H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

He sounds incredibly selfish and / or depressed.

If he's been a pretty involved father then how did he expect just walking out on his kids to go?!!
Did he honestly expect them not to have questions or be upset? It's delusional thinking.
I don't think he was being intentionally manipulative by blaming you for the oldest getting upset on the phone, but I think his thought process or lack thereof is stupid and he panicked and felt bad when she got upset so blamed you.
The main thing standing out is his astounding lack of accountability.

I agree if he can blame op for this, I've got a feeling he's always blamed others for his failings, especially his wife.

He's not a man.

You are holding things together so well. In your situation my mental health plummeted and I phoned my exH regularly to let him know how upset our DCs were. My eldest was also keen to know the truth.

In my situation I caught my exH out through questioning small things he'd done differently. Regardless, he still didn't explain why he had lied for so long. We were booking holidays etc like normal.

A therapist pointed out to me that there's no point asking questions to someone who doesn't want to be honest - you'll just hear lies and likely receive unfair blame. Stay strong and talk with everyone who can support you IRL.

Havent RTFT but agree with this. This is EXACTLY what my ex husband did, out of the blue left and lo and behold he had gotten a girl from his work pregnant. He has since then made me out to be unstable and mentally unwell to anyone who will listen. He hasn't seen one daughter since March and the other since Christmas.

My ex said he wouldn't talk to me until I had calmed down either, as if it was unreasonable to be upset that your husband of 9 years up and left out of the blue. I did the denial, convinced myself he was having a breakdown and we could sort everything. Got angry, stupidly went back when the new one dumped him and was broken once more when he left all over again.

Get your friends and family round you. We're still unpacking a lot of the trauma my ex has caused us all. Sending unmumsnetty hugs and strength. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Yep

Massive hug and sending loads of strength to you, OP. You sound so strong, I’m in awe of you. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you and your DC and I can’t imagine being blindsided like that out of the blue, but I know that no way would I be as amazing as you are being. Stay strong and we’re all here rooting for you and will be here for you in whatever way we can be.

Probably will have a chat about the relationship start date, marriage date, kids names and ages, assets, pensions, investments, what you each earn

Do beware of solicitors - they do like to run up costs. The I am LIP link is good. And a coparenting app - keeps all conversations documented and easily accessible.

Could he have lost his job? And be too ashamed / embarrassed to tell you?

Seems odd to land at his parents place if he was having an affair- more likely if he wanted to be 'looked after'. Surely he would head to a friend's house otherwise?

Excuses excuses. A man that has lost his job does not act this way. If he does he's a coward, and regardless of what the situation is, he's a coward.

Stop creating other unlikely scenarios, it's delusional.

If he can't about to you what the issue is that's triggered this drastic and abrupt act then it must be something he's struggling to come to terms with - what would he find difficult to publically admit - he was in a financial mess, he is wrestling with his sexuality, he has gone outside your marriage? Based on a couple if cases I know of personally - you say his routines have not changed and nothing he had done lately has given you any cause for concern - so night the train be something that had been going on in plain sight for a long time - you might have thought if a relationship starting with someone at work but what about someone much closer to home - the two cases In thinking of are a) one of your best friends, someone perhaps that you see often or b) the wife of your brother (if you have one). A brother and sister I knew used to holiday often with their respective partners: the husband of the sister unexpectedly left their marriage and set himself up in a flat - no one else seemed to have been involved - nearly 2 years later the wife is the brother left her marriage - again it was unexpected and no one else appeared to be involved... You've guessed it - she was eventually found to be living with the husband of the sister - they had been holidaying together for years.

Whatever the reason - it will eventually come to the surface - it's absolutely terrible they way he has handled it - the fact that he seems to think he can do this without there being a seismic response suggests he has, at the moment at least, got a very unrealistic sense of reality - the sort that would tie in with being infatuated with someone and going all in - that level of craziness.

If he's secretly been struggling with his sexuality then he could still have come clean with you and handled it far better.

I'm sorry such a shocking thing has happened to you - it leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions and a lot to think about - it's good that you have talked to someone about this and not tried to cover it up. I hope you get some answers soon.

Good luck 🤞 remember to start a claim with CMS too.

