Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

I sent them both a pretty generic ‘thanks but looking closer to my age’ message - very polite.

The 74 year old sent a spikey one back telling me to lose my ageist prejudice- ok then granddad

Probably would even turned out that he had shaved off a few years too @SamW98.

Juat had an image of you meeting him and he turns up in a wheelchair with a carer 😂

Long time lurked here btw . Finally got myself together again to try online dating. Had bout 8 months break. Trying hinge which I've never tried before and been on for around a week. I have a date friday with 'Mr Phoenix'. I am trying and failing not to get to excited. Luckily I'm away for a few days to visit a friend so good distraction from constantly thinking about it!

But obviously will constantly think about it 🙄

So true - hilarious!! Be like a date I had where these kids on a table next to this guy and I were laughing because we looked ridiculous! I was all dressed up and he looked like he’d seen better days!

My male friend went on a date once with a woman who said she was 52 when she arrived she was in her 70’s and walked with a stick - he left immediately and she was crying in car park shouting ‘age is only a number’

He said it’s putting off dating for life 🤣

I just don’t understand why people do it to themselves. It must be soul destroying. I’ve dialled back one year on mine to take me back under a certain milestone but that’s literally it!

Ok how do I ask Mr WorkCrush if he is single without coming across like a total creep?

So far there’s been no mention of a gf, and definitely no wife, in any of the conversations.

For context I’m his senior by several levels and now I’ve got a feeling he could be younger also.

We have common friends so could ask them but unsure how to do that without essentially saying I’m interested in him.

All I can picture at the moment is some pervy 50-year-old fella with a cigar in the 1970s asking his young secretary: ‘So is there a Mr Smith, or a boyfriend in the picture, Mary?’ 😂

Honestly I think this is a no-no if we both stay at the company but I know he is being headhunted for more senior positions so I’m fairly confident he’ll leave for a better job before Christmas.

@SamW98 my now ex told me a similar story although apparently the martyr that he is stayed and had dinner. Said she told him one story online and reality was so different.

I also dont understand lying about physical features. It will become apparent and by then you walk in and already distrust the person when you can see they have lied.

@ElleintheWoods - I would casually ask about his weekends and/or holiday plans. If there is a girlfriend or significant other they will likely be mentioned in that context.
Do you report into the same line of management and/or are you in any kind of managerial role? It could be tricky in this case but if not, you might just see if you could spend some time outside of work - perhaps if he wanted to grab a coffee just outside the office or something similar. That would be pretty innocent for anyone who works as part of a team.

@occhiazzurri thanks for the advice. We have talked about topics like this quite extensively and no other half has been mentioned. We’ve got to a place where we are chatting quite comfortably now so asking directly in a bantery way would probably go down fine, but a) it’s creepy and b) clearly signifies I’m romantically interested so may make him feel uncomfortable at work.

No, different line management structure completely, otherwise no way I would even be talking to him. (Well, he started taking to me to be fair and carried on reaching out, so it went from there) I’m a senior manager though and I don’t want to seem unprofessional.

He asked me for lunch at work some time ago so that was nice but generally difficult to find an excuse to spend time with him 1-2-1 outside work, also because we work in different areas of the business. I feel like we both know there’s a spark (everytime I need something he comes straight over in person and sits so close we’re touching) so I think any invite to hang out would be seen as an invite to date.

Thankfully we have a couple of big work socials coming up. I also meet up with my work friends on a Saturday sometimes and he’s friends with 2 of them so thinking about inviting him along.

@ElleintheWoods - it sounds like the Saturday social with work friends is the way to go. Big work socials are tricky as you never know who else might also be interested in the same person and trying to flirt with them at a big social event at work can raise eyebrows. Perhaps if you end up going somewhere else after the work social - we sometimes have people moving down to the pub after our monthly drinks.

Since you also work in different areas of the business eventually you might need to take the plunge and ask him out for a coffee or otherwise you will never find out of there is any romantic potential! I am keeping my fingers crossed it all works out!

This sounds really good @ElleintheWoods - I would personally ask the mutual contacts if they knew if he was single and tbh at that point given the signs you have said he is displaying - who cares if he finds out you like him? It will hopefully speed things along!

@occhiazzurri I think you’re right. Big work socials may not be the best to flirt but they’re a good excuse to look absolutely stunning in a beautiful dress… Funny story, I wore a nice dress today in case I’d bump into him. several other men I’d never spoken to came over to introduce themselves 😂

Another idea - connect on LinkedIn or similar. People that fancy me always add me on social media to make a move so may as well take a leaf out of their playbook!

I’m making work sound like a meat market but generally we are a very tame bunch, very varied ages etc, so I’m not aware of too much flirtation going on generally. No real sexual harassment issues/cases.

Thank you 😊 I’ll see what happens next few weeks. At this stage I’d just like to get to know him better - we may not even be compatible. Getting to know each other in a group of friends may be a nice safe way to do that.

I’m not set on him at all and keeping options open but a) he really caught my eye when I first saw him, he’s right up my street looks wise b) he started talking to me pretty persistently this summer. For context, someone in his job role would usually have no reason to contact me.

Any promising leads on your end?

@Bestlife18 I generally would agree but the mutual contacts might think it unprofessional and can be a bit uptight. I don’t care so much about him finding out (I’d be surprised if he hasn’t realised by now!) but more my reputation at work. Imagine your HR director taking a shine to one of the sales reps type of situation! It’s not a good look.

@ElleintheWoods - as a woman working in finance I have given up the idea of meeting someone at work because my male colleagues fall within the highly educated high earners category that are highly desirable by women and all got coupled up in their 20s. I’ve barely met anyone single over the age of 30 at any of the places I have worked.

