Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@RosieAway I feel the same about my ex.
He has a big 4 bed house, lush car, well paid job, long term girlfriend who is younger then us so will probably move on and have more children and a shot of having a two parent family...
I know I shouldn't compare to him, but after how he treated me I think o deserved to land on my feet not him 🙈

I think I'm ready to rejoin after having nearly a month off... I just don't know what to put in my bio! What do you guys include?

@cassiatwenty oh bless you, hope you're doing ok today🩷

@cassiatwenty really hope you are doing ok, sending you a virtual hug. mr T sounds worth hanging onto.

@RosieAway rant away, it does really help in my experience. I totally relate as well. My ex was absolutely vile at times and particularly towards the end v abusive but the signs were there early on but I ignored them. I was with him 14 years and the controlling behaviour happened throughout and I consequently made a number choices that only benefitted him financially and were unwise from my perspective but I didn't realise any of that at the time. He then completely screwed me over in the separation period as well.

And now he is playing happy families with a new woman with younger kids. Has introduced our kids to her and her kids. After barely two months. He couldn't be bothered parenting his own kids when they were younger most of the time so the whole thing is really difficult to hear about. He kindly keeps me updated. And even if he didn't do that I hear it via the kids.

And here I am now into double figures of first dates. Only one second date. In 6 months. Out of the limited pool of profiles of 50 something men I'm looking at I can't imagine actually meeting anyone I really fancy and would want to get naked with. When I have met a good one I've not fancied them. I'm constantly on the verge of giving up and just focusing on other stuff but I get pulled back in.

I end up thinking negatively, and doubting whether I bring anything to the table but then I have to take a step back. I know I have good friends who really value me and who want to spend time with me. And I know I have really good relationships with both my kids that is founded in love that has been nurtured over the years. And that has to be worth so much more than money.

I've recently made a bit of plan as well, my living situation is not great. Or not what I would want or where I expected to be at this point in my life but I needed to leave so I did what I did. My kids are getting older and I've made a tentative plan just in my own mind but I have a goal to work towards in terms of when I might be able to move again back to the area I lived in before I had the kids and which I miss a lot. Not sure if it will come to fruition but it's been good just even writing it down with possible dates of when I might be able to make some changes. I don't know what ages your kids are and maybe they are much younger but even maybe setting some smaller goals for just for you might help.

@Mckittens i totally agree with making the plan. I also felt stuck living somewhere I didn’t want to live and desperately wanting to move near the kids schools and my friends. Makes you feel better and like you have some control over things as well. I would love to see the other side of the dating apps and see what the women of our age are like on there compared to the men. What are the women like? I struggle to believe we aren’t leagues above the pale, pasty, high vis jacket wearing, fish holding, pic in my van or bathroom gang!

Thanks everyone, feeling a bit gutted

Sorry if this has been asked/mentioned before.

I've been very clear what I don't want ONS/FWB I know lots of men don't read the profile etc but why do the majority start wanting to sext? Then say its a joke.

I'm thinking it's time to step away from OLD as this is how it always ends.

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm prudish I'm just bored with strangers or one time meet/date thinking this is the way to go. Fine if both want to but I don't.

That’s main reason I got fed up with OLD. My profile states in big bold letters I’m not interested in hook ups, ONS or casual sex. Yet about 75% of the blokes who messaged me tried to turn the chat sexual within a few messages. And most of the sex talk was cringey or cheesy rather than actually sexy.

I woke up this morning, still feeling a bit rotten as I had nightmares all night. And then there's a message on my mobile

"Good morning beautiful, slept well? Xx"

No, I didn't actually

I do blame myself for jumping into this without getting to know him first. But does that mean I deserve underhanded and stalkery behaviour that makes me feel bad?

Why does someone "affection" have to feel like another job? My life is stressful enough as it is. That's why I say being with someone who is not right for you will add even more problems to your life.

At least with Mr. T I have been getting to know him this whole time, and trying to build friendship based on mutual respect in lieu of passion.

I'm so exhausted from this drama. I was hoping I was going to relax this weeked, apperently not?

Please leave me alone already 😥

@cassiatwenty I’m not sure what happened but I know something happened. Are you in a position where you can block and delete? I know sometimes things aren’t that simple. But ‘underhanded and stalkery behaviour’ and ‘drama’ are absolutely not things you should put up with.

Editing to add you never need any reason to end something. If anytime you feel like you need to give a reason, a generic ‘it’s not working’ or ‘I’m not ready, sorry’ or even ‘it’s not you, its me’.

@cassiatwenty thinking of you - this sort of behaviour is absolutely not acceptable and quite frankly the person doing it to you has shown just how unhinged they are.

Block and delete the other number - it does also feel like a full time job, I’m with you. I think meeting someone slowly might be the way forward. I know I moan about lack of progression but actually by giving people time, if they are nutcases they usually reveal this. It took the last one who I was dating properly 3 months but he got there and showed his true colours.

