Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@Tillievanilly so good to hear it's going well with Mr Chilled still, that's great 😊

I'm definitely going to try and find a balance between not getting overly invested before meeting but back to more messaging or maybe I should be doing actual calls/ video calls as well.

Although the outrageous behaviour I know some of you have had during calls puts me right off that idea. But the one I did a short video call with was worth while for me in that it enabled me to rule him out then and there.

Feeling a bit better about it all again, not that anything positive has happened, but maybe just helpful to hear some of you are having some good luck with it all!

@Bestlife18 I haven't planned it this way but found that having more than one option def helps with the the over-investment. For example, just had a great weekend away with Prof and planning to continue this - but until we have the exclusivity convo I'm keeping Mr Nature and Mr Skipper. Me Skipper is anyway a lovely man I want to keep as a friend and Mr Nature is chill. Plus he and Prof know about one another.

@Bestlife18
I think it’s different for everyone but I use the apps but only tend to use them in short bursts. So come on and off. My head needs to be in the right space or it doesn’t work. I message a few at a time but only date one at a time. So will only date one person if it goes well I phase out the ones I’m not so sure about.
I don’t overly invest by distracting myself with messaging others in the messaging only phase.
Plus making sure I always have plans with friends etc. Things for me. So I’m not relying on a man!

I always check in with this chat but rarely post but I know some of you like a good news story. I met my partner a year ago on tinder after 12 months of on off OLD (I only ever did it for a few weeks at a time and tried bumble hinge and tinder) Didn't enjoy the experience - would describe it as a constant job interview, but no horror stories. Had 2 first dates that went no where, 2 short 3 week things that fizzled out, and one nutter that did the whole love bomb future faking and was a whole host of red flags and would still randomly message drunk for months after. But luckily met my partner and he is kind and thoughtful and we are so compatible and I knew from date 2 he was a keeper. We've met each others children and wider families, had a couple of weekends away and are about to celebrate our one year anniversary. I've never been treated so well (and after 17 years of marriage this still makes me a bit sad). I don't think there is any secret to success with OLD I think it is pure luck just like meeting someone in any other circumstances. Good luck to all of you.

Your approach sounds similar to mine tbh @Tillievanilly where there have been a few at msg phase, always found the rest have faded out whilst I start to date one person. I think that’s the thing, keep yourself busy with friends/family so you aren’t sat waiting for them to make plans etc. I guess there’s just that element of risk - you either put yourself out there and prepare for the risk of being messed about or you stay single forever and play it safe!

@Chocolatefreak i think your approach is amazing. The fact that the one knows about the other one as well!

how long have you been seeing Prof? When are you thinking of having that exclusivity chat?

@Bestlife18 we met from Feeld 3 weeks ago. Both of us specified ENM, FWB, me because I have v little spare time and Prof because he has a few ongoing issues in his life with his ex. We had a lovely weekend away - it feels like he might suggest exclusivity - but I'd like to keep it light for a bit longer. I like enough time apart to see how I feel. But at the same time - enjoying the thoughtfulness and attention! Such a treat!

@Chocolatefreak Ive never tried anything other than “looking for long term relationship” but tbh I just think it opens you up to a pool of narcissists!

Hi everyone,

So many updates I missed out on! @Chocolatefreak you have been doing so well, happy to see your faith in men has been restored. Your updates are interesting.

Things are okay on my end. Things got a little dramatic on my end what, two weeks ago? But these things happen.

What I learned from that is that it's definitely better to A) get to know guy first, and then get into a relationship or DTD.

Mr T has been decent. I didn't write about him much because getting to know someone who seems normal and decent isn't as dramatic and therefore interesting to write about.

But I'm grateful for him. Slowly getting to know him and spending time with him.

Obviously there are OTT men out there who do unsavory things. I'd like to believe that there are some decent and uncomplicated lads out there as well.

Hi all, I thought I'd jump in and get involved as I feel like I've got a brick wall out in the dating fields.
Only been online dating since Feb, met someone straight off the bat and we dated for three months but turns out it was a situationship not a relationship.
Now back on Badoo, Facebook Dating and Fleed.

