H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

I'm usually all for maintaining a dignified silence, but bloody hell, I'd be so tempted to reply:

"I'm not playing any games Martin, I wouldn't take you back if you were the last man on earth. You literally walked out on your family without a word. Your children had no idea that you've abandoned them. Your eldest child has been desperate to talk to you, that isn't emotional blackmail. The way you broke her heart on that phone call was despicable."

Then I wouldn't ever contact him again. You be the children's rock, he has abandoned all of you. I would be making no effort to facilitate contact between them after the way he is communicating. I'd back right off. If he wants contact, then he comes to you in a mature way to sit and discuss it.

Exactly this.

I'd send something like this and then speak to the solicitor about a divorce. What I wouldn't do—ever—is play into his idea that he's a victim and apologise.

He told her over the phone because he is a coward who couldn't face his children, look them in the eye and talk to them.

He will pay the price for this with them, particularly with your daughter, and he will regret it eventually.
I hope you are getting some support for yourself, it's a lot to take on when you are feeling upset yourself.
But you sound like a strong woman. You will get through this xx

He may not be having an affair, but he has that same attitude. Thinking he is the one suffering and therefore he deserves to do what he's doing. Rewriting reality. Blaming other people. Getting upset that other people don't see it that way. Refusing to believe he is just a typical selfish bastard. Avoiding his children so he doesn't have to face the reality of what "putting himself first for once" did to them. He's not special.

This!!

Don't you dare let him blame you for upsetting her!
When I read how he acted I thought he really doesn't even seem to perceive that children have their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. They are not robots who can be managed to just react the way adults want them to react.

He's not treating her like a person, or remembering that she might actually love him, he hasn't given any thought to how his children might be feeling
Accusing you of using her to emotionally blackmail him is just another method to stop you letting them speak to him. He's really saying he doesn't want to be bothered with them at all. They don't get a look in. Vile man.

Yet curiously he wants to make a big display of taking them on holiday. I don't think that would be a very happy time for them and god knows what he might say to them either.

He seems impervious to the suffering he's causing, making himself the big victim with not an ounce of guilt, as if he's really hard done by.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Put yourself and your children first in all things x

The last update is beyond awful.
Affair aside, I think this man has lost his mind
somewhat.
All the swearwords have been used so far.
😳

What a fucking spineless weasel he is!

So sorry OP

What a fucking dimwit thinking he can up and leave and your children just accept it and don’t ask questions?? He is a massive coward and I hope your daughter is ok.

My dad has never really cared about me since meeting his wife. To be honest even before, my mum was the default parent. Luckily my stepdad would do anything for me and worships the ground I walk on - it helped build me up again but I still feel massively let down by my dad at times. It weighs on you, wondering why you weren’t good enough.

Sorry OP, I haven't read the full thread, but has anyone asked if he might be gay? I used to work with a guy who was married for 15 years, had a son of 11 and he suddenly up and left. He now lives with his boyfriend! If you haven't thought of this, it might have been easier for him to be having a relationship with another man at work, as a couple of blokes going off for a pint at lunch time, wouldn't raise any suspicion at all, would it? This might also explain why he's finding it so difficult to explain himself to anyone, especially you and his parents.

Echoing everyone else to say that you and his parents need to challenge him every time he makes this someone else’s fault.
Time for the broken record technique- ‘you have chosen to leave your children in such a hurtful and cowardly way. It isn’t no one’s fault but yours.’ Over and over again.

OP I understand you feel the way you do but given how avoidant he's being I'm not sure why you thought it was a good idea to force him to speak to your DD. I can't imagine how hard this is and he's being a complete bellened so I say this with kindness. I wouldn't trust him to do the right thing by them.

I think the others on here are right, stop chasing, drop the rope, grey rock etc.

He isn't interested in the feelings of others at the moment, including his children, everything is everyone else's fault, including his parents, who are very kindly putting him up !
You are not going to get any sense from him at this point, so stop trying. A simple ' I am here when you want to talk about this like adults' and then absolutely nothing else.

Love this - definitely text him and MIL this

‘you have chosen to leave our children in such a hurtful and cowardly way. It isn’t anyone’s fault but yours. You are damaging our children by not respecting them enough to talk to them before all this happened’

Awww, shame, poor man.
He wants to put himself first for once.
Being a father means putting his children first. Nasty manipulating OP refuses to co-operate with his bullshit. .

