Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@SamW98 yes, it’s exactly like that. I’m happy to drive further into what is a nicer area, plus everything that goes with that - cafes, pretty villages, nice rivers in towns…..

Ahh a Redditor!

I look at the DO30/40/50 ones.

@MeAgainAndAgain don’t you find the Reddit threads very American? To me it seems ike they have a pretty different dating culture!

IME Hinge not that good for men over 40/ outside of big cities, so the more established apps in the UK may be better? Interesting about the ‘niche’ apps. One way of looking at it is that they could be really good if certain values are important to you, i.e. you don’t need many matches, just a couple of quality ones.

@SamW98 yes I get that. I’d like to date someone that I can easily see without having to make a logistics plan for it, so they’d have to be in areas I naturally frequent. Although Londoners think they are extra datable! I live really far from London and have been asked by London friends if I am coming to London for a date, or if I would consider dating London men as they might be a better fit. No, sorry, it’s too far, it would never work, especially if it becomes more serious. I do know people that live quite far out and date in London though.

@RosieAway It’s quite funny, he caught my eye when I first started, but there’s 1,000+ people in the building… So I never knew it was him messaging me! He’s my type looks-wise and seem to have similar interests/humour but like I said, it’s just a bit of fun to get through the day and will be for a while, as I wouldn’t get involved with someone at work willy-nilly. It is quite nice when someone piques your interest and you pique their interest right back though 😊

@ElleintheWoods The US is indeed a foreign country despite our common language. Their ‘deep inner work’ makes me and my stiff upper lip cringe. Their reliance on what often appears to be a lifelong dedication to ‘therapy’ makes me wonder what the heck is going on. They seem to be much more into dating several people at the same time before choosing one. I was messaging a man on there once, he sent me screenshots of message threads and photos of eight women he was dating. I’d then get a joint selfie of them, and he’d analyse how each date went. Then he chose one, and we carried on messaging for a few months after that, he seemed really happy. But a lot of the themes are the same - cheating, children, date venues, money, sleepovers, ex’s, and I learn a lot by the sheer number of different opinions.

Re the niche apps, I was also on one that was all about your music taste. You’d have certain groups ‘liked’ and it would match you according to the usual stuff plus similar music taste. Nowhere near enough people on it though.

I’m a born and bred Londoner who moved out 20 years ago and have no desire to go back.
So there’s no point dating in London because I don’t really want to spend my time there - I’ve done it and it holds no appeal now.

Im fine having a few afternoons/evenings out with friends in Shoreditch or other areas easy to get to from Liverpool Street but to go for a date in Chiswick or Barnet or Peckham etc - no thanks too much of a faff.

Id rather drive to the coast or another town with easy links to main roads and sit chatting in a nice country pub, a cute cafe/bar or overlooking the sea.

It’s just my preference. I have friends who date London guys but it’s not for me.

@MeAgainAndAgain I'm reluctant to make generalisations about the US simply because it's such a huge country. I mean people from Portsmouth obviously are a tad different compared to those living in London.

That said I also found that a lot of Americans just seemed happier for some reason.

As for dating, I find American men charismatic and charming but also a bit fake after that initial friendliness wears off. Whereas a lot of British men conflate Stoicism and politeness with stonewalling and unwillingness to communicate.

But somehow I find British men more attractive than American men (physically and intellectually) and I always end up fancying British men a lot more.

If I ever meet a good American man and end up dating him, I'll be sure to come back and amend what I wrote just now 😁

Just had a weird moment. Swiping through apps and up came the profile of a guy I knew who passed away last year.

Very sad and just stopped me in my tracks a bit

Oh I'm sorry @SamW98 that must have come as such a shock!
How poignant of a moment! Thanks for sharing, really puts everything into perspective doesn't it.
We're not here for a long time but let's hope we can find someone to share what we can, whilst we can.
And if not, haunt the heck out of Hinge!!

