H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

My initial thought was other woman, due to a similar experience but luckily no kids with.

I know someone suggested illness but is it not possible he's got himself into some criminal trouble (maybe something at work, so he can't hide it from you that he's not going in) and he's panicked and bailed. Is the leave it upto you how often, a precursor of something he fears may be on the horizon? It's just very bizarre when you have 3 young DCs and it's only the past few days you've seen a little change.

I like this idea!

Does he work in an all-male environment, op, or is it mixed?
I would definitely suspect there’s someone else. As a previous poster said, men are lazy and don’t generally leave to live a solo life… be sure there’s someone in the wings.
Time to start digging, and dig deep.

So sorry this is happening to you.

@Solost200 I am sorry, 3 years agai I was writing a similar post on here.
My ex husband did this to me, like you I couldn’t understand what was happening, I thought he was having a breakdown,, turns out he had fallen for his work colleague.
💐

I'm so sorry OP. This must be devastating.

I also think there is another woman. He will stay with his parents, rent a place and then "meet" a new woman - and of course no there was no overlap. I'll eat my hat if there isn't another woman.

But he is a particularly cowardly piece of shit isn't he? How can he just leave a marriage without a conversation? How can he dare to tell you to calm down? How can he be so nonchalant about his children? How can he not even want to talk to his children about his immediate absence from their lives?

I'd have lost all respect for him. From now on - no matter what else he says or does - remember that this man is NOT your friend. He does NOT have your interests in his mind at all. The man you thought you know is gone and won't be coming back. Tell your own relatives and friends, get support, and figure out what suits you best.

I think those of us who have been there are saying "affair" because we all experienced the exact same thing.
I don't think it's a breakdown. I think if it was there would have been signs before now, you would have picked up on signs of stress,not sleeping, changes in behaviour.
But if he's been pursuing an affair he's been happily doing so and has basically been having his cake and eating it.
It's likely an ultimatum has been given. This is exactly what happened in my situation and up until then there were literally no signs, we were even still sleeping together so it wasn't an issue of no sex.
I know people on MN say we all jump on the affair bandwagon in these situations but honestly the script is real and it's borne out over & over again.
And as I said before, even if it's the one time it isn't an affair, he has behaved appallingly. There is no excuse for his cold behaviour towards you & the kids either.

For those of us who have been on the wife in these situations its blindingly obvious. For every one man who is genuinely mentally ill there are ten thousand who are shagging someone else. Yes a breakdown is possible but vanishingly unlikely.

For anyone who has never experienced it , there are a myriad of reasons that you can think of because you dont have the benefit of hindsight, and I hope, genuinely, that you get to stay in that blissful naivety that we all once had.

The Script is called that for a reason. They all roughly follow the same pattern, including as a pp said, moving to a relatives or friends to "prove" that they are leaving because of the crazy ex (the ex being crazy is a major part of the script). As a former pub manager, and the ex wife of a cheating shit, seen it too many times for them to be coincidences.

Either it works out for him and he "suddenly" meets someone at work, or (more likely) the AP will not want him and he will start turning up to see the kids looking like he slept in a skip and having lost weight wanting to come back.

@Solost200 so sorry for what you must be going through. I’m afraid this has another woman written all over it. Ive heard and seen this same story time and time again…. he just up’d and left, he doesn’t have time for an affair, he must be depressed, etc etc. It’s pretty much always another woman in the end. It’s also extremely rare that a man would up and leave his home and kids in such a way unless there’s a third party involved. He can’t justify his actions so he’s taken the cowards way out and left you a note and shut you off until “you calm down” and gone to stay with his parents. His behaviour and actions stink of guilt, and it will be a woman at work he’s had his head turned by. He will never admit it, but there will be someone else. Regardless though, what an absolute knobhead for walking out on you and his children in such a way leaving you to explain things to them.

Excellent advice.

Hi OP, please ignore those who are insisting he has another woman, do they have a crystal ball or something, they are all such know it alls.
He may well be under huge mental pressure that has nothing whatsoever to do with another woman, my own brother did a very similar thing, he just felt mentally overwhelmed.
You both need some breathing space, taking time to sit down and talk, not all this frenzied running to solicitors.
I know it’s a shock and he’s not handled it well but please do take time to talk.
There are specific organisations that assist with men’s mental health if he needs help.

Yes, it is weird. I can think of some possible reasons why he's with his parents - OW hasn't left her OH yet, or OW is some kind of Internet romance, but I think the key thing is that he has told OP he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

A long time ago, BFF's fiancé broke it off because he wanted "space." (ick) Turned out he had been hitting on all her friends (including me) during the engagement.

Most men who have an affair deny it until they are blue in the face. Majority of men don’t move straight in with the affair partner so they can act like the break up was nothing to do with someone else then slowly “introduce” them. My sisters husband did the exact same thing, claimed he had been unhappy for ages, he moved in with his parents but was actually having an affair with someone from work.

Taking time to talk all rather depends on him agreeing to discuss his unilateral ending of their entire life together.

This is not a man having a breakdown, this is a man being a selfish shit.

The reasons why are irrelevant to the OP, her life and her kids lives have been blown apart by this dickhead who is refusing to talk to her until she "calms down". How the hell did he (or indeed you) expect her to react when her marriage and her family are in pieces on the back of a letter left on the table and him fucking off.

We are not know it alls, we are "been there, done that, got the decree absolute" from a man who was indeed cheating, lying and a selfish sack of crap. I hope that you never find out what thats like.

They are at work then? What's he been like with his phone?

