Anyone else trying not not to contact a guy part 2??

[YouAreAllMySymmetry]

Hey loves @namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 and whoever else I can think of.

How we all doing?

I'm having a weird night; I've been drinking and guess what skill it reminded me I've developed: crying out of one eye. It means that people generally don't notice, in the car, or lying on the couch or in bed.

That's sad, isn't it.

Dunno @namechangeforthis5 it's probably just the hormones again. To be honest I could have walked out of work today and never went back.

I just...I've not had a full day of happiness now for about two years. What if it never comes back? I genuinely work so hard to keep myself busy and learn new things, and I'm actually quite good at them and proud of myself, but nothing fills this void.

I feel lonely. I'm the boss at work and the rest of my team are like two decades younger than me. I need a peer, a friend, someone to work with and enjoy. I miss it all so much.

My two closest friends are gone. One was him and the other I drove away with my insanity. And that's that. I don't know how to replace them in my 40s, it's not like you meet a lot of new people is it?

Fucking sick of being unhappy. Sick of it. Even when I'm not actively unhappy, I can see it lurking just at my peripheral vision, a blackness like fog.

It's one of the hardest things to learn that people are not your proper friends. Friendship is so casual really except for the precious few who've stuck by you for years. I have been reminded in the last few years of real friendship light and that thats what most people are.

So they're my options. 1 - Chuck them in the bin 2. Or wait for a horrendous day and leave them out in the rain, so they're destroyed.

I do not want to look attention seeking - but I do want rid of them.

On another note - how many of you have googled the term "Fuckboy"?

And @Frith2013 - you poor thing - you just need your own truth and validation no one elses.

Eugh I get this. I guess that what makes people vulnerable to these fuckboys. Its so easier said than done but try try try to find one small thing that puts a smile on your face. xx

Thanks @pubertyalloveragain

I really don't think he's a fuck boy; we knew each other long enough before this, that I know who he is. I don't think it's always as black and white as 'vulnerable women gets taken in by fuck boy'.

Sometimes feelings enter the chat and it gets complicated and sad and weird.

Of course I am not trying to simplify it at all. In my 20s and early 30s I have a good friend or whatever theyre called. We were so close and he really looked out for me. There was an attraction and as our lives were not at all parallel every now and then (years) we got together.

The term fuckboy sounds so casual and crude and I suppose superficial and immature - however I read a bit about it today and non of it is superficial. I think there are people we can know for years but it doesn't substitute for the core fuckboyness. Again I am not making light at all.

"Fuckboys are men who date to serve their egos. They are entitled, predictable, uninteresting, and hollow"

"When dating a fuck boy you’ll constantly feel confused and insecure when you’re with or not around them. You’ll begin to question your self worth and wonder if your good enough or pretty enough for them and because you feel this way, you will mold yourself into who you think they (fuck boys) want you to be, eventually losing your sense of self in the process. The reason why so many women question themselves when dating a fuck boy is because fuck boys are very inconsistent and you’ll never know where you stand with them. Fuck boys are also emotionally unavailable. Emotionally Unavailable Partners create barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people are sometimes addicts; Whether the addiction is to work, drugs, food, television, exercise, a hobby or in this case ADDICTED TO OTHER WOMEN, it will take up a considerable amount of their time and they will have no energy or time left for you."

"While in a relationship, Fuck Boys don’t respond well to love, so you giving them all the love in the world won’t help change their behavior, basically you’ll be wasting your time because the only thing a fuck boy responds well to is rejection. Don’t get me wrong fuck boys want love but they just don’t know how to receive it so they rather reject it."

Basically no surprises, its just emotionally damaged or deficient meets another emotionally damaged or deficient. In my case anyway.

First part of this very poorly written. Basically I had this friend for 15 years. You would think that in 15 years of a solid, intelligent, consistent and supportive friendship that intimate feelings would be as reliable. We were on off together for 15 years or even more, so much history and cross over. But as good as he was and he really was, he was inherently emotionally unavailable. It wasn't just me it was everyone. Now in my mid 40's I can see the impact his alcoholic father had on him as he essentially became the caretaker of all of his siblings.

What a revolting little creep he has turned out to be! And now you have clarified that he doesn’t set the record straight about having a wife, he comes off even worse. He’s a barefaced liar. He uses his talent in the hobby as some kind of status symbol to gain supply and validation.

I really understand your desire to out him completely, although he would probably lie and manipulate everyone and you might end up coming off worse.

Generally karma eventually catches up with these people, although you might not be there to see it.

Hey ladies. I am struggling too! I even considered going round to his house but didn't. I spent a lot of time checking whether he was online last night. What a waste of my life!

Hey @Bestnottoworry I know how you feel. Been there.

