Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@RadiantRainbow yes good point, my thoughts exactly, feel like many men on OLD aren’t actually in the right headspace to date.

Wouldn’t you generally rate the average Southern European man as better looking? When I’m in a room full of men, the Spanish/ Italian often stand out as really handsome and tend to be more fitness/ style/ appearance focused? I’ve dated/ known a fair few though and generally personality/ temperament/ behaviour wise I prefer British men. I guess it also depends on where you are in the UK?

More cultural differences, eg men more focused on wanting to be in a relationship, but won’t go into that for brevity’s sake.

Anyway, my relationship is quite new and the main thing I matched with someone from "up North" because they set their location as much closer, because they were due to move near me in the summer.

In the end due to work commitments it got massively delayed, and when it looked like we spend a lot of the summer together esp my child free days when my kids are with their dad, it several times got cancelled last minute and our relationship in the last month had to become more online based after I just got into the taste of what it is like to have a nice normal real life companionship.

A week I unexpectedly got free which I was supposed to be spending with the boyfriend now I will be spending completely by myself, and where in the past I probably would have used this opportunity to book a solo holiday now I know I will just feel desperately lonely going somewhere on my own when the idea was I would be doing it with a new boyfriend...so this is incredibly frustrating and actually slightly makes me want to say fuck it, I want to start again, while we are still new to each other and no proper feelings have formed.

However I know that it is just a matter of waiting till mid-September at the latest, so however upset and lost I feel at another cancellation I know I need the way to spend my unexpected free time wisely and productively, not wishing it away....

Anyway, we met on Hinge within 24 hours of me registering there after being put off from Hinge for ages by this thread actually 😏where people would say it's only for mountain climbers and kayakers etc. It was just a day of esp dire selection on Bumble and I remember feeling I need to somehow turn it into more fun because it started feeling so much like a slog/job, and I didn't think I would get anywhere positive with such attitude.

I also started wondering if I was too discerning and not giving enough men a chance because hand on heart not that many are good with words or selling themsleves or online chat, but I also realised that really charming articulate people would not necessarily make a good partner, though they usually make a good friend to hang out with.

By the way, I initially went on the apps thinking I had nothing to give and not wanting to get close to anyone properly, and wanted just companionship, but then matched with someone where it turned meaningful so quickly and felt so much more rewarding than just FWB, that I changed my mind, and even though it ultimately didn't work out again due to changing locations, I was already looking for a proper relationship potentially rather than just a guy to hang out with in my kids-free time.

So anyway, I liked Hinge WAY BETTER, just because there was no limit on how quickly you need to contact each other or reply, and also because you could see for free who liked you already, even though it was only one at a time. Also I liked the option of including your voice clip or listening to other people's voice clips.

The only downside of Hinge was that it wasn't clear what the distance was between you and a potential match. Anyway, I decided to swipe MORE, not less, just on people who looked normal rather than necessarily interesting or I felt I could fancy. The selection on Hinge for my area also was way, way better than Bumble.
Though I did see some of the same guys as on Bumble but no more than 15-20%. Anyway, matched and started talking with 8 people in the first evening, they were all nice, but I knew I was going abroad soon and wouldn't be able to meet anyone before that.

Then the next morning saw my "future boyfriend". I hesitated over his pictures for ages because only kind of barely liked him in one, but his profile made me smile a lot, wrote to him, then we started talking (turned out he tried to match with me the day before but for some reason couldn't)
Anyway, my story is turning too long! Will start another post.

@RadiantRainbow - couldn’t agree more with your observation about men in Europe! I was in Scandinavia last weekend and men in their 40s/50s (on Hinge and IRL) looked like models compared to anyone on OLD in London - I am still swooning over the profiles (I wasn’t up for a holiday romance but kept the likes). I am trying to find a way to spend more time in Scandinavia for that reason!

So with my match - I did go abroad two days after we started talking (you can't exchange any pictures etc on hinge so switched to whatsapp the same day, the conversation turned so interesting so quickly)
Then I also knew that he would be away with his kid for a week after I come back, so in the end we couldn't meet for nearly three weeks, and he had to travel hundreds of miles to come and see me. We talked A LOT in the meantime, exchanged some short videos or us talking (but not video called), talked on the phone extensively a few times. By the way I really didn't like him and nearly wrote him off after the first phone conversation 😂
I thought he sounded way older than he was, eventually it turned out it was his "telephone voice" (lower and slower than in real life 🙄)

Anyway, once we started exchanging selfies I liked his face more than what I saw in his Hinge pics, however I was still worried that I was getting more and more invested and attached to him online and what if it wouldn't translate to fancying him in real life?
And knowing what I know now, had we met quickly I might have rejected him, and had we met in RL I might have rejected him because in the end when we met he was different to pictures, though not on purpose...I guess he looked a bit older though that wasn't a problem because he still looked young for his age, but his general presence and physique wasn't something I would feel attracted to from the off...however by the time we met I felt like I knew and liked him a lot as a person.
I was a bit lost at how much of a stranger he felt when we met and by the fact that I didn't really feel any physical chemistry, still I decided to spend time together and see how it goes.

