Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

I've always gone straight to meeting as well, and prefer sooner than later. First meeting is coffee or drinks so quick meeting. I'd say do what is comfortable for you @FallenFigs

@Day99 I’m not uncomfortable doing a call, I suppose I haven’t done it so I don’t know yet. It could potentially work as a more time efficient way than travelling somewhere etc.

I’m interested in the one hour date thing. I haven’t been on many first dates but they’ve all been like 3 hours - one guy it did end up being g a relationship to be fair. Two recently where I was fairly sure straightaway I didn’t fancy them but needed to give it a chance! Gotta get past the small talk I feel.

however, it now seems I’ve reached the end of Bumble where I live. It’s now showing me men who are outside by age and distance filters…it feels like a very small pool. And I live close to two cities!

@Enufis I really love sleeping too so if someone had given me that reply I would have been thinking great we could be a good match 😆 but I do also get why you wouldn't have appreciated his response!

Supposed to be on a date tonight with No frills, I cancelled it last week & we rearranged and he then cancelled it today, with a reasonable excuse. Maybe it's not destined to be. At least he didn't just stand me up. We have said we will meet tomorrow but I'm not sure if it will happen. But I'm genuinely not bothered and he is the one where there has been minimal messaging. We actually matched ages ago but circumstances have meant we haven't been able to meet and I'm sure that the fact that we've had minimal texting during that time means I've no expectations. No false intimacy being built up and actually last night when we confirmed plans, before he cancelled today we did actually have a flurry of really good messages.

I just think it is absolutely the way to go, quick meet up where possible and minimal messaging beforehand but a few is good as you can quickly rule some out.

I'm not sure where I stand re phone calls as naturally I shy away from phone conversations even with good friends but the last one I agreed to definitely saved me time in terms of ruling them out very quickly.

I had a guy back when I started this sh*t show again back in feb who insisted on speaking to me twice in the week leading up to a sat date. He was quite boring and old sounding on phone but I thought go with it. After all this the cheeky bugger messaged me on the thurs to say that “he’s been where I am” and basically wanted someone who didn’t have kids and could travel the world or drop everything for them. I think it was because I dared make him wait ten mins for one of the calls as my kids weren’t yet in bed!

It just made me think when I used to read MN Feminism boards and thought they were OTT. But these days? I'm not sure anymore.

Looking back at my life and bad experiences, 90 % of them were caused by bad men. I certainly don't get along with every single woman I meet but I noticed that women, well, mind their business really. I may say something silly on AIBU and some posters may say something snarky but that will be it.

I understand -- a lot of men are lonely and don't have a lot of friends. But is that an excuse for DV? For harassment? For stalking? Stonewalling? This sense of entitlement?

And this may not be PC but I don't really care anymore -- men engage in gas-lighting, stalking, installing funny apps on your PC/mobile, corecive control and tracking you down. Men create chaos and drama in relationships.

A man who will "protect you" from other men will also be the first to hurt you himself.

And the second a woman becomes assertive and in control of her life and independent, she becomes an aggressor for men, a slut (her reputation to be diminished), and then every underhanded tactic is fair play because then it's war because she's not seen as this coy and timid creature that needs protection but an opponent.

Ah but women always have to nice, don't they? And accomodating and polite and walk around egg-shells, and self-sacrifice a lot (sometimes her whole life even), and spend years self-censoring and being a mum.

@cassiatwenty sounds like you have met most of my exes!
I had a cringe moment today - was in work taking lots of photos on my phone and shoving it in my jeans pocket. Of all the numbers on there, who does it decide to butt dial for 5 minutes - only the “dropped my phone in the pond” recent ex idiot for those who remember him!! I had deleted him I thought! Luckily he didn’t answer and I blocked him!

@cassiatwenty starting to see that myself and not because I went back online or dating but I am starting to really see how my ex was. Loved me at the start because I was so secure in myself and my body and life etc and he spent so long trying to pick me apart and when he finally did he did not love the person I became. The person I let him make me become. That said I was right all along he was a lying cheating manipulating prick and he really was punching well above his weight. He knew once i got to know the real him I was gone so he slowly picked away at me and everything I held good about myself just so he could dump me, break my heart and then call me the crazy one.

It is so hard to trust after that. it is so hard to even want to bother after that.

I really love sleeping too so if someone had given me that reply I would have been thinking great we could be a good match 😆 but I do also get why you wouldn't have appreciated his response!

