Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@cassiatwenty I’m fairly sure the male poster isn’t ‘scared’ 🤣 if you are looking for male perspectives there are plenty of Reddit forums - over 40 dating, over 30 dating you name it with absolutely tons of male points of view 😃. Strangely this website is called MUMSNET is it not???

AIBU is over there ---> 👉

@Newbeginning12 🤡

@RosieAway what was the date like? Why do you think you’re in the friend zone? Was there any physical contact like hugs etc?

@Londonguy84 interesting… I never understand what people mean by ‘spark’. What’s the expectation, love at first sight on first date? Coming out of a first date I could only say ‘ok, they seem nice, I liked chatting to them’ or ‘we have nothing in common/ they seem a bit of a dick’. Not much else!

@ElleintheWoods thanks for asking… it was great. Like last time, long time spent having lunch, drinks, walking around aimlessly. He got talking about dating and how it was weird on apps and nice to meet people without that context - which is what we are doing. I go a bit blank though… I didn’t really suggest another meet and neither did he, just what we were up to in next week or so. Yep big hugs hello and goodbye, kiss on cheek goodbye. I think it’s all very normal, I’m just brainwashed by the fast intensity of apps!

@Londonguy84 Interesting perspective! It does take a while for people to get to know each other and feel comfortable, so hopefully things progress and you both feel comfortable with more. I agree with @ElleintheWoods it's feels like pressure to have those feelings on a first date. Do you feel like things might be worthwhile with girl B? Good idea, mini-golf.

Sorry I’ve missed quite a lot of posts. @Londonguy84 hope crazy golf goes well, that’s a good idea for a date!

@RosieAway I have no idea, I can’t flirt either haha. Could you just go in for a kiss? Can’t be more obvious than that that he’s out the friend zone!

Had third date/meet up with the guy from Tinder today. Went really well again, I really like him and the chemistry is insane. We’ve both come off Tinder now. I had thought I was just looking for a FWB type relationship but I’ve only ever had long term relationships before. Three dates in and I know that’s not what I want. I want to fall in love and get married and go on holidays and maybe have babies! Not necessarily with this man I should add 🤣! But I’ve realized FWB just wouldn’t be for me.

@RosieAway Apps are definitely full on and intense, I realised even if I meet a Greek Adonis, I couldn't possibly fall in love on such a short time-span.

@MessyNDepressy I fully agree. Sometimes I think I want FWB but then I can't help but wonder how it would feel to have a proper boyfriend, go on dates and holidays (not sure about babies yet).

But it doesn't have to be a binary choice! Sexual attraction does play a part in how people get together. It wouldn't hurt, iykwim 😊

@cassiatwenty seriously you need to check out those Reddit forums. I think you are really looking for more male perspectives and you’ll be struggling with the volume of those on mumsnet

@RosieAway
I think if he mentioned app dating and implied you were on a date, you are certainly in with a shot, I'd say. Would you say he is maybe a bit shy/serious?

Like I have mentioned before, I have only really done IRL, and found the app dating so intense in that way, physical contact/ clear intentions out there so quickly! This sounds lovely. I take it you message between dates?

I met a man on an app that we had a lovely relationship with for a short while. It was near perfect, actually. First date we just chatted and laughed, I wasn't sure if he was into me. Second date was the same, we had one particular common interest, so talked about that a lot. I didn't pick up whether he fancied me, I suppose arranging meets and texting every day in between were clues though. And giving long lingering hugs. He had to tell me!! Actually spelled it out, 'I am very attracted to you', on third date. Before that I wasn't sure...

I think some men are quite respectful, not hands-on, first few dates. And remember they are also trying to figure out if you are into them and if any advances would be welcome.

Maybe figuring out your dynamic over text is a way to go? E.g. say something flirty and see how he responds. Or see if he says something like it, and then give the sort of response that implies attraction is mutual?

Do you fancy him?

@ElleintheWoods yes it’s actually bonkers how fast OLD is… so weird to meet someone and have them tell you their feelings about you after sometimes the first date?! It kind of feels like everything is fast tracked and that’s why it often falls apart.

What happened to your near-perfect guy?

Well we were talking in general about apps not that we were on an actual date. But I guess we pretty much were. Yes, he’s shy and a bit serious. I am super cautious after being in two emotionally abusive relationships previously. We both talk a lot about therapy and stuff like that. Weirdly we did chat about doing something with our kids (similar age and vaguely know each other) - but that would def put it in the friend zone wouldn’t it?! I’d normally never introduced DC to ANY man for… years… but this feels totally different.

