Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@Bestlife18 @Tillievanilly great to hear it's going well. @VanillaSox yes, I agree with the others, if you have a good feeling just go for it - life's too short to waste opportunities. I don't think you have anything to lose by showing some honest (verbal) enthusiasm.

@SamW98 a data scientist friend of mine did a rough calculation of how many single, intelligent, active, attractive 45-60 year old men would be in our area and the results were - almost none! So, feeling very fortunate I've finally met someone who fits my criteria, after 25+ dates. Prof lives a bit far away, but he's kind, keen to spend time with me, and most importantly, I fancy him! So we have decided to be exclusive and see where this goes.

So, I might take a back seat on this thread, but check in to see how you're all doing from time to time. All the very best to you all, keep your standards up and don't let the apps dominate your evenings!

Evening All,

I am thinking of dipping my toe into the murky online dating pool again…. after a long break. I haven’t had much luck in the past. I have tried EHarmony and found it expensive and it didn’t yield much.
Bumble was better but, more quantity than quality.
Have things improved? Anyone recommend any sites?

just a question but if you have tinder gold an other people find out?

can*

@newdater32 well it is an online dating site and paid or not if someone comes across your profile they can tell anyone they like or screenshot it etc and sent to friends or partners. No dating site would be anonymous not even that Ashley Madisson one or whatever it was called and it was for swingers and cheats!

I've not got tinder gold. And that's not why I wouldn't get it. I don't want to hide my profile.

I want to see who else likes me.

What is Tinder gold? One where you can hide your profile?

Is Tinder actually good for ‘serious’ dating? My impression was always that Tinder was more for hookups and if you wanted to pursue a relationship then Bumble/ Hinge/ others were more suited? Have I got the wrong idea? This is mostly from reading app reviews on various websites.

Hmmm so I think I have 3 IRL men who I could feasibly go on a date with within August.

HOWEVER. I just keep looking for negative aspects in them all! I had a thought today. I’m 35 and while my LTRs so far weren’t bad, the men weren’t a great fit for me. I almost see this period of my life as the chance to meet someone amazing to grow old with who is really compatible. And I’m scared of investing in the wrong man so I see faults in everyone and won’t even test drive them!

Mr FridayNightText - too social and happy, too fun, likes food and drink too much. We’d just become obese on fine dining together! Jokes aside I think he goes out and drinks too often (few times a week)
Mr WorkCrush - similar interests and looks great but doesn’t seem super bright, prioritises money a lot
Mr SwimClub - far too social, he really likes chatting to strangers, I always see him talking to someone (we do swimming training together)

Do I have a point or are these really minor faults if they’re otherwise interesting men and interested in me?

Thank you. Thats amazing news @Chocolatefreak really pleased and keeping everything crossed for you.

Havs you now deleted the apps??

@ElleintheWoods - I would definitely give Mr WorkCrush a chance! Can you try to spend a bit more time outside of work together?
My work crush is amongst the standouts on all the major dating apps so I have given up on the crush now.

@ElleintheWoods personally, I wouldn’t be put off by the chatting to people so the swim guy sounds best of the bunch? I had an ex who was super tight with money and he was obsessed with how much he could save by scrimping. I finished with him because of it.

@Mollymolloy no sadly all still the same. I got enthusiastic about match but after a couple of days that was just the same set that you see on the free sites.

Maybe try Hinge as a free one? I didn’t get on with tinder or bumble tbh.

I was recommended going on the are we dating the same guy groups on Facebook but I dont seem to be getting accepted into the group?

If someone's on it already can you please enquire. Im definitely female lol

My friend (yes really, not me!) recently met a man on POF who is (genuinely) an academic at a south coast university /seemed really promising and love-bombed her but is a way that didn’t come across as lovebombing - but only available on Thursdays - had to get home by 5pm for ‘his granddaughter’ -if you come across him -seems really genuine but isn’t…

Refreshingly -I had a really nice brush-off text (yes I know that sounds odd!) from Mr Builder saying that he had thought about a lot and sorry for the silence -hopes he doesn’t sound presumptuous, but our lifestyles are too dissimilar and he would like to stay friends (we are on the fringes of the same social circle) but not take the romance any further and hopes we will still chat at gigs etc.
I really appreciate this because it gives closure, was respectful and means that if we see each other at gigs etc there will be no awkwardness. I replied thanks -totally respect that -you are a great kisser and really interesting person, so wish you well. I put a kiss at the end as it costs nothing and he replied with a ‘Thanks! x’
So I am actually quite happy that even though it came to nothing it was a lovely evening and has totally got me over my ex MrWozFunnest who did not communicate in that way.

