H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Why are people doing this? He’s made if clear he wants to see the kids, even made the summer holiday non negotiable, he’s just let her lead on when and how much.

I don't think just walking out and refusing to engage with the people you have left behind gives them much hope for the 'non negotiable' element of seeing them at some point over the impending school Summer holiday ? I think that most people would be a bit at this apparent declaration of reliability ?

Thank you all for your replies, especially the people who have been kind enough to share their own personal experiences. I am so sorry that this has happened to so many others. It's a really horrible feeling.

The eldest was desperate to speak with him before bed, so I texted him and told him that she was calling and could he please just say hi to her. But when we tried calling he wouldn't answer.

So (and here is where I may have crossed a line but DC was so upset and I was starting to get really angry with him) we called the ILS landline. The eldest did all the talking, but I could hear everything. She spoke to MIL and asked to speak to H.

MIL gave him the phone and DC was asking him about his day and chatting about school. Then he cut her off halfway through a story and said he had to go now. She asked when he was coming home and he said that he was living with the ILs now and he wasn't coming home. She said that she wants him to come home and started to cry. He said he was sorry that he loved all them all very much but he doesn't want to live here anymore. Eldest then hung up the phone and ran off to her room. Managed to calm her down and shes sleeping next to me in our bed.

He sent me a very long text saying that it was my fault eldest is upset, that I was using her to emotionally blackmail him and he wasn't going to play that game with me.

I feel awful that shes so upset, and he is kind of right in that I knew calling the house would force him to speak to her and I wanted to hear what he would say. But I never should have let that happen to her.

To answer a couple of questions H has never been into gambling so I don't think it's that. If he has lost his job I don't understand why he wouldn't just talk to me about it. We have both had career setbacks, especially during COVID, but we have always worked through them together as a team.

Apparently, there's no shortage of pick-mes who defend men no matter how badly they behave.
You are revealing an agenda, and it's not about helping the OP. It's about licking men's boots and bashing women who won't do the same.

@XChrome I think it is people desperate to think it could never happen to them and put themselves higher. It was not always like this on MN.

Oh OP I'm sorry your DD was upset by him.

I disagree OP, I don’t think you did cross a line .. I think you did exactly what was needed. He can’t just stay there and expect you to sort the flak with the kids, or lie to them for him .. they need to know what’s going on.

The odds that there's not another woman involved are so low that they'd have to look up to see hell.

Gosh your last update has floored me . He's shown an insane amount of cruelty to your child and you must feel heartbroken . My advice would be don't try to change his mind , ignore him even , all your energies on making sure you get all paperwork in order and protect your children .
This alone would be unforgivable

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband sounds like a coward refusing to speak to the children. You did nothing wrong with calling the ILs landline. Hopefully you’ll get some answers. 😞

I don't think that you did anything wrong, OP. Your eldest wanted to speak to your H. If you'd said "No," then I dare say that your H would later have claimed that you were preventing the children from getting in touch with them.

It's better that she heard it from him. Hard though it is, now she knows what you're all dealing with.

His treatment of his family is horrific

Fucking hell. He really thinks he's the victim here. In his head he's just a poor long-suffering man who is finally doing something for himself. And you are being mean by trying to make him feel bad about it.

Piece of shit.

It wouldn't help, but I would probably text "Drop dead, cunt." then block him and take him to the cleaners.

Just stop engaging with him about anything other than the children.

You did not cross a line. You tried to deal with your child’s distress in the best way you could while dealing with your own pain.

This is on him.

How dare he try and make you feel like the bad guy.

And he was cruel to his child. It is unforgiveable. Your poor girl. I’m so SO angry for her!

Don't feel awful.
How dare he tell his child on the phone that he isn't coming home because he doesn't want to live there anymore!
And then blame you for it!
What an absolute shit he truly is.

I really hope no one comes on to defend him now!

OP, don't take on guilt here. Of course your child wanted to talk to him & he had any decent about him he would have come home to have a conversation with you and with his kids.

I am so angry on your behalf. He has upset your child and badly damaged his relationship with them and left you to pick up the pieces.
You deserve so much better than this.

I am so sorry op. This is awful, you and your children deserve better. 💐💐💐

Well he’s a complete and total shit isn’t he! Sorry OP, and for your kids too.

He is definitely struggling with something that's hes not admiting to & it's all coming out now. Hopefully you will find out the reason asap. It's a horrible way to be treated OP, stay strong 💐

God op, that’s awful.

has there never been any sign he was this sort of utter arse hole before? What an awful way to treat you all.

@Solost200

I don’t know why you’re determined to blame yourself; your husband isn’t behaving fairly or correctly by his children, never mind you. Sure, if he wants to end his marriage, he can end it. But not like this. It’s not emotional blackmail, his child wanted to speak to him. If he chooses to ignore their calls, then blurt out that he’s not coming home, that’s on him. He can’t ghost his family, and hiding behind his parents, their grandparents, and expecting you to cover for him, is appalling. My son would be getting a metaphorical boot up the arse. I know you’re thinking ‘what have I done wrong’ at every turn but this is inexcusable.

im not saying what he's said isn't awful ,it was but I am not coming to his defence I am just pointing out that not everything is black and white , people react in different ways and yes obviously chances are he could just be an arse, if you'd read one of my previous posts , you would see that one day without warning my husband just up and blew his brains out, one day he'd had enough and he obviously just couldn't cope anymore, but instead of going to his mums and taking a breather he took the easy way out and I was left wondering why and trying to explain to a three yr old , that his daddy was dead

My god, he is a monumental arsehole. Imagine being this cruel and callous to your child. I hope you get a shit hot lawyer and the best possible settlement. There is no way I would hold back with this man.

The immature selfishness is next level.

I would remind him that he's still a parent and he can't just walk away from his kids and all responsibilities just because he no longer feels like it. He's a dickhead for leaving you to deal with the fallout. Your poor daughter/kids and you.

Please don’t push him to speak to you or the children any more, for their sakes. He’s out of your lives now, and that’s for the best.
You be the children’s’ rock now.

Get all of the information you need for a divorce and do all communication via solicitor.

I agree. It soothes them to believe they are immune because they are somehow "different" and would not have made the same "mistakes." So they find a way to lay the blame on the person who has been wronged. It's a common cognitive error.
They haven't explicitly said they blame the wife, since they'd be ripped apart if they did, but the subtext is there.

Wow. I am so sorry you went through that. How are you and the child doing now?