I'm joking of course, just trying to lift you a little. Hope you're ok x

@newdater32 did you agree on Friday, or did he say he was busy (going out with work)? I wouldn't assume he's got another date, but could have plans with work/ friends agreed in advance. Also 2-3 dates in a week is quite intense, especially at the beginning, but that might be just me. Even if fwb.

@MeAgainAndAgain haha, that's quite funny. Obviously culture varies across the US but my impression is that their attitudes can be quite 'trad wife', e.g. find a man that has money and a good job and treats you to material things like an expensive first date being quite important. Or labelling women low value/ high value based on very superficial traits. When I was reading Reddit and how they were discussing dating European and how rubbish it was, I found that quite alienating.

Genuine question, is music really important to people in a dating context? It really seems to be for some men! I really don't care about music that much, prefer silence in most spaces I am in, and going to a gig is my worst nightmare. So for someone like me it's very low importance, it's interesting to hear that it can be important to the degree of a specialised app.

@newdater32 I doubt he has another date. Men really don't get that much attention unless they are outstanding for some reason. I'd say because you said fwb he doesn't want to act like he is trying to build a romantic relationship with you. Lines can easily get blurred. Thus no texting unless he wants the 'b' again.

Well I’m now finally ready to give the apps a go. (Long time lurker here) Came out of a long marriage and had a relationship with a great fun man, very attractive but pathologically insecure and avoidant -thanks to excellent support on here I learned a lot. I called him Me WozFunnest. Messy ending -he tried to revive it a few times but it was toxic for me. Difficult as we live less than a mile apart and have lots of friends and interests in common.
But… it did massively help me to change my life completely after my divorce (which was also toxic, and we are still in litigation over the financial settlement..
However had a date recently with a man I know through friends of friends (Mr Builder). Fantastic date, lots in common, he messaged me when he got home to say how great it had been, and would like to meet again. I replied with a positive emoji then… nothing. About a week later I messaged him to say ‘Meet soon?’ Left on read.
Now I know enough from here (thanks!!!😁) to leave it there. But the fantastic thing is that for the first time since MrWozFunnest I had a great evening with someone I was attracted to so I actually now know it is possible and am emboldened to have a go at OLD while it is still summer, I have a tan and am at a weight I can fit into my little dresses 😁😁. Not expecting much - but just to hopefully have a drink or two..
Where is the best site (if any) to meet very active/sporty men in mid to late 50s…😁😁😁😁 I am very into cycling/sailing etc and meet many men like that in the told but…they are all married…And the two I have met who aren’t were avoidant 😂

@VanillaSox thats really annoying, especially as you knew him irl as well!

I would say in my experience, Hinge may be a good shout for you to use to find sporty guys. Although tbh there is the same selection usually on all of them! And in terms of not finding ones that are avoidant, that is a big challenge! I’m a magnet for narcissistic avoidants. I wouldn’t waste money with a match subscription as it really is the same faces that you see on everything else.

So an update from me…

I am five weeks in to seeing the guy I knew from when we were kids and it’s going well! In fact, we went on a trip together with the youngest kids as “friends” and had an amazing time.

Now trying to keep channeling the advice my friend gave me and enjoy the experience and let it play out without all the usual anxieties it provokes! 😬

@VanillaSox

Definitely Hinge is place for you. I’m in my 50’s and the complete opposite to sporty and it’s tumbleweed for me as it’s full of very active men who spend every weekend up a mountain or in Lycra on a bike!

I’ve come off all the apps now. I’ve got to the realisation that after only 8 dates in nearly 2 years and only 1 that led to a 2nd that they’re just not for me. I don’t find them fun or enjoyable, just tedious and dull. Even when I match, I struggle to be bothered to respond. Think the single life works better for me at this stage of my life.

@VanillaSox about Mr Builder… when he said he had a nice time, did you just reply with a positive emoji or wrote something as well?

@SamW98 🥂

Sounds like you have a clear idea what you want, and would only be interested in being with someone that fits that, right?

