'm swiping on Tinder, it says the user 'likes you,'

I've not got Tinder Gold or any of the premium so just checking this is a normal feature?

As in before you swipe on them.

Yes I've got this as well and I'm not paying anything

Hi everyone, hope you don’t mind me jumping onto this thread.

Dipped my toe back into OLD and it’s been a bit of a disaster.

Matched with someone and we seemed to get on very well. Lots of chat, swapped numbers, phone calls etc. We had agreed to meet tonight for a couple of drinks.

He spun me the ‘I’ve told friends about you’ line which should have screamed red flag for BS.

He sent a text this morning saying he’s having to cancel because he’s too anxious to date and only realised it last night.

Feeling a little disappointed but noticing that a lot of men nowadays use the ‘too anxious to date’ line whenever they cancel. The man before him did the exact same thing.

Did shed a tear in the loos at work because it’s so frustrating. Why are they on bloody dating apps if they’re too nervous to meet anyone!

Oh @JH20000 I am sorry he turned out to have been a flake!
I completely understand how frustrated you feel. All these people using dating apps for the validation now social media has been been around long enough even my Mother would be able to spot a thirst trap post when she saw one!!

It takes the whole excitement out of it doesn't it, as you just end up poised waiting for the next sign that he's simply full of it. That heightened fear of falling for someone, replaced with fear of falling for BS.

If it's any consolation, you're not alone and it's nothing specifically about you, or the people you match with.
This is dating in 2024, what a time to be alive/ alone 🤣😭

@JaquiRussell couldnt have said it better myself

Thanks

I was online dating years ago and feel it’s completely different now. At least back then men would actually meet with you. It just seems to be one big ego boost for them nowadays with no intention of pursuing anything face to face.

It’s pissed me off as last night he was saying how much he was looking forward to meeting, less than 12 hours later he’s too anxious to meet. Can’t make it up!!

Thinking back, I’ve been in and out of online dating for a little while now and I would say in the past few months I’ve had 5 men all do the same thing, pretend they like me, give me a load of BS about wanting a relationship blah blah blah and then cancelling the dates with minimum notice citing anxiety and ‘being too nervous to date’.

I’m at a loss working out what’s going on here. I am so worried it’s me causing this but I’m not sure how.

@JH20000 this exact same thing has happened to me really recently, chatted loads for over a week, got on really well, felt a connection and genuinely felt hopeful. I had been concerned that he hadn't been single very long and I did raise that with him but there were other extenuating circumstances which meant I decided to go with the flow rather than an early block and delete. Date confirmed day before, he'd even asked me the night before what I would want to drink in case he arrived first. Morning of 'date' messages citing anxiety, etc v similar to your experience.

I have to say probably naively at the time I took it at face value. I did point out to him at the get go that it was too early to be on a dating app. Just So cross with myself for not ummatching immediately and now for taking what he had said at the end at face value as if you've had that experience numerous times feels like a script/ bullshit. He had said during the lead up to it how much he had been looking forward to meeting etc so was a total 360.

To all you other lovely lot, I've not been posting as I only have dating misery to add to the chat just now but felt I should reply to you as sounds identical. V sorry it's happened to you multiple times but as @JaquiRussell says it's absolutely nothing to do with you but totally get that it's hard to fully believe that in the moment.

Genuinely super glad to hear some of you are having more luck than me.

Ah sorry to hear it’s happened to you too! Seems to be the new thing to use as an excuse. Whilst I understand some people do experience dating anxiety there’s no way that multiple men consecutively have it! I think it’s a good way to get out of a date as they know I won’t question it!

The irony is that I have pretty bad anxiety but push through it to be able to meet new people…!!

Advice wanted re online dating. I'm a man...an old man I suppose; just retired at 66. Of course I don't feel old...not in my head but that truth is slowly dawning on me! I've found this thread intriguing, interesting and full of common sense. Perhaps I'm more likely to get straight answers here.

Is there an online dating platform that actually works for older men and women...or is that unrealistic. I'm long separated form a long relationship and, though my ex and I remain great friends and look out for each other, I do miss companionship and of course the physical closeness. All my previous relationships, both short and long term, only ever resulted from real life encounters. Is there any mileage in the online thing for me...be honest even if your answers are cruel. I'm looking for someone around my age...not necessarily the 'love of my life', but someone bright, who makes me laugh and is enthusiastic... I suppose a 'friend with biscuits' who is occasionally passionate. I'm not lonely, far from it, but the recent end of my intense working life means I'm increasingly likely to become so. Is there anybody here over the age of 60 who has used OLD sites successfully, and if so which ones? And what the hell do I put in that dreaded profile?