Please send this. He is utterly awful for abandoning you with three kids. He can't do it anymore/doesn't want to be tied down; but it's obviously fine to make things twice as hard for you! Look after yourself.

Does he always blame everyone else like this? He blamed his parents for him getting married in the first place and now he's blamed you for his DD wanting to talk to him and him blurting that out over the phone.

He doesn't take responsibility for anything and is acting like the victim all the time.

He doesn't seem to care about the kids either tbh. Would you as their mother ignore their call after not seeing them for days? Or say I only want them for one holiday a year, you decide the rest?

Is this usual behaviour for him, was he like this in your marriage?

Was he happy to do his share with the kids or was it more you wanting him to so he did?

Personally I'd reply and say this is no-ones fault but yours, you left without explaining to your kids, you left the hard bit to me. You assumed I had told them already and got a shock that your daughter misses you more than you miss her. That's on you, just you. I'd tell him he's a coward and a selfish one at that, I'd also tell him that the divorce will be imminent and that if he wants to see the kids he knows their phone number don't call me again ever.

This leaves his role as a father to him and doesn't put any responsibility onto you... then I'd keep the text for absolutely ever and if he never calls the kids I'd show them when they are older.

By the way if this was my kid that had done this to his family and wouldn't tell them why, I'd open the front door and show him out.

He said that it was your fault that your daughter was upset? Jesus H Christ! It’s his actions that that are causing the hurt and upset! In what universe does he think it’s possible to simply walk out on your wife and kids without any explanation? He is a complete and utter arsehole OP and he doesn’t deserve any of you. I am so sorry that you and your children are having to go through this. Sending virtual hugs and solidarity and the fervent hope that he’ll have cause to bitterly regret his cowardly and selfish actions in the not very distant future!

How horrible of him. You don’t deserve that.

He’s acting like such a coward.

You will be ok - you’re in shock right now. It’d help to speak to a trusted friend.

What a cunt! How dare he swan off to his mums leaving you to deal with the fallout and then blame you for him upsetting his daughter! I’d be speaking to a solicitor first thing in the morning

Whatever he feels about you, he owes it to his children to give them a proper explanation and time to adjust. What kind of shit father walks out without an explanation and then acts like he doesn’t care if he has the kids or not or how much he sees them.

You deserve better. Your DC deserve better. If he’s not willing to talk or if he is planning on putting the blame on you, I would respond by cutting him off completely too. Let him go it alone and see how he copes.

I don't usually go straight to affairs as a default but I definitely think there's more going on here. He's blaming you, his parents and everyone else but taking no responsibility or explaining why he has suddenly just vanished. I wouldn't be surprised if there is something else.

His parents say they don't know what else to do? What they do is they tell him that he's not staying there using them to run away from his responsibilities. He's a grown man and needs to sort his own mess out. Blaming his parents for what a hard life he has because they made marriage look easy would be enough for me as his mother to tell him to leave my house and go back to his family or find his own place and not use of me as a cheap hotel.

Something more is definitely happening here. Married family men don't just walk out on their responsibilities for no reason whatsoever.

It looks like he's in denial to the point of delusion about how this will affect the children. Truly understanding how horrible his behaviour is will make him feel deep shame and guilt, and so to avoid that he must create his own reality where he acted honourably. He is lashing out at you for not playing by the rules he's invented; sadly there will be much more of this.

I think he will need some time before he is in a fit space to be around them so don't be rushed into giving them to him. Hopefully your in-laws can help cover for his erratic behaviour when they do visit but a fixed custody schedule is a long way off.

It's not your job to do his dirty work of communicating it all to the kids and managing it all. His actions, his consequences.

I am wondering whether there is something in the PP above that questioned whether he might be gay - the comment he made about it being his parents’ fault that he got married, that they made it look easy and marry that with the fact that until now he seemed to be happy parenting his kids until Father’s Day. I wouldn’t discount him having met someone, but maybe he has met someone and has internalised homophobia (if, say his parents had very hetero normative expectations for him).

I knew someone who left his wife after 25 years - they even had a huge church blessing/wedding for their 25th anniversary, he saw his daughters get married, settle, have their first babies and then just pulled the plug. I think he waited until his last parent passed away as he was in his late fifties.

Not sure it helps as a theory, but I wouldn’t dismiss it either.