But what is it with people not actually wanting to a) chat once matched or b) ghost once on Whatsapp
Had been chatting on WhatsApp with one or two this month, then they just ghost! Dates arranged and everything but then nothing. Not blocked just left on those dreaded blue ticks.

Currently chatting with Mr Teacher, or I had been since 12th. Messages, Voicenotes. Patiently waiting for a date to be arranged but not heard anything from him since yesterday afternoon. He read my reply to his message around 8pm last night. I've seen him online at 11pm and around 1pm today but nothing. Usually hear from him a couple of times a day.
I fear this might be going through same way! Maddening 😆 but hi all 👋🏼

@JaquiRussell got the same thing going on right now actually! Very odd no message today at all from the guy I have been seeing a few weeks. Think this is going same way. I’m trying to watch a you tube video of Matthew hussey explaining why we get so obsessed in this phase but not finished it yet!

driving me insane too. I had some guy earlier match with me and then wave, I msgd asking how his thurs was and he replied “I think we must not be looking for the same thing, I must not just look at pictures and actually read profile!” What a knob!!

Thank you for the company @Bestlife18 what a rubbish predicament for us both to be in!
My best friend swears by Matthew Hussay too.

Yes, it's been relaxed, causal and first week a tad naughty but that's Fleed for you and I'm not against it otherwise I wouldn't participate. But for it to ground down to nothing, no message at all today when I'd hoped to be ramping it up as we neared the weekend to actually meet in person and see if there's chemistry offline. Urgh!
I may send a friendly message when I get home after my volunteering stint tonight around 10pm to see how his day has been?! At least I suppose if I get nothing by 9am tomorrow morning I'll know for sure and into the archive he'll go.

I can't believe how rude of that guy though @Bestlife18 to match, then see whether you'd message and then only then to actually read your profile. I despair!

Yeah it’s a minefield @JaquiRussell honestly - men are weird that is for sure!!

I had a like on Facebook today from some crazy guy who was about 20 years older with a parrot on his shoulder. I messaged my friend and asked if this really was the level I was at now 😂

And yes I would msg too in a nonchalant way as you need to know where you stand on the date front. I had one guy back in March arrange a date and ghost before. He resurfaced all full of apologies and then cancelled on the day of the rescheduled one and ghost! Nuts

@Bestlife18 oh man, is this the guy you saw two nights in a row? I had high hopes!

Have to say, chatting to this guy who I met ages ago briefly IRL and then got chatting through social media (NOT OLD) has been so refreshing. Just because there’s zero context of dating etc, so we are just talking about life stuff. We are meeting on Saturday and I’m really nervous / never am usually. Trying to stop myself investing too much but it’s hard isn’t it? I guess we all want love and hope is quite intoxicating!

So I’ve decided to join Match for a month as people seemed to think paying might attract a better quality of men. Well not so far it hasn’t. The same old messages from pensioners and the pasty faced hi viz giant fish flabby basement dwellers.

Though got a message today from one who looked ok from his photos but opened the message with oi oi girl - dear god

Yep @RosieAway he has actually messaged this evening but it’s gone down to the bare minimum again! I had high hopes too!

I felt same as you because this guy is someone I know from years ago just thought maybe a mutual network and connection might help to stop the messing but maybe not. It’s horrible isn’t it. Part of me wonders whether he has gone quiet on me because he is messaging others. Really keeping everything crossed for you!

@SamW98 yep I thought that too. First week was better and then it trickled to the dregs

Well I messaged and Mr Teacher replied with a voice note, all very chatty so I've been chatty back as well as suggesting a meet up over the weekend or Monday as I have a long one.
I know it's probably not ideal to ask but I'm not here for games. It'll be two weeks since we matched come Saturday and last weekend I was away so obviously couldn't oblige when he suggested we met.
Fingers crossed.

@Bestlife18 Hopefully he's just distracted today, not feeling 100% or something on his mind. Have everything crossed for you.

@RosieAway Sounds great! Hope Saturday goes well. Organically just meeting up for a date, it'll be lovely and refreshing as you say to just talk about life normally.