Fair enough lol @Mckittens I just would’ve liked to hear at least one indoor interest he enjoyed other than a necessary bodily function such as sleeping 😂especially after I’d told him I enjoy stuff like theatre, live music, baking and eating out. But then perhaps he didn’t like the sound of any of that and was trying to get rid of me with that answer, so I done us both a favour 😅

Well after all that deciding about whether I was going to go for a phone call or not, I sent a voice note yesterday and said I was looking forward to speaking this evening…and they’ve just ended the chat! This was after a couple of weeks (sporadic) chatting and two attempts at meeting up face to face.

i mean, I was starting to get a vibe but to just end the chat without saying ‘actually I’ve got too much going on’ or whatever seems a bit brutal!
Never even met the guy but feel slightly rejected. Now I get the ‘thick skin’ bit in the rules…!

I know some people aren’t great at selling themselves but just seen this profile - come on mate at least try!

Favourite time of day - not fussed

Secret superpower - don’t have one.

Perfect first date - no idea

My go to song - don’t have one

Favourite quality in a partner - not sure

@SamW98 😂 he sounds a barrel of laughs!

sorry @FallenFigs another time wasting messer you have found yourself. I’ve been on two dates with one guy, well one was more than a date 😬 and after piecemeal conversation this last fortnight, that has ended completely! Last I heard was Sunday asking what sort of weekend I’d had. I’m not sad about it though tbh, there was something going on with him.

Hi again all. Sorry to see so many messed around with time wasters! But good news for the few who’ve met some decent ones.

I haven’t been OLD for ages. Have still been back and forth with on again off again ex. It’s off now. This time looks for good which is best for both of us.

Have been chatting to a guy who I briefly met out a few months ago, chatting via social media. Just chatting with none of that horrible OLD expectation! He’s suggested chatting IRL (he’s only 10 mins away) so yes, will do that.

BUT it’s a smallish place… I know who his ex wife is (I don’t know her, my friend does though). I have vague recollections there was some issue around their separation. With my track record of attracting all the full-on narcs, I’m nervous. Do you think it’s ok to ask my friend about him?

I was heavily warned off the last one, ignored it, and they were so so right. Two years I’ll never get back

Just be aware there are two sides to every story. I kept pretty quiet and 'professional' after my divorce but my wife told a number of people her version of events which cost me some friendships. Ironically we are getting on pretty well now but had you asked 12m ago... So it all depends if there is anger & bitterness or an amicable split

Definitely ask @RosieAway but yeah there are two sides but if I’d asked about the ex wife of one of my also narc exes, it would have revealed that he’d slept with the wife’s best friend and all sorts more which I didn’t find out for two years!

One word of caution though - I revisited a date from 3 years ago because a friend of his (female) said he was great. She didn’t know him in a relationship way though which she admitted and he’s turned out to be an utter waste of space. Good luck - let us know how you get on!

@Bestlife18 ooh thanks… yeah people are clueless unless they’ve actually been in a relationship with someone!

My ex had bad rumours around time floating around, but I asked them about him and seemed fine. He def had mental health issues, which I really really tried to help with, and he did get help but was still crazy dynamics. I did and do still love him and nothing has felt like such pure love and attraction :(

This new guy has just admitted he’s recently got into therapy… a good sign, but also shows there’s been some crap going down. Think I’m gonna meet him first to suss it and then ask afterwards.

My last two exes would say I was crazy even though they were both abusive, so it’s definitely worth checking someone out yourself - although the best friend affair is a definite NO!

@RosieAway I agree, I definitely think it's worth asking but obviously there are always at least several sides to every story. Like you my ex would say I was crazy, maybe not now as he seems to have had some kind of personality transplant for the new gf but definitely when it all ended. I would get as much info as possible whilst also remaining open and curious and listening to gut instinct.

So my date with no frills has been cancelled and re scheduled at least 4 times now. He confirmed this morning for tonight so wish me luck. I'm just hoping he doesn't stand me up.

Oh no @Mckittens did he show?? I missed why he was no frills - was he a tight wad or basic date?? Missed that bit 😂

@Mckittens thank you, certainly hope you are currently out on a frills and all date?!

Am messaging this guy I met IRL a lot. I wish we weren’t because it’s going to be awkward if we can’t connect like this IRL… we only met very briefly at a gig months ago, so it was dark and alcohol may have been involved. My self esteem has taken such a dive with all the crap with the last two exes!