Also he travelled hundreds of miles and stayed locally for two days, so it actually gave me time, I was at least willing to give it a chance as friendship. So ended up spending two full days together, and even though I still didn't feel attraction, by the end of the second day I knew that I felt really really comfortable and relaxed and at peace with him, which went against my normal expectation of "sparks" but felt like it was worth giving it more time, so he planned another visit.

Haha and while abroad I did actually have an opportunity for a real life holiday romance with a guy I actually fancied and who seemed to fall for me at first sight! It was all slightly romantic but I knew it was absolutely going nowhere and there would be no point to start anything, but had I not been talking so much to my match by that point I probably would have taken it further with the guy on that trip!

Anyway, so with my Hinge connection (by the way, even before I met my date I unmatched all my other matches on Hinge saying I wanted to pursue this one connection) on his second trip I realised that if he brushed against me or touched me in any way it just felt really nice, so I started thinking what if.

Obviously things like physique and physicality are very very secondary once you have feelings, but when you just like someone and physically they are not your normal type at all it could feel like a proper obstacle to overcome. I don't know, the fact that I was single for two years and didn't have casual sex in the meantime and felt very starved might have helped? Though I did have dates with a few guys who I didn't even want to be standing close to in spite of my sex deprivation, so I don't know....maybe there was a little chemistry with him or it started developing quickly.
Anyway, at the end of the third date we had a kiss goodbye (spontaneous on my side, my body just realised it'd help me to take a decision), and it was so much better than I expected. Really everything that needed to wake up in me woke up and started working with that kiss, I suddenly stopped being bothered by many features of his looks which bothered me greatly previously.

I don't want to say what it was, and I would not give a true example, but I always had a "thing", say it was ears that really stick out (I actually like sticky outy ears 😂), but say it was something like that...if I noticed it in men it was ALWAYS a turn off, I told many people in the past that if a man has it, it sort of gives me the ick and can't see them as a potential sexual partner. And he had that 😂and when I first saw and realised I was wtf wtf...that actually was one of the main things which put the brakes on for me. But in the end now I am happy to report I am not bothered at all, the more you like the person the more you don't care about certain things which bothered you in theory, or even the opposite, the "flaws" you begin to sort of like!

Anyway, to keep the long story short, the relationship developed, the sex happened and we both deleted the apps and he was supposed to be moving locally but now it's all delayed and I am really struggling with it, though he is too so there is no point stressing him telling him how upset or pissed off I am because there is nothing he can do and part of his problems is caused by him cancelling previous commitments so that he could come and spend time with me...

The reason I am telling my story in detail is, I suppose I would urge women to give more men a chance because it can be difficult for many to present themselves well online but it doesn't mean they couldn't be wonderful people in real life. And also not to reject too many men because of the lack of physical attraction because it can develop.

But I also realised I didn't give many men in real life a chance (not the men who approached or asked me out, but who I vaguely met on the periphery of my social circles and my friends suggested we get to know each other, and I was like, nah, I don't fancy him. But among those men were men who I also "not" not fancied either, just felt indifferent. So I didn't even want to go through the potential effort of getting to know them, didn't feel motivated, however had we met online and I got to know them as a person just through needing to have conversations as part of the deal I probably would have got motivated...)

I probably agree that Southern European can appear to be more good looking, but also Scandinavian too as @occhiazzurri mentioned above! My first ever date off the apps was a Scandinavian guy, and my first "turning meaningful" connection was with a Southern European, but none of it was on purpose!

In the end I realised that nationality becomes slightly irrelevant along with age, looks, education etc...when you form a real connection it kind of transcends a lot of the facts and it's character and values that come to the forefront more than anything else, though obviously a lot of the character and values formation would be entangled with childhood/background and one's nationality is part of it...Also though things like looks or money/status play a certain part, they are potentially subject to change (things like weight/level of fitness/plus everyone will get old eventually...money can be lost or a person can start earning more etc)

Character/personality is unlikely to change but you need to give it time of course to truly get to know someone before you commit.

Can I ask what you liked about them, is your type blonde/blue eyes/tall?

And I'm guessing you were in a city like Stockholm or Copenhagen?

