Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

I just joined OLD tonight after 15 months of it and honestly I just don’t think it’s for me. Surely there must be some other way 🙏

Sure there is... Do you meet men through work/ friends/ similar? Events?

Back in the day before OLD somehow people still coupled up! I was just thinking of Bridget Jones and how she met one of the guys through work and the other at her parents' party... I'm sure this still happens! People meeting at weddings etc, or old flames finding out you're single and getting in touch?

How have you previously met men if not OLD?

Sadly all the men in my work are married and I don’t know any friends with single male friends. The only possible other avenue I think would be sports clubs of some kind. I’ve always wanted to try climbing and been quite fit in the past but I’m suffering with a chronic fatigue condition so struggling to get to the fitness needed.

Had a second date with the guy I met on Thursday yesterday. Went really well, we’re both hugely attracted to each other and he’s definitely a good guy. Just not 100% sure if a deeper connection will build in time or not. Seeing him again on Tuesday for a walk with my dog which could be make or break - if my 40kg dog doesn’t like him that would be the end of that! Well for anything serious anyway.

It’s weird though, he’s not an animal person and is only about an inch or so taller than me. We met on Tinder and if I’d known that before hand I wouldn’t have even swiped on him yet I liked him instantly and I think he’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life 😂.

I have no idea where I’d meet men IRL, I do think men are much less likely to approach women these days unless it’s in a bar or something. I work in a predominantly female industry so it’s really unlikely I’d meet someone there although, I met my last ex of 5 years there so you never know.

@BloodyWolves I just joined online dating last week but my friend gave me some advice beforehand about how to never give too much headspace to someone you’ve not even met yet and to only accept solid plans. There’s a lady I follow on Instagram who is great with responses for that sort of stuff, her name is Michelle Lelman. Sure she’s written some books too!

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle how long ago did you split up? I have found that only recently I’ve felt truly ready to date again. It took me about 3 years to get over my ex. Part of me is glad I took the time and now I know I’m 100% ready to move on but another part is sad about all that time I wasted.

@MessyNDepressy been just under a year. Were, I thought, still working for 'us' in October but apparenty he had checked out prior although he never mentioned to me and we were still intimate etc but technically around oct/nov last year. I am happy single but I do hear advice that it takes the edge off to date again etc I am just not sure how that works for me. I was single for years before I met him too.

Well I’m feeling a bit rubbish about the whole OLD thing … was seeing someone from OLD for a few months. His comms were rubbish and so we talked it through and basically he said he couldn’t give me what (he thought) I wanted. I’m a bit floored by the fact that I didn’t think I was that bothered about him but it’s actually made me feel really rubbish. So in true MN style, I decided to crack on as I’d been on a couple of dates with a lovely, lovely bloke but I don’t think that’s going to work out as the sex was rubbish and sex is important to me. My online subscription typically ran out last week and I live in a small town where there are few options men wise 😭😭🤣

@Newbeginning12 Hmmm yes I get that. It’s a bit different for me as I work in a big corporate company with lots of men of varying ages, and also where I live (small rural village), when you’re out and about, it’s not unusual to get talking to someone. Just the lack of men who would be a good fit for me is a challenge, so I’m making an effort to go to more professional events in the city and engage more in causes. I do this for personal growth but on a side note I think that’s where my kind of men would be.

Do the climbing, it’s fun and doesn’t require a huge amount of fitness at beginner level. CF is horrible (had a close friend who had it) but it could be a nice non-committal hobbie for days when you feel better, and tends to attract nice inclusive people.

@MessyNDepressy sounds awesome, good luck! That’s what I don’t like about dating apps, you can easily miss out on great people based on narrow criteria.
Agree about not giving people headspace before you’re more advanced... In OLD generally I wouldn’t think too much about someone unless we’ve met many times and it’s heading towards a relationship.

@Browniesandcustard just sounds like neither of those guys were right for you and good that you found out early. How much further afield from your town would you date?

Also, ladies, do you have any rules about how quickly you’d have sex with someone?

@ElleintheWoods Never on the first date. It always backfires. Easy come easy go and all that. Ideally getting to know someone well before DTD because it changes the whole dynamic. Unless of course sex is all you want then it doesn't matter that much.

Last month I had a nice moment with someone I met in the wild. He seemed like a nice bloke. He gave me lots of compliments but when it was time for a second date, it didn't happen which I did anticipate. I immediately blocked and deleted him, and he was dead to me.