@cassiatwenty I am so sorry you had a bad experience. I have not really been online much so not sure if you posted about it or not but whatever it is if you feel uneasy then trust your gut x

So went on a first date last night with a guy on Hinge. Conversation on Hinge and WhatsApp were going well. Date was initially going well, then he starts excusing himself to go to the toilet a handful of times. Then toward the end he ends the date saying he's going to have to call it a night.
No message after the date and nothing this morning to say 'nice meeting you' etc.
Tell me you're not into me without telling me you're not into me...😂

Also other guy I've seen 2 times but talked to daily and was meant to see next weekend, I decided to call it a day with. He still sees his ex (says they're just friends no sex but she comes round regularly), can't tell me what he wants from me, makes sex jokes then when I match his energy gets offended, plays mind games. Too old for that.

@cassiatwenty Sorry I've just read your posts now. I hope you're ok, and glad you ended things when he made you feel that way hun xx

@newdater32 that sounds like an awful date. At least you sound like you are keeping a sense of humour about it. Honestly the whole thing can have a serious impact on your self esteem. I'm so close to giving up.

I have an etiquette question.

What steps would you take/not take before meeting in person? I’m quite new to OLD so working it all out really. I generally aim to meet in person swiftly, rather than endless messages. However, that then means your committing time to go and meet someone you’ve never even spoken to. On the other hand, a friend will always speak on the phone first, for a voice check and to make sure they can ask questions before committing in person time. Im not a fan of phone calls even with friends but can see the benefits.

Anyway. Been chatting a guy, he’s about 45 mins away and he’s suggested a chat before we meet. Objectively, this is sensible. And I’ll probably give it a go. But, video or voice call? Voice call seems a bit clinic, but video too much. Just having visions of the horror stories of inappropriate nakedness or whatever!

really interested in opinions on the do’s and don’ts of this.

@FallenFigs its personal choice I think doing a call of some type can filter out the crazy ones. But most people come across well on a call. I have found some people awkward on a video call so a phone call is sometimes better. I think if you message for weeks it can build up only for disappointment to kick in when you actually meet if they aren’t your type etc. I have found talking to people gives me peace of mind but I don’t always do it if I’ve had plenty of voice notes etc.

@FallenFigs I always have a phone call before meeting (not a video call) and I try and meet within a week or two. It’s always made me more at ease with meeting in the flesh then. There was only one person that I didn’t speak to beforehand and I really wish I had as he was lovely but so, so boring. And he’s why now I’ll always have a call first 🤣

Oooh and what @Tillievanilly said, voice notes are good as well.

It’s personal choice but I’ve found the ones I had a phone call with lulled me into a false sense of security. The one I had several lengthy really great phone chats with turned out to be the worst date of my entire life and another I had great chats with decided the day before our date to send me a photo of his naked arse.

I don’t do video calls full stop - find them awkward and embarrassing but it’s a personal thing others like them

Interesting responses, thank you.

I too love a voice note and so have sent one this afternoon. On that though, I did have an experience where it exchanged voice notes for a few weeks with someone I’d met briefly as it was was a while til we could meet in person. I then created in my head a whole image of what they were like which came crashing down when I finally met them in person. False intimacy,
i think someone called it.

I still think my preference is for an in person meet - use all your senses asap. But I can see the benefit of filtering out by a phone call first.

Am put off by the idea of video simply due to the fact I’ve thus far avoided inappropriate behaviour and would rather not risk a dodgy one. That being said, I’m sure I can handle it if needed..

I don’t mind a voice call, or at least a short voice note so I know what they sound like but I don’t do video calls.

All my pictures are recent so I’m no catfish and I find it a bit too lazy when we could just meet in person for a coffee.

I’ve actually got really annoyed at two men for trying to call me on a video call without asking me in advance. If they at least ask, I don’t mind their request but I just say no.

I’ve actually filtered out a few men based on voice calls as I’ve realised they’re not for me as we have had a conversation. I rarely go on dates though as I’m quite good at figuring out the ones who aren’t compatible.

@newdater32 That’s quite rude! If he didn’t enjoy himself that’s fine but he could’ve just cut the date short a bit earlier to start with rather than all the visits to the toilet before leaving you bored at the table!

So, I was on some of the older dating threads but I’m back on this one hoping to start dating again, giving OLD one more shot and seeing how it goes. I matched with a few people yesterday and one by one they quickly began to annoy me 😭
I’d asked one what he liked to do for fun. He said he likes going out on his bike. I was like cool well the weather sucks in the UK so what kind of things do you like doing indoors /at home. It was quite a late message so I understood when he didn’t respond immediately . But he messages me this morning and says he had an early night - I was like fine- but then he says so you could say I love sleeping…

And that was it! He loves sleeping! That is his chosen indoor activity 😵‍💫

I could’ve pushed it and said what do you like doing when you are awake but I feel if I have to explain that to him we’re not compatible so I just unmatched. This is why the statistic about most men not getting dates tickles me, they really shoot themselves in the foot.

@newdater32 you sure he wasnt sniffing stuff in the loo and then decided to meet up with mates or something? I had a date like that years ago. Snorting coke in the loo all night and then openly opened tinder in front of me and was meeting someone after me !