Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

I’m pretty new to the thread, I downloaded Tinder last weekend. I had my first ever date from online dating yesterday. It went really well and we ended up having sex - initiated by me after being so adamant I would never do that that I didn’t even wear matching underwear or shave 😂. I even only fake tanned the bits on show like my legs and arms 🤣. I don’t regret it at all, it had been 3 years for me and I’m only 31 so it was long overdue! Seeing him again tomorrow and I’m really looking forward to it. From reading some of the posts from the past few days though I’m wondering if I should pause my Tinder or something? I’ve had a nosy once or twice. I kind of thought that I would’ve deleted it a few weeks down the line if we’re seeing each other but now I’m not sure.

@MessyNDepressy i wouldn’t pause it. See what happens first. It depends what you are looking for. As you’ve slept together quickly it may become more fwb or not. I’d just wait and see what happens and if it works for you great! But you can still message others or go on more dates if you feel it may be beneficial to meet more people.

Heads up for the mature ladies in SE - if you match with a good looking plumber from a well known horse racing town, he’s not single

Is everyone on this thread exclusively OLDing or anyone using the old-fashioned IRL approach too?

Personally I’ve hit a very active social life but unfortunately the few men I’ve met out and about since I’ve been single have been dreadful after giving good first impressions.

Though I’m in my 50’s so the pool of decent men is small regardless how we meet.

Same, I have quite an active social life and work life. I just strongly seem to prefer the types I come across IRL, especially as they come with the opportunity to get to know them properly in a no-pressure environment before going on any dates, and you’ll have common friends who can vouch for them etc.

I did OLD for a short while but it didn’t agree with me. I just wonder if anyone is doing the same, pursuing IRL only.

It's the "rules" that infuriate me!!!
Was chatting to a guy from Feeld late into the night/ morning. (Not known him long enough for a code name yet)
He said at 2am he had to go as had to get up early, self employed carpenter, but had absolutely loved chatting and hoped to meet soon.

It's now 3:15pm and I've heard nothing.
Do I dare message him and ask whether he managed the day ok on little sleep etc
Or do I follow the rules and await to hear from him only?!
For reference he matched to my initial like and he quicky followed up with the first message around 8pm yesterday.

What if neither parties are "chasers" and so by pure pride or stupidity they miss out on a connection? Infuriating!!

@JaquiRussell

Personally I think most of the so called rules are outdated bollocks. It’s absolutely fine to message a man first. It’s not chasing it’s one message. If he doesn’t reply at least you know rather than waiting and wondering.

Won’t he still be at work if he is working today? I am seeing a builder I met in RL 😁😁 and he doesn’t text while at work

@JaquiRussell what rules are these? If you already have conversed, as a rule you’d never be the one to message the guy first on a new day? Just at the beginning or also a few weeks/ months in?

I’d imagine he’s still at work. Generally I don’t text at work unless it’s a quiet day so nobody would hear from me pre-6pm.

On this occasion as you’ve only just met I’d give him room to message first though, gives you reassurance he’s thinking about you and is keen. Men whether they’re 15 or 50 certainly also hold off coming across too keen/ thirsty very early on.

Money’s on him messaging later tonight.

I just posted a thread about how horrendous I’m finding online dating, then I found this thread!

Anyone fancy lending some wisdom?
Matched with a seemingly nice guy and started chatting. I think we got on very well and the conversation moved to WhatsApp. Messaged throughout the week and he suggested meeting up. Conversation was only ever very mildly flirty and he really did seem more interested in meeting rather than trying to shoehorn sex in which I appreciated!
He went out for drinks a few times and said things which made me think he was keen. We were supposed to meet tomorrow but he has a work thing tonight and said he’d let me know. Well I haven’t heard from him today and i’ve already made it clear I’m interested so I don’t want to chase again! I have felt he’s been a bit quieter the last few days but I also have tried to keep in mind I don’t know him or his schedule.
Would you give up hope of hearing from him again?

@BloodyWolves he went out for drinks with friends and said things or you went out together?

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle He went out for drinks and messaged me after. Basically we were talking about haunted dolls and I mentioned that I once got told I looked like the Annabelle doll and sent him a picture. I don’t know what it says about him but he really liked it and went on that he couldn’t believe he was talking to me, couldn’t wait to meet me, etc. God I hope he never comes across this thread somehow because that’s quite outing! I thought he was quite keen so I’m a bit disappointed that I haven’t heard from him.

Honestly you really shouldnt message him again but I say that as someone who absolutely would message him again! It is so hard these days to guage. I met what I thought was the man of my dreams some years ago online. We had this amazing connection, I thought he was my best friend. We introduced the kids, went on holiday as a 'family' etc and two years in he showed his true colours so honestly I am not even sure I could trust anyone again.

I don’t want to message him again. I sent him a nice message this morning, just to say that I hope what he’s got going on today goes well. Crickets! If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow evening I’ll just delete his number and cut my losses. Annoying as it is!

I feel for you. I know that feeling all too well! My past two relationships started online. One ended amicably and the other was abusive to the point of needing police involvement. That one started really full on with 100’s of messages so I’m not sure what normal messaging looks like! I really hope you find a good relationship this time around @Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle. I wish it was easier to find though!