I agree with the people who are saying he is seeing somebody else. That's almost always the reason for abandonment.
Document everything. Keep all his texts. Do not try to schedule time with the kids for him. That's not your responsibility. Clearly state that you will not be doing that for him. If he does not take the initiative to see his children, you can consider them abandoned as well, eventually file for abandonment in court and you will never have to see or speak to him again. Believe me when I tell you that is best for your mental health. You may think it's better for the kids to have a relationship with him, but it is not. He is emotionally disturbed and will only let them down time after time. He has already demonstrated his utter indifference to them and doesn't care if he sees them or not. I bet his parents requested the kids come on the holiday, which is the only reason he has made this request.
First and foremost, make sure your money is safe from him. Get an STI test as well. Good luck. It's going to be a rough road, but once divorced, you will ultimately you be happier without this absolute prick in your life. You will start to notice red flags you had dismissed before and realize he was never really the person you thought he was.

I've not read all the responses but just in see it's not been said yet: please get an STI check.

My exH left citing similar nonsense and he was so hard done to and needed freedom from me being controlling etc. He moved in with his affair woman, had 2 kids with her, split up with her, shagged around a bit and has now moved in with another woman and her 2 kids. Thankfully he's had a vasectomy now so he can't get anyone else pregnant. He looks like absolute shit. He looks gaunt in the face but podgy round the middle, his skin is grey and dry and wrinkled, his hair is disappearing, he looks like he sleeps in a skip to borrow a previous posters description, and to cap it all he looks miserable as sin. Our dc tell me of frequent arguments in the new love nest. No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live as they say. In contrast I'm happier than I've ever been, glowing with relative health, healthy skin, rosy cheeks, slimmer than when I was with him and loving being single. It's been 11 years and it's great. I wish I'd left him years before but the children were only small. You'll look back in a year, two, three and realise how amazingly strong you are and how much better you are without him. I think this whole thread has your back and I think mumsnet will be a great support for you whenever you need it. You can do this

I am furious on your behalf at your H's behaviour. A Weapons Grade bellend.
You are doing great BTW. Focus on the practical stuff. 💪💪💪And for you.

OP you have been treated very badly.
You are having to be strong in ways that should not be asked of you.

'Yes' to those saying 'He might be having a breakdown... ' He might.
However, OP has not seen any sign of distress from him until now - not even looking back with hindsight.

He must be very very good at acting a role for there to be absolutely no suggestion of low mood or anxiety or deep depression.

+Why would he need to cover all this up to such an extent?

If he is a good actor - so a good liar - then an affair or at least becoming infatuated with another woman/man suddenly seems more likely.

If he has been able to carry on a deception like this so convincingly, it isn't likely that he will simply admit to an affair now.

Being the hero of his own story - even in a twisty unlikely way- can become very important to a cheater.

my own brother did a very similar thing, he just felt mentally overwhelmed.

Men usually do when they are having an affair and living a double life.

Mine saw a co-worker at lunch time, so it was impossible to spot for more than five years. Then he made a mistake and got seen by somebody I know. Cheaters always find a way.
Or he could be doing it on the internet. Cybersex is cheating. I know lots of people whose spouses "fell in love" 🙄 with somebody online.
Look at any joint credit card records, going back at least a year, for any unusual pattern of charges. Then make sure the cards are no longer joined, so he can't buy his paramour gifts you'll have to pay for.

@Solost200

I'm SO sorry, it must be such a body blow when it's completely unexpected! Ex's have suddenly decided they were leaving, but it's never been completely unexpected.

Never had one leave that didn't have someone in the wings (though did the performative 'staying with parents/friends' routine). Even though you don't feel it's likely keep it in mind so it's not a total gut punch.

I'm glad you told your friend. As much as MN is great, you need someone in RL too. Such a shame she's just moved away xx

I hope her DH helps you find a good solicitor. It never hurts for them to realise you're not sobbing into your cornflakes & taking it lying down! (Even if you are (understandably sobbing into your cornflakes he doesn't need to know that)

As for telling his parents, that was the right thing to do, he doesn't get to control who you talk to!! If he doesn't want them to think less of him, he shouldn't behave like a complete wanker!

it's one thing to end a marriage, it's quite another to refuse to discuss it! Telling you to calm down & he's not discussing it until you calm down is nasty. Plus saying to tell the kids what you want, it should be him explaining himself, not leaving it to you.

🤬🤬🤬

I also know how hard it is to accept the man you loved & though you knew could be so incredibly hurtful & wonder who this stranger invading his body is???? Hoping the real him comes back.

sending strength & love to you. It is a terrible time, but you will get through it xx

I haven't been through this so can't advise from a position of experience. From reading others' replies it sounds like an affair is a real possibility, but I don't know why (maybe optimistic thinking, if you can call it that) - I just think it could also be something else like illness and so think perhaps OP shouldn't rule out the possibility that it may not be an affair.

Sadly I think men are capable of this kind of sudden change, usually it is another woman look at the recent behaviour of Rory McIlroy to his wife. You need to start doing what is right for yourself and your children now, get a lawyer and get all the paperwork on finances in order.

After RTFT, I think that's bollocks.

I know it’s a shock and he’s not handled it well but please do take time to talk.

how do you suggest she does that when he has scuttled away without a word spoken to his wife and just a letter left on the table? When this is what he did?

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Does that sound like a breakdown? Sitting in his parent's home and telling his wife to calm down?

Op needs to look out for herself here - because he certainly isn't going to look out for her.