Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Something I notice on Hinge. (I am only on that at the moment) is that I keep seeing profiles that I think I have liked before.

Is that a thing? I don't want to send multiple likes to someone who is disinterested!

Hinge seems to give me about 3 likes a day and invariably it holds back profiles that I am more likely to want to connect with until I have used the last like...then with no "likes" left the next profile is one I do like but can't like..... iyswim!
It then takes me to an upgrade page

The next day....that profile is nowhere to be seen!

Hinge, and the others are a massive con!

Well I am talking to a bloke from hinge since yesterday. We moved to whatsapp yesterday evening and it was the single funniest conversation I have ever had. He is also ND!

Great start then!
Hope it works out

Well he has proposed to me so I think he might like me lol
Ah look a bit of craic anyway. Will see how it goes.

@Dauntedbydating has Hinge changed? I was on there in spring and there seemed to be a fair amount of available likes for free? Or do you mean the 'roses' i.e. superlikes? Found Hinge surprising in the sense that I didn't see any features there I'd be interested in paying for...

In terms of my updates, I don't think I'm going to continue pursuing Mr WorkCrush. As a senior director, even if he isn't in my chain of command, he will likely still feel pressured to 'be nice', even if he isn't actually interested. He is displaying the classic signs of being into me, but equally I've flirted with him quite overtly last few days and he has just gone a bit red/giggly as opposed to flirting back. I'm just worried about 'consent' or crossing a line. I think it's only appropriate to pursue it if there's enthusiastic consent.

What do you think @occhiazzurri?

Instead I've been on out with someone else I already know and I know he's been into me a while, so giving it a shot. We are highly compatible and he's nice. I'm also seeing Mr NewYork over the weekend. He lives away but we've been out before when he's been in town and to be frank maybe I just need someone to take the edge off at the moment, without any LTR potential.

@ElleintheWoods - if you’ve not had any opportunity to spend time outside of work, I think it is very tricky territory. He may equally be unsure of whether to pursue things given your different levels of seniority. I wouldn’t discount the potential altogether!
Great news regarding the other dates, sounds like you are enjoying dating, which is so refreshing!

@occhiazzurri thanks for coming back to me :) I am a bit upset by it but I'm also aware I need to 'set the standard' at work and know it's 'the right thing'. I'd be mortified if he's just going along with it to not close any professional doors.

I've spoken to my guy mates I've previously worked with and they say guys are generally intimidated by me because I am senior and come across very strong, but also look traditionally attractive. So the general assumption seems to be that I'm partnered up or would only date men of a certain status, and a 'normal' guy wouldn't have a chance.

Suppose I'm enjoying the outings with the other guys as I'm not putting any pressure on it, just meeting for drinks/ dinner and having a nice chat. I know them both a while so it feels safe.

Both of these guys are probably the sort of person that people would imagine me dating, but the truth is I feel a bit uneasy about dating a well-off slightly older guy. It's the power imbalance. The one that's on my mind is the 'normal' younder guy from work, he's just caught my eye with something and we've been getting on great until I didn't get the expected response when trying to progress this.

Writing this, it seems like I have a number of psychological things going on regarding choosing who to date! Wanting to be the one in charge/ in control and 'forbidden fruit' certainly come to mind.

Sorry guys I need to rant, I’m so angry at myself.
Been on 3 dates with this guy. Really liked him, slept with him, and now he’s ignoring me .

When I tell you the love-bombing was really in such a short space of time I’m not exaggerating.

I feel gutted and mad at myself for being so stupid.

He’s been active on the apps and ignored my messages.

@gonnanamechange4this Do not for a second feel stupid! Not a second
How on earth were you supposed to know that this "man" was going to do that. It's utterly disgraceful behaviour, but it's on him not you.

Don't let it taint your experience up until this moment, nor let it make you bitter or paint others with the same brush. Take your experience for what it was, accept the wins as a win, the compliments and the nice dates.
Take his reaction now as nothing more than what it is, pathetic and it's on him. His loss, your win.
You were fine before him, you'll be better without him.