I'm from that part of the world and IMO the men in the cities can be quite nice-looking, quite Ralph Lauren, although my type is definitely more brown eyes, dark hair, Italian/Spanish look. However I find that the lumberjack/hipster/viking look is also really popular there, or not caring too much about how you look.

Scandinavian guys may actually suit you well. Usually they are looking for someone around their own age and also it's common for women to be high earners there, men usually want someone who is equal to them and a strong character. They are also used to women being forward and organising dates, paying etc, it's not considered the man's job. And foreign women tend to be very popular there! They are used to the 'Scandi' look so someone that doesn't look stereotypically Scandinavian often piques people's interest and is considered attractive.

@ElleintheWoods - yes, I was in a big city although I did take a trip outside to a more rural area as well. What I found attractive was that everyone was fit/athletic, yes on the taller side, well dressed - whether casually or in T-shirt/jacket, and just attractive! Not everyone had blue eyes/blond hair, there were some very attractive men who were bald- in fact my most attractive like on Hinge was from someone bald. I think being in shape and well groomed is what really attracted me!

As a 5’10”, blond hair and green eyes I did fit in with the local crowd so I suspect that why I attracted a fair few likes on Hinge and looks IRL - most people assumed I was local. But it sounds like every man is the same on OLD- the likes I got were from the 50+ crowd, not a single one from the 30s crowd or very few in the late 40s. It was an interesting experiment and I plan to work from there for a few weeks next summer!

As to Southern Europe, I think it does depend where you are. Having spent two weeks in Sicily recently, I didn’t really encounter many people I found attractive, which I found surprising!

@occhiazzurri oh Scandi people are super outdoorsy in the summer, and to be fair, throughout the year, fitness/sport is a bit of a status symbol for professional people, and going to the country house by the lake for weeks on end is also 'expected' - so people tend to be fit and tanned. There's a fair % of at-home heavy drinkers, but I don't think being you, you'd come across too many of these types. Agree that Scandi men often also do the bald look well. In Sweden you're likely to find more dressy men, whereas Norway is famous for being very casual, the stereotype is 'coming to a business meeting in apres-ski gear'.

To be fair I've had a look at a few 'home friends' social media and thought, actually they aren't too bad. Because I was around fair men all my formative years, my type tends to be dark and tanned... Or British! 😂

IME most couples are similar age and very equal in social standing. In my own family a couple of the men have slightly older wives! Have a look at this link, I feel like it's fairly true: https://thyradaneauthor.com/2013/08/31/so-you-want-to-date-a-scandinavian/

Stockholm in the summertime is amazing and there's so much to do - definitely go for it. I would advise to try to make friends or have contacts in your professional circles in advance though. You deserve someone amazing and I feel like a lot of those men wouldn't be on the apps. There is a bit of social hierarchy in Scandinavia and those from, how to best put it, professional well-established families tend to be a bit more apprehensive of complete strangers whose background they don't know. It's a very small population/ society, so perhaps that expains it.

Agree with you on Southern Europe. Rural/ holiday areas probably have less interesting men. I was in provincial Portugal recently and tumbleweed.

Again, most men I know are through work, so they tend to be groomed and attractive. One of the hottest men I know is close to 60 now! However my issue with dating Italian/ Spanish is that they are often very intense/ clingy and think what we think of as lovebombing is the height of romance. An Italian guy used to message me 100s of times a day, reply or no reply! I also find that they tend to whisper sweet nothings to many women, and still be very flirty and even see other women and sleep with them if feasible while married with kids. May just be my industry, but my view is generally 'nice to look at, not terribly reliable partners'. Of course I'm generalising.

I am a guy on Hinge, but have not paid for the account
I have set my range as women aged 45-62, pretty broad range
Distance wise 15 miles from the town I am in
I get two or three profiles shown to me a day before it tells me I have seen all the profiles....I get shown the same profiles I have already declined.

I am near some large towns and there must be hundreds if not thousands of women in those two venn diagrams.
I am convinced that the apps force you to pay to see anyone
I am reluctant to pay, as when I did before, all the matches were hundreds of miles away.

Aaggghhhh!!!!

@Dauntedbydating I joined today and paid 25euro for a week. I have had no likes, no matches, no anything and I have mine cast to 161kms away distance wise and my pictures I know are bloody good pictures so I am now very wary of hinge. I have never used it before but paid today and nothing. Would make you wonder. Not saying I am a model but I look good - especially in the pics lol

Oh and I have sent 'priority likes' even to men I would not consider dating just to see and nothing.

@Dauntedbydating

I found Hinge a complete waste of time. I’ve been on and off there for nearly 2 years and only ever had 1 match in that whole time. Whereas the other apps I was getting loads of matches in same time frame.