That's my dealbreaker. I don't care so much about your charm and your compliments as much as I care if you're a reliable person.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle Yeah that’s still quite fresh and raw. I tried a few times to move on earlier than I was ready to speed the “getting over him” process up but it didn’t work for me. Everyone is different though, some people definitely find getting back out there helps.

@ElleintheWoods We’ll see how it goes but I’m feeling pretty positive about it just now, looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I don’t think he’s “the one” but I think I’ll probably have a great time with him for now and who knows where it will go.

I had in my head that I would have a three date rule minimum but that went out the window and I slept with this guy on the first date 😳. I’ve never done that in my life before but I don’t regret it at all. Not something I’d want to make a regular thing for future potential new dates but I wouldn’t like to wait too long either. Sex is important to me, I’d like to make sure it’s going to be good/we’ll be sexually compatible before getting in too deep. I have friends who have waited months and then been ghosted after sex! I think if someone is going to treat you poorly they’ll do so whether you sleep with them quickly or take your time so it’s just down to personal choice.

It’s interesting looking at this thread, seeing a woman’s perspective as a man.

I’ve been on two dates in the last three weeks, both very different.

girl a) - She initiated sexual talk quite early on, before we met - We met for a drink, not right for either of us in terms of a relationship, but would see her again for some casual dating, but since then she has continued to send me provocative pics and videos ( some naked ) and when I’ve tried to suggest meeting up again she goes silent for days on end.

girl b) lovely girl, spent 5 hours together, got on well, a few awkward silences but overall a good date. I have since suggested meeting up again and she keeps avoiding the question so I’m stuck in limbo. Messages are still being sent and it’s like she wants to still keep in contact.

confused.com about both!!

@MessyNDepressy @cassiatwenty interesting perspectives, thank you. So I don’t really have any experience in dating ‘strangers’. I’ve always only gone on dates with people I already know for a long time. Thus OLD was a really novel experience to me.

For me trust/comfort is so important when it comes to sex and I can’t fully relax with someone I’ve just met. I’d want to really let go and enjoy it. When I was doing OLD a couple of guys seemed to have the ‘sex on third date’ idea. When I turned them down despite showing affection and interest in other ways they seemed really confused and pretty much asked ‘did I do anything wrong?’

Do you feel like that’s a pretty ingrained rule when it comes to dating?

I am how I am and I’m not going to have sex with someone before I feel ready. But that’s another reason why OLD doesn’t agree with me, pressure to judge compatibility with someone really quickly as opposed to hanging out and getting to know them.

@ElleintheWoods

I’ve not got to a third date yet since I’ve been single (nearly 5 years) so the 3 date rule never gone come into play but previously I’ve found I can’t even think about sex until I feel there’s a connection and that takes more than 3 dates for me.
I don’t even kiss on the first date let alone shag 🤣

Oh wow! And thought that women had it hard 🙈

First one… I think maybe get rid. Women that want a guy that they’ve met just once to see them naked… Perhaps have some self-esteem issues. Perhaps she wants to be told that she’s hot and sexy (hence the pictures) but isn’t actually emotionally ready for something real.

Second one - how are you suggesting this meet-ups? Are you casually dropping into the conversation ‘when we see each other again’ or being a bit more concrete? E.g. ‘Hey, I’m thinking about brunch in x place on Saturday, would you like to make it our 2nd date?’ Obviously not these words exactly but concrete plans tend to get concrete answers. I’ve had guys be a bit vague in the past and then implied that I didn’t seem keen enough on doing something with them.

Not entirely convinced women behave much better on OLD than men do, we probably deserve each other 😂 Women certainly ghost and use men for an ego boost as well.

Yes similar to me, it’s not a rule I have, more how I feel.

I’ve kissed on first dates but have noticed that when a guy tries to push it further i clam up and don’t feel comfortable. I just don’t feel attracted to anyone right away, it really takes time for me. No interest in sex with them but once the connection is there… 🐅

Dare I ask what do you do for sex? I’m struggling with the lack of sex badly, especially now that it’s summertime. There’s someone at work I am attracted to and I woke up this morning having had quite an elaborate inappropriate dream about him!

I haven’t had sex since March 2020 and it’s very very very difficult. I’ve always had a very active sex life in relationships and a high sex drive. But I’ve just not met anyone and I can’t do casual so I don’t know what the answer is.