Yes I do fancy him. Esp when he kissed me on cheek. But feel I’ve made most of the “running” - he also hasn’t messaged the day after both meet ups now! Although did message right after

Awww this is great news @MessyNDepressy ! I know you aren't head over heels over this guy, but I am really rooting for him... Amazing sex and great chemistry and a decent guy, I'd kill for that right now... Haha. Fair enough he isn't super tall and obsessed with animals (hope I've got the right guy?!) but this sounds like a really great start, just enjoy and see what happens.

I'm quite pessimistic about my prospects right now. Mr FridayNightText seems really quite interested in me, but seems to overthink it massively and want something very serious, but there's some characteristics about him that make me unsure. There's 2 guys at work I like, used to talk with one quite a lot and we went for lunch, but nothing since. The other has been acting like a bit of a dick towards some others, so that's starting to put me off.

@RosieAway yes completely agree with you re OLD pace. It just doesn't work for me, I can't tell someone after one date of I fancy them or not.

He sounds really lovely. Just maybe taking it a bit slower and actually wanting to get to know you, if he is comfortable talking about therapy I'd imagine he is quite in touch with his feeling and more aware/ considerate than the average man. I think the line between friendship/ romance can sometimes be blurred too if you are getting to know one another and have common interests? How would you feel about doing something with the kids, are you leaning against it?

I wouldn't write him off, he perhaps sounds a bit more... grounded. Perhaps give him a bit of space to message you, he very probably will, and then you'll have more reassurance he is keen.

Ah the near perfect guy... We met on OLD. He wasn't fully my usual type, but actually being with him and the kind of relationship we had made me realise that maybe I need to update my 'type'! We dated for a few months, i was never in love with him but really enjoyed how we were, and could have fallen for him. I'm not really sure what exactly happened. It almost feels like he never had proper feelings for me but for some reason kept organising lovely dates with me hoping they would develop? On paper we were a great fit so maybe that's why. The real kicker was, I went back on OLD some time after to get over him and it suggested him as my best match 😂

I definitely went through a stage of 'yes but this new potential guy isn't anywhere near as good as x'. I'm over it now but felt like that short relationship really helped raise my standards and see what's possible.

I do think OLD isn’t for me. I am a very slow burn sort of girl and I don’t find it easy to build a connection quickly. I have had a few pleasant dates but only one I actually wanted to see again. That one felt different. I remember thinking ‘I hope he likes me’ whereas the others I knew I wouldn’t see them again after 1 date.

But I don’t know the answer because very rarely meet anyone ‘in the wild’

I work from home 80% of the time and even when I’m in the office there’s about 6 people in there - and no single men at sll

Ivd got a very active social life and know a lot of people but I very rarely meet anyone new - I’ve chatted to 3 guys in the last 3/4 years out and about. It’s always been that way though, I’ve never been someone who has chats with random strangers even in my younger days.

@SamW98 yep everything about OLD is unnatural IMO. I think some, very few people are lucky, but by its very nature it’s a flawed concept. Especially given the interface of the apps. Like shopping.

The only advice I can give is do something different. Volunteer, working holiday, work from a cafe or shared workspace, strike up a conversation with someone when out - push your comfort zones. There’s nothing to lose.

That said I barely meet anyone in the wild either

@SamW98 how can you decide so quickly they aren't for you? I never can unless they do something that's off. Do you look for things like 'chemistry'/ attraction or more on-paper things like whether you have something in common/ conversation flows?

I'm guessing you live away from the big cities?

I know I need to be a little less dismissive of 'chatty people'. I was out at the swimming club a few weeks ago and a really attractive guy (although I think he has a girlfriend!!) waved at me from afar enthusiastically and signalled to come over. We don't usually talk and thought it a bit strange so pretty much just ignored him. Feel like if I'd be more receptive to chatty people I'd meet more people.

@ElleintheWoods good advice, thank you.

Oh that sounds a bit confusing about that guy… great that it served to raise your standards though! Sometimes it’s almost right, but something is slightly not falling into place…

Hmmm yes... My friends started labelling it as 'the OLD success story' very quickly because of how lovely and considerate he was. He wasn't lovebombing but would always make sure to have a long call with me or send very substantial messages in the evening, for example. Remembered everything to do with my important life events. Really romantic, beautiful first kiss. Would make proper date plans in advance, comfortable about progressing the relationship, really good, substantial conversations. And he was a good-looking board level exec, driven but caring.

