Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

So he replied and we even went over to WhatsApp but I was getting a feeling by his responses, which were getting further and further apart as the night went on, that he wasn't looking for what I'd thought he was. He also was very honest about being part of the cannabis community which isn't something I'm a supporter of at all. But he lives a distance away and I want something casual, so I thought I can overlook it, as he's not smoking constantly.
Then mid conversation, he simply disappeared, I waited half an hour, messaged that I was off to bed and hoped he was ok.
Now It's mid- morning and he has a pooch, he'll be up and about, and nothing.
We move on.
I can overlook a substance I'll never come into contact with whilst in your company, and something you do in your own time. But I shan't overlook rudeness and disrespecting my time.

@BloodyWolves That is a perfect phrase for it! Moon on a stick! Exactly. Common decency, communicational skills, an actual desire to be in an adult partnership feel like normal abilities to me, not super powers and yet 🤔
Hopefully he'll have messaged by now and made firm plans for today! Or at the very least mentioned the meet up, so you can casually drop in you'll need time and a schedule in order to un-Annabelle yourself or something cute yet get the answers you need.

@SamW98 I shouldn't be, but I'm flabbergasted at someone paying for a site to enter into a relationship and then simply say I'm not looking for that, I'm looking for no strings attached sex. There are other sites for that, why be on Match!! It's bloody maddening, I'm so sorry. I'm frustrated with you!!
I saw once a reel video from a middle aged, well to do looking guy who explained, that basically men lie and say they want LTR when all they want is SEX...because by stating LTR they'll attract the women who are clean (in every sense of the word), decent and presentable. They fear if they are upfront with what they want they either won't get it, or will be offered it by less desirable women.

I suspect your Man 2 has he's own insecurities or experiences which could be why he lashed out with his comment. But not an attractive trait.
I hope you have a fantastic day at the beach with your friends today and who knows!! Maybe you will pull a man 😆 Have fun.

I’ve decided to sack it off. He messaged this morning but it was just a reply to what I said last night. Nothing about meeting and I have made it clear to him I’m up for it. I don’t want to be potentially entering into something where I have to do the running all the time. I also don’t think it’s fair he’s left me hanging like this on his whim. It doesn’t bode well.

My ex was a twat but he was so proactive in setting up the first meet. I want that energy without the arsehole elements please! It’s a shame they don’t make them to order 😂

I'm starting to give up . These men are pathetic!

Ohhhh ffs David!!!! what a prat!

Looking through the app this morning and see that a guy I think is gorgeous has messaged. Check his profile and he’s 200 miles away. Look through his photos anyway because of the aforementioned gorgeousness and he’s very obviously wearing a wedding ring 🤦‍♀️

My Lord! What is wrong with them honestly?
Could he have possibly taken the pic on Snapchat, because if so it flips it so it's mirrored? I KNOW that's unlikely but just checking.

Also what I've found with ones miles away is some are on their summer hols with kids .

I have pics up with a ring on my right hand but when i take selfies looks like it is on the left!

I want to add a different perspective here. I've been on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder and Feeld. 53, living in Europe. Sure, I've met married men who haven't been honest about their situation (ie married and not planning on divorcing). But I've also met plenty of decent men, who are exasperated by the similar experience that women on here seem to have; ie being ghosted, endless chat rather than wanting to meet in real life, photos that are unrepresentative, personal situations that turn out to be unrealistic for dating etc. They are also confused by the dating 'rules' - ie when to show you're keen etc. And many are cross that they are continually expected to foot the bill for every first date. I used to say beforehand I'd like to go 50/50 - saves any awkwardness later and it's fair.

I've been seeing someone for over a month and it's going well!

Yes you have to kiss a few frogs! I’ve met a few that I’ve dated for a good few months. Current one is going well. Both met through apps. Personally I pay for apps for a short amount of time as I can see who likes me and more chances with matches. I then take a break. I always watch actions. If someone’s a poor communicator I back away. Have your rules. I’ve met plenty of nice guys who were t for me. A few crazy types. But I go into it with a see what happens process. I think the ones that have lasted longer is because I’ve been in a good place/ready.

Oh it definitely goes both ways! I know someone that goes on a dating app when she wants to be taken out for an expensive meal in the city. Rules are certainly confusing for both parties.

Can I ask where in Europe you are, eg south, east, north? I tried Bumble in Italy once and there seemed to be absolutely nobody on it, maybe 20 profiles in a large city!

Personally I’ve not had a bad experience per se with anyone I’ve met that way, only fairly decent guys, but just not relationship material. I do feel like many people go on there to bring a bit of excitement into their lives than looking for a happily ever after.