Stick around here, it really does help. What helps me most is going out for a walk with loud music and my camera; I always feel better mentally for doing it.

@YouAreAllMySymmetry Its just horrible. I have moments where I don't think about him and then suddenly I realise I haven't and feel bloody proud of myself! I think of all the things I did to try and make him happy but in 6 years he only ever gave me one present! I risked so much to be with him and it was all for nothing except "it's not really working for me"! He is a horrible borderline alcoholic and I so want to hurt him the way he has hurt me.

Another one struggling here! I REALLY want to message him in the pathetic hope he will come back to me. The only thing stopping me is the (very likely) thought of getting rejected all over again. I don't think I can take it.

Don’t do it. Easier said than done but don’t do it. Delete his number, don’t give yourself the chance to do it.

Every time we accept poor behaviour from someone else and don’t stand up for ourselves, we chip away at our self esteem. Is he really worth you chipping away at your self esteem? Don’t you deserve to be proud of yourself and happy with yourself and not give someone else the power over how you see yourself?

@ LifeAtForty You have hit the nail on the head exactly!!! I can't keep watching my phone and that horrible feeling of being rejected. Don't do it.

I agree, step away from the phone!

Don't do it to yourself.
Repeat x 100.

I’ve worn this out, but it’s because it’s worth repeating:
They are doing what they want to do.
If they wanted to be with you, they’d be with you.
If they wanted to call you, they’d call you.
If they wanted to message you, they’d message you.
Silence and little to no contact means that’s what they want.
Its harsh and hard to hear, but it’s true.
You’ve got used to the obsession and it’s become a brain default setting. Your brain wires itself to give you more of what it thinks you need. Brain plasticity means it can literally physically change to give you the skills/ information you access the most, hence revision for exams means repeating and repeating the same information until your brain can just give it to you on recall. Hence training for a sport or practising a musical instrument or repeating and rehearsing just about anything improves your performance.
Unfortunately you’ve spent hours unwittingly training your brain to ruminate and scan for contact from pretty indifferent and unavailable men. Sounds crap, huh? So are you doomed to do this forever?
No! The good news is that you can retrain your brain towards other more useful and less painful things.
When you want to check social media or see if there’s a message, see a big red STOP! sign in your head, then go and make yourself do something else. It will take tons of repetition and failures to start working, you’ve got a lot of hours of obsessing to undo and weaken. It’s hard work but it’s proven to work in the treatment of OCD. I ought to know, I used to suffer from it and am susceptible to it. If I notice myself ruminating and going over and over stuff in my head I force myself to just stop engaging with the thinking and turn my attention elsewhere.
Your brain needs new stuff to help it kill the obsession. It won’t just go away unless you work hard to undo the connections in your brain and forge new ones.
It’s so worth doing, don’t waste another second of brain space on anyone who is no good for you and shows you how little they care.

@Thewookiemustgo Thank you so much. That is a brilliant way of putting it! I have put that post next to me so I can keep reminding myself.

Ouch @Thewookiemustgo! But thank you. I needed that!

My mind is continually flip flopping - “He’s just scared, he does want you…” , “He might reply”, “He hasn’t blocked you so he wants to hear from you”… to exactly what was said above. If he wanted to be in contact he would be. If he had wanted to make this work he wouldn’t have run away. And if he was a decent person he wouldn’t have behaved like such a prick!!

Need to hold on to the anger and not let the silly, little voice of hope win.

As Jane MacDonald said on Radio 2 this morning - never run after a bus or a man, there will always be another one. Its a good philosophy and made me smile.

Hi all,

Can I join you? In a very similar place, although I am OK when I don't see him.
A couple of things that I have found helpful:
" There should be nothing that makes someone less attractive to you than the fact they don't want you".

"The best way to make them fall for you is to make yourself less available" - i.e. no contact works both ways: it helps us recover, and it makes them want us more (although hopefully by that point, we won't want them!)

I have also googled Limerance, and whilst I don't necessarily agree with everything about it, I find the idea that what I am ruminating about is a concept, rather than a person, helpful. We are addicted to the dopamine, it is not really about these people at all. That is why limerants describe themselves as having a "limerant object" - really, it isn't about a person.

The little voice won. I'm a dick. It's been two hours and no reply and know I won't get one. Feel like a fool. Whhhhhhyyyy did I do it?

Ah mate.

We've all been there. It's better not to open the door but sometimes you just crack. You're human.

@LifeAtForty Forget it and move on. You can do this. The not answering is the only answer you need. That is why I am not going to text mine.

@LifeAtForty be kind to yourself. Is there any way you can give his number to a trusted friend, then delete it? You don't even need to block him. So if he wants to reach out, he can, and you are not getting rid of his number forever. But it just helps in those moments. You don't deserve to feel this way.