When I became single in mid-30s I definitely paid too much attention to the ones that say 'oh, all desireable men will want someone in their 20s' etc. Being with him made me realise that actually, men with decent values aren't so close-minded as to only chase 20-somethings, and it's possible to end up with someone really really good with similar interests. No need to compromise just to 'be with someone'. When I first tried OLD I was certainly giving men who were simply too old for me too much of a shot because I thought that was the 'age range'.

I live just off the M25 so in a decent size town but the social scene here is young - very bling flash TOWIE types in most of the bars so I tend to socialise in various places. My main interest is dance music. I’ve pretty much been around the house scene my entire adult life so don’t really know anything else.
And I think I’d find it hard to be with someone who didn’t get that world if that makes sense.

I’ve had quite a lot of snidey comments from guys when I tell them that’s what I do most weekends - there’s a lot of judgement from people who don’t know that world.

In the interests of joining in (again, as I have been extremely active in previous threads), I’m thinking of going back on the apps next month. I’ve not been on the apps for a few years due to a relationship and a busy work schedule. I’m looking for a man who is not too outdoorsy, are there any apps that those kind of men go to? Or are they all the same?

Also, Bumble has changed since I was last on it, and I understand men can message you first? Do I need to have a subscription for that or not?

MeAgainAndAgain

I would say avoid Hinge. Every man on there seems to spend weekends hiking, kayaking, paddle boarding followed by a long walk and a pub roast. I’ve put on there I hate activity dates and it’s been tumbleweed 🤣

Men can message first on bumble without either of you paying but I’m not sure many of them worked that out yet

Ok, I’m definitely not up for kayaking etc etc. I’d do a gentle stroll for a few hours every few weeks, but there’s no point matching with the type of person who is off doing things that need equipment all the time.

I think (?) I was on Hinge in the past, and had very very little engagement. I could never work out why as it’s always mentioned in the top apps, the busiest ones. Bumble was better.

Anyone vegetarian? If so, have you tried any vegetarian ones? Might seem odd to the non vegetarians but there’s quite a lot of ‘love to spend every Sunday at the barbecue fondling my meat’ that I’ve seen.

@SamW98 heard some iconic clubs/raves in London were relaunching, but catering for over 30s/over 40s as this clientele is far more interested. And of course, have money to spend as well. I presume you frequent a few of those? Sounds like a fun lifestyle to share with a likeminded partner. I used to work with a guy who's about 50 now but was a big part of that scene and he was such fun on a night out.

@MeAgainAndAgain are you rural or urban? I'm quite rural and was in the habit of swiping through all the men within a 15 mile radius, as there aren't that many. On Bumble this was a proper job. On Hinge there were far less, I'd say it took me maybe 20 mins to swipe through every single nearby profile (and that's including stopping longer on inetresting profiles). I'd assume it's maybe popular in urban areas and with 20-somethings?

Are there vegetarian dating apps now?

I'm feeling a bit more hopeful again. Guy I like at work took me for lunch today, and we were chatting on work chat about our lives outside work all day. I'm quite confident he is single as no gf was mentioned during various conversations where it would have come up. He has been trying to chat to me for months now without any professional reason so think he likes me - or maybe he is just very bored!! I'm only taking it as a nice distraction for now, as I would only get with someone from work if there's proper feelings involved - otherwise too risky! But been feeling quite down hobbling around with my fractured leg in a moon boot while everyone is out having fun, so a bit of attention is nice.

@ElleintheWoods I’m right on the edge of a city. But I’d rather date in the other direction, the rural/town side. I was thinking to go up to 35 miles, as I’d only be looking in one direction if you see what I mean. The vast majority of places I drive to are in that direction, I avoid going through the city and out so just stick to my side of it.

20 somethings? Erm no, I’m looking for more like 50 somethings!

There is a vegetarian one I was on some years ago but it was very slow. Not many people, just sluggish.

It seems good that you’re having lunches with a work colleague, but I agree to be cautious. Unless one of you is planning to leave it could get awkward.

@ElleintheWoods ah work guy sounds good! Fingers crossed for this. I like that he’s been keen to talk to you.

MeAgainAndAgain

I get that. I live right by M25 but I don’t want to go into London for dating. I don’t mind the odd night out there but I don’t want any a life going in and out of town. I prefer places I can drive to - 30 miles going towards North Essex/Herts/South Suffolk is much easier than 12 miles towards London.