Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

Thanks so much everyone. I am feeling worse about it as the day goes on. It just doesn't make any sense other than if he had seen me. Which is just such an awful feeling. I had been thinking I looked pretty good as well!
But you are totally right @SamW98 it's far better to know that now than to have wasted any more time.

It's just such a shit thing to do. I could have walked away from a good few of the horrors I've had the misfortune of agreeing to meet when I first saw them but I wouldn't do that to anyone. I might extricate myself more speedily in future than I have done but I'd be polite about it.

@Mckittens he sounds utterly awful and not surprised you felt bad but the kind of person who can do that, for whatever reason, is not someone you’d want to be involved with anyway. So you’ve had a lucky escape early on.

Personally I doubt he even came to the bar at all, I’m going for he gets some kind of weird kick out of standing women up. It was a bit of a red flag that he’d cancelled 2 or 3 times already in such a short space of time.

Sending you loads of hugs @Mckittens it's really not you it's him. It's a reflection of him.

You sound like a wonderful kind person 😊

@Mckittens dont let yourself go down the ‘he saw me and ran’ route. He won’t even have turned up. That’s because he’s a total silly person. It’s NOT you, it’s definitely him and it’s his loss x

@mckittens he may even be some sort of internet troll who does it to people all the time with no intention of meeting. Did he seem to go to be true?

@Mckittens nah absolutely not, he didn’t go for sure. Probably had some mental health issues, chickened out

Yep totally agree with everyone else - he’s probably some big, disgusting pasty faced 60 year old who was just out for shits and giggles online. Don’t let it make you think it was you - it wasn’t x

Aww thank you so much guys. You've all made me feel so much better and @Kat888 your message made me cry but in a good way and I needed to have a wee sob to myself I think. Feel much better for it.

I definitely agree it was a total red flag all the cancelling but it felt genuine and it wasn't just him, I had cancelled as well. He didn't seem to good to be true, average looking and his story seemed to add up although there wasn't much messaging. Although there had been more this week and they had all been good.

Looking back though he had seemed really keen when we first matched, said something about coming off the app and just talking to me. Which freaked me out at the time. I am now wondering if he is maybe married or as you guys are saying just a troll. Regardless it doesn't matter, it's not me, it's definitely him in this scenario!

I'm feeling much better, so thank you all, just the idea of someone seeing me and walking away because they didn't like the look of me felt awful. But I agree hopefully it's one of the other crazy scenarios. A friend pointed out that if he had done that, seen me and walked he would also have blocked me immediately as well which didn't happen.

Onto the next one, before I take my break from this venture. I've got a possible date tomorrow afternoon with the guy who I've got stuff in common with. Fingers crossed it's a more positive experience- will update you all!

That’s pretty much every man on Ourtime to a tee 🤣🤣

I need talking down. Have fallen for the IRL guy - in my mind. Yet to meet again after the first brief (dark and possibly drunken) encounter. But he’s readily free to, I’ve just been busy

I have that proper lovesick feeling, after promising myself not to think like that. Help!

Have you made a time to meet him @RosieAway? If I can make a date quickly That seems to help me in terms of not getting carried away mentally but I totally relate, even so it's really difficult. It's worth trying to fit it in asap.

Have you listened to Matthew Hussey? Out of all the dating coach type people I've heard he is one that makes the most sense to me about this type of thing.

@mckittens thank you. Yes he was around today, I wasn’t. Maybe Monday. It’s a bit different as there’s no context of dating so the pressure is off. Sort of.

Love Matthew Hussey! I have listened to everything! Just feels different, yet I know I’m projecting. And probably looking to transfer the leftover emotion I still have for my ex. Mustn’t try to look beyond the present etc etc

Long time lurker learning so much here -thanks!!

@RosieAway if you can meet him tomorrow or at least soon I think that would help, even if it's just a really quick catch up so you can assess in the light of day and see if you do want to see him again and then make a time to meet properly once you've got more time.

I met a really lovely man yesterday. Best one so far. But I didn't get any vibe that he was into me and he hasn't messaged. I've not either but after the standing up debacle earlier in the week I'm not putting myself out there.

He did say he was rubbish at messaging generally and I know he was out last night so it's possible he may message still but I really didn't get any sense he would want to meet again.

He lives in a different city, I had liked his profile first and he did say he would never usually look at profiles as far away as mine. So I think that might influence things for him, as in he wouldn't want to get involved with someone who lives at a distance.

I know I need to take the positives from it in that I've managed at least to meet a nice one. But it's so hard not to feel despondent.