A few mins after posting I got a notification saying I had a match. Looked again at the guys profile, for where we live his name is not a 'regular' name so just typed in to fb search bar his first name and the city he lives in and found his fb account. Says he is single, nothing public for about years but before that all pics of him and a woman. Very easy to find him so I presume it would be as easy for him to find me if he looked. Now I wonder how safe it is.

@Dauntedbydating @Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle are you guys urban or rural? I think Hinge is good for under 30s and urban, don’t think many people over 35 are on it. I searched quite a large area near me which includes some cities and had seen everyone within 20 mins or so.

Just feel like it’s more popular with ‘the kids’. And I believe on Hinge you don’t have to pay to see who likes you, the likes get shown to you?

Privacy is another major concern for me and that’s why no OLD. You can easily find anyone’s social media if they use their real name and place of work. I’ve found that many men instantly want you to know their full name etc though.

I highly recommend a city break in Europe and using OLD 😂

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle Have you set your profile's privacy settings so there is not much to see (in all social media including linkedin if you use it)? then even if someone find you, there is not much information easily available.

I just have my first name and my pics on the hinge app and the most they could find would be my fb account which is locked down, I dont have anything else.

I woke up to a few 'likes'. I do have my age range set for 42-49years old and a few of my 'deal breakers' may be a reason as in monogamy is a deal breaker - dont be thinking i want to share cos i dont! Also I do not want more kids nor want someone who wants any and non smoker/drug user is also on there. Maybe I am too picky lol

I do think Hinge better for a younger age range.

For us 50+ unless we’re looking for a man who is very active and spends most weekends participating in his sporting hobby of choice, there’s very few men on offer outside the M25

I had a free account - the guy who became my bf said my profile popped up on his hinge as a "standout"? I think (I am late 40s and nice looking but not amazing, my age range I think was 40 to 57 and 40 miles distance range). He said he tried to contact me but Hinge wouldn't let him do it unless he bought a "rose" (sorry literally was on Hinge properly for 24 hours so not well versed in it but I did get a couple of "roses" on the first day) but he couldn't work out how to do it but then the next day I contacted him first anyway.
After we were talking for a couple of weeks and he already knew he was going to delete his profile, he got charged his monthly fee which he was amused and pissed off about, I am sure he said it was £29.99?? So the prices where you are (is it Ireland?) seem to be much higher than in UK...
all my 8 matches on the first day were guys in their late 40s and early 50s, apart from a conversation with one 25 year old which popped up before I realised you had to tick a "dealbreaker" both for age and distance on Hinge for them not to show you everyone in the whole country who liked you!

I am in a town/countryside location with a proper big city about 40 miles away, and on Bumble there were constantly matches from the city (which was really not very sustainable unless you met the love of your life there I suppose and then you'd make a lot of effort) but no one came up on Hinge from that city on that first day full of matches for me, though people came up from the city in the opposite direction which is over 50 miles away but more difficult to get to(I found that Hinge was looser with distances)
Sounds like Hinge and its selection depends a lot on where you are in the world.

Yeah Ireland and there were options to pay a monthly fee or a 3 monthly which would make it cheaper but i know a few days and i wouold have been bored of it. I already am to be honest.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle no I don't think you're too picky, you do you. I'd say most people wouldn't like to date a drug user if 40+? Also you'd think most men would have had their kids by the time they've hit your age range?

Suppose one selection can be a bit funny is the 'open to kids' vs 'don't want kids' feature. I feel if you have it on 'don't want' it may tell all the single parents to not match with you. But equally 'open to kids' may imply you'd like kids? Minefield!

Right, how many guys is it acceptable to simultaneously go on dates with? Beyond 2nd date but with no physical intimacy involved. I feel like as a woman I wouldn't want my potential partner to be dating anyone else, however my dating life seems to have really come alive and I don't want to say no to dates/chance to get to know people just because someone else was slightly faster to ask!

Well...there's at least one!!

I have had a few more match things today but already cannot be bothered. I am in Ireland, the net is wide enough with my being in Dublin but I just do not like this app stuff. I met my ex who I was with for years online so there are men out there looking for a relationship I know this but I think sometimes it may get to be an addiction for some. It is not for me at all. I feel seedy and pervy even on it.

If something doesn’t make you feel good… stop it! We really shouldn’t be doing things that make us feel bad about ourselves.

Any alternatives? I know it’s a stereotype but I’ve found people in Dublin to be quite chatty to strangers so surely you’d get some dating even if not being on apps?

Yeah but I guess I would have to leave the house for that to happen lol