Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Not really @JaquiRussell !! It’s so annoying. I’ve had messages today but no mention of the meet up so I’m going to wait til I’m out tomorrow night and mention it in a breezy way! I came across quite a helpful video, I’ll share it shortly

This isn’t the video I was on about but I can 100% relate to what he says in this about basically, scarcity mindset

Can I join? I’ve been single for 3 years now and have just downloaded Tinder today. I’m 31 with a 12 year old DS. Not looking for the love of my life, more a FWB type relationship that I can keep separate from my actual life haha. Can’t say I’m overly impressed so far but I think I will commit to giving it at least a month.

Can anyone recommend any other apps? I was debating POF but I feel like there are some horror stories about it although quite a few of my friends met their OHs on there.

@MessyNDepressy Feeld for FWB, or even bumble, there is option for "fun and casual dates"

Updating after my meeting with the guy I’d been chatting to whom I’d met IRL (rather than OLD). It was an all day affair, even swung past his house to pick something up. This is the difference I guess - I know he’s legit through friends etc.

Not sure how I feel. Neither of us flirted as such, which felt really natural. I asked if he wanted to meet up when he’s back from hols, he was like yeah I’m free all xx week. But as I put him on the spot he couldn’t really say no! Its nice to just do this as friends without that dating context though.

How’s everyone else going?

As expected Mr Teacher replied tonight to say he wasn't really feeling the spark especially with there being 50+ minutes between us. Despite him knowing that, before we switched over to WhatsApp.
But least he didn't ghost me.

In a state of pity, I'd been chatting to Mr Sunglasses yesterday and today who although I didn't fancy him, he was kind and chatty. Within 15 minutes of getting the goodbye from Mr Teacher. Mr Sunglasses and I met up for a 10pm pizza and a alcohol free drink (as I'm sober). I'm not interested in him as a potential partner but it was a funny night out and a distraction.

I guess tomorrow I'm going to pay for a Fleed subscription. See if there's anyone in the 500+ who's liked me that would be viable. £11 for a month, worth a shot.

Glad your day was nice, that's better than nothing sometimes. Maybe it will progress? @RosieAway

@JaquiRussell rubbish about Mr Teacher! Has also happened to me… he got to know me etc and then declared the distance was too much. I really got cross at him wasting my time if he knew it would be an issue. But yes, at least he told you rather than ghosted.

Love that you went and met Mr Sunglasses right away! Just goes to show, if they’re keen they’ll make an effort.

Not sure about Mr IRL. Not sure what he feels about me but most importantly me him. It’s a deep and thoughtful connection, but he’s not funny and I think that’s something important to me? I’m feeling less excited now we’ve met up properly. Goes to show nothing counts until you meet!

Hi everyone, is it ok to jump on the thread! I just need some perspective to see if I did the right thing.

Met a guy on Match who lives 1.5 hours away about 10 days ago. We clicked straight away as in the chat was fluent, just appeared to get along well, which is why i thought i'd consider someone who lives further away. We met up a few days later (he got the train to the nearest town as there isn't a direct one to my town from him as his van's clutch wouldn't make the journey and I drove there). We had a lovely afternoon/early evening wandering around a local gardens spot etc, had a drink, etc, and then he got the train back. We have messaged daily since, nothing heavy just general day to day "how's your day" type stuff but seemed to click really well.

He invited me to go to his this weekend, which I was thinking about, then I had an issue with my car which didn't get sorted until yesterday afternoon. Anyway, after chatting, I said it's probably too late now but very tempted as it would be nice to see him again as we got on so well.

During the latter part of the week, I'd check match if I was alerted of a "like", it's early doors, so I expected him to do the same. I noticed he was online (a green dot appeared next to his name) and thought ah well it's normal at this early stage. On Friday curiosity got the best of me (I know!) and I'd just every now and then look on match to see if he was online and he more or less always was so I assumed he was chatting to others. Again, at this early stage, that's fine and normal, etc, and he doesn't owe me anything.

Here's the thing: yesterday, as I was getting ready to go, I looked on match, and there he was, on there again each time I looked. This got my back up as it's one thing to chat to others, but it's a bit off to be chatting to someone else whilst I would be driving 1.5 hours to see him! Or have I got that completely wrong? I messaged him to say I wasn't coming as whilst it's fine to chat to others at early stage, it's not ok to be chatting to someone else whilst I'm doing the journey to see him. Since then, he's ghosted me, so I deleted his number. Shame as we got on really well, but was I too harsh?

hi can i join please im nearly 39 and have been single since 2019 - i find the apps really hard and time consuming and never met anyone decent on them. feel a bit shit as met someone in real life recently who i thought was genuine but who turned out to be a pathetic sex pest! i just want my happy ending!

