H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Wow mumnet as always. He's cheating do you get joy from someone else's sadness. Op please talk to him

It sounds more like he is struggling than an affair. It’s not ok that he has written you a letter and walked off. I would speak to in laws to see if he can call the children and put a plan together. My ex calls our children every night. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

No one feels joy at having to tell @Solost200 that there's a high probability that her husband has cheated on her. Have a word with yourself fgs.

I think he is having an affair, BUT to give another option, 3 years ago DH rang me one day from work and told me he had rented a house!! We own outlr house so as you can imagine this confused me. Totally out of the blue.

He moved out the next day. It was truly awful. He cut me off totally for 6 weeks. Eventually when we spoke I realised that he had had a complete MH breakdown. He couldn't stop crying, was a wreck of a man, had lost nearly 2 stone that he couldn't afford to lose. It turned out he had been having panic attacks every day for months but had hidden them from me. He didn't know what to do, and he just acted without thinking. I had no idea what was going on for him.

We went for counselling, he got help on his own and I got therapy on my own. He moved back in 12 weeks after he left and we have genuinely never been better. He still struggles massively with anxiety and panic but it's like that break reset him and gave him strength to seek help.

I just wanted to give another perspective. We don't have joint kids though so that is different.

@floppybit awful isn’t wasnt just once but three times then constant texts have you told them yet have you told them.
Why would I? It’s disgusting

He is an utter cunt. He is being so, so cruel.

it might be that she doesn't want to be in the middle of a mess, so she can keep seeing her grandchildren if it does go tits up

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.
How can the bastard show such little concern for his children?! What a fucking prick.

Seek shit-hot legal advice and stop communicating with him as he requested - other than via a lawyer that is. Take copies of all the messages (I would send them to his mum TBH) and say that it is a shame he cares so little for his children that he left the dirty work of talking to them to you.

Wow, how great to be able to opt out of being a parent on a whim, knowing you will pick up the slack.

Lazy, spineless git

Solid advice/ learned experience here. 👌 sorry you're going through this

Affair or not, what an absolute bastard he is. To treat you and his children like you are some sort of disposable commodity, vanish from your lives, demand that you don't involve 'his' family while leaving you to cover for him is unfor-fucking-giveable. I am furious on your behalf, OP. Unless he's having a genuine mental health crisis (he isn't), I hope his fucking dick drops off. Wishing you love and strength x

He is a spineless cowardly git! Who the fuck does he think he is telling you to calm down, your whole world has turned upside down, AND he has left you to tell the kids something about his disappearance!

I hope you get an appointment with a lawyer soon.

OP please, if he does come crawling back, think about what he's done and whether you actually want him.

I have been in a similar situation and the coldness and detachment in which he was able to just up and leave so suddenly without discussion, explanation or any care left towards me still sticks with me today. We are back together. It's been years and years and I've never properly got over it.

We've got kids now and although I'm happy enough day to day, if I could go back in time I'd have told him to fuck off the day he decided to return. During the whole thing his side of the family said some really awful things about me and my relationship with them has never recovered.

I was so overcome with relief that he had gone "back to normal" and I had my DH back that I just accepted his apology.

I fully expect it to happen again and feel great anxiety about it. It doesn't matter how many years pass. The trust doesn't fully return. He has no answer about why he did it. I don't actually think he'd started anything with another woman yet but he had one lined up and was chatting with her literally with a day or two.

Obviously some people can just forgive and mics on but I don't think it's easy.

I would be highly tempted to say that you know exactly how he feels, re feeling trapped and in need of some time out, before telling him that you're going to leave him with the kids, whilst you go off travelling indefinitely, but say that you would like them to visit you for a week in a year's time to do something fun with them. Honestly these sort of men are absolute tossers.

He's either a useless feckless idiot, having an affair, or could possibly be depressed, although my money is on one of the first two.

The don't tell my mum anything suggests he's definitely got something to hide if he doesn't want mummy to know.

‘Tell the kids whatever you want’? What a dick. I’d be messaging him - DC wants to talk to you, what would you like me to tell her? Make him say it and prove how terrible a dad he is - it might help you later on.

I agree with the above from @Aquamarine1029. The reason is less important than the fact he can abandon you all- that alone is hideous.

I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you OP. My heart goes out to you.

My STBEXH did something very similar 14 months ago. Absolutely out of the blue he announced he was unhappy and when I struggled to comprehend what was happening he kindly wrote me a list of the things wrong with me / our marriage.

He left the same day. I was heartbroken, and all the other types of broken. He may or may not have had another woman, for a number of reasons I'm not sure that he did but TBH it's never felt like it mattered because the main issue is the heartless callous way he just left. He knew I would be devastated but walked away to the open arms of his mum leaving me to pick up the pieces, try not to crumple to the extent of scarring DS (4 weeks prior to GCSE's), care for dog, work etc.. iMO it takes a particular type of person to be able to break someone else and not look back.

I know this feels impossibly hard OP. I thought I'd never recover. But I did- and much more quickly than I expected because TBH I realised that he was not who I thought he was. I still don't understand why it happened, or how I thought he was a good man, but I've found that acceptance can come without understanding.