Hi all… sorry to hear about the false starts, flakiness and let downs. I honestly think they just want validation but can’t be arsed attempting a relationship.

To be honest, I don’t know if I can be arsed attempting a relationship either!

Mr IRL and I have kept messaging and planning to meet Tues. It’s still just friends no other chat about relationships etc which actually feel way way more normal than launching into dating for me?! That said, it could actually just be a friends thing 😂

Thing is he seems a decent guy and yet I’m not sure he’s asked all that much stuff about me. We talk about ideas etc in general but I’m aware of not being another support spaniel for some selfish bloke

How did you meet? 😊 @RosieAway

And sorry I know I’m posting a lot this weekend, stuck in bed with a broken leg so living vicariously through other people’s dating lives haha!

I’ve had a couple of encounters recently (well, would be exaggerating to call them encounters) where I’m thinking, should I have done something? Went to a book launch last weekend. Eyes met with this man who was quite attractive, both smiled. Then we just kept glancing at each other and smirking. However neither of us started a conversation - well apparently for men in the current climate chatting up woman in a public place is not appropriate, I’ve been told. Should I have started a conversation? In the end we just smiled at each other and went our own separate ways as neither would approach the other!

Next time when something like this happens I’ll just go over and say hi, I’ve decided. Life’s too short.

I’m so bloody pissed off! Not heard anything from that guy since this morning which was a normal, not arranging anything message. He told me he’d let me know today when he got back from his work trip the plan and nothing. Essentially he’s left me hanging all day.

If he messages me again I’m so tempted to say something. Nothing horrible, along the lines of ‘you do realise you’ve left me hanging all day right? If you changed your mind or weren’t interested I’d seriously rather you just said’. I know it’s more dignified to just ignore but I think I’d get more satisfaction from telling him that treatment isn’t ok and then deleting his number.

@ElleintheWoods definitely go and speak to them next time! That’s basically how I met Mr IRL… just out and began chatting briefly. Followed his IG (was easier as he was performing so wasn’t hard to find) and then a few months later got chatting there.

Yes think a lot of the decent guys I know would be too shy or awkward to approach a woman these days. I just risk the embarrassment!

@BloodyWolves it is sooo crap of him. Clearly need to walk away but yeah, I’d probably put the boot in a big first. As long as you don’t risk getting sucked back in. Because they never fully change from that behaviour IMO

@RosieAway I messaged! I couldn’t help myself. He replied pretty quickly with a weak apology/excuse about only now getting home. Basically he’d lost interest I think. I’ve unmatched and I’m not going to reply to it.
He’s actually going to a gig I’m going to next week. I really hope I don’t bump into him but the 5’’3 man with Harry Potter style round glasses is quite hard to miss 😅

@JaquiRussell oh and urghhh… sounds like he was a waste of your time and someone you’d likely not hit it it off with IRL? I get the sense some of these guys know they’d be a bit disappointing in the flesh so sabotage before that happens. Along with just being generally all over the place

@RosieAway yes you are right, I shall. The more I speak to men, the more they seem to say that it's drilled into them they shouldn't approach women in public spaces. Especially the more bookish/ socially aware type I like. So think in a situation like this it's either for the woman to start the conversation or nada.

I'm definitely going down the IRL-only route now.

Would you usually expect the guy to start talking about dating and romance in early messages? I've found it common in OLD (people seem to get attached and talk about what a future relationship could look like really quickly?!) and found it strange as I had previously only met people IRL, and they never did that until we had at least kissed or more.

@BloodyWolves never plan your weekend around a flakey man. I've had it a couple of times recently where people have tired to make plans with less than 24h notice. Replying 'oh so sorry, didn't hear from you so I've gone to [enter exciting activity you're doing instead], maybe another time' is so satisfying. Previously I've been very flexible at times cos I've wanted to see them and that's when they get the vibe you'll be at their beck and call. It's important they know from the outset you aren't, and value your time.

bummed out by OLD and just wanted to read others experiences and have a moan 😂

I met a guy on Hinge recently, he wanted a long term relationship but he also wasn’t sure about having kids /marriage anytime soon. I really appreciated he was so honest. I know it’s the bare minimum but so many men will string you along. He was still so sweet when I told him I Didn’t think we were compatible. I sometimes worry men will turn nasty online but so far it’s never really happened.

Other than that my recent experiences of OLD have been quite negative. I usually end the chat within the same day or a couple of days. The last guy I was speaking to on Hinge said “can I get to you know you” I was like what do you mean? And he said “what’s your job, interests, background etc” he actually wrote etc 😵‍💫

I felt like he just couldn’t be arsed having a proper natural conversation and was just trying to extract key info from me (including my occupation) using as few words as possible. All a bit of a red flag.