Thanks, that’s really helpful.

girl a) - would only ever be a bit of fun, I’m not interested in a relationship with someone that acts like that. She sent me another video on Friday and when I questioned her why she keeps sending me videos and pics of her naked she said ‘thought it would brighten up your day’ she does look damn hot naked though!

girl b) I’ve not suggested a specific place or time, I have said ‘let me know if you’re free one evening this week/weekend if you would like to do x y z. I think she will slowly ghost me and communication will dwindle rather than her tell me outright she’s not interested so as not to hurt me.

it’s all fun and games isn’t it!

@Londonguy84 so you feel like woman number 2 isn’t that interested in you after all? Are you interested in her? Would you rather be told outright?

Are you sure woman number 1 doesn’t charge for her services? 😂 It just sounds so strange!! But I do feel like she has something going on if she’s highly sexual online but not so much in person.

I hope you’ve previously had better luck than those 2 ladies!

I went on a date with a man that lived down the road from me. (Live in a small place so not many eligible singles here) Really good conversations prior, date was fine as well, kept texting afterwards, it had a nice vibe. However, he sent topless selfies of himself and kept hinting he wanted to receive something of me! In fact he seemed to be a whole lot more interested in staying home and sexting as opposed to meeting more times and this potentially progressing to real sex! Just why?! (I can come up with a few reasons so rhetorical question but… people!)

Yes, I think woman number 2 is lovely; and I’d love to see her again. I hope she feels the same but I’m confused why she isn’t giving me a yes or a no to meeting again. I mean the date was five hours long, so one would assume it went well. There was flirtyness , certainly from my end ( she knew my signals prior to the date) and she was, I think flirty back. Of course I’d rather be told outright, it seems weird to keep messaging if she doesn’t see a second date, but, I also kind of don’t want to hear a no 😂

woman number 1 is just plain confusing. It’s likely if I suggest meeting again I won’t get a message back, just another naked video or picture of her.

not sure why any man would prefer pics rather the real thing!

Last month or so have been so busy dating wise. I realised that I would rather try for LTR.

There are no shortcuts for anything I'm afraid. You can't meet someone fit and build a foundation with him for a relationship over night.

At the same time it's hard to discern how much good communication, integrity and trust make your life easier if you never dated anyone like that.

And you can't be nice and polite and accomodating to everyone because then it wouldn't matter if you gave these things to those that truly deserved it.

I still would like to fall in love and experience passion but I just didn't feel that recently.

@Londonguy84 Oh some men are definitely really nervous about sex! Body issues, ED, first time with someone new after 10-15 years with the same person… I think internet sex is a lot easier for people - what they get out of it I’m not sure, but no chance of getting hurt or ending up in complications. Maybe that’s part of the story with your naked lady!

@Londonguy84 i think girl 1 is looking for attention/ego boost but if you want fun then she’s probably up for it
With girl 2 could you suggest a day your free and see if she responds otherwise it could be pointless messaging if she disappears.

Another good meet up with Mr IRL. But how on earth do I take it from friends zone to date zone? I cannot flirt. He’s great but I’m not giving out any flirty vibes… help

so, I ripped off the plaster with both girls last night.

Messaged girl 1 and asked if she was free this week, she had previously mentioned she likes the fair and prior to us meeting we talked about massages. So, I asked if she wanted to do the fair and come back to mine afterwards for a massage.( basically an innuendo for some fun ) I Told her not to worry if she didn't want to and if i didn't hear back i'll leave her be. Message was read within 5 minutes with no reply. So, I'll leave her alone now. No doubt I'll get another video this week but rather than respond i'll ignore.

I also messaged girl two last night. I felt it was pointless messaging each other if she didn't see things going any further. As i feared, she said she didn't feel the same spark but felt it might grow, said i was a lovely guy and would like to meet up again. So, we have arranged to meet this weekend, doing something fun, like crazy golf. She said she liked that idea and was looking forward to it.

Now I'm not naïve enough to realise that things probably won't move forward and her feelings will change, but I'm now in a but of a conundrum as to how i should act. I am naturally quite a touchy feely flirty person, do i continue this or back off? Do i go for a kiss at some point in the hope it might ignite a spark? I don't want to, if it's not already, go into the friend zone

@Londonguy84

I’m not really commenting as I’m not following the thread as it’s too fast moving, but don’t call women girls. They’re women. That is all.