@SamW98 I think some people are trying "new" ways of starting chats or saying hello. As the 'Hey' Bumble openings have been ripped apart online. There's a whole thing on TikTok I've seen about random ways to initiate a conversation simply by saying hello but with a difference. So his oi, oi girl could have been his attempt of following this trend. I feel your pain though when paying for this rubbish 🤦🏼‍♀️

@RosieAway that's great you are meeting up tomorrow, really hope it goes well. I get so nervous every time, thought it would get easier but doesn't seem to for me for some reason

@Bestlife18 have you got another time arranged to meet? So frustrating when the messaging isn't always consistent.

@SamW98 I feel your pain re flabby fish older pensioners. It's awful.

@JaquiRussell I have been proactively asking if they want to meet, it feels like some of them just want a pen pal and Would be happy to message forever. I can't be doing with that. Hopefully he gets back with a positive response.

I have a hopeful update in that I've been messaging someone for maybe a week now who seems lovely, really good communication, lots of commonalities, like a weird amount and they are local too.

They have a child 50-50 who is younger than mine but that doesn't phase me but it has meant we haven't been able to actually meet yet. And it's so hard not to fall into the whole false intimacy thing. I know it's what's happening even though logically I know it's all meaningless until we actually meet and that the likelihood of there being chemistry on both sides is so slim. Or at least that's been my experience so far. V Frustrating. In order to try and stop myself becoming invested I've kept chatting to others on the apps and I've been unmatched three times in a row after I've been asked what I do for work 😳

There is one other possibility but they are younger and I'm just not sure how I feel about that.

It's weird when men are vague about meeting. I've had a few like that but most seem to be quite insistent on meeting without pursuing an endless chat. I like a few days of chat - not only to establish some non-negotiables (for me, values, distance, etc) but also to see their communication style. I also suggest meeting fairly quickly, and I don't care if I seem forward. My main aim has been fwb anyway - what's the point if I seem coy?!

Post-50s I seem to have binned my prudishness. Sick of the double standards. I think any of you who want to meet should suggest it - @Bestlife18 @JaquiRussell - it will soon show you their true colours.

So re Prof, he's started calling me his girlfriend. He's been lovely but this is more than I expected and not sure how I feel. Going on another short trip with him next week. So I guess I'm not doing much to discourage him!

@Chocolatefreak i think that’s great that he is calling you his girlfriend. If that’s what you want of course!

I am busily making plan b plans for my day off on Monday now because I am not going to waste time sitting around. I think he’s just forgotten tbh but I want to have the reply of “oh sorry I arranged to do xyz now” in my back pocket so I don’t look like I am waiting for him! I am a planner and have stopped planning with friends this last few weeks so getting back on it now.

@Mckittens nope not really other than agreeing to book Monday off and do something but nothing more forthcoming! Don’t even know if he has booked it!

I’m finding that the dads who have 50/50 or more, have less time available for dating than me and I have my kids most of the time! It’s like they have no support network either like my parents will watch my kids for me but the guys don’t have it or won’t ask for help!

I'm with you on the trying to distract yourself with others @Mckittens but it's hard as I just compare them to Mr Teacher, so hardly working as a distraction. I hope your local hopeful comes through though and you meet soon!

@Chocolatefreak I think it's great that Prof is calling you his girlfriend. What was the context though, was he referring to you around others as he can hardly say my FWB as we met on Fleed?! 😉 I'm in camp go with it and if needs be discuss it with him when you're away together as you still have irons in the fire with Mr Nature etc

Well @Bestlife18 I hope you are doing better than me. I had no response to my voice note from late last night. But at 5:30pm today on my after work walk, I happened across a huge fire. Terrible arson to a beautiful building. I took a video and guess who I shared it with.
Mr Teacher happened to be online too, immediately watched it and asked what happened. Hasn't opened my reply.
But he was quick to comment on what he wanted to comment on wasn't he. Damn it. I thought by looking for something more relaxed and casual, it'd be easier to get a date, let alone a fella. Silly me.