I replied in detail and also asked him what he liked doing, and he was so brief in his reply and didn’t ask anything else.

I said something then he was like “yea”

I said “the conversation isn’t flowing so I’ll end it here” and unmatched 🤦🏽‍♀️

I just find increasingly there’s a lot of lazy men with poor conversational skills I’m matching with , although I make it clear on my profile I’m not here for low effort or passive men!

@ElleintheWoods agree, and that’s also the kind of guy that I like (and the kind this one is).

Yes with OLD I found it awkward that things got either sexual or full-blown relationship orientated right away. I guess it’s the context. Whereas IRL there’s an ease of just getting to know each other as friends without any obvious romantic motive? So, nowhere near as much pressure.

This could just be a friends thing which I’d also be happy with :)

Every time I think I am going to open an OLD account I think what if I come across my ex....how will I feel and I know he is out dating and we have split up a while now but I actually came across by absolute chance today - honestly it was very odd - but a pic of him posted out somewhere with his kids and I cried. I still miss him. I miss the asshole that broke my heart, ruined my trust in men and humanity in general and still miss him. So I am clearly not ready to date again. I want to hate him so much. He really did a number on me but I saw his face again and ... well.. I loved him with all of my heart. I cant move on yet.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle oh dear… I know that feeling. But actually the best way to get over him is to date. Don’t let someone who broke your heart take any more time away from you. You can on some sites block specific contacts but now you’ve seen him, hopefully that’s it and you won’t again.

Oh I didnt see him on a dating site, I have no accounts on any at present it was on facebook it came up purely by chance and honestly seeing him it brought back a lot of memories. We had some absolutely amazing times. But he would never acknowledge any wrongdoing on his part, used silence instead of talking about things. We only had a handful of fights but they were big ones because he was avoidant and I needed to talk and communicate. I honestly believed we were going to be together forever and at almost 50 years old (both of us) with teen kids who absolutely adored each other I really wish he had just bloody fought as hard as I did for us. I know now that I was ignoring things but honestly seeing him and the kids just ... I wanted to go back in time.

Anyway I am not over it clearly and I dont want to date another person. I would still feel like I was being disloyal to him which is ridiculous I know. Next man I do go for will not be in the bloody entertainment industry where his stupid (but gorgeous) face can show up from time to time.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle hmmm yes I don't think dating to get over your ex is the best route. If you meet someone that genuinely likes you, it's not fair on them.

I'll be totally honest, I joined OLD to see what it was like out there very soon after a hurtful breakup. I wanted to feel validation and like there was light at the end of the tunnel, essentially a rebound! Just wanted to get out there and mingle and feel wanted again.

If you were dating a man and really liked them and then found out that's where they were at, you'd think they're a massive a-hole and feel used, wouldn't you?

Unfortunately talking to people on OLD and in life, it seems like a lot of people make that their first stop post break-up when their head is all over the place. Hence some of the strange behaviours we see on here, hot and cold, etc.

I'd really recommend taking time to build yourself back up again. Know yourself, what you want and what you deserve, become comfortable and confident being by yourself. As this thread shows, dating can be brutal, so going into it from a fragile place may not be the best thing.

Take time to treat and spoil yourself and do the things your held you back from, sounds like you need it xx

@ElleintheWoods thank you and yes I do believe he would have gone straight back out there after we split for validation and to prove he was not the one in the wrong if hey all these other women want him. I am a totally different person though to him I guess. We both did want forever I just seemed to want it with him that bit more and I was going through a bad time with something else too which he did not seem to support me in - all talk and all that - and it has been almost a year now wince we split up (well since he split up with me, we did try again but I dont think his heart was in it whereas mine was 100% still devoted to 'us' the couple and blended family. I miss the kids, I miss our family outings and I guess thats the crux of it. I miss the future I am not going to have. I still won't let my friends or family speak ill of him, I still say nothing bad about him to anyone but that is my loyalty in a nutshell even when I have fallen out with people in the past I would never say anything about them or talk about them afterwards. Misplaced loyalty in all cases apparently.

But yes I do need to continue to work on myself but sometimes I just really miss what we had and hate he doesn't. THank you for your words though I appreciate them x

I actually think if it was clearly the other person’s issues (like in this case) then taking time to work on yourself is really actually overrated and popularised by social media. Everyone is different and getting out there again purely for validation is different to brushing yourself off and making the most of our very short time. I was totally hung up on my ex who behaved really abusively. It wasn’t until I met a very normal guy who’d never dream of treating me like that that I realised how wrong my ex was and was able to snap out of the sad feelings.