H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

I don’t think you crossed the line. Basically he should have played along with the original narrative, until you both sit down and tell the children. He should not have left you to deal with all the difficult questions from the children. It was unkind of him to do that to your daughter. You did not do this, choose this or force him to do this. He thinks he can just walk away from being a parent and leave you to be the only grown up. Yuk what a rubbish human he showed himself to be can you imagine ever taking so little care over your child’s emotions, that you would do this in this manner? Instead of criticism he should be thanking you for being the strong one, being there with the children, whilst he opts out.

You did nothing wrong, it is all on him. He is behavior is unusually cruel and cowardly. Wishing you all the best.

He is an absolute piece of shit given the latest developments. It's disgusting that he has blamed you for your daughter's sadness. He's also gaslighting you. Awful. I'm so sorry.

This exact thing happened to a friend of mine. He needed freedom and felt stifled by family life. “There was nobody else”. Yet when she checked a little used account, it had thousands of pounds worth of hotel rooms and gifts. The ILs were initially on her side but eventually they will always, always side with their son. I’m so sorry OP. He’s spineless but I strongly suspect there’s an affair here.

@Solost200 You didn’t cross any line. Honestly, you need to try and reframe your mindset and stop walking on eggshells around him. This man, your husband, who you have 3 kids together with has literally just shattered 4 people’s lives. He has responsibility’s and is a parent, he cannot just up and leave and say he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry to say but it’s just so obvious he’s left because of someone else. His behaviour is avoidant and he’s avoiding you and your kids because he has someone else and doesn’t want to face the music yet. He perhaps also wants time away from you to see how it pans out with this other woman. Think about it logically, if you were feeling unhappy about things you would try and talk to him about it. You wouldn’t up and go with only leaving a note! His actions show a Guilty conscience 100%, and the way he is acting now shows he is in defensive mode, and shifting focus - another sign of guilt. He has the nerve to say how dare you put your child on the phone to him….what an absolute cheek!!!! Never mind the fact he’s just walked out on his entire family.

He's now an adult and doing well, he spent quite a few years angry, he can't remember his dad at all now though

He should hang his head in utter shame. Rarely am I shocked by the selfish lengths men go to, but this has done it.

Fuck him. What an utter, utter cunt.

It didn't sound like he was trying to deliberately hurt her.

When he first said it, he sounded very casual, like he was just saying he was going to the shop. Then, when she got upset, he sounded like he was trying to reassure her that he loved her but that this was how it was going to be. I'm not sure he expected her to be that upset.

But why he thought telling her over the phone was a good idea is beyond me.

Honestly, if he was my son, I would not let him stay at my house until he has explained himself to his CHILDREN!. WHAT A DEMONIC COWORD!!!!!!

Oh god, I’m so, so sorry. How terrible for you and your son.

Don’t dare let this coward make it seem like it is your fault your child is upset. He is a coward and you (and your children) and entitled to answers.

I am so sorry. What am absolute and utter shit he is. You didn't cross any line. Your kids have every right to speak to their father and it's not your fault he was so horrible. He's a crap father, that much is clear. If he won't even talk to his children, that's a clear sign that he has decided to abandon his responsibilities. Get a lawyer.
He might change his mind later, but would you even want him back now after this?

Your "husband " is a disgusting piece of SHIT!. Why can't he face his own children. Yes he can divorce but how could he leave without telling his children anything. This is so incredibly sad!

Agreed, @Crankyaboutfood. HE did this, he needs to take responsibility for his actions, not just pass the buck back to you and blame you for his selfishness.