@Abouttthat I don't think you were being harsh if this is an important boundary for you. And him ghosting you tells you that he probably isn't the person for you. Going forward, it might be easier to communicate this early on so the other person knows what the expectation is. As you say, it is common for people to continue chatting to/dating others until things become exclusive. I found out my ex was chatting to other women on the apps after we had been seeing each other for 2 months. I found it really hurtful, and will ask outright next time.

Thank you. I guess I didn't think it was a boundary, more a common curtesy.. talk to whoever until exclusive but don't be chatting to someone else at the same moment someone is making to effort to drive 60 miles to come and see you.

I've been single for 3 years and have become happy on my own, I have lots to learn I think 😄

I feel like it's the blind leading the blind @Abouttthat as I'm not really qualified to comment as only been doing OLD for 6 months. But! That being said you trusted your instinct, you were prepared to let it go the first time you saw him online. But the fact, he kept being shown as being active and then went on to ghost you. Your instinct was right and you were not being too harsh.
Intuition is a strange sensation but I'm learning that leaning into it, might just be what saves me from going completely bonkers.
I'm sorry he did that to you though, ghosting was unnecessary. As cliché as it sounds but don't take it personally. It'll be things about him and what he's searching for that caused his decision, rather than anything you did or didn't do.

@Imanidiotiknow2 Its a long hard slog but from joining this thread properly, it's already reassuring to know I'm not alone in it. All my mates, bar two who are older than me and have given up OLD, are married and don't understand. It's nice to share here, so welcome.

@Abouttthat if this is an important issue for you then it's good that you communicated to him. But to give another POV, sorry if this sounds harsh, but I find it bit stalkerish at such an early stage of dating (to keep an eye on the online status), which is why I can understand a bit why he's ghosted you.

Yeah, I see that did look a bit stalkerish. I guess it was my gut telling me something, he knew my car had unexpectedly needed a repair, he made no effort to say ok I'll find a way to get to you instead, then when my car was fixed said I could still go to him even though I'd suggested a phone call instead. All the while, he expected me to drive 60 miles to him whilst he was messaging someone else at the same time. It feels more like he didn't ghost me because he thought I was a stalker. He did it because he got caught out wanting his cake and eating it at the same time.

I have to agree and personally don’t think he’s done much wrong after a couple of weeks and one date. I’d always expect they’re chatting to and possibly meeting others at that stage until a few more dates and once we’ve had a discussion about our status.

He might not even be chatting just scrolling or looking at who’s liked him. I’ve done it on train on way to meet someone, I don’t see the issue tbh.

Though I’ve had a guy I was chatting to check up when I was online and I unmatched him as I thought it was a red flag. So I get his view if I’m honest.

But if your gut is telling you something then you need to listen.

And I'd generally agree, in the first stages of meeting someone, they are likely chatting/meeting others, which is perfectly normal. I guess in old skool terms, it was the equivalent of double booking; they see which one jumps first. 😁

But that’s OLD and how it works. For all you know he was checking likes, scrolling etc

I think you’ve jumped without knowing full story but if its a boundary for you then we all have our own lines

Tbh if a man sent me a message saying that, I’d delete as well. Its not about being caught out it’s more about feeling checked up on imo

I don't understand how it was double-booking? He was online for whatever reason, I assume he was going to see you. For all you know, he could have been checking up you 😂

Do you really want to find a man that will stop all OLD activity after one date with you? Because that is very intense imho, but maybe it's good we're all different...

I guess I made a mistake then 😆

My gut was telling me something though, he was messaging earlier in the week asking how I thought it could pan out given the distance and moaned about his back hurting from the 'standing only' room on the train ride to see me. I had to say it's best to see how it goes as it's only been one date, and I can't help the train journey as it wasn't my fault. I guess the instinct was the moaning about the train, the expectation I still drive to him when my car was fixed was telling me something. Like he wanted to 'try me out' or something. I don't know 😄

No not all, I don't think I've ever suggested that in my posts 🙂 Just don't carry on a chat during the time someone is making an effort to drive a distance to see you. I guess we are all different 😁

I suppose looking at it from another perspective, if I was talking to a guy online and he had another woman who was on her way over and had been invited to stay over... I don't think I'd feel that much talking him that evening?

Mr IRL has taken his foot off the pedal I think… messages have dried up. Maybe I’ve overthinking. Maybe he thinks I’ve friendzoned him… I wish my mind wouldn’t do this! I’m now ruminating and feeling ill that he’s not replied to my last message beyond “liking”. We all know that’s not a good sign!

I would have been really pi&&ed off too… I may not have said anything until after meeting though

I've done the whole sleeping with them then saying something after, but tbh, if someone can't just say they're busy that night to someone whilst they see how it goes with another, but instead need to keep chatting at the same time... I mean... come on.

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