Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Thanks @Tillievanilly yes he has said he is free all weekend, and I really only have a hour one day around lunchtime. I’m probably just thinking too much about this all!!

@ElleintheWoods - the age came up naturally in conversation - whether it was by reference to my very senior position at work or in response to questions- and I assume they were looking to start a family with someone at least ten years younger. Even those in their late 40s told me they wouldn’t date anyone over the age of 40 so no wonder they are still single! I guess dating someone much younger has a status symbol attached to it that is appealing to the single men I have met (in addition to the family considerations) and I keep running into men who fall within the category of status seekers.
Will share any positive or useful tips from the next few events I am attending if any new avenues open - concert and polo this weekend, big socials at work next week, two book signings and a wedding next weekend.

Those who use bumble, do you type out an opener? I’ve just been saying Hi but don’t get many replies to just Hi!

Don’t ever just say hi or even worse send 👋 - I wouldn’t reply and most people see it as a lazy first impression.

Even a few extra words makes a difference. Read their profile and refer to one of their interests or something they’ve mentioned. Or ask what their weekend plans are - something simple that can start a conversation.

Whilst a bit sobering...it's also a bit depressing.
If he died last year, he's not been active for at least 8 months but still doing the rounds.....how many other profiles are floating around with no prospect of connection?
Found a partner, lost interest, lost the password.....a smorgasboard of ghost profiles!

No wonder I never get any replies!!

Exactly!
So many waving emoji, I loath them and think that they show zero effort
I don't reply either

Yes same as the others, definitely write a proper opener. I usually commented on something on their profile, like a location of a picture or something they’ve said.

Do you not really like texting? Or is it just openers you struggle with?

@DarkMilkChocolate if you have one hour free then probably squeezing a man with kids is even harder though? How young are your kids? Do you work 9-5?

There might be light at the end of the tunnel. Eg a shift worker who is free when your kids are at school/ doing activities? Someone self employed or flexible home worker who can work around your schedule?

If you want a long-term relationship then probably around 6-12 months in you’ve got to take the plunge and introduce the kids so you don’t have to sneak around just once every couple of weeks. That killed us unfortunately as we didn’t want to rush it.

I know many single mums that have landed great long-term partners in their 30s and 40s though.

@occhiazzurri That is ridiculous behaviour though! To be fair, I’ve dated two types of men. Men who don’t care much about ‘image’ and date more based on personality, and men that crave external approval and would only date someone young, slim, with curves, beautiful, even if quite dull and helpless. I don’t bother with the 2nd type, they’re not my cup of tea, even if they can be easy on the eye.

No just takes time to do those things and it seems like a numbers game

How many people are you swiping right on? (I’m presuming you’re a woman looking to date men by the way!)

Men swipe right on pretty much everyone (I think, judging by the number of likes one seems to get in a very short amount of time as a woman) and some pay to see who swiped right on them, so if you swipe right on say, more than 10 guys a day, then yes I imagine speaking to them all becomes a task on its own 😂

I’d probably have max 3 people I’m matched with at any given time so easier to talk to them without having to book time out in my diary!

It can be a numbers game to some people depending how you use OLD however it’s important to still look like you’re making some sort of effort and not giving the impression you’re bulk messaging genetic openers.

This is why I prefer to pay for apps to see who's liked me (to match with them at a time that's convenient to me).

Ah clearly I’m doing it all wrong! I will stop swiping everyone and stick to some boundaries!

Well everyone has their on strategy 😋

I’ve just had a little giggle though as you probably have 100s of matches and literally have to bat them away 😂

Also more prone to giggling as I’m in a good mood, somehow my phone is currently blowing up with men I already know wanting to go out! Did an apocalyptic event get forecasted yesterday and they’re looking for someone before the world ends or what?

Maybe they’ve had too much sun

Wish I had your problems @ElleintheWoods 🤣
It's tumbleweed out here!
My friends have persuaded me than at 38 I could consider 35 year old men, I swear this has just made me feel to appear even more desperate 😭 😂

Mr Teacher has come back though, although I'm not sure why. I suspect he wants fwb but not what I'm looking for at all.
It's either the in the sheets or the cast out on the streets! There's no in-between 🤦🏼‍♀️

@JaquiRussell To be fair I think they’re just trying it on a bit/ feeling lonely/ seeing if they can progress to fwb. I just find it quite entertaining. One or two I’d consider potential relationship material.

Where has he come back from? And what age range would you normally consider? Why do you think it makes you feel that way?

I’ve never dated younger but for the first time someone younger has caught my eye, and I feel a bit confused about it! I’ve been having a bit of a laugh with my friends about the potential age gap but truth is I fancy him and seems promising.

@ElleintheWoods It's great you've been able to meet someone in real life as it were. As long as you are sure it wouldn't interfere with your career or his. Go for it.
Unfortunately I work from home, I volunteer occasionally with the ambulance service but most folk are married.

Mr Teacher is from Feeld although he appeared on Hinge, just after he'd ended our connection less than a month ago, citing the spark wasn't strong enough considering the 50 minute drive from his town to mine.
I'd entertained it as he'd said he was looking for something more relaxed but nothing against it becoming more long term. However his interactions have been predominantly at night and of a certain nature. I should shut it down but I like him, I've asked him out once and that's when he ending things so I'm now just guessing he's bored and wants someone over the phone.