I am so sorry for you to be having to bear this at the moment. Whatever has happened in your husbands life it would appear to be both sudden and catastrophic to both of you. There are some reasons we could all think of; another woman (either pregnant or threatening to tell you), job loss, drugs, gambling, debts, depression - any of which could be a reason for him to act so out of character. Sadly it is your little ones that will suffer because of his absence and because you have no rational explanation for it. Keep your little ones close, go see the solicitor who will be able to help you with the practical things, try - again - to get his parents to advocate on behalf of the children - who still need and love him as much as they did yesterday - and try and keep the lines of communication open with him and the kids. He may see it as emotional blackmail - tell him it is for the emotional well-being of his children. He may be able to walk away from you but the simple fact is, he is and always will be their father. He needs to start putting their well-being first. Good luck, I think you are going to need it.

He walked out on all of you, with no explanation, didn’t tell the children he was going. It wasn’t your job to tell them he wasn’t coming back.

Ok it maybe read a little harsher than the reality, and yes it was his job to tell them, but what a stupid way to do it, I guess he answered the question, instead of fudging it. He’s acting like he hates you though, something is clearly very wrong with him.

This with bells on.

How dare you make him accountable for his own actions. In time l reckon you are going to realise he's been a selfish twat all along.

You didnt do anything wrong. I wouldn't push him with contact again though.

Think how free he will feel when he's paying 40% in cms. What an absolute bellend.

You absolutely cannot blame yourself for calling the landline. It's what anyone would do. You called just so that he could speak and say goodnight. He could have said that he would see her soon. He could have met and discussed things in person gently. Instead he has acted like a complete and total bell end. What sort of man does something like that over the phone and then blames you! Actually, probably someone with very low self esteem and a guilt complex who is putting up flimsy defences and deflecting massively. It's a very emotionally immature way to respond. And cowardly. He's covering up for something. Either an affair or he's lost his job or in trouble for something and is running away from it, or he's been bottling things up and is having a full blown breakdown.

At this stage, I would be quite firm that he can see the kids regularly (say twice a week) or not at all, otherwise it is too damaging for them!

I expect that he's wanting a bit of a battle with you so that he can blame you further. He's looking for someone to blame. So I would be highly tempted not to contact him or his inlaws at all. And don't pass any info to the inlaws for them to pass back.

I would tell your brother and parents. I know that you think that your parents are likely to blame you for not trying enough, but i would be surprised if anyone could blame you for his actions. Sure, they will probably say some stupid things at some point (what parents don't), but i'm sure that they love you and will support you through this.

Oh and he's spineless to boot!

Tbh he’s not thinking about anyone but himself, he’s reached a remarkable level of cognitive dissonance in an attempt to keep his sense of self as a ‘good man’.

You can’t break that level of lying to one’s self.

Grey rock from now on. Go no contact other than finances and children and don’t apologise for today. Don’t allow that slime ball to make you feel as though you’re the villain here.

There’s a site and book called runaway husbands. I was reading a little there today and thought of you. I know the site mentions affairs and you have no proof… yet… but the sheer speed, rewriting narrative and behaviour is all there discussed. It might help?

Op, your child was in distress and you did what you thought was best. He chose to be a reprehensible cunt. Neither of which are your fault

His behaviour is one of the worst things I've read on here. I'm so so sorry.... I hope he is actually having some sort of breakdown, it's the only remote thing that would explain some of it

Question I’d have for him - through his mum if nec - ‘why did you think your daughter wouldnt be upset by your leaving?’

Agreed. Same situation happened to me. So many people said the same and here and I absolutely could not believe it. I also hope I am wrong, but the language and behavior is so predictable. The in-laws will eventually be less nice too, and he will stop contributing. OP, drop the rope and figure out finances etc. you don’t believe it now but it will be better than ok once time passes and allows you to heal.

After your update, I really hope no one will leap to defend your husband. His behaviour has been appalling, and the way he spoke to your child was truly cruel. Please don't blame yourself. You did absolutely nothing wrong in phoning the landline. Your child wanted to speak to her dad. You aren't responsible for the way he spoke to her. Only he is responsible for that. Whatever is going on in his life, he should at the very least want to protect his children and help them through the emotional turmoil of their parents' separation/possible divorce. Instead he seems to be thinking only of himself, with no concern for his children's wellbeing at all. What a selfish bastard.