Please do lean on your friends and family and anyone else who can offer support. Sometimes support is also found in unexpected places- I fell apart at the hairdressers the following week. He'd told me my hair was a mess and I told the hairdresser and she was so so kind and has ended up being a brilliant friend.

Take things one day, hour, minute at a time. I know it's impossible to believe atm but I promise you that at some point in the future things won't feel anywhere near so bad. Right now though it feels awful, and that's ok as long as you remember this is not your fault and there is absolutely no excuse for abandoning you, DC and responsibilities like this.

Consider getting some counselling. I've found it incredibly helpful.

In terms of the future don't put pressure on yourself to look far ahead if it's overwhelming. Try not to make any rash decisions. Take legal advice if you can afford it, although there's no huge rush. The main thing is to try and gather any info that you might need (obvs within the law), because the text book approach tends to be to twist facts and hide things quite quickly despite initial reassurance that they will "see you right". Unfortunately you can no longer afford to give him the benefit of the doubt or trust him to do any kind of decent thing.

Take care OP. You will be ok I promise.

So sorry for what has happened. Please do as others have advised by getting all the papers you can find ready for the solicitor..
Photo shoot even the messages he is sending and don’t let him control you. Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry this has happened. This guy is not the man you married he’s become a complete bastard and the sooner he’s gone and a divorce comes through the better. He will never be the same man again even if he comes crawling back. He’s so awful.

I am suggesting something a bit wild but I think if possible, make sure he’s got the kids over a weekend soon (and he better not refer to it as babysitting it is his duty as a parent to have the kids too. Start pulling him up on BS like that if he says it). Go out somewhere nice for an evening. Maybe a drink with that friend if possible. Somewhere where you can get dressed up in a great outfit and not even with the plan to meet anyone and enjoy admiring glances. It will remind you that you are a desirable woman and there are lots of other men out there and it’s not about finding someone right now, just enjoying freedom. Screw your husband he’s shown what he is. Sending lots of virtual hugs and kisses to you and your kids xx

I thought this was weird too - and if it was an affair, why would he go to his parents and not to live with this other woman? That's what made me think maybe it is some curveball like he is ill?

Don’t start with the ‘typical mumsnet’ bollocks. Did you even bother reading what the OP has said? Do you think talking to him hadn’t occurred to her? She’s been trying to talk to him. He’s refusing to talk to her. What’s she supposed to do? Bundle up the DC in the car and shout and scream at his parents house until he comes to the door? RTFT.

Think about friends. You may need two.

One, who does not need to be close, who is practical and task orientated and who could help you organise things, perhaps go with you to the solicitor and take notes, read drafts of your emails before you send, and so on. (Another tip if you ever write to him, is draft it but don't send it till the next day - by then you will be able to cut out a lot of the emotion.) I have done this about five times over the years for various friends. Its a sure fire way of losing a friend, because by the end of it the friend will remind you of the bad times at a point when you are trying to move on. (Last time I did it for the son, just seeing his look when his mother went into yet another rant about the dad.) It might help if they don't know your DH well so don't have a view about him. The administrative process is a tough one to do on your own. You could start by asking someone whether they would be willing to go with you to the solicitor.

Then the shoulder to cry on. Some who will listen when you are low, but will also help you pick yourself up, and remind you how worthwhile and strong you are. Your DH has been able to act without emotion. You will obviously have emotions, but you need to release them in a controlled way.

In and amongst you will be mourning the life you had and the future you envisaged. One tip is to look ahead beyond the mess that is a divorce, and try to see a future. At one point I was helping someone I went to University with. We had not kept in touch but lived close and would bump into each other every so often, so it was a surprise when she phoned me out of the blue. In and amongst we would talk about the sort of house she might be able to get buy from the proceeds of the divorce. It would be in a nice, but cheaper area, large enough for soon to be adult children to stay when they were home from University, with a community, a book club, that sort of thing. A couple of years later I got in contact, how was she? And, amazingly, she was living in the exact area we talked about and though the house was small it was large enough for an adult daughter to live their with her fiancé during lockdown. And she was happy and very much over her cheating DH.

Another tip is that the relationships you want to maintain are those with your children. Support them and help them feel secure but don't make them choose. Soon enough they will work things out for themselves. For example this weekend, you ask them what they want to do. Their father needs to spend the weekend with the grandparents. Do they want to go. Not least the ILs may be worried sick that they loose contact, and will welcome reassurance that this is not your plan.

Still it is awful. A trip to the GP for something to help you sleep over the next few days?

My first thought would be that he’s too much of a coward to face his wife and tell her he’s leaving, and he doesn’t want anyone to judge him for having an affair. So he moves into his parents so everyone thinks it’s all innocent and then introduces the woman in a month or two, as someone who has been ‘helping’ him recover from whatever craziness he’s going to accuse the OP of putting him through. It’s such a cliche.

So he doesn't care how much or how little he sees the children? This is bizarre, and though I get why everyone is saying it's an affair, if he's been a loving father up to now, I too would wonder whether he's having some kind of breakdown.

Because he wants to hide the affair from his parents as well. And in a few months he will announce he's found someone "new".