My dad always tried to wriggle out of every penny, which was fun knowing he resented paying for me 🙄 I wish you a fair outcome for you and your children.

I'm another one who says do not use the children as a threat or a punishment . It's at this very time that they need to be in a safe and secure place with their mother as opposed to being sent somewhere to make his life uncomfortable.

Has he always shown such little empathy or is this out of character?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

What a shock for you, I’m sure you couldn’t believe what you were reading. It was very cowardly of him doing it this way

@Solost200 you sound like you’re doing an amazing job keeping it all together for the kids!

I really don’t know what to make of your husband. It sounds like he just died a bit inside. Do you think it could have been some kind of breakdown?

You did exactly the right thing - she was desperate to speak to him

If you'd not let her, he would have twisted this as you keeping him and the children apart.

And she may even have come to believe that and held that belief herself.

Giving him fair opportunity to speak with her takes that lie option out of his hands, meaning what he is comes from his own lips, not from yours.

And he's thrashing about in panic that he didn't get to control that. Hence the accusation-chucking. There will be more.

Keep detailed records of every incident, every conversation etc. Keep these interactions formal from now on, in writing. You know he's already rewriting history; the evidence will help you keep yourself from wondering if he might be right. That's where gaslighting comes in; where they try to make you feel you're the unreasonable one, the crazy, the villain of the piece.

He's had time to plot and plan, you haven't.

His parents will side with him.

As so many have said - you need expert legal and financial advice.

The emotional shock, the feelings etc - that's where therapy can help. Your solicitor and financial advisor aren't the people for that. Three professionals you can trust - this will cost, but it should come from your joint family money.

Which you have hopefully done something about protecting by now?

So sorry this has happened to you - it's an old frequently told story and there are plenty here who can give you spoilers / trailers about what he will do next.

His mask has slipped now, and you're seeing the real man beneath it.

He is a coward. You are doing the right thing to talk to a solicitor and get ahead of this.

What a horrible shit dad he is, treating his own child like that.

My wise GP cousin told me that there is not such thing as a “right” decision. You can only make what you think is the best decision at the time, based on what you know then. It might prove right, it might prove wrong, but you did your best.

This was in the context of my elderly mother having a fall and me having to make some major care decisions on her behalf. But the same applies to you. Your eldest was crying and wanted to speak to her dad. You facilitated this. I actually think you were right. She must be very upset and confused. It is sad that her dad can’t ensure that she is supported as much as she can be. But at least she will understand that this is down to him not you.

You are at the start of a tough road. You want to get to the end with your self esteem intact and financially secure. Most importantly in years to come you will want your children to respect how you handled things. That you always put them first and helped minimise the impact on them.

Perhaps this should be the reference point for each decision. Including fighting for your family’s financial stability. If you know you made a decision because you thought it was best for them, his criticism or anger should hurt less.

Your poor little girl. What a cowardly dick. X

My ex did similar, though face to face. Completely bamboozled me, it was so sudden, so final, and so cold.

Years later I discovered he’d married the woman I’d found a half written letter to and demanded answers. It was an unusual name and a bit of digging and it all came together.

He's had an affair and the other woman gave him an ultimatum. Now he's putting the blame on you, gaslighting you and making you feel like there's something wrong with you. It's awful you're doing through this, get some good legal advice and try to find out what's really happening.

He's also clearly not that interested in seeing the dcs as he's stated he'll just see them when you say it's okay which is vague.

I'm sorry to hear this from you.
YOU need to tell the truth to your children what happened. That he has left to go live with grandma's. And be prepared for the " I didn't want to leave you but mum drove me away"

He has parental responsibilities.
Friday after school drop them off with your lovely mother in law for ex H to look after them. Then tell him to bring them back on Sunday night after dinner and be home by 8pm.

He can kiss his romantic shag weekends away, and the MIL will get fed up.

Also, summer holidays approaching so do 50:50 split of time. Fri- Mon afternoon and bring them back to the family home. OW bubble will burst and so will his. But this gives you time to recharge.

You tell him which days to take the kids. Don't let him choose.

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you and the children, and I totally understand your shock and nervousness about what has happened, and what will come next.
I don't say this lightly: Nobody would treat my children or me like that and not pay a heavy price. Nobody.
Take him to the fucking cleaners.