I did have a work crush earlier this year but he falls within the 6’5”, blue eyes, man in finance category that every woman seems to be after. I know he is likely single due to finding him on all the major dating apps but he only seems to have eyes for his 25 year old female analyst. So I need a new work crush to at least bring some excitement to being in the office all the time!

@occhiazzurri Yes my work environment is a little bit similar (and previously I worked in the entertainment industry) but… I back myself! Maybe I’m just one of these people that’s deludedly confident even though I’m no beauty queen.

Previously I’ve found that ones men get past the ‘20something, want to date an influencer’ stage, they often fancy someone you might not expect them to fancy. When I was younger I thought of myself as a badly dressed ugly duckling, so was shocked when a couple of extremely eligible men asked me out after working with me.

My attitude now that I’m older and more confident is that I can get anyone’s attention. But to be fair I do stay away from the gym bros and other people that don’t seem to look past age/ lack of lip filler.

@ElleintheWoods - it is great that you have developed confidence and are enjoying its fruits! I hope things progress soon with Mr WorkCrush!

In my case confidence and my model looks don’t help at all as I am about ten years older, mid40s and 99% of coworkers are married or only fancy 25 year olds. The only way to have a partner in your 40s seems to be to have an affair with someone married, which isn’t to my taste, but a friend of mine has gone down that route and is remarrying!

@occhiazzurri Oh dear! Doesn’t sound encouraging.

Would you be open to dating someone significantly younger, say early/ mid 30s?

Hi, new to this thread and online dating and looking for a bit of advice. I’m late forties with teen kids who stay with me full-time. I have matched with a guy a similar age with no kids. He’s asked to meet up after a few days of chatting, which I’m open to but have now possibly moved into the realm of overthinking. Not sure my lifestyle is compatible with a single guy who has no commitments. One of my kids is additional needs and it does make dating quite complicated already. I guess I’m asking, if you have kids does dating someone with no kids work? I didn’t really think much about it at first and was open to it, but our lifestyles probably look very different.

@ElleintheWoods - ah thank you!

I have now been single ten years (other than a few short lived relationships from OLD) so I have resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. We have a singles forever club with my mid 30s female friends who have also pretty much been single for more than five years.

I am very much open to anyone really as long as I fancy them and have somewhat similar values. I get approached a fair bit in real life but as soon as they hear my age everyone loses interest, even men in their 40s. So the options are dating someone 10-15 years older (seems to be that way on OLD) that I don’t really fancy (in light of comments about fitness level of said men on OLD), an affair at work or being single. But I am trying to keep an open mind and have started thinking about expanding my social circle through more sports eg padel or volleyball, going to more book signing events and/or political events as my other hobbies revolve around art which is very female dominated. Will report if anyone intresting materialises!

@DarkMilkChocolate you are in the same boat as me tbh. It’s really difficult question to answer. I had an ex husband who had no kids but was a total nightmare in the end as had no appreciation of what life was like with kids. After that, I’ve had relationships with guys who have kids 50/50. That is also very hard as I’ve found they have less capacity than me and we never got to see each other! I found a nice balance with one who had his kids every other weekend and our child free weekend aligned but he turned out to be a shit!
50/50 one currently and it’s quite a challenge as the schedule for him seems fairly chaotic. I’m a planner and this lack of planning ability a challenge for me.

@occhiazzurri
I’m being sold the idea that men are also interested in older women now and I’m buying it... Obviously not all men, but some. For example, one of my friends is a gorgeous pro athlete in his 30s and he prefers women 40+. Having said that, I’m half expecting Mr WorkCrush to announce his in his 20s soon! I’m really surprised about the age thing though.

Really? They clearly must find you attractive so why do they attach so much importance to it? Do you tell them your age or do they ask? As I’ve not had an experience recently where someone I don’t know well asks my age.

You sound similar to me with the books and politics, I enjoy these types of things anyway, so now leveraging them to meet men as well, while doing something good with my time. Let’s keep each other updated!

@DarkMilkChocolate
Perhaps go on the date and find out? Not much to lose, you aren’t going to fall for him after one date... Go out and have some fun! I don’t have kids and dated a single full-time parent for a while – it was challenging to find time together. I would have been open to fully embracing being a part of his family, but he knew better what was good for me, apparently.

Having said that, some childless people actually want to be a part of a family unit, especially if they love kids but can’t have them etc. If it seems like they have a very active, busy lifestyle with lots of travel and hobbies and expensive habits, then that may be more of a challenge than someone that is quite home/ family focused already.

I have kids and dated someone with no kids for almost a year. In the end, he decided that our lifestyles were incompatible. He was a fair bit younger, so that might also have been the issue. Going forward, I am going to have this conversation early on re. how much time I can invest in a relationship. I think my ex thought I would magically have more time for him, when in reality my kids are quite little and I only really have eow free to date. I don't think it is necessarily easier to date someone else with children, as their schedule may not match up with yours.

My situation sounds similar to yours. I actually find it easier to date men without kids. As long as they understand your lifestyle you will be fine. My life is busy so if they have less commitments it makes arranging dates easier. I’d say give it a chance!

Thanks for sharing your experiences and insights @marplemead. @ElleintheWoods @Bestlife18 I think I am talking myself out of meeting him! And probably a bit nervous as I have never done this before…He does seem to have a pretty active lifestyle with various travel and his profile mentions he’s not sure about having kids, which normally I wouldn’t have swiped on as I know i’m not having any more. He also mentioned in a recent message that finding a special connection can be difficult. I don’t know why but the special connection phrase puts me off when I read it. Am I being too harsh? My last relationship became very complicated with some emotional abuse and I think I’m very protective about my next steps. Maybe I’m not as ready for this as I thought I was!! @Bestlife18 Im a planner too and totally agree, lack of planning is a nightmare.