H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

oh I just read your post of ex telling your daughter over the phone. What a nasty piece of work. I am so sorry you and the kids are going through this. You did nothing wrong.

Huge hugs op, so sorry you are your kids are going through this

Stay strong

Actually I was reminded of a similar situation in real life. The husband suddenly left his wife shocking us all. It was an affair. The husband acted in a similar way to the one in this thread - was determined not to feel guilty about what he was doing and moved out and avoided the kids.
The wife took them to his door and rang the doorbell and told him to look in their faces.
He was still besotted with his OW however and could only think with his dick. It was only when the OW (who was also married) ended it that he came down to earth again and returned home again.
I still see this couple occasionally and I totally look down on him and pity her.

I’m divorced. I didn’t go through this as I was the one to end the relationship, doing so with grace, but post divorce the parenting part has been tough. I agree with others that an affair is highly likely but it could be with a man or woman. Be prepared for either.

My advice is to get on a family messaging app where phone calls are recorded. Talking parents here in the US records the calls. As he changes the narrative with the children it will happen on the phone calls and it will be recorded this way. All messages should go through the same platform. No emails and I wouldn’t do text or phone calls within the app either. You need to completely separate yourself from him so you can heal.

I would first focus on getting yourself a therapist who has experience of trauma based therapy and family care. The children will need someone to talk to because this has to be a huge shock to them. I’d look to get yourself a divorce coach. Yes it’s an American thing but it’s great. They help you with documentation, transitioning to your new life in terms of budgeting and they are a fraction of the cost of a lawyer. I really wish I had hired one at the start.

While he has had time to prepare, honestly, it really doesn’t matter that much because it’s a pretty cut and dry process for the vast majority of divorce cases. He has moved out of the home so you don’t have to worry about that. Right now you need to focus on keeping your job, providing stability for your children and the way to achieve that is looking after yourself.

If you haven’t already done so, call your family and best friend. This is when you need support. Personally I wouldn’t drop the children off with him and his parents this weekend. I’d not communicate at all for a couple of days and see what he does. Have the children with your family and friends so you get a moment to yourself this weekend.

I would check the terms and conditions of your holiday that was booked. If you can cancel it for a 80% refund do so. He doesn’t get to book a holiday with you, that he intends to take the children on presumably with the person he has been having an affair with. Don’t make it easy for him. He can do the research himself and book his own holiday with his new found freedom.

If l was his mother l wouldn't be entertaining him. She's enabling his behaviour.

I dying think there is another woman k think he's a man child.

No one can say if the problem is another woman at this point in time.

He does seem to have suddenly checked out of family life.

@Solost200 the resources on here might be the best way to handle things going forward though I appreciate this is hard to do. One step at a time.

https://www.chumplady.com/

I just wanted to say that you’re doing a great job by your children, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I remember only too well the confusion I felt when it happened to me. Feeling so guilty that “I’d missed it”, that he “couldn’t talk to me”, that he was “having a break down” and the deep down conviction that there must be something wrong, because he wouldn’t be cheating on me - but he was. And the lies he told me and the children. And how seven years on, everything is still my fault. Please don’t let him gas light you. This is NOT your fault. Lawyer up. Ask around people you know who have through similar for the best one. See more than one, this is going to be for the long haul for a bit, so make sure that you have the RIGHT one. Engage with mediation asap. Any UK court will demand that you’ve at least “tried” that route, and it will be a lot cheaper than court proceedings if it’s possible to go down that route, but get some free legal advice first. It’s highly likely that he’ll make noises about finances quite quickly, so cover your back fast, and if you are reliant on him financially, get your ducks in a row quickly. Apply for universal credit today, and any housing assistance you can get, it’ll take a while for an application to get processed, but will be backdated to the date of application. Don’t sign off on any documents without legal advice, I made that mistake, and listened to my H when he told me that I needed to separate finances, so ended up completely shafted. Finally, a 50/50 split might sound “fair” but is highly unlikely to actually BE “fair”, so don’t listen to what he tells you, ask a lawyer, but know what you need and don’t downplay that need. It’s not just you that any financial decisions will affect, but your children as well.
Above all, please know that this is a very dark tunnel, but there is light at the end of it. There were days when I don’t know how I survived. Two years of counselling. There are still days when I still struggle, but overall I’m happier now than I ever was before. Hold onto that. And surround yourself with friends. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people that maybe you feel as if you barely know. Work colleagues, parents of children’s school friends etc. you’ll be surprised how supportive they will be. And keep the schools updated on the situation. This will be very disruptive for your children, no matter how hard you try to protect them. Good luck OP.

He's a bastard isn't he. Blaming his parents for making parenthood look easy. Blaming you for his daughter being upset at the situation. When will he take some responsibility for his own actions? I too would offer 50/50 on child access to see his reaction.

Why do so many men think they can just walk out and dump all responsibility on their wives/partners? It's like, I want me freedom but you'll have none.