Been thinking about the stand up one and I'm now thinking he was just some weirdo with a fake profile who probably does that regularly. He had suggested the venues, there had been three different ones in all the same area that he had suggested and he had said meet outside.

Thinking about the three different venues they all were in a v busy part of the city with loads of places you could just stand and watch from without being noticeable if that makes sense.

So I'm thinking maybe he was standing watching. Some fat old man who Gets his kicks out of seeing women waiting on a non existent date.

When I had that thought it just made me feel so unsafe. Like I definitely need to do more screening before I agree to meet someone. First few I met gave me their Facebook/ Insta info so I could check that out. Just offered it as reassurance, I didn't ask for it but I'm Thinking maybe I should be asking for something like that in future.

Does anyone else do that? Don't want to start getting all freaked out but it did highlight to me that you can't just get complacent given the amount of dodgy people there are out there.

I was watching reels on fb last night and one thing that hit me was that narc men like distance relationships and when I think of my recent ex it resonates.
coachryanh

@RosieAway totally can empathise with you on the trying not to get too excited thing. I had my date on Fri night and we saw each other again last night and I really like him! Also trying to not think ahead after the last one but it’s so hard! I have recently discovered Matthew hussey and listened to loads of his stuff. Doesn’t help much though. Men seem much better at distancing and not getting carried away!

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle

I also feel men with a lot of narc traits sometimes try and create distance. By that I mean, I’ve had some men on OLD ask if I mind a “long distance relationship” when they only live an hour or so away. It makes me think they’re going to always limit how often we meet to a maximum of one or two nights a week.

@Mckittens i know a lot of people don’t like to do this but i talk to men quite a lot before I meet up with them. It may be a few days or it may be a few weeks but I get some really good conversations out of them and see how I feel. I’ve not had a bad date yet (although some just incompatible) because when I speak to them I can pick up on things which don’t feel right or they give themselves away.

I don’t ask for social media handles only because I don’t want to share my own with them so I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking them considering I wouldn’t reciprocate.

I’m really sorry this happened to you, what an utter scumbag. He knew exactly what he was doing in confirming the date an hour before! In a way he’s done you a massive favour showing who he is now so not more time wasted on him. Good riddance!

This is why I get anxious before each date. I’ve sort of been stood up before, in that he blocked me right before the actual date out of nowhere so I hadn’t left the house yet!

Thanks @Enufis that's helpful. I don't want to share my social media either, it's all private anyway so I've never asked but just a couple of people early on shared it as a way of reassuring me. I didn't share anything back but equally I wouldn't want to ask.

I also have been trying to steer away from chatting for too long as I've found it just doesn't work for me in that I quickly fall in the trap of false intimacy. Even with all the experiences I have had my mind gets carried away even though logically I know it's all fake.

But I'm going to go back to more chatting/ messaging first. Well actually I am going to have a break. Have one last one who again I have some commonalities with and who is more local that I'm chatting to but I'm going to hide my profile.

@newdater32 thank you! I agree it now has made me super anxious that it's going to happen again. I met someone else yesterday and I was absolutely convinced it was going to happen again even though he had confirmed just before as well but then he was a few minutes late and I was sure he wasn't showing up.

I think I'm just always going to make sure I'm really comfortable with wherever we are planning to meet so if it does happen again I'll feel fine just sitting and having a coffee or drink on my own!

@mckittens I let my guard down last year and met a guy that was crazy/unsafe. I was a bit rebound at the time. So I normally at least speak to them first to suss them out.
It’s still going good with Mr chilled, best yet. It was good as soon as we met. So there is hope people! 😊

So - genuine question here. For those who are good at not over investing, planning your wedding and house after one good date, how do you do it? What techniques do you have that stop you future planning and racing ahead??

Too many bad experiences unfortunately. That's what's stopped me. One in particular very horrible experience.

Don't focus on, date only one person. Continue using the app, date others, put yourself out there even if you think it's going very well with the one person.

Thanks @newdater32 interesting. Tbh right now, I’ve stopped the apps because I got so fed up with looking at the state of the men on there, it was depressing! I do agree with you though. My last guy was a proper future faker it’s trying to keep yourself grounded and not drawn into it

I’ve just never been that way. I’m almost the opposite in that I rarely get invested until several dates in.

I don’t multi date though. I rarely find anyone I want to exchange more than a few messaged with let alone want to meet .

I wish I could be like that @SamW98 I am going to try and work on it.

Same here, always seems to be a front runner as well when I have had a couple of conversations on the go at same time.