Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Guess it was after other factors too

Whatever the edit version was that I responded to

Sorry I edited my post, decided that didn't want to continue x

Well yeah I mean I don't blame you, it was quite uninformed

Me again. Still nothing from IRL guy! First day of no messaging after two weeks of pretty soulful stuff. Just after the day we finally met again (and spent 5 hours together). Don’t think I’m being paranoid as we know how this typically plays out. I know we met sort of as friends, but still FFS. It’s a massive ego blow to have contact cut just after meeting :( it can’t be anything else other than him fading me out right?

Urgh I'm sorry to hear that @RosieAway
I'm forever the optimist so possibly something has come up today, family matter, illness. Or if as you say, he may feel you've friend zoned him.

But at the same time, I would potentially start to try to detach yourself from the hope, potential and expectations 😢 It's horrid.
I'm so sorry. I feel gutted about Mr Teacher and so doing the same thing, but I didn't get as far as you did lovely. So know, if it helps, you aren't alone in feeling deflated and crushed this evening.

@JaquiRussell thank you so much. Let’s have an imaginary glass of wine together to drown the sorrows. I don’t really get mine as we have an astonishing amount in common and spoke for ages about everything. I am a total non-flirt and wasn’t explicitly a date, but doesn’t explain the bout face. Sad reality is, he must not have been attracted to me IRL. He is off on hols tomorrow and I had (steam-rolled) him into meeting up after he’s back. But I messaged about where I’d gone out - he just liked the message! Maybe I should have asked him.
Anyway. We have each other’s books 😂 I want mine back eventually so let’s see!

What drives me nuts is I wasn’t sure about him but by him switching like this, makes you go a bit crazy.

Ah well, onwards. Hope you can get over Mr Teacher soon. I’d like to be a fly on the wall inside their brains!

Okay firstly do not dare think that it was anything to do with your physical appearance or attraction as to why he has gone quiet! He liked you, he wouldn't have pursued you or opened up as he did, had he not.
It could still be that he is distracted today or feels friend zoned. But please don't put yourself down. Even if he has changed his mind, I know it's cliché but it's on him. I turned down a date from a guy I'd shamefully chatted to for a week, because I just did not find him attractive enough. But it was nothing he'd done or was his fault, I felt terrible but it was not his doing.
It's not your doing.

However, so typical to not really mind someone until they start to show they might not be interested. Then you get immediately attached to them 🤣😆 I've done the same, it's so, so annoying!!

But we repeat the mantra, we were alright before them. We'll be all the better for after 😘 🥂

Thanks @JaquiRussell appreciate your words.

Think it’s coincided with feeling bad about my looks which have seemed to suddenly changed - very tough past 6 months and late 40s. Oh actually! He and I have children a similar age but I think he’s only just 40, so maybe he was taken aback about my age (not that I told him but it’s probably obvious) as we’d only met briefly before and it was dark 😂. Right. That has to be the end of my pondering. I actually don’t want to know. Just feels… bad. I hope we can still hang out as friends. But would rather hang with you @JaquiRussell !

I think the fact that he couldn’t drive because his van’s clutch wouldn’t make it would have put me off. Why not get it fixed?

@Abouttthat it would have put me off too but id not have said anything, just either cancelled or written him off. I personally don't find many im interested in so havent ever had multiple chats going on. From my experience, if someone is genuinely interested, they wouldn't be back scrolling so much.

Hey - he may have been speaking to others , he may have been looking at your profile. Don’t gorget that every time you’ve seen him inline, he probably saw your green dot too!

I think you were a little premature in cancelling, you had one date. It’s not unusual to date/talk to others until you both are on the same page with your relationship

Red flagging this man as much as possible without naming him. Known since March - had clarified very early on was dating for commitment and would struggle with him multidating. 4 months in am currently cutting a scotland trip short as Hinge notifications on his phone. After agreeing we were exclusive he is also he tells me on eharmony and elite singles. He deleted Bumble only as that was the one i was one. Total player. Pharmaceuticals MD in the SE, scottish and likes dogs. I’d advise not getting your heart broken. He very charming but becomes sketchy and non committal very quickly. Am struggling today and have quit dating entirely.

There’s been word. Albeit brief. I think a few years of OLD has given me huge anxiety around all this now!

@flipflapflop77 oh no, I’m sorry. It’s sadly not that unusual - and sounds like a guy I briefly chatted to….

It’s all on him, not you. I’m pleased you’re out ❤️

@flipflapflop77 I hope you’re ok that’s a shit thing for him to do. I’ve had similar previously and realised he’d found himself a girlfriend. I’m dating someone currently but early days. If it happens again with the multiple dating I won’t return to the apps. It seems they are addictive and some people love the ego boost and more choices. I don’t agree and like head space and short bursts!