What a horrific shock, @Solost200.

Your H has bargained away so much — his commitment, integrity, honesty, empathy, and fairness — all to justify leaving a trauma bomb on your kitchen table and sneaking out like a Rat. After 11 years and 3 children, his brutal actions are appalling.

In my view, he has failed to protect his fidelity when faced with a temptation, and there has been an escalation. His ‘struggle’ has only come about since he allowed his head to be turned. He has been rewriting/devaluing the marriage and severing his connection to you to make room for a shiny OW who has now presented him with an ultimatum.

He abandoned all semblance of decency and responsibility by abruptly ending the marriage and destabilizing the children via a shitty note left in the kitchen. To then twist the knife when you requested a conversation and reached out to his parents was beyond cruel and contemptuous. Refusing to face his children is par for the course and shows just how cowardly, self-serving, and detached he has become.

I have just seen your disturbing updates, @Solost200. H’s mistreatment of DD is sickening. How dare he traumatize her and accuse you of emotional manipulation when she had every right to ask to speak to her dad. This guy is a master of swerving responsibility and shifting the blame for his destructive choices and actions to you and his parents.

Knowledge is power and you are preparing a position of strength. I hope your appointment goes well.

There's another woman, I'd bet my house on it.

You're doing great OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What a shitbag he is. How could anyone just dump their children 😥

Hey op, how are you and your children feeling this morning?

Good lord it's like they go on a course to learn this shit isn't it, and I'm afraid your H really studied hard for this one
He's even using the script on his own parents , their fault for making it look easy indeed
100% another woman or some similar equally as bad betrayal
He's able to act like this as he's been playing this out in his head for a while so he expects everyone else just to roll over and take it and can't understand why everyone is so confused and upset
Eugh .

The first meeting is often free.
A good solicitor should be used to the fact you will be shocked.
I went through a divorce and my solicitor was a great support through a very tough time.
We are proud of you.

OP I am sorry you are having to navigate this and well done for doing g it so well. What a disappointing father he is being.

Exactly

What a spineless selfish shit. I’m so sorry OP. For you and your kids.

Solicitor pointers....
Divorce has 2 parts. The actual 'divorce' papers and the financial consent order.
Only pay the solicitor to advise on and draft the consent order.
Honestly the actual divorce application is as easy as filling in a passport application and paying the fee online. You don't need to pay a solicitor for that bit. Save your ££ for where it really matters. That is their advice-on and drafting-of the consent order.
Another thing I could have done myself was changing severance of joint tenancy on the family home. I'd have saved quite a bit of ££ there.

Don’t want to hijack thread but reading on here how other women have been through similar experiences has really helped me
He has not admitted an affair; he covered it up but the way a “new girlfriend” emerged after he had left (former colleague) gave it away. I was never sure because he had blamed me for everything and reading on here that other women also received “a List” of what was “Their Fault” has shifted something for me.
I couldn’t shake the feeling it was something I had done. Now I have

They have their own child now too and seem to have lasted but I am not sure if karma will hit at some point

His mother has fawned all over them and that has been a second hurt as I loved her as a mother at one point in my life. Be careful OP. She will side with her son.

And a third hurt was the friends who kept in touch with them not me.

Sorry to write on your thread OP

As a grandmother, those are my feelings exactly. As he is the one to change the status quo, it’s his responsibility to be honest with your children.

I'm not sure if you've received this suggestion but I'd document every interaction he has with you and the kids. Date, time, summary.

His behaviour towards your daughter was callous and cruel.

If he was to try at some point for custody, it'll be helpful to have a record of his behaviour towards the children.

I really hope you get the divorce started and get the papers out to him ASAP. He thinks he has all the power right now. Knowing he’ll be opening his post and seeing divorce papers from you… that’ll show him that he isn’t running this, that you’re getting on without him and moving forwards. And you can show that you’re not the emotional wreck he thinks you are.

Oh no he got cross because he probably told his Mother that he had been kicked out of the family home by the wife . He probably wouldn't have been allowed back in otherwise . He has been manipulative and devious and wants to come out of this smelling of roses .

He has brass balls on him to accuse you of a guilt trip. Anyone behaving like he has should feel massively guilty with no outside input whatsoever. He has let his children down and they won’t forget it. They are very fortunate to have such a rock for their mum.

His is behaviour is a combination of weird cruel and extremely cowardly. He’s basically dumping his long standing wife and his own kids in the same way a socially gauche 15 year old may try and end a two week dalliance. It’s mortifying.

I agree re the divorce. Online is cheap and simple and you control the timeline so you don’t have to apply for the final order until the finances are agreed. I didn’t go this /my ex filed and then applied for the final order before the finances were agreed. This means that we are pending a fortune on layers for the finances. He would have been much more inclined to do a decent deal if we weren’t already divorced. O think the law should be changed so that the final order can’t go through until the financial consent order is made, but in the meantime it can.
So please take control of this process so that you hold the cards.