H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

You could be right but even so you don't do this. I'd rather my husband say sorry I'm gay... than I want my freedom, what about her freedom. Wonder what he'd do if she put the kids in the car and dropped them off to him and said sorry I want my freedom....

What a heartless selfish prick!

His poor behaviour is driven by guilt. He needs you to be in the wrong somehow to make him feel better about his actions. Because he knows deep down what he’s done is despicable.

You were good enough sweetie.

It was him who wasn't good enough for you and your mom.
x

I would say this to op, her husband is a complete bastard and a very unsuitable parent.

The thing is sometimes we think both parents should be in a childs life but op's h has shown himself to be someone who I personally think shouldn't be anywhere near children or have any influence in their lives.

The man is a defect and that could have a negative effect having someone that vile helping to raise children, god knows what they could learn from him.

And the way he is hiding behing his mother's apron suggests she not a very good role model either, no doubt after he's hidden behind his mother, he'll go straight to hiding under the ow's dress.

What a pathetic specimen he is, unfortunately your poor children are going to have to come to terms with that fact, their innocent childhoods will be cut short because of this selfish amoeba. And he's the type to regail them with stories of his own perfect childhood.

He needs burying.

Totally agree - even if this is the case, it’s completely fucked up and he needs to own it. But it might explain why he is angry, aggressive and acting so completely out of character. I just hope that OP will take on board that whatever his deal is, it is not a reflection upon her. She is a great mum, her children’s rock. He’s been living some sort of a lie and she has trusted him.

I hope she will find the courage to get her own family on board, as I suspect she will need them.

I’d recommend talking to the school tomorrow, too, OP. Your eldest will not be herself and will need significant support.

so much great advice on here . You sound such a lovely , fair lady and a lovely , great mother . Continue to do a great job with your children . They are noticing all your strength and stability you are giving them . Well done . Be proud of yourself . Please ring CMS tomorrow and open a claim up . He doesn’t need to know just yet if you don’t want him to but when you need cms payment from him they will make him back pay from the date on the opening claim (tomorrow) . Keep your head up sweetheart your doing a great job

He really is a nasty piece of work! Imagine thinking it's ok to be so blunt and tell your child that over the phone, and be so blasé about it.

Just reassure her it's all him and nothing to do with any of you. The way he said it and how kids rationalise, she may end up thinking she did something wrong.

Oooh I rarely use the word but he's a grade A cunt!! Who does he think he is, walking away from his family without batting an eyelid! I'm so bloody angry for you.🤬🤬

I've just read all your posts OP, I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. Horrible behaviour from him, how dare he try and blame you when he is too much of a coward to face his own children.
I've heard of other men who just literally abandon their wife and children, sorry but a lot of the time it's for someone else.
Why do men think this is acceptable, if women did this they'd be called the worse mother in the world etc. I would not be making it easy for him but that's me.
I'm glad your friend is being supportive, hope you get support from others as well.

Definitely this. You sound amazing you have done all the right things so far...i have no explanations - people here have made great suggestions..Good luck x

I agree. He’s the one who’s caused the distress and thinks he can just walk away from his wife and two children just because he wants his freedom. His actions have consequences.

Please stop - you're the one inflaming it. Nobody said he'll never see his kids again, just commented with sympathy for the OP that she's been left holding the babies

Please don't blame the OP for letting her daughter phone her own father & try to make her feel guilty about that.

If he thinks/is telling himself that he is right to leave because his new reality will make him happier, then of course he will be shocked and appalled that his wife and children are 'selfishly' distraught rather than being happy for him.

He will not know what to do with those emotions of theirs, which they perversely insist on being stuck at and bringing up repeatedly, because them having them at all doesn't fit his narrative (in which he is the main character and no-one else is actually a person) - he might even be surprised and a little put out on some fundamental level that you all continue to exist at all now his new storyline has started.

Bastard.

OP I am outraged on your behalf! I think it must be either an affair, an extreme midlife crisis or a mental breakdown. I think you should send him a text making it clear that he is behaving like a coward and that ghosting your children is not acceptable behaviour. Then put the ball in his court and start trying to rebuild/get on with your life. You sound like a great mother and the kids are lucky to have you.

Your poor daughter OP. Your DH just broke her heart. I remember when my dad did the same thing to me. Your world caves in.

She’s going to need a lot of love and help to stabilise after something like that. It’s such a massive life changing rug pull. I’m not sure I ever recovered. But therapy and things like that exist now. Just make sure she knows it’s not her fault and that dad is having a midlife crisis (or something like that).

It’s really NOT how you tell your children you’re separating. Your DH is a horrible heartless bastard.

I am so so sorry you are all going through this. I’m looking forward to the day or reckoning for you and him though. Take him for every penny.

I don't know why but I don't think so regarding him being gay, I do think he can't face his family because of guilt and a victim induced self entitlement but this man is a wimp and a weasle, probably being influenced by some opiniated ow and even his mother.

The thing is when you get such a pathetic specimen they hide behind others, he could be mirroring what a new woman wants, being told how he needs to put himself first and not to be emotionally blackmailed and it appears he's following orders to a tee, to the point whereby he has no common sense or empathy regarding communication with his offspring.

The problem is with these types is when they eventually do as they are told and end up with the life someone has told them they want, it is then they are hit with the enormity of the situation, the sense of loss, and the ow becomes the person who has to fix the moods that come. This is when reality hits and why many of them wish to return, not saying this is how this will turn out but his dogged determination at present to me suggests this man is a full on coward who cannot think for himself, he's following orders, I bet.

I've not met any gay man who has ever been that pathetic towards his own children, but maybe I'm wrong.

How dare he blame you?

Thank you for all your support, you have all really helped me with this awful situation. I don't think I'll contact H or ILs for a while and just see what happens. I'll focus on the eldest for now, and I will tell the school whats going on tomorrow so she has support there as well.

Hopefully the solicitor will help me with what happens legally tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous about going. Not sure if its the reality of it all or if its just cause I've never been in this situation before and I don't know what to expect.

Remember you’re charged by the hour, so use your time wisely to discuss the ”business” side, rather than discussing the emotions and betrayal. x

Was he a man-child in other ways as well as this giant tell tale sign?

Good luck.
You are doing brilliantly. Unlike your cowardly husband, you are facing this head on and doing what needs to be done.
You're showing your children, especially your daughter, what strength & resilience looks like.
Xx

Good luck op. It all sounds very strange from him. He's been very unfair. But you sound very sensible and the kids are very lucky to have you. I did wander if he was having some strange mid life crisis?

My question at this point is: did your in laws know he was leaving you and his children? I know if one of my sons showed up out of the blue I would be asking questions. One of my first calls would be to see if my grandchildren were okay. They must have known he was coming.

He certainly didn't handle this like an adult, face to face. He's acting like a teenager leaving all the hard parts to everyone else.

Well done OP. well done so far. You are doing brilliantly.

I can't believe he blamed you for him upsetting his daughter. Listen to that. You cannot trust him at all - even to be a decent dad.

Marriages end. That's life. But not like this. The way he has gone about this is absolutely awful. Stay strong OP. Get as much real life help as you can. Tell people the real story.

You're a fantastic Mum OP and you're all your kids need. They'll look back at your strength from this situation when they're older and know how great you did

Lean on Mumsnet for now and in time your real life world will grow bigger/happier away from that coward