@Bestlife18 I think it was @Chocolatefreak who referred to him as no frills, he was the one who I first messaged when I was meeting the hot knitter 😆 so ages ago.

He was no frills because there was minimal messaging. We had trouble finding a time we could both meet initially. He said he was really keen to meet, blah blah, I did cancel one last week and then we were due to meet on Tuesday and he cancelled and we agreed Wednesday. Then he cancelled on Wednesday for seemingly good reason and we agreed to Thursday.

He said he'd meet me outside the bar at 6pm. I arrived early so sent him a message saying I'd gone in and told him where I was sitting. Got myself a drink and waited and nothing. He never showed up. And no message saying he was running late. I waited until 615 and messaged saying I'm assuming I've been stood up and I'm leaving now.

He read it at around 630 but didn't reply and I then blocked him. So I'll never know what the fuck was going on in his mind. I don't think it was a case of him seeing me and deciding not to go through with it as I had full view of the only door that he would have to come through.

So can only think he never intended to go. I had even sent another message at 5pm saying I'm waiting on the bus just checking we are still ok for 6pm and he had confirmed!

So that's it, I'm done. I have actually been messaging someone else the last couple of days but who lives in a different city but only an hour away. Lots of commonalities in terms of career and family stuff.

So I messaged him last night and said I'm going to take a break from the dating apps but here's my no if you want to meet and I've woken up to a message so I might see if we can find a time to meet in person soon.

Other than him I am going to take a break from the apps as it's having a detrimental effect on my mental health and being stood up just tops it off.

oMG @Mckittens thats awful 😔 Sending you virtual 💐 and a hug. Just remember it’s not you that’s the issue. Bloody men.

Thank you @Browniesandcustard, weirdly I don't feel too bad about it. I did wonder at the time if he'd somehow seen me and didn't like what he saw which made me feel awful but I don't think that could have happened unless he had been there really early too and spotted me come in but I don't think so. The worst bit is the anxiety I have had for three days in a row getting ready each day for a non existent date. Probably why I feel ok about it all maybe as no anxiety today!

@Mckittens what an absolute nutcase. So sorry that happened, it makes you feel like crap. He didn’t turn up so don’t worry about that part of him seeing you and turning around etc. I totally understand what you are saying about it impacting on your mh. It’s my self esteem it dents. I felt quite good about myself until rejoining! Hope it goes somewhere with the latest convo.

I am back seeing the guy from 2 weeks ago who I knew from school. I’m trying not to get invested because he has a pre existing issue he has to resolve that he did tell me about this week. He’s going to tell me more about it in person tonight but he says he really did want to see me again so….

@Mckittens so sorry to hear about your weird experience with Mr No Frills. How bizarre. Why invest time and effort in messaging and arrangements and then not even show up? Impossible to understand...really really hope new chat is a positive experience for you.

@cassiatwenty how are you? Have things been resolved?

@Bestlife18 sounds promising with the bloke from school! Hope his issue is manageable if it looks like things might have legs...

@RosieAway hope upcoming date goes well. I think the therapy is a good sign, and I think it's rare to find anyone 40+ who doesn't have baggage of some kind, the thing is how they choose to deal with it.

I am currently focussing on Prof. Have seen each other a few times and get on very well in person, fun and chemistry. We're even going away for the weekend this weekend. My only reservation is that via messaging things can go off track - our styles are quite different and he has really worn his heart on his sleeve whereas I'm more reticent. We almost had a blip early this week but sorted it out. We have a month to continue to get to know one another before we both go away - him for quite a long time. So we'll see.

Mr Nature has been updating me during his trip, as has Mr Skipper. I still feel a spark with Mr Nature but have much more in common with Prof. Mr Skipper is just a very nice guy, so I hope we can remain friends. So, in general I feel that my faith in men has been restored somewhat and quite happy to have paused the apps for now!

Oh @Mckittens how shit of him. Maybe he saw you and realised you were to good for him!!😉 Turn it round. I have found having a break helps do some nice things for you. His loss completely!

@Mckittens

Omg I’m so sorry to hear that. There’s absolutely no excuse at all to stand someone up especially in these dates of various ways of instant communication.

It doesn’t help you feeling crap but you know deep down he’s a pathetic flaky prick and at least you didn’t get a few dates down the line before he revealed his twattery - sending hugs