He's pathetic, don't worry about it x

@ElleintheWoods - sounds like it is all early days so enjoy the experience!
Food for thought though - if the people you are dating are late 30s and established/comfortable in their careers, why are they not settled? My single 30s friends have met/dated a few of those and they have concluded that there is usually a pretty good reason for a man who is established in their career/professional and single past 35. A number of those turned out to be shying away from marriage etc despite having been in long relationships or had narcissistic traits or were married to their jobs.

@occhiazzurri Indeed, you’re right.

These guys are out of first marriage/ partnership, reason being mostly because they were workaholics with lots of international travel and never home. I’m exactly in the same position myself, so I think we’re quite a fair ‘match’. It’s actually quite nice because we can discuss the reasons how it was challenging to combine our working lives with being a good/ available partner. I don’t intend to marry so for LTR someone that wants to marry wouldn’t be a good fit either.

I know I’m not for everyone as I probably match all the 3 traits you described as undesirable for your friends to date! Definitely good reasons why I’m single at 35 😁

@ElleintheWoods - That’s very interesting! Do you think Mr WorkCrush has got a sense of that and is perhaps looking for something different (ie relationship leading to marriage)? Or is it impossible to tell at all since you’ve not had any opportunity to spend time away from work? A friend of mine has a positive story of meeting someone at work- younger- but they were able to spend a fair few nights out with the team away from work and are now moving in together/looking to get married.

To all the Mumsnetters who aren’t interested in getting married/forming a couple (at all or post divorce), how are you finding dating? Are more men more likely than not interested in marriage/co-habitation?

@occhiazzurri No, we don’t know each other all that well. Conversations have mostly been about common interests and hobbies to date, family, friends etc. I’m not sure what his goals are other than being quite ambitious in his career.

I’ve been thinking about Mr WorkCrush a fair bit today and if I’ve really misread signals. I have a PA who is near 70 and she mentioned she speaks to Mr WorkCrush all the time and finds him very helpful and friendly!! So maybe he’s just being friendly and chatty and like an idiot I mistook it for interest! But some of the other behaviours like sitting close to me and touching imply attraction? I’d like to get him off my mind but can’t. The in-person time in the near future will still happen so 🤷‍♀️

Following up on that, when do ‘goals’ like marriage/ cohabitation come up in the relationship timeline? Is that something you’d discuss early or once you’re in an actual relationship?

Well I am still talking to mister ND here. He is basically me only we assume and quite frankly hope he has a penis too.

Hi everybody. I dropped off the last thread as real life stopped me dating. I've had a catch up, Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle He sounds great gonnanamechange4this, I hope you are ok. It's him, not you.

Started a new chat on Sunday, all lovely. He responds properly & it's been great. Until we start talking about meeting last night. I say to him that we can meet half way or I can go to him (as I always do) & he says 'You can come here, great. Don't know how you will get here though'. (I don't drive & I'm happy to go by train to anywhere, always, but I'm slightly miffed that he doesn't offer to come here as I tell him that I've never been there & he's been here)

So I look up the trains & I message him & say 'Trains take ages, I should have checked this before sorry' & he says 'To here?' Yes. 'Half an hour by car' right but train is saying 4 hours? 'Nah it's not' Isn't it? Ok I'll have another look 'It's not far' Ok, I'm just going by google, am I doing it wrong? It still says 4 hours 'Nah it isn't' Any time of day is saying at least 4 'Nah it isn't' Ok well I don't know. 'I recon you are getting this other place that starts with the same name. Type this'...

So i'm answering him instantly but he's taken 5 hours to type his limited responses & never once offers to come here despite me obviously struggling with the trains! He had it right, I was being sent to a similar place that starts with the same name, & the trains to his place (once I know what to call it!) take 20 mins but that whole chat has just really put me off. Just seems like he couldn't care less.

@NervesOfCotton Hmmm. He sounds frustrating… I’d probably be put off by this. I’d half expect the man to get onto the train website himself and recommend what’s the nearest stop etc. You deserve more keenness and if you’re an instant replier while he takes ages, you may have different communication styles, too.