@BloodyWolves No, no need to chase him.

Have him sort out a place and time, that's the least you deserve. 'I'll let you know' isn't really good enough, if that's him at the start, imagine what he'll be like later. Maybe gauge his dating experience so far, he could be new to this/ fresh out of LTR, or have other (at times dubious) reasons for not meeting at this stage.

I've got one or two that like to 'say things when out for drinks' 😆Essentially one seems to get a bit tipsy and then I wake up to messages like 'Just wanted to tell you I really fancy you xxxx' and similar most Fridays and Saturdays. Nothing rude, just cute messages. But it's funny what the combo of alcohol and being alone late at night does to a man's mind 🙈

Basically things that men say tipsy and lonely don't count.

He just seemed so keen to meet up! When sober too 😆

He asked me about meeting so I asked when he was free. He said he’d make himself free whenever I am. I suggested Sunday and he said that was the one day he wasn’t sure about because he’s driving back from a city five hours away. I said no worries and he went on about wanting to see me though and he’d try and make it work and let me know. Then the next day he was talking like Sunday was a definite thing!
It’s just so bloody confusing and I don’t like things sprung on me! I like clear, concise plans! Spontaneous I am not!

@BloodyWolves you've messaged him today so sure he'll message back, or he isn't worth the headspace. I know it can be frustrating when you're keen, but think of him essentially as just a profile at this stage.

I'm the same as you, I like clear concise plans as I usually move between several cities in my time off (well not today as I have a broken leg so I'm stuck entertaining myself on here!). When you start talking again I'd probably make that side clear, in a nice way.

Mr Friday Night Texter isn't great at making concrete plans in advance and that's one of the reasons why I don't bother with him.

Ok so I thought I’d try a paid site as the free ones aren’t working so joined Match for a month.

Tbh there’s no difference in the standard of men imo. And many of the same old faces.

Two weeks in I’ve only had a handful of decent chats and left with 2 who seem promising.

And yet again it’s same old shit

Msn 1 - local similar age decent looking good job etc. Talking about lots of different subjects then he drops the ‘nut sure I’m looking for a relationship right now’ despite his profile saying that’s what he’s looking for but would I be interested in a bit of adult fun to see if we’re compatible first? So basically he’s looking for a shag but pretending he’s more than that.

Man 2 - a bit quieter, not as obviously attractive but still seems really nice and also local. Only started chatting yesterday and he asks this afternoon if I’m free tomorrow. I say no I’m off to the seaside with friends and his reply ‘oh great I bet you’re only going to pull men’ - WTAF?????

I really do give up

If a man doesn't get back to you when he said he would, it's done. It demonstrates a lack of integrity. I used to go by "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice" but now I don't have patience for this dross anymore.

Either A) Look, I'm really busy so I won't br texting you tomorrow

Or

B) I'm really busy but I will send you short text at noon (and then he does what he promised)

Otherwise he shows a lack of integrity and respect and bad communication right at the start.

Remember, if soneone wants to get in touch with you he will find a way, if he doesn't, he will find an excuse.

I also really do recommend taking a break from the apps once in a while. If all you chat with are bad and flaky men, you become too cynical and guarded when someone nice and decent is in your life finally.

Not all guys are players and "hard to read" but we can't just keep putting ourselves out there without a MH break.

@BloodyWolves It's really not that confusing. If he says he will message you and then he doesn't he is communicating from the get go that his words don't match his actions.

How about we stop making excuses for these poor lost men? We are absolutely swarmed by mobile phones and social media in 2024.

It takes 30 seconds to text someone.

I have better things to do with my day than wait for someone to come with a pretty lie why he couldn't send me a short text.

Sorry if this sounds harsh 💁‍♀️

@SamW98 I feel for you! I would have thought you might attract a better ‘calibre’ of men on a paid site too. I don’t know which is worse! I guess at a pinch I’d say at least man 1 told you before you slept with him (what a gent! 🤨) while man 2 will turn into a complete controlling arse. He’s not even hiding it and you haven’t even met!

So I heard back last night but it wasn’t anything substantial. I guess I’ll know by the end of the day. My gut tells me I won’t hear from him today and he will let it ‘time out’. Cancelling wouldn’t be a problem, I’m not sure I’d be up for a date after a five hour drive but I think if he’s keen he should let me know and put a date and time into reschedule. We shall see…

@cassiatwenty I also completely agree with you! Problem is he hasn’t actually not got back to me at the time he specified he would yet. He said he’d let me know on the day if he’s feeling up to it… but it’s leaving me in the lurch.
We all know make up takes time and I’d like to make myself look presentable for a date! Being told with not a lot of notice will make that difficult. I’d be comfortable telling someone I need more notice after actually meeting them and hitting it off but I don’t want to go into an expectations conversation without knowing if I even like the man.

Online dating really starts to make you feel like you’re expecting the moon on a stick.

Just get ready and go and do something else so you don’t waste your day?

Yes that’s quite a selfish stance for him to take and doesn’t value your time.