I don't know what it is about men that are younger than me. I just feel like they are children and I'd be fulfilling a weird kink. Maybe because as a kid myself, I hung out with folk older than me, etc who knows.
I just get an instant ick, can't describe it. I know I need to try get over this.

Feeling crap - have had anxiety for 5 years following a 20 year marriage. Three dates in, nice man really.. dinner at mine - ended up in the sack - generally ok - but then he pipes up right whilst DTD ‘do you find it difficult to relax?’ .. which did exactly the opposite. I have decided online dating is so goal orientated it’s not for me. Well, yes is the answer. Trying to date after 6 years of bullshit online dating has wrecked every small ounce of confidence in me. I am pretty, 49, 5ft 6, 115lb and despite the anxiety am a good person. Is it time for me to spend a year by myself? Got new job, house move, kids school moves coming up. I think I could do without this for now. Feel deflated and teary. We did chat - unfortunately he then uttered the words ‘no pressure’ and took all the items he purchased for dinner and the left overs home with him. Which was probably the bigger of the two red flags. Oh and (but I never breathed a word as I I never would..) his size and general inability to get going himself. Online dating is a ridiculous performance.

@JaquiRussell Oh yes, I used to feel exactly the same about younger men, or even men my age, wouldn't look twice at someone under 40. Just really struggled to connect with them and thought they were children. However I think a couple of years' difference is really the same age, isn't it? So say 35 and 38? I'm 35 and he's 32. As far as I know he doesn't know my age and may think I'm younger than him, so feeling a bit shy about volunteering this information! I'm also thinking he could date 27-year-olds and it would be perfectly age appropriate for him, so why me?

Hmmm I'm not a fan of Mr Teacher, if he wants something with you, he needs to treat you better. Is he a maths or business teacher by any chance? As giggling at the 'distance vs strength of spark' cost-benefit analysis.

I certainly have a couple of those that might text around 8-9pm trying to flirt. Feel like it's a growing trend amongst men. They want to text regularly, but not actually go on dates and have a physical/ real connection. And before anyone says these men can't get anyone and that's why, I can think of at least 2 men who are objectively handsome, solvent, successful, interesting people who could easily have a nice gf or even ONS. Why?!

@flipflapflop77 take a break. It's clearly not making you happy. I took 2 years out after a couple of failed relationships/non starters with nice men who had their own issues. After tiring of feeling disappointed, I focussed on myself and friends who made me feel good about myself. I'm dating now but it's someone who I dated years ago. We both agree that the time out made us better as individuals so we are much stronger as a couple.

@flipflapflop77 I'm sorry to hear it didn't go well.

Is it time for me to spend a year by myself? Got new job, house move, kids school moves coming up. I think I could do without this for now.

If you are asking these questions, maybe the answer is yes. Nothing should leave you deflated and teary. There's lots of pressure in society to 'put yourself out there' and date, but if it's harming your mental heath and anxiety... Self-care is so important if you struggle with MH, as is finding things that make you feel calm, happy, positive.

Trying to date after 6 years of bullshit online dating has wrecked every small ounce of confidence in me

Don't put energy into things that make you feel that way. Put that energy into accepting and loving yourself and get your confidence back.

Not to make this about meeting someone, but, genuinely, if you love yourself, it attracts people to you.

@flipflapflop77 aghhh! Sorry that happened to you. What a weirdo, taking his food?! That’s RUDE. Yep, I’d just take a break as others have said. Sometimes it’s tempting to get caught up in OLD as a distraction to the big other things in our lives to sort.

If it makes you feel at all better, I’m 47 and regularly have Botox after my face virtually collapsed after years in an abusive relationship. I just had a consultation about it and fillers with a top London women (she’s on tv a lot)z She actually said she wouldn’t touch me and it’s time for a facelift and eyelift!! Neither I want nor could afford. Feel like absolute shit now, thanks love 😂😭

Typically when I wanted to write an update about my success on OLD things in my personal life started turning more and more difficult so I hesitated to share, but actually the difficult part is only due to the distance/logistics, which makes me feel really downhearted, but it doesn't cancel out the success story.

In general I didn't have any horror stories on OLD anyway, was on Bumble from the beginning of the year and my biggest disappointing realisation was that many men weren't actually as single as they claimed to be, and many who were technically single were nowhere near in the headspace to date or had the time or opportunity to invest in a new relationship, and just got out there straight after a break up to distract themselves.

I was single for two years before trying OLD after I didn't like anyone enough in RL...I must also add that late spring I was in continental Europe and Bumble there was eye-opening! There were no scary unkempt men and a lot of the men looked like a catalogue of models with professionally written bios, which were considered/and/or funny and intelligent at the same time. I didn't swipe on anyone because already started talking to who would become my boyfriend, but also didn't feel like/there was no opportunity for holiday romance, but I must say Bumble UK selection looked really sad in comparison.

Btw, wanted to ask @SamW98 if you get approached by 70+ men on OLD, don't you have age filters enabled? I am in my 40s(second half) and had my max age at 57, have no idea what matches I would have got if I didn't set the age limits, probably would have been bombarded by 60-70 year olds because some definitely tried it in real life!

Will continue in a separate message

@RadiantRainbow

Yes I’ve got age filters enabled - and distance ones so I don’t see these older guys on my swipe list but obviously they’re seeing me and sending messages.

Thats problem with the changes to some apps, anyone can send a message now without matching.

I have actually got on my profile I’m only looking for around my own age but it doesn’t stop the pensioners and youngsters chancing their arm