Yes - all a bit ego driven. It’s the agreement to be exclusive and then clearly not being that’s so foul. It didn’t enable me to make a choice - rather .. be manipulated. On the other hand I do walk and have done. I don’t mess around if these days.

Good, glad he's been in touch @RosieAway

So sorry @flipflapflop77 What a nasty skrote!!
All for an ego, how pathetic! May he end up alone in the end.

Mr Teacher has unmatched me on the app. Not blocked me on WhatsApp but it still stings.
I now have absolutely no one on the wall/ rota at all. Feeling very dejected.
I've come to Central London today and Fleed has gone berserk, but it's somehow making me feel worse. My bio clearly says I'm looking for LTR not ONS and yet in they come with likes and pings almost 100 in less than 5 hours, simply because I'm in the local vicinity 🤢

Men!! Vile fucking creatures 😆

@flipflapflop77 so sorry that has happened to you, it's dreadful behaviour.

@Abouttthat I would have found that off putting as well. At the point that I swop numbers and move to WhatsApp, I then delete them on the app so I can't see when they are online and vice versa. Because I know it's just what happens, people chat to multiple others, that's the whole idea essentially and but I don't need to see that.

I'm not feeling great at all with it all today. I've hidden my profile on one app and plan to on the other as well. For the Last week or so I had been chatting to someone local who has their child 50-50. We seemed to have lots in common in terms of work and family stuff and communication had been easy and good. He had been sending multiple messages a day. He couldn't meet last week and I suggested we meet this week as I'm then away for a week. He said he'd love to but then didn't make a firm plan just that we would meet sometime this week.

Today is the first day he hasn't had his kid and it's gone silent. I'm so over it all. Again it's my own fault for getting involved with the endless messaging. I'm not messaging again. I've deleted his details and the chat. If he'd wanted to have met me he should have made a plan when I suggested it. I shouldn't have kept up with all the messaging after that point.

It's having a negative impact on my self esteem. Not just this one thing but the build up of shit situations over the last 6 months. None of my friends bar one who is in a similar situation get it. Which is why I'm so grateful for this chat.

Really need to focus on other things for a while but for me there is absolutely something quite compelling/ addictive about the apps. Even though they are so dire I continually get pulled back in. Maybe actually just need to delete them rather than hiding my profile.

Hi everyone am brand new to OLD and am struggling with tinder and it’s geo location settings. Is it a common issue that the app pushes profiles from way over my 20 mile boundary? It’s annoying AF as I think oh he’s nice, swipe and then realise he’s like 200k away. How can I stop it doing that?

Oh @Mckittens I am sorry to hear that he has been quiet today.
As you possibly saw on my replies previously, I do try to be the optimist. You don't know what's gone on today, something legitimately distracting could have taken place.

But don't beat yourself up for not stopping messaging earlier, or for enjoying them as they were happening more frequently.
If we didn't allow ourselves to enjoy the sparks of the start of something, there'd be no point doing it at all. And we do it because we want to find someone. As @RosieAway beautifully said we all want to find love and the hope is intoxicating!
Take all the time you need, but please don't berate yourself from forming a connection with someone you wanted to connect with. It's human.

Hope that 'word' you received was good @RosieAway and you're feeling ok lovely.

I'm afraid I don't have Tinder @Hoppitybobbins so I can't help I'm sorry. Hopefully someone will be along soon.

@MckMckittens that's a good idea, but it wasn't so much the chatting to others as that's to be expected at am early stage. It was more the chatting to someone while I would have literally been on way to see him, which wasn't exactly a short journey. I wouldn't expect someone to be chatting someone up at the bar whilst they wait if I was on my way for a date so I guess the same curtesy applies online.

He massaged last night just saying "strange" after 24 hours of nothing. I presume it was so I'd reply but meh.

Thank you @JaquiRussell, your kind words are appreciated. I'm just finding it so tough to continually actively put myself out there & be vulnerable. But I'm essentially an optimist and resilient so no doubt I will bounce back from this one as well.

@Abouttthat I suspect he didn't even consider that it maybe wouldn't be ideal to be chatting to someone else/scrolling whilst you were driving over to see him.

@flipflapflop77 that sounds exactly what happened to me back in June. Had been dating this guy for 3 months who turned out to be an utter - and I would describe him as - a poor man’s narcissist. Not as slick as yours by looks of it but same pattern. Sorry it happened to you too. So shitty.

Sorry you are feeling crappy @Mckittens I did the same last weekend and made plans with friends and family for this weekend and further on to get back to planning like I used to before getting back embroiled in this nonsense. I did feel better about taking back some control.