Hi everyone. Enjoying the updates. Seems a trend to try to meet people in real life rather than apps, which I agree with. After a few years have come to the conclusion that most men on apps have unworkable issues and the format feeds into those, with an endless supply of decent women to feed that too.

Am biased as things going well with the guy I met IRL, and as a few previous posters have said, it’s a totally different kettle of fish - ie normal! Well, at least so far!

Apps made me waste so much time on things that were going nowhere. I learnt from it I guess. Learnt we are conditioned to be in a relationship, even a dodgy one, whereas actually better off alone a lot of the time - single women live longer apparently! But we want connection, someone to do life with and a sex life so it is hard.

I’d say ditch the apps for a while and throw yourself into being present in Life if you can!

enjoy the summer everyone x

I found hinge and bumble better than tinder. Match I really disliked. Maybe because I was getting likes from people really far away.
I think it’s good to try the apps as a way of getting yourself into the dating game. Particularly if you’re busy with children etc as it’s harder to real life. I did the apps on/off for a year before I met mr chilled. If it doesn’t work out I don’t think I would return. As I feel they are quite consuming and maybe it’s better to leave things to chance!

@occhiazzurri Thanks. We chatted in the coffee area this morning (talk online every day) and it was certainly very sparky! I really like the way he looks and he gave me a really nice smile.

I guess what puts me off is that money seems really important for him, quite lavish spending habits, sports car, and very salary-driven, but I’m not sure how much he thinks about the deeper things. He’s also at my work and don’t want to end up in a sexual harassment case!! But I feel like I’m just making excuses to write him off, whereas i remember when I first saw him and went ‘who is that!’ in my head.

@Bestlife18 Mr SwimClub is very very chatty! He will speak to the instructor at length before and after training! And almost everyone else at the club. He just comes across as very socially needy. I’m more reclusive so I find that behaviour a little strange/ ‘too much’. But we’ll see.

Funny thing is, I’ve only seen him in his swimming trunks with wet hair, so I’m a bit curious what he looks like with his clothes on 😂

Bottom line is I seem to find plenty wrong with everybody without even giving them a chance and I thinks it’s me.

Hello! I know I haven’t been here for a while but I actually have good news about OLD, however my success story made me realise that I hadn’t given many good men a chance in RL previously! A lot had to fall into place to make my OLD story a success (though it’s early days of course but I have been off the apps for about 6 weeks now I guess)

Will be back with details/to explain later!

@ElleintheWoods id say you need to work out the stuff that you could maybe tolerate and where you think too fussy. I have friends who really want someone very solvent understandably, or who pays for dates. Others dont want anyone divorced/with kids (late 40s). My partner smokes but tbh its not a hard no because he's trying to quit and its a small part of who he is, and the rest really outweigh things. I always tried to see dating as how would i view a friend if they did x/y/z, and if it wasnt a problem with friends, then i wouldnt worry if dating.

Hmmm yes good point. I've never really had a checklist as such, as usually I just meet someone (somewhat unsuitable 😂), get to know them and fall in love before any 'dating'. I don't usually care about things like job, height, weight, family background etc too much.
Main things I want is someone with plenty of common interests so that we can do things together, being able to talk very openly about broader subjects, someone who isn't very family oriented, and who matches my temperament and calmness. Professionally of similar standing makes things easier too as it's hard to date when one partner can afford much more than the other. I'd consider someone with underaged kids if they're really special, again lifestyles would be too different. I can't be with someone intense/needy. And I don't want someone whose lifestyle is going out drinking/ lads holidays.

Thus reservations about someone highly chatty/ social, feel like they'd quickly annoy me as a partner as I do like quiet and my own space at times. I'm fun but I need a break from fun, too, and prefer nature walks to drinking in bars.

But I feel that I am imagining negatives in people based on just a few interactions without properly getting to know them.

Mr WorkCrush came to show some slides to me and sat very close to me, hopefully on purpose... Now I can't get him out of my head! If he resigned from my place of work I'd ask him out immediately but it feels too risky at the moment. 'You looked hot this morning' isn't exactly the kind of Zoom message one should send!

Every now and again I reactivate my profile just to see if anyone new and interesting is out there. I reactivated about an hour ago just to have a nose.

So far had 2 messages - from a 74 year old and a 78 year old. I’m 55 ffs

@ElleintheWoods that and me laugh then, yes I can see how that might be annoying! See what he is like with clothes on - could just be nerves. I’m a people person so I’d be ok with it (I think!) 😂

interested to see how this one pans out!

It’s painful - same for me with guys in their late 60s who are older than my parents lol

I joined my local one but tbh it’s rubbish! There are only a few posts every now and again and from really young people so not in my demo!