One of the things I noticed on the apps for me was I liked maybe 3-4 men out of 100s of men in my area enough to swipe right on. And struggled to get enthusiastic enough about almost any of them even though I’m sure they were lovely people. Enjoyed chatting to them to fill the void but no excitement along the lines of ‘oh I’d love to meet this person and see what happens’.

I’ve been chatting to Mr Workcrush pretty non-stop all week. He’s interesting. I just wonder if he is just a bit bored at work and enjoys chatting to a woman or is there more to it. Conversations are quite substantial and nice, certainly no one-word answers.

@VanillaSox Mr Builder- maybe he thought you didn't seem too interested if only responding by an emoji? But if left on read, I'd block and move on. Re apps, what is good in Bumble is that you can filter out by how active they are.

@Bestlife18 this is good news. Just try and enjoy!
Im 8 weeks in with Mr chilled and still good. A completely different experience to previous people in a good way!

@ElleintheWoods

Ive tried to be a lot more flexible but I just find at mid 50’s the pickings are very very very slim indeed

I get a few matches but most of them don’t go beyond a few messages. I just can’t deal with the one word and closed responses. And the ones who start of seeking promising usually try to turn the chat sexual before meeting up despite me being very clear it’s not what I’m interested in.

When I see people say date several men at same time and have different dates each week I think how? I can count on my fingers the ones I’ve been interested in enough to meet in two years.

The only guy I met who I felt an attraction to told me after the second date that he has untreatable ED which obviously was a deal breaker.

Ive got a large circle of single friends and all have had similar experiences. My friends have been single between 2 and 12 years and all just feel there’s no one out there.

@SamW98 Oh god, yes, they certainly don’t sound like they’re worth the effort! For me, unless they are enthusiastically sending paragraph long messages talking about interesting topics, I’m not interested. I thrive on conversations, so one word/ closed responses is my main hard no.

Some people probably just have a different ‘strategy’. They cast the net wide and don’t want to miss any ‘opportunities’, maybe they also enjoy dating and really want to be in a relationship. I’m quite happy to meet people that don’t meet a specific criteria but… that initial conversational ‘spark’ has to be there, then if nothing else it’ll just be an interesting few hours. I wouldn’t just meet anyone on a whim, I have better things to do with my time than have coffee with strangers so there’s got to be a reason, I’ve got to find them interesting.

Sounds like you and me are in a place where we are quite happy with our lives, so if we meet someone great, amazing, but wouldn’t compromise, is that fair?

I don’t like being on my own but also I don’t want to be in a situation that causes me stress and doesn’t make me happy/ fulfil my needs, and theirs, compatibility is more important now.

Ah that’s brilliant @Tillievanilly - this is the same for me. Totally different experience entirely. I am trying so hard to go with the flow and not overthink!! I was saying to a friend today that this is totally different and she said “he just sounds like a normal person!” 😂

I think you got it! My friend said that I should have said more…but I am new to this-there is clearly so much subtext in what is (and isn’t ) said in WhatsApps…. She said an emoji is just lazy and can be construed as dismissive😔😔Will be more aware in future…

@VanillaSox

Have to admit I do agree with your friend. If someone messaged me or replied to a message with just an emoji I’d delete. It can come across as lazy even if it’s not meant that way. I would just think ‘use words ffs’

But we all live and learn

@VanillaSox @SamW98 yes I’m afraid by many people this would be interpreted as ‘thanks but I’m not interested’. I would certainly interpret it that way if it was me.

Man: ‘Had a really nice time tonight, would be great to see you again soon’
Reply:
👍 = Yeah, whatever
😊 = I’m pleased you did

Etc. I can’t really imagine an emoji that I’d construe as ‘yes me too, would love to, when are you thinking?’

People that don’t know you don’t know your style of communication, so one has got to be pretty direct/ write what they mean without leaving too much room for interpretation, I’d say.