However you say:

I say to him that we can meet half way or I can go to him.

This implies you don’t want him to come to you. If you’ve told him yourself the above is your preference, I’m not sure you can be miffed he isn’t offering to come to you.

Many women don’t have dates in their home area (me included) for a variety of reasons. So I think if you want someone to come to you, you should offer it as an option, the above statement takes it off the table.

Thank you ElleintheWoods. He said that he'd meet me in my town centre as he knows it there, so I said we could do this or we could meet at his or halfway just to be nice really, & so that it wasn't assumed that he had to come to me. I think that I just need to be clearer on this don't I!

The communication was sporadic from both of us during the day, but in the evenings (when my kids are in bed) it's been pretty much instant replies from both of us, but he changed. He could have just been busy, will never know now as he's unmatched

@ElleintheWoods - In my experience, if anyone is looking for a relationship, goals etc are brought up before you even meet on OLD or pretty quickly IRL - first few dates. If it is someone you already know organically you may already know what they are looking for so there may be no need to discuss specifically. If you are just looking to date casually/no goal of a relationship I guess then there is no need to discuss anything.

Hello everyone! 👋🏼
I was active on this thread at the start of the year, but took a much longer break then expected from OLD!
I have changed my username since I was last here and I actually can't remember what I was before 🙈

I'm looking for a long term relationship. I am in my mid thirties, previously married and I have 2 children.

I was pretty wounded around Easter time. I just fell quickly and hard for someone and it didn't work out. So this time round I'm going to do my best to concentrate on the present and not the prospects (she said!!!!).

All of my previous dates have come from tinder. So far I've signed up to bumble.... unsure whether I'll do tinder again because the profiles are always blank and it feels hard work! Will see!

Fingers crossed this time it works 🫠

I don't know if it has changed.
I seem to have three "likes" a day, but that is no longer a limiting factor as I am only being shown about three profiles. My filters are a 12 mile radius of where I live and where I work - two reasonably sized towns but 12 miles takes in a fair chunk of a city too. I tend to look at both.
I also have set a broad age range of 16 years which covers both sides of my own age.
I think I get a single rose a week.

@Dauntedbydating wow, yes I think it has changed to motivate people to get Hinge+! Think last I used it the limits were like described in this article, though I wasn’t on there long so I’m no expert: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a46898046/how-does-hinge-work/#r3z-addoor

Can you just like or can you also comment on people’s profiles? What I remember doing is seeing some lines that resonated with me and just commenting, for example ‘I love kayaking too, what are your favourite spots?’ I hope that feature is still there?! As when men sent me something like that, I definitely found it a better conversation starter than just a like, and would usually message back.

How are you finding it, seen anyone you like yet?

@hello33sunshine Yes you’re right, feel like being detached at the start is key, it was hard getting into that mindset though. I quite like the rules at the start of this thread for that.

I don’t like that though, feels like it sets me up to detach from people in general. I’m getting a little bit attached to someone right now even though we’re just talking and there’s probably no real prospects, but it’s nice feeling something and getting giddy when he messages 😊

So I've been kicking myself over the past few days now. Started liking a guy who is a walking red flag.

1. told me he gets bored of women to my face.
2. trauma-dumped on me on the 1st date.
3. never been in a long-term relationship at the age of 41.
4. clearly has a drinking problem, drinks every night he told me.
5. suspect he only dates woman in their 20's.
6. deletes and rejoins tinder.
7. he's been arrested for drink driving.
8. a woman texted him while I was sitting next to him and told him he's inconsiderate, he blocked her.

WTF happened to my common sense here. 😂This guy literally told me what he was and I still fell for it!

@newdater32 obviously this list is pretty damning! What did you like about him, and did you spend much time together? Much to cut losses-wises?

Based on many posts on MN many women have likely fallen for very inappropriate men one time or another, quite nice to realise that early rather than after the wedding!

@ElleintheWoods Interesting article.
I think that all the most interesting profiles are shown after I am out of likes. They then vanish the next day, it feels to me that it is designed to coax a subscription out of you.