H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

This is one of the most awful things I've read on here. What a completely selfish, self centred individual. Ok so he wanted out of the marriage for whatever reason, but to be so spineless and uncaring to leave a letter and not even have the balls or emotional strength to sit the dc down and explain what's going on. Leaving it all to you. So sorry you're having to deal with this op.

I'd also say OW in the wings. My ex had a 6 month affair and he never changed a thing. Work, home, I had access to his phone etc. if they want to do they will find a way.

Hey OP

Good to hear of the real life support! Prepare for another person.

I have just read the book Watermelon by M. Keyes and this is what happens to hr main character. It is a bit rom-commy in places but has a really important part where the husband tries to return.

Sending strength!!!!

The way he has treated you is awful. I do think it sounds like it could be a mental health issue, that doesn't excuse it but if I was you I would give him some space and not make any big decisions yet.

@Solost200

Remember that no matter what you think, this was NOT a 'sudden' decision. I guarantee that he's been planning this for weeks, if not months. And no matter what he said to you in his letter, you cannot believe a word of it, especially the part about continuing to pay the bills. At some point he's going to realize that 1-he doesn't have to, and 2-he wants that money to set up his own 'new' life. This is why it's imperative that you see a solicitor ASAP. I'm so glad you have a friend to help you get that done.

You need to get whatever proof you can of his finances. It's also not unknown that they begin to hide assets. You cannot trust him. I'm sorry, but you just can't.

As far as another woman, TBH I usually don't jump on the 'cherchez la femme' bandwagon, but for some reason my spidey sense is tingling. Maybe it's all his 'non-answers' to his parents combined with him being too cowardly to face you. But don't think that just because his routine hasn't changed that means he isn't cheating. Sometimes routines don't change in visible ways, they just rearrange things to accommodate cheating. Calling in sick, booking vacation days, meeting on lunch hours, where there's a will there's a way.

God that's awful op. This is such a huge betrayal of his wedding vows. If he was having problems, the first thing he should have done is to talk to you about it. You are supposed to be a team. Instead he locked you out and doomed the marriage.

This is all on him. I'm livid, what a huge betrayal, what a scum bag.

What a prick.

leaving his wife is one thing, but to just leave his kids, not call them, etc etc

What a shitbag.
Behaves as normal then leaves a letter and fucks off, seemingly without a care in the world and doesn't even bother to discuss arrangements for the DC or what he is going to tell them. Awful.
I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. Unfortunately I suspect an OW. This has happened to a few of my friends and in every case there was an OW waiting in the wings.
My ex (we weren't married but together a long time) did similar twice. More fool me for taking him back the first time...
Everything was fine, or seemed to be fine at least, and then out of the blue he said he was leaving because he wanted more freedom and blahblah. And both times it turned out he'd been having emotional affairs with women via WhatsApp.

How cruel of him.
You must be reeling.

I expect you'll find out about the OW soon.

I'm so sorry OP. He's a bastard to do this to you and the children.

Just like this?
Must have planned for a while.
I don't have experience with such situation,
but why would some affair partner go for a father of three kids?
Sorry if insensitive, just my opinion.

Have you seen threads on 'the script' on here?
Sorry. It can happen to anyone.

I'm sorry to hear that about your parents. I felt similar about mine but they were in fact incredibly supportive

Hey OP,

You’ll definitely find the Runaway Husbands website helpful:

https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

—————-

Is This Your Story?

You believed yourself to be in a happy, secure marriage. Then one day, out-of-the-blue, your husband turned to you and said, “I can’t do this anymore” and just like that, your marriage was over.
From that moment on, your life became unrecognizable as you struggled to understand what happened.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone and you're not crazy - you're a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome.Wife Abandonment Syndrome is when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy in the marriage.

Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated. Although recovery is a struggle, many women find that it forces them to reinvent themselves in positive and exciting new ways.

A mum with a two month baby will have lots of free time to voice note you compared to one with a busy job

So very sorry OP. He’s lied and not been honest.

Hes been planning it a while as you don’t just write a letter on the spur of the moment.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

Why do men get to just dick off whenever they feel like it?

You’re literally left holding three babies. He’s quite literally scum.

It’s pretty much certain it involves his dick one way or another. that’s the only piece of equipment many men can think with.

Id stop fretting about him and start worrying about you and the kids. Don’t take your name off the joint account. He earns more than you and he needs to continue to pay his share.

I would get the ball rolling and start divorce. There’s no fool like an old fool.

As PP has said, he’s got baggage, three kids and a wife to support. He’s hardly a great catch, ie not much money and presumably in his 40s.

If some fly by night has helped him imagine he’s 18 again for a brief period of time, I’m looking forward to when he wakes up from his mid life crisis and realises a bit of skirt is just that. Reality is going to be a kicker.

What an immature and disappointing man-child. What an idiot. I’m so sorry.

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

Do you suspect that you’re a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome? Here are the ten defining characteristics that will let you know if you are. You don’t need to check off all ten to fit the definition.

**
1.Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2.The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship

3.The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

4.Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

5.By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

6.The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7.The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.

8.In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

9.The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10.Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.

——-

https://www.runawayhusbands.com/
—

Such weird and hurtful behaviour from him

Look on you tube for videos about help with break ups. They will give you something to focus on and some understanding. It's out of the blue for you but he has obviously been thinking it for a while so it's an idea he has gotten used to. How old are your kids? If you don't want to take them to him at the weekend then don't. I would be honest with them and then ignore him really and let him ask to see them. He can't just leave them and he needs to sort his own shit out. Don't cover for him with them.

I’m really sorry Evilspiritgin 💐

So sorry OP, just never ceases to amaze me how shit some men can be.

He's been having a long term affair, possibly for years which is why you haven't noticed a change in behaviour. She's finally given him an ultimatum. Me or your family. Just remember if this turns out to be the case, he choose to put you and his children behind him.

The fact he's not even sounding that fussed about how much time they spend with him is so telling. He wants to start a new life.

Utter, utter scum.

Make copies of that letter. If he tries to pin blame on you, I'd be tempted to send a copy to his parents at some point so they know exactly what's he's done to you.

It’s odd that your mil suddenly became unhelpful. She obviously knows something.

How dare he have a go at you for involving his family in this when he involved them first by announcing (not asking.....notice?) that he wil staying with them for a while!

His head has been turned, so take him at his word. See a lawyer, tell the kids that "Daddy has left and I dont know why" (I had to do that and it killed me but the truth was ultimately better for them) and communicate only about the kids and financials. That way you are not buying into his "crazy ex" narrative that he is using to justify this.

The trash took itself out. I know you dont feel it now but one day you will be grateful he did this.

FYI, the trash will almost certainly try to bring itself back in again, tell him to FUCK OFF.

You need to look at what sparked this.

Worringly, as a PP said, I think it was fathers day and an ultimatum the day after.
Why though?
There is a huge secret. He cant face telling you. Of course there is another woman but what else is there?

I am so sorry.

(I got divorced last week. When you think you have solved the spectrum of lies, you never have, there are even worse)

To be brutally truthful. Fuck them, if they cannot support you when you need it most?what good are they?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think your OH is depressed or he is having some sort of mid luf3 crisis.
I would say give him space and time, but I would tell MIL that he needs to call and speak to the kids.